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I need to vent to the only people who will understand...

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Re: I need to vent to the only people who will understand...

Postby brit1612 » Tue Feb 14, 2012 2:57 pm

CT- I think we cycled together back when you had Ella. We have both been around here for a long time!! :) Reading your post was like stepping back in time a few years ago when we were going through the same things. We must be married to the same man :). (just kidding) But seriously, we have MF also. Went through four fresh attmepts with two miscarriages and two negatives, before deciding that we could not keep on with the same game plan.

When I and the Dr brought up the fact that donor sperm would be perfect for us (I had no issues), my DH was completely against it. He just could not come to terms with the idea that another "man" would have gotten me pregnant. And he was also grieving the loss of the fact that we would never have a bio child. I know it sounds a little crazy, but these were very real feelings for him and I felt like I had to respect them.

I had no idea what we would do next....try to afford adoption (after thousands spent on IVF), give up, etc????? One day I came across the topic of donor embryos on one of these forums. Until that day I had never even heard of them. (RE never mentioned it either) I went home and brought up the idea to DH (expecting complete rejection) and to my suprise he thought it was a great idea!! WTF???? How are donor embryos ok, but donor sperm is not???? I don't know the answer to that question but for whatever reason it was. I never looked back, within a couple months we had 8 great quality embryos shipped to our clinic, within the year we had our miracle littl boy!!!! He is our child and I would not love a bio child any more than I love him. If anything, he feels extra special, because of the way he was brought into this world. I know donor embryos are not right for everyone, I just thought I would share our experience considering it was sooo similar to what you are going through.

If you decide to consider the option, I know a lot about the process, and would be glad to share with you. By the way, we did not spend anything on our donor embryos (well $100 to sign up with Miracles Waiting - a site where potential donors find recipients), but that was it. Just the cost of an FET. If you use an organization like snowflakes, they consider it "adoption" instead of donation and charge thousands of dollars.

As for the looks, me and my sister look nothing alike (100% bio). As for my little boy, he really doesn't look like either of us, but you would be suprised how many people think he "has my nose, my hubbies eyes, etc". People see what they want to see:). Good luck to you and your husband. I hope I have not said anything wrong, just thought I would share my experience.
After 7 attempts (2 negatives/3 miscarriages), we have TWO miracle boys!! If you would like to hear our story, please visit http://www.ivfsuccessstories.info. Never give up, it can happen for you!!
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Re: I need to vent to the only people who will understand...

Postby Riley baby maybe » Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:56 pm

I think he is simply wanting to 'level the playing field'. I don't take this as him being selfish or childish. He wants to make sure that you share the same emotional bond, etc. I'm sure part of his fear is the unknown...will she love the baby more than I do? How will the baby feel when he is older and we tell him he is Mommy's, but not Daddy's? I can honestly say that I would feel the same way. Maybe a good, long, calm talk would do you some good. Ask him how he is feeling about the situation and what are the main pros/cons that led him to donor embryos. Try to be open to where he is coming from and even if you don't agree, respect his thoughts.

Looks...my baby girl looks like my cousin! LOL!! My bio sister looks 100% different than myself and my brother. I know a hispanic woman that had 3 kids with a white man and they all look white! Then look at baby Ryan...looks just like Katie!! It's a crazy thing, but I can't imagine that you would love a baby any less after you carry it for 9 months, breast feed, etc. I love the study Mora mentioned and agree 100%! If a family is what you want, you may have to compromise along the way to obtain it in a way that you and hubby are ok with.

I wish you the best!
Me - 32 - no issues
DH - 36 - low count
1st IVF - Jan 2010 - BFP! - Gorgeous girl arrived 10/08/10!!
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Re: I need to vent to the only people who will understand...

