IVF heartaches, fears and frustrations

Discussion group for all topics related to infertility including preparation for pregnancy, causes, investigation and treatment of infertility.
sassynlv
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IVF heartaches, fears and frustrations

Post by sassynlv » Sun Jan 14, 2007 10:36 pm

I try to be positive on cycling threads, where it seems most important. But especially today, feel like I need a place to be sad and frustrated about the difficult parts of IVF. I am hoping that someone else will find it helpful to have a heartache/vent/rant thread. A place free from judgment, where we can be where we are at the time.

I spent the wkend w/my 9 mo old twin nieces. Love them like you wouldn’t believe, but kept wishing even just one of them was mine. I am tired of waiting for “my time”. Haven’t I been through enough over the last five years, and w/ivf complications (I nearly freakin’ died for goodness sake!!!) that I have “earned” a child?? I know it doesn’t work that way, but I wish it did, and i am sad that it doesn't

I went to church today, sitting in the general mtg has become very difficult for me as there are young children everywhere. I am not mad or upset about it right now, like i have been at times in the past, just sad. I don’t like that I feel this way, as church has always given me great comfort, but the last few weeks, I leak tears the whole time. Sunday school today was on Elizabeth in the bible and how she was barren and then had a child. Maybe I should have been encouraged by that, but strangely this time, it seemed to make things worse. So I guess my point is, that I am sad. Sad that we go through IVF time after time with nothing to show for it, and sad that my dream may never actually be mine. Sounds very self-absorbed, doesn’t it??? :? Anyway, sitting there I kept reminding myself about you guys, and that there really are people who could relate to what I have been feeling. So here I am, heartbroken… again, hoping I am not alone.

I am a bit (ok, maybe a lot) scared that this cycle won’t work. Because if this doesn’t work, I don’t know that it is worth continuing to cycle. Sorry to be such a downer, just scared, and heartbroken.
6 fresh IVFs plus one cancelation
Last Chance FET--- Pregnant with triplets!
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Angie65
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Post by Angie65 » Sun Jan 14, 2007 11:56 pm

Dearest Sassy, Just wanted to say hi and let you know we are all in this together. I am feeling a bit lacking in inspiration as it is Monday morning but I DO know how you feel. I really DO. The PMA and NMA ebbs and flows and it is fine to have NMA for a while. PMA will come back. I think your FET is approaching? and it is fine to be nervous. I was too and hit the wall as I was pumping the estrogen. The ladies here were wonderful.

Did you ski at the w/e? Were you singing the kookaburra song ?- I haven't had chance to read all the posts on Dec/Jan but it was amazing to think that all round the world, crazy ladies were humming this little song -(all down to me and the lovely Aunty!) This board sure is powerful.

You will feel better soon - try and keep busy doing things you enjoy over the next few days/weeks.

Also don't forget the IWDGPT - a contingency plan which helps/a treat which you/we will more than deserve.

Hope this makes sense - a bit of a waffle - as I said feeling a bit sluggish this am - can't even use down regging yet as an excuse!

Take care.
A
Me 39 PCO - TTC since Aug 05
2 IVF/ICSI, 2 FET. All BFN
BFP Oct 07

[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10723;116/st/20080705/n/Amelie/dt/16/k/a1b4/age.png[/img]

vicky77
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Post by vicky77 » Mon Jan 15, 2007 12:25 am

Hey Sassy and everybody, I will join you in this thread. I think most of us who have been through at least one failed IVF know what you are talking about, even those who are going through their first one know it too since most of us here are ttc for many years.
This weekend I have been a lot with a friend that is 5 months pregnant, she also had a difficult time getting pregnant (meaning it took her several years, but no treatment though), but I cannot help feeling a little bit (well a lot actually :oops: ) jealous about her......the worst part is that in my last IVF in November I became pregnant and m/c at 7wks, so while I was still pregnant we were planning together the arrival of our babies, and now seeing her reminds me all the time of the baby I lost.....and if some rant is allowed, her husband, who I don't like much (I thought it was fair for me to make that clear :lol: ), when we went yesterday to have dinner all together, they were sitting in front of DH and me, and he would rub her belly all night long........IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY????, I mean, he knows I just lost a baby, not to mention the IVF thing............I don't know, maybe I am too sensitive about it......... :oops: .........well enough, too much rant already, haha...
Well, as you can see, you are not the only one, we all feel sad every now and then about all this issue. We all have the fear of the fears, which is thinking out dream of our own child might not come true....but we have to keep hoping, there are so many stories in this forum of ladies pregnant after their 10th IVF that it makes you think you must really fight for it, never give up!!
Well, hope you are feeling better anyway.............

