shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Discussion forum for those particularly interested in IVF and embryo transfer including frozen embryo transfer.
nbfun
Member
Posts: 77
Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2010 9:45 pm

shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by nbfun » Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:12 pm

We haven't told anyone we are planning to do IVF.

Yesterday I was chatting w/ a friend that said "Can you believe Susie is planning to do IVF?" I replied that I hadn't heard that." My friend cut right in before I could say anything more and went on and on about how she just couldn't believe anyone would do that and especially "them". When she finished going on and on I said "well, I haven't heard that news but I hope it works well for them and they have as many more children as they desire" My friend was shocked and just kind of looked at me and then changed the subject.

My thing is that it's no one's biz except that family. Why does everyone think they have input in the decisions others make? I know my friend was all in a fit about it because Susie and her dh currently have 3 children. He had a vasectomy after #3 was born. They now regret that decision and he did have a reversal but it didn't work. But you know what, I don't care if they have 10 kids and want to do IVF to have more. that's up to them and so long as they can afford it, I say go for it.

This conversation just confirmed for me our decision not to share w/ anyone that we are doing IVF. Why do people have such a problem w/ IVF? I don't get it.

Thanks for letting me rant here a bit.
Me 39 "normal"
Dh 49 problem with tubes so no sperm "gets out" (basically like a vasectomy)

currently in 1st IVF -- BCP until 10/3, currently on Lupron. Suppression check 10/8. Start stims 10/9.

Sponsor
 

leorira11
Valued Contributor
Posts: 1275
Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2010 12:09 pm
Location: Jerusalem, Israel

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by leorira11 » Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:33 pm

I'm really open about our struggles and use of IVF and people are STILL incredibly rude.

A group of people, some of whom know and some who don't, brought up the topic of Celine Dion and her twin pregnancy - "Can you imagine someone would do FIVE IVFs!".... ummm.... we are doing transfer #4, so yeah, I can imagine 5...

When I was pregnant with twins, people always asked if it was IVF, I would answer yes and ask if they had anyone in their life suffering from infertility. So many people treated me as if my twins weren't 'real' twins, because I used IVF... as if I PICKED to use IVF just so I could have twins! IVF SUCKS ASS... I would never do that just so I can have twins. People don't understand that twinning is a NEGATIVE side effect of IVF... something we don't want!

grrrrrr. most people don't understand.
8 IVF+6 FET=6 BFN+8 BFP =

-b/g twins 22w (12.09)
-mc 10w (9.10)
-Micha (7.19-24.11) & Asaf (7.19-28.11) born at 24w
-mc 5wk (2.12)
-no HB at 18w (10.12)
-BO (4.13)-
-mc 6wk (9.13)

last attempt - donor sperm - baby girl born healthy July 2014

angeinhull
Regular
Posts: 266
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2009 9:02 pm
Location: United Kingdom

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by angeinhull » Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:50 pm

I too have always been honest about IVF but am starting to be a bit more cagey. A few incidences stick in my mind that have caused this.

One girl who I have know for years said after my 1st failed attempt: well I would never do that its not natural anyway. I just said that she doesn't know what she would do until she was in that position. Although I now wonder as she has been ttc for over a year with no sign.

Another incident was when I was at a parent and baby group when a so called professional said ' oh yes mrs x has triplets and they are not even IVF!. I mean why just because they are triplets should it be IVF? And is it a bad thing? The way she said it made it sound like it was.

The way I look at it every baby is a little miracle and after the painful journey all women and men go through to have their baby they should be adored and not discussed like there is something wrong with the process.

One woman I know who was unable to have her own children and was trying before IVF was really established said to me: Todays women are so lucky to have an extra chance at having their family and I hope the success rates go up and up. I thought this is a woman who really gets it.

Sorry rant over...
Me - 32 DH - 37
IVF 1: BFN IVF 2: BFP!

