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Good excuses?

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Good excuses?

Postby babyhope1 » Tue Oct 28, 2008 11:39 pm

Ladies,

I unfortunately have to lie about what I am going through (IVF now) because I personally believe what happens between my legs is my business. I have to come up with excuses about going out to dinners, meeting with friends and all that when alchol comes into the picture often at these things. I don't want anyone to know anything, it isn't their business. Having miscarried twins, even a sip is too much. So I find myself isolated and creating lies, I am a horrible liar. Anyone have any advice?
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Postby karenvancouverisland » Wed Oct 29, 2008 3:03 am

hi babyhope...i really empathize with you. i've suffered the negative consequences of telling people and living to regret it. but overall, i have taken an opposite approach to handling this.

i started to hate myself for being a liar. i didn't want people to know i couldn't get pg, but EVEN MORE- i didn't want people to think i was 36 yrs. old, and didn't care about having children, or that i didn't want them. and saying 'we'll get to it in the future'- started to wear thin.

so at this point, i've told countless people about our ivf struggles, and about our m/c in june. for me, this was the 'best' choice, given that i didn't like my choices.

the benefits i've experienced doing it this way: i feel authentic (not like a liar), i get the emotional support from family, friends, coworkers, bosses. i believe in the power of prayer and positive energy, and i believe that all the people wishing this to happen for us is like a 'petition to god or the universe' to bring us a baby. if that many people are asking god for it- maybe it'll happen. also this way i isolate less. after that initial, sickening feeling of telling someone, about a week later, i go out for coffee with them, and am NOT treated like a leper. often they end up confessing their embarrassing secrets to me in exchange, and frankly, i have felt our common humanity through this.

the downside of telling people. some times people say stupid, ignorant shit. also sometimes i tell people and i feel more embarrassed or ashamed than i feel supported. again,this is usually when they say stupid shit.. sometimes i'm able to look past their ignorant words and see their good intentions, other times i want to murder them.

i'm not sure if any of this helps you, but i can see it's helped me to hear your struggle and just be able to sit and type about mine. it's reminded me of how many things i have to be grateful for..i have a wonderful circle of support people, many of whom have never walked in our shoes.

i wish you the best in finding the right answers for you. each of us has a different path with who we share this with. lots of love,karen
38 yrs. DOR, TTC since '04, recommended DE but didn't listen
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Postby babyhope1 » Wed Oct 29, 2008 4:35 pm

Thanks Karen, I so appreciate, sure honnesty is the best policy. I am just not there yet. I have been so open and honnest about my entire experience, this is when I have shifted to secrecy. I am a bit ashamed and embarassed I have to take it to IVF. Expecially when friends are getting prego by accident left and right. Even one 40 year old friend of my DH who had a vasectomy even had an accident! My RE is out on maternity! I am now not letting people over and having to keep them out of my fridge and hide my needles. I feel like a drug addict of sorts.

I have sworn my husband to secrecy and it is clearly wearing on him. We fight almost every night because he says he has no outlet. He is a mama's boy but I don't want them to know so he too feels isolated.

I too have found out that in telling people what I am going through they have opened up about their secrets. I now know which friends have had abortions...why do people tend to tell people struggling with IF about their abortions? I don't get it but I understand the guilt and greif and postpartum depression with similar emotions from such an event.

Anyway, I believe I will continue to isolate and mask it with the holidays. Saying I will be out of town or on blood thinners to avoid alchol. I just don't want people to have that asterisk above my head. What I have learned is that as much as people want to understand, unless they have gone through it, they just don't. So, one one side I feel emotionally drained about explaining things to everyone. If it doesn't work out or I miscarry again, I don't have to further explain my emotional pain. I don't have to deal with any expectations. With my struggles so far I don't want to be in that situation ever again. This is my way of preventing it. You are absolutely right though, someday I will be on that page with you.
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Postby PMApsy » Wed Oct 29, 2008 6:18 pm

Hi there ladies,

I just wanted to say that reading your stories touched me profoundly. When you read several testimonies here, you quickly realize that there is no good or wrong way to deal with infertility or IVF. I think the most important is to look at your options (and there are more options than telling everyone or no one) and see your reactions to each of them. There are consequences to every choice, and these consequences don't necessarily determine which choice was a mistake or not. It's all a question of perspective; someone can be able to live with certain consequences very well, while someone else couldn't.

