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grieving after 1st failed ivf

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grieving after 1st failed ivf

Postby qhue » Mon May 19, 2008 2:55 pm

I'm 34 years old, have been married for 9 years. My husband and I decided to give IVF a try after 2 yeras of trying naturally. On the 23rd of April 2008 we started the programme. 2 beautiful embryos were transfered 14 days ago and today was the day for the pregnancy test which came out negative. I started bledding in the morning and had severe cramps and thought that perhaps the embroys were implanting. I can still hear the dr's words when I close my eyes... My husband and I are so distraught, we got carried away in the process and had even thought of names for babies! In as much as we knew that the chances of my falling pregnant after the procedure weren't 100%, the sadness we feel it's as if we didn't know. We'dfallen in love with the embryod and in our heartes they were already babies... In our hearts it feeld like we lost our babies today. How have people coped with the failed first attempts? how does one pick herself up and try again...? please help[/list]
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon May 19, 2008 2:12 pm


Postby rainbowmoms » Mon May 19, 2008 5:17 pm

I am so sorry for your BFN. With the severe cramping it sounds like they implanted but something went wrong and you miscarried. Alot of women experience that on there first round but go on to #2 and get pregnant and carry all the way though. Please do not be discouraged. #2 may be the one. It is hard I know but you must not give up. This is #3 for me and the last two BFNs were really hard but I keep telling myself I am going to get my baby no matter what. Good luck and lots of baby dust for your next round, Keep me updated.
Me 43 DP 50
ICI #1 March BFN
ICI #2 April BFN
IUI #3 May BFN
IUI #4 June BFN
Moving on to IVF, Scheduled for January 2009 in Matamoros Mexico.
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon May 12, 2008 6:17 pm
Location: Pleasanton, Ca (Bay Area)

Postby qhue » Mon May 19, 2008 5:35 pm

Thanks, rainbowmoms. DH and I 've cried our eyeballs out today, reading other peole's stories is helping, I know I'm not alone in this, It feels like group therapy... We've decided to see the doctor tomorrow for guidance. I was thinking of waiting a month or two before starting the second cycle again, DH thinks we shouldn't wait too long. Hope our dr will assist. I'm new on this site and haven't learnt much of the lingo yet, but 'll definitely keep you updated. I'm from South Africa, in Pretoria.
Me 34; DH 40
(still have to learn the other acronyms)
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon May 19, 2008 2:12 pm

Postby wishfull27 » Mon May 19, 2008 6:20 pm

Hi Ladies

Sending you big hugs - why not come over and join the thread on the main forum - awaiting treastment - there are lots of us on there - having treatment or waiting for next cycle - all offering each other the support and help you so need on this IVF roller coaster

love to all

carolyn xx
Valued Contributor
Posts: 1580
Joined: Mon Jul 23, 2007 8:01 pm
Location: UK

we're in the same boat

Postby juliesea » Tue May 20, 2008 3:12 pm

HI. I'm brand new to this board. I got implanted on April 30th and am right now finding out that it didn't work. It was my 1st try. I'm 32. I live in California in a small town and have to travel 4 hours each way to the clinic. I'm devastated. depressed. I know the best thing to do is to put the next stepping stone in front of me. We'll try a frozen embryo transfer. I'm not sure if I should wait a month or just plunge ahead. This has been really trying on my relationship with my husband of 9 years.
I hope we can stay in touch. What are your next plans?
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue May 20, 2008 3:06 pm
Location: bishop california

we're in the same boat

Postby juliesea » Tue May 20, 2008 3:12 pm

HI. I'm brand new to this board. I got implanted on April 30th and am right now finding out that it didn't work. It was my 1st try. I'm 32. I live in California in a small town and have to travel 4 hours each way to the clinic. I'm devastated. depressed. I know the best thing to do is to put the next stepping stone in front of me. We'll try a frozen embryo transfer. I'm not sure if I should wait a month or just plunge ahead. This has been really trying on my relationship with my husband of 9 years.
I hope we can stay in touch. What are your next plans?
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue May 20, 2008 3:06 pm
Location: bishop california

Postby qhue » Wed May 28, 2008 9:15 pm

Hi Julie

I'm sorry to learn that you had a BFN. I can imagine what you must be going through. It might sound cheesy coming from me, but do not give up.

I had my first doctor's appointment today and have decided to do a second IVF cycle in July 2008. I'm trying to read a much as I can and to take care of myself as much as possible. It took reading other women's stories, giving myself time-off to grieve, caring and understanding from ladies on this site to convince not to give up. I'm determined to try again. I've joined the awaiting treatment thread in the main forum and hope that I will find ladies who will have cycles in July.