Freddie was born at 14.09 on 29/03/10 at 8lb 14oz.
Image

dogzrule
Regular
Posts: 511
Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2009 12:34 am
Location: from TX, now in CA

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by dogzrule » Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:27 pm

I didn't tell hardly anyone that we were doing ivf, only because I didn't want to have to constantly update people and deal with all the condolences if it didn't work. Now, after the fact, I am very open about how we got our miracle. I have yet to have any negative responses. In fact, it has opened the door for me to encourage others out there who are ttc and seek me out after they heard about my trial through the grapevine. I'm glad to hear this from you ladies though, so I won't be surprised if someone is dumb enough to say something like that to me. Bring it!!!! :lol:
Me-36,DH-43
1st IVF July 2009 - BFP! 9dp5dt: 31;11dp5dt: 77;14dp5dt: 214; 18dp5dt: 548; 21dp5dt: 1883. DD born 3/30/2010
1st FET July 2011- BFP! 8/3 beta: 178, 8/5 beta 455. DD born 4/4/2012

Ghost
Board Veteran
Posts: 4150
Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 5:01 pm

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by Ghost » Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:30 pm

nbfun wrote:We haven't told anyone we are planning to do IVF.

Yesterday I was chatting w/ a friend that said "Can you believe Susie is planning to do IVF?" I replied that I hadn't heard that." My friend cut right in before I could say anything more and went on and on about how she just couldn't believe anyone would do that and especially "them". When she finished going on and on I said "well, I haven't heard that news but I hope it works well for them and they have as many more children as they desire" My friend was shocked and just kind of looked at me and then changed the subject.

My thing is that it's no one's biz except that family. Why does everyone think they have input in the decisions others make? I know my friend was all in a fit about it because Susie and her dh currently have 3 children. He had a vasectomy after #3 was born. They now regret that decision and he did have a reversal but it didn't work. But you know what, I don't care if they have 10 kids and want to do IVF to have more. that's up to them and so long as they can afford it, I say go for it.

This conversation just confirmed for me our decision not to share w/ anyone that we are doing IVF. Why do people have such a problem w/ IVF? I don't get it.

Thanks for letting me rant here a bit.
Sadly, many people judge without knowing what they are talking about.
Avoid IVF and surrogacy in Ukraine. Ukrainian centers pay shills to post here under numerous sock accounts pretending to be patients in Ukraine. Centers using such deceptive advertising cannot be trusted and should be avoided.

jenice
Regular
Posts: 426
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2009 2:14 am

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by jenice » Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:47 pm

nbfun -my DH and I are open about IVF journey. I definitely get the vibe off people, that since we already have a DD we should be happy. If the IVF cycles don't work out, well we have our DD. We should be happy with what we have.I have always wanted several kids and I would like them to have siblings if possible. Sometimes, I would loooove to be a fly on the wall, to hear what people say. I've gone through surgeries, alot of procedures and numerous IVF cycles, I bet they think I'm nuts to go through all this for a second child. I don't care what they think. If all goes well in this pregnancy, we definitely have not decided to rule out another :shock: Everyones mouth would fall to the floor I bet 8) 8) 8)
ME 38 mild endo, removed left tube,2 ectopics DD born 2005 :)
DH Low Morph
IUI Feb 09 BFN
IVF #1 & 2cancelled May 09 & July 09
#3 BFN Sept 09
FET Nov 09 Chem Pregnancy
IVF #4 BFP June 10 Beta # 324, Beta#2 10,078 DS born 3/1/11

jenice
Regular
Posts: 426
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2009 2:14 am

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by jenice » Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:56 pm

nbfun - Better yet, you should get one of those IVF t-shirts that say " I survived IVF " or get one made up saying " IVF rocks " and invite that woman over or go see her @ a social gathering, :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: She put her foot in her mouth after that 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
ME 38 mild endo, removed left tube,2 ectopics DD born 2005 :)
DH Low Morph
IUI Feb 09 BFN
IVF #1 & 2cancelled May 09 & July 09
#3 BFN Sept 09
FET Nov 09 Chem Pregnancy
IVF #4 BFP June 10 Beta # 324, Beta#2 10,078 DS born 3/1/11

wannabeamum
Member
Posts: 70
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 6:09 pm

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by wannabeamum » Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:47 pm

Hi there listen hun dont worry what people think? at the end of the day they dont have a clue what we feel! Im 25 and im going through my first ivf? my family have stuck by me 100% and i am grateful for that. Its always the way when women like us would make great mums and try but unfortunately without any luck, in which we try and seek help. It makes me so angry that you have these women that fall pregnant and choose to not want there babies or they have them and bring there children up so stupidly? Dont stress about how some people react just think about what makes you happy and carry on trying to succeed on you journey to becoming a parent!!! Good luck and lots of baby dust for you xx

Warren Dew
Regular
Posts: 148
Joined: Mon Nov 03, 2008 5:44 am
Location: Somerville, MA, USA