I, too, told some people and regretted it. I, too, wished I had told no one when I miscarried in April. We all go through different things, but we do share a common load somehow.

That being said, there seems to be a big difference between your tale, babyhope, and Karen's tale. You mentioned how you fight almost every night with your husband because he feels very uncomfortable with the choice you're imposing on him. Now I'm not saying it's a bad choice or a good choice. But it's your choice, and one of its consequences is that it has a huge impact on your husband, and on your couple's well-being. Making the sacrifice of interpersonal support seems easy to you, and it's okay. It doesn't seem it's the case for your husband, and he's also going through this even if, physically, he's not going through a quarter of what you're going through. He's still struggling with infertility.

As I said, there is no good way or bad way to deal with this, only choices and there consequences. Are you ready to put your husband and couple's well-being in jeopardy? The most important thing during that IVF process, no matter if you tell others or not, is to work well as a team with your partner, even if each partner is going through different stuff. It's important to stay on the same page. Working as a team might mean that your husband has to come to terms with your wish for discretion and silence and find the outlet he needs elsewhere. It might also mean that you could meet him in the middle and let him open up to one or two people whose discretion you can trust. Another middle ground might be to determine what level of disclosure satisfies both of you (something like "we're going through treatments right now, it's a very delicate matter and we prefer to keep it private". Whatever option seems best for you guys, it would be best if you found it together, for the situation affects you both.

The other thing that I noticed is your motivation behind your choice. You said you feel ashamed about IVF. I think that feeling is perfectly normal. I felt like a broken device, or like my husband made a bad deal by marrying someone like me whose body was not functioning the way it should. But I did work on those feelings and I got over them. When I did, I stopped adding a whole layer of negative emotions over a process that was already emotionally challenging. Even if the ride has been rough, it was considerably easier once I put those feelings behind me. Whatever works for you, I sincerely hope that you can overcome that embarassment and shame. IVF wouldn't become easy, but it sure would be easier.

I hope my post doesn't offend you. I truly understand how you feel and I do not think your way of dealing with things is better or worse than anyone here. It's just your way. I really wish the IVF fairy will look your way very soon and bring you a health baby (or babies!). Same for you, Karen.

Take care, and best of luck,

Sophie xxox
1st and 2nd IVF = BFN 1st FET BFP! m/c at 7 weeks. 2nd FET BFP! 3rd FET BFN
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Postby karenvancouverisland » Wed Oct 29, 2008 6:34 pm

hi babyhope and sophie...

i found your input very interesting sophie, and probably more gutsy than mine. i think you're onto something- i personally don't think we can dictate how our dh's handle this. before i was trying to manage who my dh told, and who he didn't, then i'd end up asking questions like 'well what exactly did you say when you told them?'..and 'what did they say in reply'...i think it made both of us crazier..

as you asked for input babyhope, if i can respectfully say that i think your dh needs his room to make his choices.. yes what goes on between your legs is your business, but maybe you need to apply that idea to your dh- what goes on in his heart is his business..

shame is an awful, terrible thing..it's a state of mind that tells us we are defective..i feel it often. what i've learned is that i need to expose my feelings of shame, in a safe, supportive way, so that shame doesn't take over my being. it sounds like you're dh at least wants to reach out to his mom..

IF tests' marriages, friendships, our courage...and requires us to look at the choices that we do have, i too, have stayed stuck on wanting the choices that are no longer options for me. it is no longer an option for you that this be an easy, comfortable road. although this is easier said than done, i have to say that my life has been easier when i take this path.

i too hope i haven't offended you with my candor...from my experiences getting to know you through posts..i really like you and wish you to have more peace amongst this journey. karen
38 yrs. DOR, TTC since '04, recommended DE but didn't listen
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Postby prayin4BFP » Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:04 pm

