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For anyone who has had tmt with donor eggs

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For anyone who has had tmt with donor eggs

Postby Kat » Thu Dec 30, 2004 12:43 pm

Haven't been on the boards for some time, so feeling a bit ouf of touch but have recently been for first appt to talk about tmt with donor eggs after 6 failed ICSI attempts. Have gone on the waiting list but still so many questions. Thought one of my sisters might be able to be the donor but one is too old and the other has not had her own children so they are reluctant to do it. So that leaves a stranger. Does the feeling that any child would not be mine get less with time I wonder? How do I tell my parents? Family traits are so important to them, so & so takes after someone etc etc she's got her mother's nose etc. Stupid I suppose really. Family has always been important to me as well, maybe because I know who I am and where I come from, where I get my mannerisms from etc. The other half of me says I would love any child the same, regardless of where half the genes came from, that it would take after me from being with me, that old nature vs nurture thing.
We were given some literature from the hospital and we can go back for more counselling but it doesn't make up for talking to people who have gone through the same thing. The counsellor said I am still grieving for my own children that I won't have (I think she got that from the fact I cried though most of the appt, DH didn't know what to do with me!) and I need to get this out to come to terms with it. I find it easier to keep it all in & keep busy myself. Stiff upper lip & all that.
Happy New Year.
Kat xx
Me & DH both 41
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
Posts: 665
Joined: Sun May 04, 2003 5:12 pm
Location: Chessington, Surrey, UK

Postby DebraP » Fri Dec 31, 2004 1:19 pm

Hi Kat, good to see you back on the boards again.

Before I start warbling on, I didn't have donor eggs but I thought about your questions and whilst it's easy for me to say, the nine months of pregnancy are sooooo incredibly emotional that the bond is there long, long before the baby is born. Just think how many kids don't look like their parents, nor their siblings. All those parents who laugh and say 'he looks like our postman' etc. I also know people with stepchildren who have been told how alike they are!! My stepbrother and I were only 6m apart and were continually thought of as twins!! Throw into this that many families have different nationalities, colours, adoptions, step + half children now and famiy units aren't this 1-D , homongenous group anymore. My MIL is an adopted child as is my paternal grandmother so the gene pool is hardly uniform before we begin.

I also feel strongly that it's no on else's business. People can cluck and talk about a dark haired couple with a blond kid, that's the way it works sometimes. I really don't think, esp. with the clinic's attempts to match characteristics, that a donor egg baby will look too different at all.

Good luck with your search for info. I know there have been others on the board with donor eggs.

Me: 44, DH: 31
Game Over.
Dates: Aug 02 - May 06
Tries: 5 fresh + 4 frozen.
Results: 1 daughter, 2 m/c, 1 ectopic.
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Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2003 4:40 pm


Postby Leanne » Thu Feb 17, 2005 10:25 pm

We are about to do an egg share cycle so I am in a different position to you. I get the feeling from your post that you may feel you are letting your family down by using a donor, sorry to hear this. I am sure your family would support you more than you realise. There are so many families having to use donors that it isn't uncommon any more.

Anyway, I just wanted to add, I was a nanny for about 10 years and i worked for many families and I can PROMISE you, you can love a child that isn't yours. I spent day in day out with many of the children, some from new born and although you haven't had all the excitment of the pregnancy, you still bond with the child.

It has been embaressing sometimes as I can tell you of MANY occassions, in fact 3 different families, I have had the baby cry for me when the Mother has picked them up. It is not nice for the Mother but it proves the bond is a two way thing. A child will love you, if you love it and to me, loving a child is the most natural thing in the world.

I know I work with Children and that is where my heart is anyway, but I do hope this might help you in some way x Good luck what ever you decide.
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Location: Currently, Northern Ireland

Postby Traci » Fri Feb 18, 2005 8:58 am

I have had 2 x ICSI as a recipient for donor eggs . due to my ever rising FSH levels . the first 2 cycles I had were with my own eggs and the last 2 were with my donors . Now I have had 1 batch from my cousin who was very like me in every way and we told all the family which were very suportive which ended up in a negative and then the 2nd batch was from an unknown donor who we knew nothing about and still told the family and again very suportive. The differences between the 2 were very minimal . I see it as just a seed or a mix for a cake !!! at the end of the day you are the one that has made it . I am sure that the bond will grow deeper while you are carrying the child / Children when I think about my example ie : the cake mix I mean you can have all the ingredients or you can get a packet mix just add the egg!!!! but they still make the cake ! sorry am I making sence ? probably not . I went through all the thoughts of what if it dosent look like me or have the manorisms like me but I am sure that like others say some children dont look like either parents and I bet the manorisms will still come through from you bringing them up . Councilling is good although I am not a big fan I have to be dragged there ! they will go through all your fears with you that is what they are there for .
if you want more help let me know

Trace x
1st cycle own eggs Neg
2nd cycle own eggs Neg
3rd cycle cousins eggs Neg
4th cycle unknown donor eggs Neg
Going to have sisters eggs Feb 06
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Postby princess » Thu Jun 09, 2005 3:44 am

Kat I am carrying donor egg and donor sperm. This is the only way DH and I could go and I don't think of it as someone else's. This baby is ours and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
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