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Are my friends being insensitive or is it just me??

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Are my friends being insensitive or is it just me??

Postby babyforme » Mon Nov 22, 2010 9:04 pm

Hi guys,
I have many good friends/acquaintances but only 2 separate best friends that I 100% confide in. We have been friends for over 20 something years, been through thick and thin with both, they're like sisters. Here's my dilemma..

BFF #1- She's constantly posting things on her Facebook about how happy she is, the day after I informed her of my negative result and how devastated I was, her postings talked about how happy she was, made a reference in one of her postings how she was so happy she was singing and looking forward to an amazing weekend, and other posts where she was gloating and commenting on her kids games and proud to his cheerleader..and about how she loves her sons, basically raving nonstop about her kids, oh..and how could I forget..she posted pics of her baby niece and nephew so everyone could see how cute they were..um..all within days of my ordeal and disaster. :cry: It just hurts to know that while I was under the covers crying and pretty much isolated and traumatized from what i was going through, she (the one person who knew what I was going through) my BF was posting something she knows I would see? is it just me? Am I being overly sensitive because of what I'm going through or is she the insensitive one for not considering her own best friends feeling at time like this?

BFF #2- The first week of my ordeal I let her know the outcome and explained i needed some time to take everything in and needed time to heal, that I would be contacting her soon. She texted me a week later asking how I've been and that she would like to talk to me. I mustered up enough courage to call her and let her know my situation..but didn't get very far. I was at the bank, I was next and asked if I could call her back in few min- which I did, I left her a message - she didn't answer, so i texted her and let her know I had called her back. I did not hear back from her and didn't' bother calling her again. I had spent weeks avoiding calls from my own immediate family and here I was making an effort to call her-I finally did and this happened. Well she responded the next morning and apologized and said.. "she was busy having dinner and then went to visit one of her friends??" I didn't respond, I was hurt..again. Mind you she still did not know the details of my failed IVF cycle- all she knew was that it was negative. A week later she texted me and told me she was thinking of me, I felt bad so I responded "thank you for thinking of me..just taking it one day at a time"..then for the clincher..she says to me "guess what my daughter loves hello kitty (just like you) then says "isn't that cute"..mind you i forgot to mention she has previously sent me a few texts telling me she had me in her thoughts all the while letting me know that she was home baking cupcakes with her daughter..ugh. Seriously? :x My response to her was this: "i keep telling myself i will be blessed with a little princess like you, but reality sets in and i realize that's never going to happen." she says "it will when you don't expect it..and when you try, pray before and after and don't fret about it." My response "I am infertile and the reality is- it may never happen." Then she says " Well i, here for you". then she offers to hang out that weekend so we could talk..I said thank you and I will definitely consider it..I never heard back from her. What do I make of this? Is it just me? Am i overreacting? Are they true friends? Don't know what to do, help..I know all of us can relate and with everything we've been can decipher the best approach.

Much love..
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Re: Are my friends being insensitive or is it just me??

Postby Sunshine1576 » Tue Nov 23, 2010 4:21 am

Babyforme,
Unless they're in our shoes, sometimes it's hard for them to relate to what we are going through. Sometimes they may feel guilty for what we're missing out on, but in reality nobody is to blame. I often too feel left out with some of my friends too, b/c must of them have kids and it's so hard when my dh and I have been married eleven years and everyone around us is having babies.

In all honesty, I regret that I tore my friendship with next-door neighbor apart. She had her baby last June and I haven't yet been over there to give her the precious baby gift I bought last Spring. I just couldn't do it because I know I would breakdown in front of her and none of this is her fault. I know It's just the way things are and we have to react back strong and make the best out of the given situation, but it's a battle sometimes.

I personally feel my other friends who naturally had no problems having kids-- just don't get it! They simply cannot understand what we're going through. I know a good friend is one who tries to listen but unless they are in our shoes they will truly never understand. The truth is, the ones I know (who are going through fertility treatment also), are the ones I have grown closer to. It's simply a life-stage we are going through!

If they are truly good friends they will alway be life-long friends. I'm not suggesting you should let go of their friendships completely with them. After 20 years they do become like sisters to you, and you know it's emotional being around them and frustrating at times when they don't take the time to listen. I'm not saying you should shut them out completely, but try to find a common ground with them. Have a girls night out for pedicures where you could have some bonding time with them. Try to find out more why they are being distant. Do they think it's too emotional to talk about fertilty treatment? For so many others, this topic is taboo, don't have any idea why for certain, it's whether ridiculous but they will not talk about something affects 1 out of 4 women. Maybe they are having a hard time trying to relate to it, who knows. But more than ever, we have found alot of new support right here. It's good to also have a group of friends who can share your experiences with, a group like us who can understand the road you've traveled with dreams to conceive.
Best Wishes!
Christy (Formerly Sunshine1576)
Married 13 yrs
36, unexplained
1 natural pg- m/c at 7 wks
(2010-2012) 4 IUIs, 2 IVFs
FET cycle 2/25/2013
Beta: 95, 390, 1361
3/27 HR 140
4/10 HR 184
4/17 Released from RE
6/21 Found out we are having a BOY!
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Re: Are my friends being insensitive or is it just me??