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by Warren Dew » Mon Jul 26, 2010 5:57 am

I never got any negative vibes when we told people we were using IVF, though I'm pretty thick skinned and could have missed them.

nbfun, I suspect your friend was more upset at the "having more than 3 kids" than at the IVF - the IVF is just more unusual and so makes a better target. I think you said the right thing, though.
TTC 2004
2005-2006 - clomid, IUI
mid 2006 - endometriomectomy
Dec 2006 - IVF #1 - negative
Mar 2007 - IVF #2 - chemical
Jun 2007 - IVF #3 - nothing to transfer
Sep 2007 - IVF #4 - healthy baby girl!
Apr 2009 - IVF #5 - healthy baby boy!

CT_Michele
Valued Contributor
Posts: 1744
Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 1:57 am
Location: Connecticut

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by CT_Michele » Mon Jul 26, 2010 4:45 pm

Yeah, people really suck sometimes.

DH and I are very open about our journey. Yes, it was hard to disappoint every one when it didn't work out (twice), and yes we get all the comments about how if we don't get a second child we should be happy because we are super blessed to have gotten our DD. Sometimes I just want to not talk about it to avoid the rudeness, but I just can't. Not only does talking about it help me, but it helps others. There may be someone in the room who is afraid and going through the same thing. They may have thought no one understands, but now they know someone does and it's ok to talk about it. It's like the SELF article, people need to "come out of the closet" regarding infertility or it will be taboo forever.

I am sure my friends get annoyed when I post articles on fb, or talk about my journey. I am sure they are thinking "gosh, if I were in that situation, I would not want the world to know." Well, I don't complain when they post millions of things regarding supporting cancer research, gay marriage, rights for people with special needs, loving your child/sister/brother/whoever, support for (insert anything someone might be passionate about). Support for IVF is no different to me, it is the topic I am most passionate about, SO DEAL WITH IT PEOPLE!

Phew...sorry I ranted. But it really pisses me off. People should think before they speak.
Me- 28 DH- 33 Male Factor
1st IVF- 12/07- BFP! Ella Michele was born 8/26/8
2nd IVF- 04/09 - BFN
1st FET- 09/09 - Chemical
3rd IVF - 04/11 - Embies didn't make it to ET
4th IVF - Fall 2011??
Image

Wondercat
Regular
Posts: 402
Joined: Mon Mar 02, 2009 5:32 pm
Location: Massachusetts

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by Wondercat » Mon Jul 26, 2010 4:47 pm

I think a lot of people are more judgmental right now because of certain IVF babies in the news - "Octomom" and the Gosselins, for example. Those judgmental people are the ones who don't know anything about it, and have been lucky enough to not have their lives touched by infertility. Kind of like my co-worker who told me he wasn't sorry when my dog died because he was a pit bull - even though he had never met a pit bull in his life, he "knew all about them from the news." When I first found out we would need IVF I told a co-worker who responded by telling me how she got pregnant with her first by accident and how her husband was so pissed off when he found out she wouldn't repeat what he said. Wow, thanks Captain Sensitive. On the other side, my friend who had natural identical twins last year really got irritated by the number of people who assumed it was their business to ask/assume it was IVF. She was amazed by the number of perfect strangers who would ask if she "had help." Her standard reply: Yeah, my husband helped quite a bit.

We have been semi-open with our IVF journey. I will tell anybody that IVF is the only way we can get pregnant and have no problem discussing what the process is like and what we have been through so far. But we have only told a select few when we are actually going through a cycle. After all, it's nobody's business when somebody is going to have sex! Just because I talk about IVF with you doesn't mean I want your input on when it is or isn't a good time to have a baby, etc. But overall it is very disarming to these rude people when you are straight up with them and you are giving them no reason to pry, gossip, or assume that you feel any shame or embarrassment.
Me: 33
DH: 35 (CBAVD)

IVF #1 (1): BFN
FET #1 (2): BFN
IVF #2 (2): BFP!! DS born 10/24/09
FET #2 (2): BFN
FET #3 (2): 11/21/12 -- GO TEAM B!! :)

Image

kizmet
Regular
Posts: 248
Joined: Wed Jan 27, 2010 11:04 pm
Location: Australia

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by kizmet » Tue Jul 27, 2010 12:45 am

I think wondercat is right about people assuming things because of what's on the news.

