Thank you so much for everything you wrote. your way of looking at things is by far more mature than the narrow shadowy hole I push myself into.
It's so true what you say about venting to the understanding people, cause though I have wonderful friends, this business is complex and has issues in it other people can't relate to. I so relate to your Xmas story. Whenever we went to these family gatherings my (well basically she's married to my DH's brother, so she's like a step sister in law?) was sitting and tenderly caressing her growing belly, passing round the table u/s pickies. It sounds incredibly picturesque to anybody not suspecting the efforts involved in trying to have just that one first baby..every blood test every RE visit, every day that goes by...surely we'll be happy with this little newly born girl, and in a way I'm happy she's the first grandchild on both sides of her family; she'll have attention galore and by the time I'll be a fresh mom I'll have peace and quiet. It makes me happy to think how ours will be OUR first and just how very special that would feel.
I also understand the change you went from thinking at first this wasn't so bad cause you got lucky and got Ella rather fast..I hope very soon you'll be able to give her a sibling or two.
I now realize that because my Hcg numbers now dropped and AF arrived, I'll have to begin the antagonist cycle within two weeks. And only by the end of February will we have another go of retrieval and et! Plenty of time to vent...I wonder - how do other people experience making their DHs feel better when it's a male factor? I wanna make him feel good and secure, but evil me wanna preserve the right to complain every now and again
! After all, last cycle I swell enormously. If I'm being really bitchy, we girls get all the lousy affects of pregnancy (swelling bellies, hormonal mood swings, changing appetite) yet the belly has no baby! Ingenious. I'll do my best to cheer up, and wish the same to you all.