Postby babyforme » Tue Nov 23, 2010 5:35 am

Hi Christy (sunshine),
You are so right..i just think they don't get it. They haven't been in our shoes and perhaps are having a hard time relating. For me it's been so hard to just reach out and talk to them them about it, I feel when i have talked with them, they don't really know what to say..or avoid me altogether..thus the distance feeling etc. Thank you for the suggestion of a girls night, that sounds like a good distraction and way of reconnecting with them. I thought of letting them know that i have found amazing support from women who have been through my exact experience and see what they're thoughts are..and maybe this may encourage them to see the other side of the spectrum and open our lines of communication a bit more.

I'm sorry to hear about your neighbor friend, I can only imagine. Like you said, because of what we've been through, we have no control over the way we feel, and no one is to blame for the outcome. In the end, all we have is our sanity and only we have them power to do what it takes to protect ourselves or get us through difficult situations. You did what you had to do to get through that particular situation, no one can blame you for doing so..and I'm sure if she knew what has transpired and what you've been through, she would totally understand.

I don't want to lose my old friendships and I'm sure i won't ..but one things certain, i definitely found amazing supportive ladies i can share experiences with here..thank you Christy :)

Blessings!
:D :D :D :D
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Re: Are my friends being insensitive or is it just me??

Postby brit1612 » Tue Nov 23, 2010 4:06 pm

I don't know if your friends are that cold, or they just don't get it. We struggled with infertility for 5 years and have heard everything under the sun. Just adopt, you need to relax... the list goes on. I'm also am a high school teacher and have girls getting pregnant like it's nothing. My experience is that people mean well but just don't understand. If you need to talk, this is a good place to come. :)
After 7 attempts (2 negatives/3 miscarriages), we have TWO miracle boys!! If you would like to hear our story, please visit http://www.ivfsuccessstories.info. Never give up, it can happen for you!!
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Re: Are my friends being insensitive or is it just me??

Postby babyforme » Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:08 am

Thank you Brit612, I'm going to work on brushing it off and I'll at least be able to vent here..so glad I'm not alone in this :)
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Re: Are my friends being insensitive or is it just me??

Postby karenvancouverisland » Fri Nov 26, 2010 4:25 am

well speaking from my own experiences..as i've told many friends about our fertility challenges and treatment.. most of them ARE true friends.. they just DON"T GET IT. and frankly, i would have never got it either, if i hadn't gone through/ still going through it.

sometimes they say stupid things - cause they're being stupid, other times it's cause they are trying their best. i've learned that if i WANT them to understand me better and therefore not say/think dumb stuff, then i need to explain more to them what it is like, and this is a risk, and is hard. but people are usually only as supportive as we allow them to be... if we don't open up to them and explain how we think/feel/ and the reality of our prognosis.... then they are more likely to be unsupportive.

all the best to you during your struggles and hopefully future success with having your family :)
38 yrs. DOR, TTC since '04, recommended DE but didn't listen
3 IVF's & 1 FET: 1 cancellation, 1 m/c @ 12 wks, 1 chemical, 1 miracle boy & miracle 'natural' PG right now while waiting to cycle (WTF?)
feb 21 hb 154
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Re: Are my friends being insensitive or is it just me??

Postby momofblessed3 » Mon Nov 29, 2010 8:33 pm

hi babyforme

its been about 18 years since I've posted to a site about infertility... i am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been in your shoes and completely understand where you are coming from... i know you guys will let me know if i belong here or not... i guess i am looking for myself in places i have been before... i chose to come here because i am going thru some things myself, so i guess familiarly is where i chose to come... my dh died a little over 2 years ago on our 25th anni... feeling depressed and closed off... but i'll save that for another time... i am better but closed to the holidays and my youngest so excited makes me sad at the same time... we were married in 83' and tried for 9 years to get preg with 1 oper (severe endo) so bad that 1 tube was severely damaged beyond repair and the other barely had the blue dye come thru... my doc told me after surg that i had a 30 percent chance of ever having kids... i think i cried for two weeks straight... i went thru the same thing you are going thru now.. my bff as unluck would have it was having the similar issues and could not conceive... we had each other.. but i had nieces and nephews and i loved being around them because it was as close to having kids that i would probably ever get... in december of 92 i got preg.. the only thing i can tell you is that i got a bladder infection and gen doc thought it was in my bloodstream, put in hosp given antioboics thru iv for 3 days... don't know if my immune system was low and also my mom n everyone else her age kept telling me that geritol would hlp... so i started taking them about 3 wks prior to hospital stay... but in Jan of 93 found out i was preg... never thought it would happen to me and that child turned 18 this year... 3 yrs late my second son was born turned 15 this yrs.... 3 yrs later my daughter was born turned 11 this yr...this is not intended to hurt anyone because like i said i went thru not being on bc fr 9 years and no success... but don't give up and don't stop fighting..some people don't truly mean to be insensitive and sometimes i thought they were being a little rude too... before i got preg in 92 i was looking at adoption... my bff has since adopted 2 children and i couldn't be happier for her... my belief is that a child is bilogically yours when you love that child as ur own... had i not it where i would be...so with warm wishes i wish you and everyone to find your happiness and peace of mind this holiday season... i especially wish this for those that are longing for their sweet angel(s) to come. God gave me 4 angels and called one home (dh) and for the first time in 2 years am breathing without a big pain in my chest. God Bless u and keep u
(My prayers for u are reigning down)
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Re: Are my friends being insensitive or is it just me??

Postby Dice20 » Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:30 pm

Bitches. U don't need friends who think u don't matter and they R more important cus they R so clever to conceive. Stay away for ur own mental health
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