DH and I have also decided not to share our IVF experiences with anyone hence the fact I am here sharing anonymously. We both felt it was a private matter and if the IVF didnt work for whatever reason we (moreso me) dont want to hear all the stuff some people say that is supposed to make you feel better but doesnt. I am lucky though since I have a supportive DH and we feel the same. We talk about Project B cryptically and I am glad no one knows right now.
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Postby Chicory » Thu Oct 30, 2008 1:50 pm

Hi everyone,

I don't usually post replies...I tend to hang out in the background. Well I decided to reply today. :)
My personal experience (for what it's worth) has not been good when it comes to telling the "fertility" story. When I began treatments a couple of years ago I took the honest approach. As I would be frequently having to leave work for appointments...or missing family events or not be able to commit engagements until the last possible moment...I thought I would share my story. I have to admit that I really do regret this. Perhaps I was just extremely unlucky and surrounded by a bunch of insensitive weirdos. I have had comments like "you're so hormonal" (from a co-worker) and "that stuff is just poison" (from my mother in-law) to mention just a few...and let us not forget the sudden avoidance by family and friends. I felt really abandonned by many people...like I had a contageous disease. The latest was from a co-worker (actually the same one who said I was hormonal..I see a pattern here:) who said that my being on a sick-leave is b/c she was pregnant??? I took a leave of abscence b/c I was an emotional wreck after 2yrs of intense treatment and I'm now waiting for surgery on Nov.24th...but I don't need to explain to you guys...I know you just "understand".
My husband and I no longer discuss ANYTHING with anyone.

Not sure if this helped but I'm on the side of keeping it private.

C
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Postby PMApsy » Thu Oct 30, 2008 5:03 pm

Hi guys! :)

Just a quick note, because the latest posts seem to suggest that there is a debate going on here about wether or not it's good to tell people. I don't think this was babyhope's intention. That choice is personal and should be made as a team with both partners. As long as both partners are happy with their decision, it's strictly their business.

Whether or not you choose to remain silent or tell people, there are a lot of different ways to do this, it's really not black and white. And, sadly, whether or not you choose to share stuff with people, you always have some bad experience with insensitive people... it's not only true for IVF matters!

Anyway, my two cents,

Sophie :)
1st and 2nd IVF = BFN 1st FET BFP! m/c at 7 weeks. 2nd FET BFP! 3rd FET BFN
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Postby babyhope1 » Fri Oct 31, 2008 4:44 pm

PMApsy, you are correct, I didn't intend this to be a debate however I would much rather discuss this (thank politics for example ;) ) and people's feelings, and if it gets heated, well so be it, this is our outlet right!

Chicory, thanks for replying, I am glad you are not just in the background. You feedback is much like mine and I do understand your perspective. I am glad to hear how others are dealing with this.

Karen, you are always so understanding, like a sister. You always support me no matter what twisted things and thoughts come out of me. I am glad I can be open and honnest with all of you because the things I say here are my honnest feelings and as ugly as they can get you guys know it all, my true feelings. Thanks for listening and loving me nomatter what. I know today is a big day for you and I wish you all the best with ET.

prayin4BFP-I understand your sharing anonomously. I wish my husband could get on a foum to vent to other DH of IVF. I know it would help him tremendously.

PMApsy-you have some great points, you are like my psychologist...but for free!! I need that! I am not sure which I need more...the free part or the psychology! Seriously! Anyway, perhaps I will have a more positive attitude once I go through (however many times) and end up preggers with a baby that survives. I am just so tainted from this experience and the sharing seems to be more emotionally draining having to teach family and friends things. I am tired of it. Worst of all the expectation, that causes me the most stress.

This is the only thing I ever wanted in life. I never imagined driving a porche or living on the beach in California because those things aren't realistic. I always imagined myself with children of my own. I am still not so sure I want everyone to know how we did it but then again I want them to understand the struggles. Now that I have been sticking myself with needles for nearly a week it isn't too bad. I just had an operation to remove polyps with full anesthesia October 10th so the ER and ET seem like they may be cake. Maybe ignorance is bliss!