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYBODY !!!!!!
Vicky
4th IVF 09/07....:D BFP !!!! :D....Benjamin born 06/18/08
[img]http://b1.lilypie.com/s07Tm5/.png[/img]

Angie65
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Post by Angie65 » Mon Jan 15, 2007 12:37 am

Hi Vicky - the rubbing the belly thing - that would have sent me over the edge . :x Well done you for coping. I have a protective wall around me and I don't often go near preggie ladies or people with kids - it is fairly easy for me as we have quite alot single friends/couples w/o kids still - but it concerens me a bit too - surely we should be spending time with babies and small children - so that I absorb some of the preggy/maternal vibes ....
Me 39 PCO - TTC since Aug 05
2 IVF/ICSI, 2 FET. All BFN
BFP Oct 07

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sassynlv
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Post by sassynlv » Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:56 am

Oh ladies, thank you so much

Angie: I think you are right, the PMA/NMA ebbs and flows. i imagine things feel much worse right now due to all the E2 i am on. I also know that i will probably be feeling better soon. I did ski this wkend! And it was great.. yes, i was hummin' the kookaburro song as i was swishing down the slopes :lol: . It is amazing that we live all over the world, and all learned the same song! Makes the world seem small. Most of our friends have children... in fact there are very few couples we hang out with that don't. I don't know that you are missing anything :wink: .

vicky: first of all, rant all you want here :D . That is what this thread is for! Second of all, i am very impressed by how you handled yourself w/your friend and her dh. I can only imagine that the constant reminder about the baby you lost must have been very difficult. And to top it off, the belly rubbing :shock: , WTF? What was your friend doing at the time?(i expect men to be oblivious, but your friend???). He sounds a bit...um... unusual.

I was putting away my ski stuff this afternoon in the same closet where i have some baby clothes hanging. I bought them over the years... mostly girls' outfits that i fell in love with. This was mostly years ago, before i even started ttc, but knew that's what we wanted. I thumbed through the hangers today... thinking maybe i should give some of them to my sil for nieces. Why should i just keep them hanging there for years more?

i am scheduled for my FET on the 25th, and they will start thawing our ferts a wk from today. I am just hoping for at least 2 good blasts for ET. So i think it is so strange that now, when i should be MORE hopeful than ever before, i feel the saddest. Maybe it is just the last 3 fresh cycles in a row catching up w/me. Thanks for your responses. It helps knowing i am not alone. I am working on keeping my chin up, and just letting myself feel sad or frustrated as needed right now instead of bottling it up like i have been doing previously. thanks for listening to my estrogen-induced grief-rant!
6 fresh IVFs plus one cancelation
Last Chance FET--- Pregnant with triplets!
[img]http://b1.lilypie.com/XhKKm8/.png[/img]

meg12
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Post by meg12 » Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:22 am

I love rants. They are so fun to read. I wonder if that makes me a bad person? Really, if you met me you'd see that I'm very positive and happy most of the times. But, man, a little complaining now and then sure does the soul good :lol: Thanks for the thread, sassy, I'm sure I'll need it in the future!
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shantala
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Post by shantala » Mon Jan 15, 2007 9:47 am

sassy and everyone else - i think its a brilliant thread as we all get days like this. i know its my first ivf but i do get days where i feel really pants and just think its not fair. so i think this is a good place to vent and rant!!

xx
2nd IVF/ICSI - baby girl Elliana born 21.4.08 weighing 7lb 6.5ounces; 7 frosties left...
[img]http://dl3.glitter-graphics.net/pub/471/471593nd9346hthf.gif[/img] to all!
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amanda-jane
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Post by amanda-jane » Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:30 am

hi everyone
vicky you know what i couldn't have sat thru that! what a disgusting insensitive pig!! people have no idea what it feels to go through a micarriage, i think i'd be limitin the time i spent with them, well him especially!
sassy- i recieved a book this mornin and the first page filled me with hope, i havn't read it yet but i think it concentrates on ivf etc- email me and send me your address i want to send you a copy. you need a pick me up.. :) i hope you had great weekend skiing, even tho you were sad with your nieces. it's shit isn't it when you have nieces who you love so much but you have to leave em, my niece is having magoer tants (she's two!) but it doesn't hep because i think her parents make her worse. my dh is fab with her.
has anyone on this thread tried reflexology or accupuncture,if for nothing else it may give you a pick me up, i've not tried it but want to for my cycle in march. take care guys xx mandy
a.j.hewlett

shantala
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Post by shantala » Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:44 am

hi amanda-jane

great to see you on this thread!! i have had reflexology but not with ivf. i absolutely loved it. not sure if i'm allowed to do it with ivf but i'm going to ask my clinic tomorrow. as for accu, i've not had it but i'm planning on starting it with the ivf. its meant to help success rates. unfortunately thats all i know though.