Let's think positive, all the best
Me 34, DH 42 (married for 9 years)
1st IVF cycle: BFN (20/05/2008
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon May 19, 2008 2:12 pm

i'm new to this board

Postby Wants2BeAMommy » Thu May 29, 2008 1:40 am

hello, my name is Nikki. i have been through 2 fresh IVF cycles so far. my 1st was cancelled after they only got 2 icky eggs during e/r. this cycle we got 10 eggs, 9 fertilized, and we put back 2 8-cells on mother's day. i thought for sure it was a sign....but we got the call yesterday that my test came back neg. :cry: my dh and i had also picked names out. my RE was alomost positive i would get pg this time. i'm 28, and they embies were perfect quality. we aren't sure what went wrong, but i never got implantation cramping, so we don't think they were around for long. :( luckily, we still have 7 embies on ice...but we aren't sure how good of quality they are. they were frozen on day 3. my dh and i are trying to save up the $$ to do a FET by the end of august. i am very glad that the FET cycles are supposed to be much easier on the body. this last cycle i was on 600iu's of repronex a day...ouch. but it got us 9 embies. :D has anyone else had failed fresh cycles, then gone on to have a positive FET???
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu May 29, 2008 1:29 am
Location: Arizona

Postby ceriberi » Mon Jun 02, 2008 6:40 pm

Hi ya
sending u and your partner BIG HUGS
can relate to this so well, just recently Miscarried on our third IVF attempt. Like you I invested in it heavily this time, Felt that I had definately become pregnant and somehow, although it took, something went wrong. Blamed myself, did i lift something too heavy, I should have done this, I shouldnt have done that...

But I know i have to get over this, and prepare to try again. Hard not to attach emotionally, esp if you feel pregnant. I think usually you know. When I miscarried with our first pregnancy ( natural conception), I felt something was not right, weeks before we went for the 13 week scan, when we were told, and I'll never forget the words " this pregnancy isnt going anywhere". Devastation doesnt cover it. The ache was something I could not have imagined.

BUT, despite that, I have abeautiful baby boy from IVF, he is now 11 months, so keep going. Spoke to a woman the other day who had tried for 16 years, and finally had a baby boy, same age as my little guy. I told her i thought she was amazingly courageous.

find that strength, if it isnt there yet, it will come..
:P sending u love and hope

Me 43, Dh 43
Two loopy Librans from Liverpool, now living in Oz
MC October 2006
1st IVF cycle Sept 2007 was positive
beautiful baby boy (Caiden) born June 08
2nd IVF Feb 2008 -ive
3rd IVF May 2008 MC
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Jun 02, 2008 5:55 pm
Location: Perth, Western Australia

Postby venus25 » Wed Jun 25, 2008 5:19 pm

Hang in there ladies!! I know it is so tough to get the news that the first IVF cycle failed. :cry: So I'm sending you big big hugs!! I too had my first cycle fail this past February. I thought everything went well so we should definitely get a BFP. I felt a loss too about the embryos. There were the beginnings of biological children of mine and DH. They existed. They were growing. And then, they were gone. It's a terrible feeling. However, it gets better. Cry if you need to cry, scream if you need to do that too. Get the emotions all out. Once you do, you'll surprise yourself and find that strength to try again. I am waiting for AF to arrive (expecting next week) so that I can begin my second IVF. Hold onto hope! This site is full of success stories from amazing courageous women that didn't lose hope. Reading their stories keeps hope and our perseverance strong :)
Me = 32 yr
DH = 36 yr
Diagnosis = unexplained infertility
TTC 2 years
1st IVF (Feb. 2008) = BFN
2nd IVF (July 2008) - BFN
Posts: 54
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:44 pm

Postby Acapulco » Fri Jul 11, 2008 6:04 am

Dear qhue~

PLEASE know that you are NOT alone and I have found that knowing that there are many, many wonderful women going through the same thing really helps out. I've found that this site has been a life saver for me and I really do not know what I would do if I didn't have all of these girls to talk to and share with. We ALL know what this is like...how emotionally, mentally and physically stressfull the entire IVF process is but we are ALL HERE FOR YOU.

If you read my signature you'll know a bit more about my situation. It's hard for me to go through all of this knowing that I am healthy and all of my tests have come back normal and we're battling with male factor infertility because my DH had a vasectomy reversal. It was successful but since his surgery, his numbers have been low but the good thing with IVF with ICSI (for male factor) is that they take the best of the best sperm and inject it right into the egg AND, we're a lot farther than we'd ever be had we not gone this route. We'll be starting round 3 soon and although it doesn't get any easier (especially mentally and emotionally), we have made progress each time.

PLEASE keep your chin up and when you're ready to go another round, you'll know when it's the right time. It does take a while to heal but time does help and it does get easier especially if you keep the communication line open with DH and everyone on here...it really has helped me.

PLEASE keep me posted on your situation and again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. All of us know EXACTLY what you are going through and it is without a doubt a rollercoaster of emotions but think of the alternative if you didn't give it another go.