Postby silntbob » Wed Feb 15, 2012 9:29 pm

I dont post a lot on here, but I saw your post and my heart goes out to you. I would be upset too (I also saw from another post we have gone to the same clinic). The if I can't then you can't mentality isn't fair. I guess men sometimes feel far more threatened about that kind of stuff (another man's sperm fertilizing his wife's egg), but hopefully he'll come around and have a change of heart. I would bet that no matter what route taken he would find that he loves that other child just has much as he loves his biological daughter, and I agree with you if there is the opportunity to have the child share at least one of the partner's DNA then that would be my first choice. Maybe it would help your husband to see stories from other couples who have gone the donor sperm route to help him feel more comfortable?
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Re: I need to vent to the only people who will understand...

Postby jenice » Fri Feb 17, 2012 9:05 pm

Michelle_I say go for having another child. My gut tells me you really want another baby. I know I had a really strong desire like you tried for 3 years. I hope you and your husband can decide donor sperm/ donor embryo, never thought you would be having these conversations, but in the end whatever you decide it would be sooo worth it. My DD loves being a big sister and I felt the same way being an only child does have its advantages but I wanted her to have a sibling so bad. Best advice for ya, Follow your heart and live life with no regrets :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
ME 38 mild endo, removed left tube,2 ectopics DD born 2005 :)
DH Low Morph
IUI Feb 09 BFN
IVF #1 & 2cancelled May 09 & July 09
#3 BFN Sept 09
FET Nov 09 Chem Pregnancy
IVF #4 BFP June 10 Beta # 324, Beta#2 10,078 DS born 3/1/11
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Re: I need to vent to the only people who will understand...

Postby CT_Michele » Sat Feb 18, 2012 12:17 am

Thank you all for your replies! I had to step away for the computer for the week as work beckoned!

I hear and understand what each and everyone of you are saying. I am honestly not sure how I am feeling about it all. I go back and forth about the donor embryos. I keep thinking about how bad I want another, but can't get over the fact that he is ok with embryos but not sperm. And again, not because of the looks issue, that is the least important part of this for me, but more because of the DNA/family history part. I am 100% confident that if the tables were turned, my choice would be a child with 50% of our dna even if it meant we would use another womans eggs with my husbands sperm.

I started looking for a counselor and it is proving tougher than I thought. I am trying to find someone who specifically lists infertility as a specialty and someone who by their bio, I feel comfortable with. Although I have a psychology degree and am a teacher (basically counseling middle schoolers all day), I have kind of avoided counseling myself. It will be weird, but I am willing to do it. The first one I liked and called had no openings and didn't take either of our insurances anyway. The next one I called who is further away from our home was going on vacation the next day and will get back to me next friday. I will continue the hunt, but I just want to start as soon as possible.

Brit - thank you for sharing that story, definitely helps to hear about other people who went through something similar. I might contact you for more info soon. :D
Me- 28 DH- 33 Male Factor
1st IVF- 12/07- BFP! Ella Michele was born 8/26/8
2nd IVF- 04/09 - BFN
1st FET- 09/09 - Chemical
3rd IVF - 04/11 - Embies didn't make it to ET
4th IVF - Fall 2011??
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Re: I need to vent to the only people who will understand...

Postby Happy Bunny » Sat Feb 18, 2012 1:32 am

Have you tried asking your RE if they have someone that they recommend? They might be aware of someone who's got experience with infertility counseling.
Barbara
Me: 38 2X Ectopic; DH: 38 MF
IVF #1 ET 10/11/10 BFP Brooke Marie
IVF #2 ET 11/11/11 BFP Travis James

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Re: I need to vent to the only people who will understand...

Postby brit1612 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 7:02 pm

CT_Michele wrote:Brit - thank you for sharing that story, definitely helps to hear about other people who went through something similar. I might contact you for more info soon. :D


Your welcome. Your story sounds just like ours, and ours has a happy ending! We are transferring two more of our donor embies this wednesday, hoping for a bio sibling for our little boy. Let me know if you decide you want more info.
After 7 attempts (2 negatives/3 miscarriages), we have TWO miracle boys!! If you would like to hear our story, please visit http://www.ivfsuccessstories.info. Never give up, it can happen for you!!
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