how you doing?? whats your next step??
x
2nd IVF/ICSI - baby girl Elliana born 21.4.08 weighing 7lb 6.5ounces; 7 frosties left...
[img]http://dl3.glitter-graphics.net/pub/471/471593nd9346hthf.gif[/img] to all!
[img]http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/lamlamavi20080421_-1_Elliana+is.png[/img]

amanda-jane
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Post by amanda-jane » Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:57 am

hi shantala
i'm definitely planning on the accupuncture and reflexology, bloody hell what with the vitamins, and books i need a second mortgage!
sorry not very good on computer how many cycles did you say you've done? i'm tryin to give up coffee but i'm struggling with that first coffee of the day! :)
a.j.hewlett

shantala
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Post by shantala » Mon Jan 15, 2007 12:17 pm

amanda - jane

haha...i know what you mean about the second mortgage. as it happens thats what we'll have to do if it doesnt work out first time and we have no frozen embies left!!

its my first one and we're doing ivf/icsi. i've given up coffee, coke, tea, everything and anything that has caffeine in and i so know what you mean. that first cup to get me going in the morning is the one i miss the most. i've given it all up for about 3 months now and its not too bad now. at the beginning though i had night sweats and everything!!! :lol: so when do you start your tmt?

xx
2nd IVF/ICSI - baby girl Elliana born 21.4.08 weighing 7lb 6.5ounces; 7 frosties left...
[img]http://dl3.glitter-graphics.net/pub/471/471593nd9346hthf.gif[/img] to all!
[img]http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/lamlamavi20080421_-1_Elliana+is.png[/img]

vicky77
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Post by vicky77 » Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:33 pm

Hey there all my rant friends, haha :lol:

Angie, yes I still don't know how I did not to slap him in the face with my plate.... :oops: ..... but I gave him "the look" (which I am not sure if he realized it was meaning, "do that one more time and I kick your butt".....guess not because he kept going all night long.... :evil: ).....About going out with non pregnant friends, I have a hard time doing that, only one of my friends have no kids or is not pregnant, all the rest are even starting the second round already!!.....

Sassy, don't be sorry for your "estrogen-induced grief-rant"...loved that one.... :wink: , as you said, this is what this thread is about!!!. I didn't know they started thawing a couple of days before transfer, I always thought the thaw was the same day....guess I was wrong....I guess we all have our moments, I am starting to think this whole process turned my bipolar......the same day I could be full of hope and super happy, and an our later I feel like it won't work.......crazy uhh!!!!

Amanda-Jane, I just loved when you called my friend's husband "disgusting insensitive pig", that is what best describes him, do you know him by any chance?? haha...., I haven't done acu or reflexology, but a lot of women use it here, guess I might try it at some point...

Shantala, I understand the cutting all the caffeine thing, I did that on my first cycle, I am a big time diet coke addict......, it was almost my only liquid intake..., what I was turn to caffeine free diet coke only on special occasions (dining out) or weekends.........of course after the m/c I had a big diet coke feast (doesn't sound too cool for you guys probably, but it was like getting drunk to me, but with diet coke.......see told you I am going nuts with all this!!! :lol: )...

Loving this thread!!, thanks Sassy!!!
Vicky
4th IVF 09/07....:D BFP !!!! :D....Benjamin born 06/18/08
[img]http://b1.lilypie.com/s07Tm5/.png[/img]

WISCONSINGAL
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Post by WISCONSINGAL » Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:48 pm

I LOVE THIS POST.....I'M SO GLAD IT WAS STARTED.......IT PRETTY MUCH SUMS UP WHAT MOST OF US ARE FEELING AND JUST NOT "SAYING OR WRITING"......WAY TO GO VICKY77!!!!