On a positive note, my doc told me that my 1st IVF was kind of like a trial and error test because everyone's body is different as to which drugs you will react to better and he was right because after my 2nd IVF, I did get pregnant and although it ended in a m/c at 11 weeks, I know that I'm further along that I would ever be due to my DH's low sperm count. Good thing is is that it only takes one!

Try your best to take one minute, hour, day and week at a time as you heal and when you are ready to try again, you will know.

Like I mentioned before, it is an emotional, mental and physical roller coaster of a ride but it will be well worth it in the end. I don't know about you but our insurance doesn't cover anything but a portion of the medications so everything has been out of pocket too and that's not easy (and we have Blue Cross/Blue Shield)

I wish you and your DH all the best and please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. All of us on here are ALWAYS here if you ever want to talk, vent, etc.


Love and prayers to you and your DH.


Last edited by Acapulco on Tue Nov 24, 2015 12:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
Me 33, DH M/Factor

#1 ICSI 9/07 AF came b4 BETA

#2 ICSI & AH 1/08 = BFP!
At 6 wks sac was empty, 8 wks nothing changed. Went off Endometrin, prenatal & baby asp. At 11 wks had natural, HORRIBLE M/C

#3 ICSI & AH
Posts: 44
Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 3:08 pm

Postby Dexter » Fri Jul 11, 2008 11:11 am

Sorry to read about your loss. Simply put, there are no guarantees with IVF and most of us go into our first attempt with wide eyed optimism after failing to conceive for so long naturally. Somehow IVF seems like the answer to our prayers. The reality is, it more often fails than succeeds. With all this in mind, the amount of successes on this board is enough to inspire all of us. It is most unusual to have success on your first attempt but it still happens for so many! It took me a year of IVF and four attempts and I'd just about given up. I thought it would never happen and was even blase towards the end which is of course exactly when we got our BFP- The time when I cared the least, drank wine, gave up acupuncture and ate what I liked... don't get me wrong I was still by no means "relaxed", just more pessimistic! Even then I still didn't trust it and as I sit here and type at 37 weeks prego and huge with twins, I still fear for what can go wrong. It was also a FET which I held even less hope for as my embryos were less than perfect.

So amidst all the despair and hurt of the year that was 2007 (I still cry about all the losses) I know each and every one of us can get lucky, sometimes when we least expect it. Just like life itself with all it's twists and turns. Keep talking about your precious experience and babies, hold your DH close and know that somewhere a little flame burns just waiting for the right moment to come into your heart.

All of the women and men on here are special souls who have shared something incredibly unique that no-one else in the "fertile" world can ever understand. We are warriors! Hope I haven't raved on too much.

Good luck to you and keep looking forward.

Dexter x
ME 36-Egg quality? FSH 10.4
DH 39 - Perfect!
Unexp IF - TTC 5years
IVF # 1 Jan/Feb 07-BFN
FET # 1April 07-BFN
May 07 -BFP Natural! m/c 6wks
IVF # 2 -BFN Chemical pg Beta 7
6 blasts on ice -
Try # 4 -FET Nov 07 BFP!! Beta 250 15dpo TWINS!!
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:37 am
Location: Australia

failed 1st IVF

Postby MommaKK » Wed Jul 16, 2008 6:48 am

Oh my gosh. It's 2am, and I'm still in shock from the news. Glad to find kindred spirits here - just can't believe the loss I'm feeling. I knew the chances were slim - and that the first round is sort of 'test case' but we so enjoyed the PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) status - I really felt pregnant.

Like others, we were cautiously optimistic - I thought. We called the project "Embryon" and hoped it was settling in happily. I had little cramping, but assumed we were still okay. 1st beta came back negative this afternoon and I'm wondering what our options are.

We only harvested 6 eggs - and 1 made it to ET on day 3 - do we have any chances of doing better on the next round? We'll talk to the doctor tomorrow, but I feel so hopeless right now.

Any advice?
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:28 pm
Location: Miami, Florida, USA


Postby slinkycateyes » Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:33 pm

sorry to hear about your 1st cycle not working, i was very lucky that my first attempt did, but unfortunaly endend in a stillbirth. i am now on my 6th attempt using embryo donation as i am 43 and my eggs are no longer viable and my partner has left due to all the stress! i am not giving you a sob story as i have remaind postive throughout the whole 3 years process. yes i named the embryos and thought of names and its really hard not to, as we all have hope that its going to work. i have dedcied that my atitude is to think of it as any other normal pregnacney and that if we were trying natutral that you would try and try again, and i feel that when going through ivf that we have to much information and we panic and get stressed at each stage. i am off to barcelona for my next cycle in sept, have you tried again as yet? good luck, apparently rakie is good for destressing?
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:19 pm
Location: bristol

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