Thinking of giving up

Discussion group for all topics related to infertility including preparation for pregnancy, causes, investigation and treatment of infertility.
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Thinking of giving up

Post by Guest » Tue Jun 01, 2004 5:12 pm

Hi Girls

I have not really posted on here much recently.......I have been soooo down and fed up. I have been a permanent fixture going from one cycle buddies board to the next since January and I am at breaking point.

DH and I are starting to bicker a lot because he cannot cope with my mounting depression/anxiety and anger. I have given up on this 2ww because I know this is never going to work for me as long as I remain as stressed as I am.......and I cannot change, I can't wake up one day and pretend this does not matter. I even had some wine over the weekend because I am fed up pretending every month that I may be pregnant therefore I better take care.

Our future lies in that clinics hands and I don't know what to do.......how can it be that there is nothing wrong with me and yet this still does not work....is there a higher being that has just decided we should not have children...........I don't even know if it is worth trying IVF?

I am in despair, we are now going to have to start thinking seriously about how we will continue to finance this too.

Does anyone know if there are tests they can do to see why nothing is happening?

I cannot imagine life without a baby..........it just seems to cruel a blow for my poor DH to not be able to have children of his own as well as me.

Sorry for being self pitious, you can see why I have avoided posting now.....don't want to bring you all down with me.
Love

JenFx

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sue e
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Post by sue e » Tue Jun 01, 2004 5:25 pm

Hi Jen,

Don't post very often on these boards as i have yet to start ivf, but i just wanted to say hang on in there. Yes things are bloody awful and yes its something we cannot control but you have to give yourself the best possible chance of things working, i just wanted to let you know that there are people out here who care and wish you all the best, i know thats not much, but your not alone. If you need to get on the boards and rant do it, as it can only help you. Just be good to yourself, dont give up unless you really have to and feel in your heart of hearts it right, don't walk away from this without giving it your best, because later on thats something else that will bring you down.

I will be thinking of you

Sue X
Age 33 dh 34 Married Nov 03 /ectopic dec 03
1st ICSI start July 05, +ive Hpt 10th oct / m/c
FET Feb - +ive
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;4;29/st/20061023/n/Jessica+Louise/dt/5/k/0be2/age.png[/img]

Traci
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Post by Traci » Tue Jun 01, 2004 5:44 pm

Jen F
I am right there with you buddy :cry: I too have had all tests but nothing found wrong with me except High FSH but I still ovulate and to be honest I produced better embryos with my own eggs! Have you had the test that checks for implantation its about £575 but it rules out the pos of clotting or genetic differences ! I will give you the list if you want it . I do hope you are feeling better and keep the hope there , I am so scared to go to the life after bord as I dont feel ready yet .

Love and Hugs
Trace x

sharoninsomerset
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Post by sharoninsomerset » Tue Jun 01, 2004 5:47 pm

Hi Jen,

I know just how you feel. I am also on my 3rd go since December and I'm also on my 2ww test on Thursday(if I go that long as usually get AF before) - you are only a few days behind. I don't know how I am going to cope if this one is a negative - I think this will be the end for us as well after 5 goes and around £16,000 later!!

Last cycle I asked about tests to be done, but they didn't feel that I needed any and went through all the tests and gave me good reasons not to have them. However, if this one fails, then I think I will insist on every test under the sun. We have had assisted hatching this time which was the next step to hoping the little buggers would stick around - have you considered this? I'm sure some of the girls will post details of the tests they have had and whether they thought it was worth it - it would be interesting to know.

However, I'm saying never say never. It could well be BFP's for both of us - you just never know and you should try not to dwell on it until it happens, well too much anyway.

If we both get BFN's then we can support each other through it, but until then we need to try a little bit of optimism, if we can :wink:

I'm wishing you all the luck in the world, I'll keep an eye on you.
Love Sharon X
me 38 DH 47 - TTC - 3.5 years - tubal infertility
4 failed IVF cycles - 1 abandoned
Found to have raised FSH when going for 5th cycle
Now looking at adoption
Let the new adventure start!
Sx

Bronagh
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take a break

Post by Bronagh » Tue Jun 01, 2004 5:56 pm

Jen,

I think if this one doesnt work you need a break from it thats a long time to go from one cycle to another .(if you can) I've been on one cycle since feb its just taken me so long to down reg and thats enough for me so I can only imagine how it is for you.

At the beginning of all this DH and I had to ask our selves why ,we asked each other why we wanted children and what would happen if we didnt have them. We are not ready to give up yet but this all takes it toll and we still want to have a relationship at the end of it so its been trial and error.

It really is a b****** sometimes I think are we only doing this because of the tech is available ,mysister took 9 years to concieve naturally,my aunt and grandmorther 8 years each . WE have been trying for 5 and have unexplained infertility maybe its not just the right time??? I dont know but I do know you need to look after yourself and DH if this times its a no.Take a break.

Bronagh

DebraP
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Post by DebraP » Tue Jun 01, 2004 7:18 pm

Jen, you know how many of us understand exactly how you feel. The highs are great but the lows...so bloody awful it's easy to forget why we're doing this.

I just wanted to say you've a board full of people willing you on and wishing you +++ thoughts. Never easy but most of us on here are seasoned at giving and receiving the fabulous support this site provides.

I don't have any bright ideas on how get through this low period. Thinking how many good things you have in your life doesn't really wash when there's still this huge bubble over your head saying 'I'm ready for a baby - NOW'. You WILL get through it, you've done it before and you know there are people on the other side courtesy of their 4th or 5th try.

take care,
love
Debra.

Guest

Post by Guest » Tue Jun 01, 2004 8:08 pm

Hey you guys

What can I say.......you make me feel so humble. I'm trying........but your kind words really do mean a lot.........from the bottom of my heart, they really help me continue this nightmare......