Very few people know we are currently going through IVF treatment, though just about everyone knows that we would have to if we want kids.

A friend I visited on the weekend who thinks we are only planning IVF soon, said "Oh God, you're not planning on having a whole litter like that woman who had eight are you? Geez, you'd be mad to even consider two". OK, thanks for that. No, I'm not planning a litter. She also said "Well there's a fair chance you will have at least two and then what are you going to do, that will spoil your life for sure." This coming from someone whose cousin just had naturally conceived QUADS.

angelaezra
Valued Contributor
Posts: 1180
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 2:18 am
Location: Ohio

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by angelaezra » Wed Jul 28, 2010 12:23 am

Nbfun – Yes, people can be so rude. I was in a doctor’s office about two month ago and I was obviously pregnant and two other ladies in the office were too. We were comparing our pregnancy symptoms and another lady said she had a friend who went through IVF and she got pregnant with twins. She then proceeded to say she couldn’t believe how intense and how many injections go into IVF. Before I could say a word, another woman said I would never do IVF. If I don’t get pregnant then I not meant to have kids. I can’t believe anyone would agree to do such a thing. I immediately said I did IVF and I wouldn’t be pregnant now without it. She immediately shut up and didn’t say a word from there. I thought, what an idiot. You never know what anyone has been through in their life. So people need to think before they speak!

Angela
Image
1 miscarriage 2002 (nat)
1 ectopic pregnancy 2006 (nat)
1st IVF 10/08-BFP twins/misc-6 1/2 wks & stillbirth 21 wks
2nd FET 6/09-BFN
3rd IVF 2010-April-BFP - DD born 12/7/10

Lost Ashley Nicole Thomas at 21 weeks

purpleFish
Regular
Posts: 181
Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 2:13 am
Location: Oregon

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by purpleFish » Wed Jul 28, 2010 2:35 am

I thought I would add my story of how insane people can be.

I was at my husband's sister's wedding and was 5 months pregnant with my twins (from an IUI). I was open about our fertility struggles with our immediate family. Apparently my mother-in-law had told all her relatives that we had done fertility treatments , I think she was just so excited we were finally pregnant and wanted everyone to understand what a miracle it was. I had one of my husband's extended relatives (great aunt-in-law), tell me that I didn't deserve these children and that if God had meant for me to have children I would have and that they were going to be evil devil children (I kid you not). I don't understand why some people have to be so mean and judgmental, if they only knew the pain of not being able to conceive naturally.

Now I already had a set of twins and we wanted to add one more to our family, I only told 3 people all of them close friends and 2 of them thought I was insane for going through IVF for a third baby. What frustrates me is that if I were able to conceive naturally no one would think twice about how many children I wanted to have. I also had joined another ivf cycle group before I found this one, and I wasn't welcomed because I already had children, I thought of all people other ivf'ers would have understood.
Image
Image

nbfun
Member
Posts: 77
Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2010 9:45 pm

Re: shocked at how rude some ppl can be

Post by nbfun » Wed Jul 28, 2010 9:40 am

purpleFish wrote:I thought I would add my story of how insane people can be.

I was at my husband's sister's wedding and was 5 months pregnant with my twins (from an IUI). I was open about our fertility struggles with our immediate family. Apparently my mother-in-law had told all her relatives that we had done fertility treatments , I think she was just so excited we were finally pregnant and wanted everyone to understand what a miracle it was. I had one of my husband's extended relatives (great aunt-in-law), tell me that I didn't deserve these children and that if God had meant for me to have children I would have and that they were going to be evil devil children (I kid you not). I don't understand why some people have to be so mean and judgmental, if they only knew the pain of not being able to conceive naturally.

Now I already had a set of twins and we wanted to add one more to our family, I only told 3 people all of them close friends and 2 of them thought I was insane for going through IVF for a third baby. What frustrates me is that if I were able to conceive naturally no one would think twice about how many children I wanted to have. I also had joined another ivf cycle group before I found this one, and I wasn't welcomed because I already had children, I thought of all people other ivf'ers would have understood.
Oh my. That is terrible!!!!! However a big CONGRATS to you on expecting your second set of twins. How very exciting!!!!

Nancy
Me 39 "normal"
Dh 49 problem with tubes so no sperm "gets out" (basically like a vasectomy)

currently in 1st IVF -- BCP until 10/3, currently on Lupron. Suppression check 10/8. Start stims 10/9.

Post Reply