Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of the love you have shown me and your prayers. I'm a bit at a loss for words. After hearing that the ultrasound showed the gestational sac that was there just yesterday, today was gone and that my Beta had gone from 4236 to 1,721 all I've been able to do is cry, stop crying, an then cry again. My heart is broken into a million pieces. I'm so confused. I feel even numb at times. I feel all this pain and emotion yet feel guilty at the same time for even feeling this way. There are so many on this board who have no children or have lost their children after giving birth to them. And I feel like, who am I to feel the way I do? I'm blessed, aren't I??? But today, right now, at this very moment, I don't feel so blessed. How selfish can I be? I feel so emotionally on the edge and of course my plummeting hormones don't help my situation. How can this happen to us twice in a row. I feel sometimes like God is punishing me or us for something we've done in our lives. I haven't always been true to God, I know I've done wrong in my life, so am I being punished? How terrible a thing for me to say, but I feel like that sometimes. So God, please forgive me now for the way I feel. Is this just the plan that God has for me? Am I not allowed to have a little imput. I just wanted a little precious gift that was a bit me and a bit DH. I have a son and two step children, I know. And I am grateful, I am. But I also desired another child. I feel so lost in a sea of my own bitterness, anger, frustration, and utter sadness. I could just drown in it if I didn't have the family I have which I love so much.
I spoke to my RE already. As always he is so wonderful with me. He talked, I cried. Options, I don't know how much more my heart and soul can endure. DH too. DH had been talking to my belly for weeks. As much as we both did not want to get too close we did. And our hearts have been shattered. RE says he has no idea what has happened. Everything was going as it should and then this, twice now. RE says that most of the time issues like this are due to chromosomal problems. But once again no way to know because there is nothing to send to the lab gor genetic testing. So we are once again left with more questions then answers. RE is considering a D&C for the purposes of doing an endometrial biopsy. With the pain that DH and i have gone through in the past year I don't think we will be ready to try again for a while. I have put everything on hold for IVF. I put advancing my nursing career on hold, exercising, and so many other things. All the focus has been on pills, injections, suppositories, and patches. I don't want a break because I feel like I may never get back in but I can't see myself getting back in now.
I want you all to know that although we have never met I love you all very much. You all have given me more than I could ever think of giving back. I truly appreciate everything that you all have done for me, the love an support you have given me, and the friendships I've made. I promise you I will continueto update the Roll Call for all of you. You all deserve that of me and so much more. Sending you all my love and gratitude.
Last edited by WeHaveHope
on Mon Oct 17, 2011 11:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Mrd 11y TTC 8y
IUI 12/10 BFN
IVF 1/11 OHSS
FET 5/11 BFN
FET 7/11 MC
FET 9/11 MC46 XY
FET 12-30-11 BFP 15dpo=266,17dpo=727,22dpo=7125,25dpo=19076,1-20 u/s 2HB's. Our 2 little miracles born on 8-15-12@35w/3d