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New to Board...Surrogate for Friends? Advice Please!

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New to Board...Surrogate for Friends? Advice Please!

Postby cathleen26 » Sun Mar 13, 2005 5:19 pm

Hello, thanks for taking the time to give me any advice that you may have!

Here's some history.....When I met my husband 7 years ago, he introduced me to some close friends of his, a married couple. This couple has experienced infertility problems, they have been trying to get pregnant for at least the 7 years that I've known them, and from what I understand, it's been even longer than that. I don't know much about their situation or the suspected reasons for their infertility, it's one of those things that is just seldom talked about. I do know that they have experienced multiple miscarriages. Well since metting them many years ago, I have had this lingering thought in the back of my mind that if they ever needed the assistance of a surrogate, I would be more than willing. I never expressed my thoughts to them, only to my husband and my close family.
On to the present......my husband and I have recently completed our family. We have two wonderful little girls and 10 mos. ago added the baby boy to our family that I have always dreamed of. We are confident that our family is complete. My husband and I have revisited the idea of my being a surrogate for a deserving couple. We contacted an agency and I recently received the paperwork to get things started. Then it hit me...I feel in my heart that I need to first approach our friends (the infertile couple) and see if they have considered surrogacy as an option in their lives and see if they'd be interested in my assistance. My problem is how to talk about an issue that is rarely talked about? I have had 3 very easy pregnancy's, conceived on the first try with each one, and deliver babies with incredilbe ease, I have been truly blessed so it's hard for me to understand how to relate. I don't want to hurt them.

So any ideas? How would you approach the subject?

Thanks so much!
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Postby ogr1 » Sun Mar 13, 2005 9:38 pm

i think that you are a very loving and caring person. you and your husband.....

when my sister in-law asked to carry our baby she just asked if we had ever thought about surrogacy and if and when we where ready that she would do this for us.. she said that she wouldnt have any attachment to the baby as her own because she was done having children..

this did catch me off card as we had just mc are son and our last chance of having our baby..
i told her that we hadnt thought about it and i was truly touched by such a gift that she was welling to make...

you and your husband need to make sure that this is something that you both could caring out..
i would say that it would be good to talk with a counsler of surrogacy before you said anything. alot of times they can ask alot of questions that you havent thought of....

but you are truly a wonderful friend..
and you should post on the gen forum :)
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby nicolamark » Wed Mar 16, 2005 9:32 pm

You seem like a very caring friend to have, firstly I think you and ur husband need to talk to your friends to find out the actual issue. Have you thought about Egg donor too? It might be that its an egg thats needed and not a womb? It also might be a problem on the fella's side. You dont know until you ask them.
Are they under a clinic?

Also u and ur hubby need to 101% sure this is ok for you and doesn't affect your 3 lovely kiddies.

Good Luck, let us know what happens!
TTC 9yrs...lots of IUIs all BFN
1st IVF cancelled OHSS
2nd IVF 4 eggs all failed to fertilise
3rd IVF down regging now, EC expected 1st wk of sept.
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Postby D4us » Tue Mar 22, 2005 12:11 pm

Hiya Cathleen..

I hope that you pop back on here and get to read this..

My friend was our surrogate..so we know all about surrogacy first hand..if you fancy a chat, please contact me..

I have also sent you a personal message..hope you get it..

You are an amazing women to offer the gift of life..

Take care
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Postby Leanne » Tue Mar 22, 2005 7:34 pm

What a lovely message!

I agree with all the other advise the girls have said. We are still hoping we can go through ivf ourselves ( we have 3 failed and waiting to do our 4th as an egg sharer) and surrogacy is our next option. I have no idea when we will turn to this but I do know who I would love to do for it us.

As a woman in this position I would be over the moon if my desired choice offered me that option, but I would have to make absolute 300% sure she and her family could cope with it. There would be nothing worse than her offering and then changing her mind. Emotions are hard enough to cope with in this situation.

Hope I can use this link though also to ask J how she asked her friend to do this wonderful thing for her. I have a real worry how to ask, I don't want this lady to feel she would be letting me down if she said no and I don't want her to say yes if she doesn't want to. Any advise you can give me please????

Back to the original thread, you have gone to a lot of effort for your friend already by finding this board and making contact, you are truely wonderful friend and what ever she decides she will know she is lucky to have a friend like you :wink:
p.s I am sure you already know but precious babies on itv/utv/central is on surrogacy tonight, I plan to watch it with a few hankies x
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Postby D4us » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:32 pm

Hiya Leanne..

Well, my friend was the one that offered to help us, we didn't ask..she knew all about my hubby and I, I was born without my womb and other girlie bits, but I had good ovaries, I also adopted a little boy, but wanted more kiddies..our first cycle failed, it was heartbreaking..but we certaining hit the jackpot 2nd time..twins, a boy and a girl, they are now 15 months old and wonderful, the pregnancy was amazing we shared everything together, sickness, scans, feeling babie's move, heartburn you name it, all four of us where there for the birth, it's amazing watching someone else give birth to your babies, not many women get that privalige....she also tried again for us twice last year, but both sadly failed, my friend has now decided to hang up her surro halo, she really is a true angel..

Leanne, if you have any other questions please feel free to ask away..Im not sure that I have advice on asking your friend, other than in making sure she has completed her family first and that if you have the kind of relationship where you can talk about anything, then just bring the subject up and see what happens, who knows..she may just be waiting for you to speak first..

I wish you luck with you future journey to parenthood..
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Postby Leanne » Tue Mar 22, 2005 10:56 pm

Hi ,
Thanks for the reply J x

I watched the surrogacy programme tonight and it was so sad, it really made me wonder if I could actually expect someone else to go through all that for me.

I am extremely close to the person I would like, she is my cousin and we are like sisters, not sure if that makes it easier or harder. I am going to stay there this week, who knows where a few glasses of dutch courage will lead :wink: it might be easier to ask her now while we are still trying ourselves so she can have time to get her head round it and give us time to think of plan z.

I have had a few freinds offer, but I am sure in a half serious way. One of them smokes and I wouldn't personally be happy with that.

anyway, hopefully we will reach our goal without having to bring any more heartache in.

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Postby randa2006 » Sat Mar 26, 2005 8:45 pm

A close friend of mine offered her help one day when I told her that having children could be a challenge for my new hubby and I since I am in my 40s. She sincerely offered to be a surrogate for me if needed and it didn't offend me in the least.

My only hesitation - if it comes to that - would be that we might rather have someone we don't know do it so there is no chance for any odd feelings afterwards. You know, when both families get together. For some, a stranger that you will never see again might be easier.

Since your friends are conceiving, but having mc, a surrogate might be exactly what they need. Just don't be offended if they say no thanks. For some, I think a surrogate they don't know personally might be easier.

I agree with everyone else, it takes a beautiful person to want to help others to that degree! God Bless You!
Me 44, DH 40
ttc 0, went straight to IVF
1st EC = Feb 05, 5 frosties, no transfer attempt
2nd EC = June 05, cancelled
3rd EC = Sept 05, 4 frosties, no transfer attempt
4th EC/ET = Feb 06, 3 transf., BFN
5th EC/ET = May 06
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