Love to all

JenFx

ps going to ask about the tests

Dagny
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Post by Dagny » Wed Jun 02, 2004 9:31 am

Hi Jen

I ditto what all the others have said. There are days when you just ask yourself "what the hell am I doing all this for"? We go through so much and sometimes there is nothing at the end of it.

Keep going my friend as there will be light at the end of your tunnel one day. You are still quite young and have so much in front of you to look forward to. It may not feel like it right now as you are feeling down but we are all there for you and will hold your hand and support you through the tough times.

I ask myself all the time why I got the $hitty end of the stick earlier this year when it was all going so well and I think sometimes we get given situations to deal with to make us better people.

You are a very strong person and have been through a lot. It is hard to accept when there is nothing medically wrong with you as you just expect it to work. Hang on in there, you are on a 2ww which is always a mind blower and you never know this could be the one!

Thinking of you and take lots of care, when do you test?

Love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle

Bronagh
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better day

Post by Bronagh » Wed Jun 02, 2004 10:01 am

JenF
Hope your having a better day today.

Bro

Tracey S
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Post by Tracey S » Wed Jun 02, 2004 10:36 am

JEn

I feel for you really I do - there are no magic answers and I wish I had them I really do -there are so many deserving people out there.
There is probably not one single person who does not and has not felt like you at some time during IVF - it is the worst part the mental side. The rest (thanks to banks and credit cards and god knows what) we cope with.

I am pg on my 5th attempt - I had one ectopic on my first just before my wedding and then on my 4th pg but lost him at 20 weeks and now nearly 30wks with twins - don't give up but take some time out if you need to. Losing a relationship is not worth it and at times I just used to be foul to DH especially as he has two young children - nearly 10 and 6 now that were a right stick in the gullet I can tell you when I was having tmt! Another reminder of what I did not have. I thought why me and why then give me a baby and take it away and why all the shit and ............... off I went. There is someone called DI on the other board who has had her precious baby after 10 goes - maybe 11 can't remember but loads. I am not saying it wil take this long or even you should go this long but it does happen. The need and desire to have a baby is a burning torment in all of us or we would not be here. For most of us they sort it out and I know you will be saying I might be the one they don't - we have all said that! Some of you still are. I have no answers but can tell you that somewhere inside we find the strength to carry on or one day wake up and say enough is enough. I don't think you are there yet........... neither do I think you should give up yet. As for tests - in your case I think you don't need them - IVF when all is said and done works for about 25% - that is 4 goes -some take less and some more - remember that is take home baby rate. Ok they are a bit higher these days. You can get bogge down spending a fortune on tests etc when you don't need them. Take a breather, spend some quality time together being "normal" (we so rarely get a chance in IVF to do the normal things) welly down some red wine and binge on things you like - it is not going to harm you (as long as it's legal!) and come back and go again. It's not over yet anyway is it? AS for wine - don't worry - I thought "b******s to it" on my last 2ww and had red wine and finished off all the blue cheese in the fridge out of spite and hey ho twins! TAke care
Love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!

Lisa_P
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Post by Lisa_P » Wed Jun 02, 2004 5:54 pm

Jen

Just to say, don't give up hope. I'm 28 weeks pregnant on our 2nd diui - we were very lucky - the consultant was giving us up to 6 goes before looking at the ivf route - so please don't give up!

much love

lisa

alisonn
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Post by alisonn » Wed Jun 02, 2004 6:30 pm

jen, is so heartbreaking to read a message like yours, and yes i think
we can all say we do understand, anyway u havnt tested yet, have you??
it sounds like u have put yourself thru a lot this year and we are not
even half way thru. The most important part of all this is your relationship
with your husband, it is probably hurting him just as much but in
a different way, and its so difficult for them as they feel so helpless
when they see all the pain u are going thru both emotionally and physically. It is a tough road and if u dont get your +itve this time
round, take some time out, YOU ARE STILL YOUNG which i know
u dont realy want to hear, I went thru 4 icis treatments in a year
(+itve 4th go) just as i turned 43, and as u can imagine i felt so desparate
because of my age, it was a tough year.
You can get there just give yourself some time.
alisonn

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Jun 02, 2004 7:29 pm

Hi Girls

It really helps you know speaking to you all.......and I feel guilty as I know some of you...Dagny and Tracey to name but a few have been through sooo much more than me.

It unfortunately has failed again........AF turned up this afternoon, the usual steak of red I get before full af tomorrow........so cruel, it is only day 10 was not even expecting it no AF signs at all, no tiredness, sore boobs, nothing!........I am not devistated, I expected it and as i type this I am consuming a large glass of red.

I phoned the clinic to ask why AF at day 10, they reckon there is a problem with my luteal phase.......anyway thanks to you guys I am going to motor on with another DIUI..........I know it will be worth it some day....

Love to all.......Dagny, hope to see you on JCBs!!

JenFx

Dagny
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Post by Dagny » Thu Jun 03, 2004 8:36 am

Hi Jen

Oh God I am really sorry your AF has reared her ugly, crabby old head :evil: She is such an evil old cow. Is there any chance it could be a small implantation bleed? Will you still test on test day? I would, you never know. It has happened before where someone has had what they thought was a full AF so never tested and then felt funny a few weeks on and found she was pregnant - I can't for the life of me remember who but it did happen.

Don't lose all hope just yet.

It will happen one day my friend we just have to be positive.

Take care, love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle

Tracey S
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Post by Tracey S » Thu Jun 03, 2004 9:20 am

Jen

Sorry to hear about AF - test like DAgny says - you never know - I had full blown af and was pg but ectopic - not that that helps but test anyway as loads have had af and been pg!

Keep you chin up - you will get there I am feel sure
Love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!

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