FOR THOSE OF YOU ASKING ABOUT ACUPUNTURE...I'VE HAD (2) SESSIONS DONE SO FAR, THE 1ST ONE COST $85, THE 2ND $55....AND I GO BACK THIS WEDNESDAY FOR THE (3). I'M THINKING MY ER MIGHT BE THIS SATURDAY......I STILL NEED TO FIND OUT WHEN I SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS.......IF IT'S BETTER BEFORE ER.....OR RIGHT AFTER....??? ANYONE OUT THERE........PLEASE HELP IF YOU KNOW. THIS IS MY SECOND ATTEMPT AT IVF, THE 1ST TIME THERE WAS NO FERTILIZATION, SO WE DIDN'T HAVE AN ET......THIS TIME WE'RE DOING A FLARE PROTOCAL, NO LUPRON.....AND THE ONLY OTHER THING I'M DOING THAT I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE IS ACUPUNCTURE SO I'M HOPING THAT IT WORKS SINCE THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE.....I JUST CELEBRATED MY 41ST B-DAY......SO THIS IS IT!
2 FAILED IUI'S
NOV. IVF 2006, CANCELLED NO FERTILIZATION
2ND IVF JAN. 2007, GOT BFP
M/C @ 11 WEEKS

sassynlv
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Post by sassynlv » Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:42 pm

AWWW, ladies, thanks for your responses. I am glad that some of you also feel such a thread would be helpful. i read a few responses before i went to bed last night and appreciate the support. It helps knowing i am not alone. I woke up this morning feeling somewhat better (thank you, hormone mood swings :wink: ). In fact (now, don't anyone faint on me here if you have been reading my other posts this month!), i am actually EXCITED for my FET next wk. WTF? Get this... there was actually a toddler in my RE office and it didn't even bother me! Talk about some serious mood swings! US this morning brought good news... thus i hit the "excited" category... lining at 9mm already. Yipee! (Ok, ok, enough positivity for a ranting thread :lol: )

Vicky: oooo... the plate thing to the head would have been very impressive (meg once suggested an "IVF defense", similar in so many ways :D to the insanity defense... you could have put it to work!). as for the embryo thaw... my clinic does blast ETs, and the embryos were thawed just after fert, so they will thaw and give them 3-4 days to see which (or-- fingers crossed-- how many) will blast.

wisconsingal: I did acu a few times, mostly for stress relief. Didn't notice much for me, but i think that's 'cause i stopped after only 2 times. I am familiar w/people doing it before and after ET, but not familiar w/the schedule around ER. sorry can't be helpful. I remember when you got your "no fert" news and how heartbreaking and difficult that was for you. Glad to see you "back on the horse". I am hoping big time for you that you not only get lots of ferts, but also a BFP!

Mandy: lots of women find acu to be very helpful, that is why i gave it a shot. It wasn't bad, i just didn't notice much change in stress or relaxation for me (although at $150/sesssion, maybe i was expecting too much??? :? )

shantala: that's the reason i didn't put this as a "multiple cycle failure" thread, know there are women that are on #1 IVF that would share the same emotions. Glad to see you on here!

Meg: ooooo, can't wait for a good meg-rant... the nice, juicy kind! I also enjoy reading a good rant... ESPECIALLY when i am in the ranting mood. So no, i don't think that makes you a bad person... (because that would make me one, too :lol:) .

I am sure that i have a good angry rant inside me just dying to get out... but not feeling it now... and i am going to enjoy the peace while i have it (lord knows, another down swing will be coming soon enough!)
6 fresh IVFs plus one cancelation
Last Chance FET--- Pregnant with triplets!
[img]http://b1.lilypie.com/XhKKm8/.png[/img]

vicky77
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Post by vicky77 » Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:51 pm

Sassy, you made me laugh with you being in the "excited category", as I said, we might all be turning kind of bipolar with all this!!!!......
Meg's "IVF Defense" sounds good, hope I don't have to use it, otherwise I would hire you Meg as my attorney, ha ha :lol:
Ohhhhhhhh, how would I love to have a time machine, I really need to move at least two months into the future, this waiting thing is killing me!!!!!!......I have a type A personality as you can see, I don't deal well with being patient....aggrrrrrrr...
..........well I started writing this about an hour ago, got interrupted by work, and totally lost inspiration........I hope it comes back to me..
See you guys later!!!! :wink:
Last edited by vicky77 on Tue Jan 16, 2007 3:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
Vicky
4th IVF 09/07....:D BFP !!!! :D....Benjamin born 06/18/08
[img]http://b1.lilypie.com/s07Tm5/.png[/img]

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