I think I have decided to keep quiet about IVF but my boss and close friends know I am going through treatment, but I am giving details to what I went through a couple of months ago, not the IVF details. I am caught up in that I was invited to a Halloween party tomorrow night. I will have to be sick, its not the type of place I want to be stark sober at and I don't want to be tempted to drink. I am a bad liar and couldn't think of an excuse when I was first asked. It was easier to pretend to want to go to their faces. UH! Drama! I don't want to say anything like I may be preggers because its that expectation stress I can't handle. Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent and its good to know you ladies are going through similar situations.

A good friend of mine said, it all works out in the end, if it isn't the way you want it, then it isn't the end. All my love, Babyhope.
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Postby karenvancouverisland » Fri Oct 31, 2008 5:08 pm

hi babyhope!

if you're DH is interested...i referred my hubby to this: IVF.ca Forums is another message board like ours, but has a 'DH ZONE' - where hubbies post...it's funny, i read it once and a guy said he used to think 'DH' meant 'dead husband', as i guess his wife was so hormonal she wanted to kill him :D :lol:

i'm glad you posted back..i'd been feeling guilty for any way i'd contributed for this feeling like a 'debate'..which i know it is not supposed to be.

i have ALOT of 'ugly' feelings too- they're just not as prevalent these days...and i also believe the most important thing we can do with those is to get them out!

have a great day everyone :) and love to you all, karen
38 yrs. DOR, TTC since '04, recommended DE but didn't listen
3 IVF's & 1 FET: 1 cancellation, 1 m/c @ 12 wks, 1 chemical, 1 miracle boy & miracle 'natural' PG right now while waiting to cycle (WTF?)
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Postby esperanza » Fri Oct 31, 2008 10:17 pm

hey babyhope---honey, I understand...your original post asked for something practical, so here I go:

-when it comes to rejecting alcohol, tell them that you're taking antibiotics for a tooth infection (root canal or something) OR that you're the designated driver (dh and I used to do that).

-Sometimes I just told people a general response "I have to go through a medical procedure and need to take it easy after wards" ...no details, when they asked "are you ok?", I would say, "yes, yes, I'm fine, nothing threatening but that it needs to be taken care of." Folks usually left me alone after that.

I only shared my (in)fertility journey with those folks I KNEW were going to be loving and supportive (whether because they've gone through it themselves OR because I just knew they were amazingly loving and compassionate people).

Best wishes to you my dear friend.
me: 33 dh: 40
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FET #1 March 08 BFN
FET #2 July 08 BFP (DD born on April 2009)
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Postby babyhope1 » Sun Nov 02, 2008 1:32 am

No worries ladies of any debate, this is why we have this outlet to openly and honestly discuss our feelings, questions, concerns etc. So, I am glad everyone has been able to do so and I encourage everyone to continue knowing you are in a place where everything you say and do can not be held against you. HA!

Thanks for the excuse experanza, I had one for my Halloween party, my cramps were strong for my first period since my pregnancy! That is 4 months without a period...yep I am happy to announce AF arrived. So, this is the big month, we will see what happens. I only have a few more weeks to worry about the excuse thing. Next weekend is our wedding anniversary so that is covered, then one more weekend...then ER potentially. Thanks for your support ladies!
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Postby karenvancouverisland » Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:04 am

glad you got AF babyhope! it took over 8 weeks after my m/c and i thought that was long! so you're one step closer.

so i'm about to head out to a party..held by close friends who know what's going on with us, but we don't know alot of their friends...so i've got my 'excuses' ready..(or so i think)..as i won't be drinking- i'm in the 2 WW, and feeling quite positive THIS WILL BE OUR TIME!

i usually say 'vague' but not un-true things like esperanza suggested...it does feel awkward though at these events as most people our age have kids! and when i meet women i haven't met before- it's usually the first thing they ask you,,and sometimes they don't really want to talk about anything else...or their lives are so absorbed in their kiddies they don't have much else to talk about and aren't really interested in talking to me, 'career woman'.... and then, i end up feeling pissed off that they think that i don't want kids- that i'm one of those women... yikes-things can get twisted in my head.. i'd so much rather just hang out with a small group that doesn't feel like 'party time'.

anyways, gotta run, party is calling!
38 yrs. DOR, TTC since '04, recommended DE but didn't listen
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