How well can I relate to having my life mapped out
. My plan was a good HSC, then degree (so I have something in my own name), then become a teacher, then get married at around 24 and have children by the time I was 30.
DH and I met when I was 18, I did get the degree done, I became a teacher and we did get married when I was 24. Then the magnificent plan fell completely apart. I often think of that line by John Lennon "life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans". And it did.
Among many other things, including me getting out of teaching, we were given DH's diagnosis.
We had actually expected that I would have issues as I had an ovarian cyst removed when I was 15 and my cycles were all over the place anyway. We had not expected DH's diagnosis.
First he went into denial. Then depression. He was prescribed similar pills to the ones you're on. Then there was a lot of wandering in the wilderness until we found a good clinical psychologist in 2000. Occasionally anxiety will rear its ugly head, but he is learning to deal with it. However he is very much committed to having children. The anxiey is (to quote Professor Lupin from Harry Potter) his "furry little problem" (sorry, re-reading it at the moment, and it's a very good comparison).
DH's brother did offer to donate in 2003, but this didn't work out as he and his wife tried to impose rules on us about how we would deal with the situation (particularly to keep the donor secret forever). Eventually he pulled out as he realised he couldn't separate himself from being the father of the potential child. We were glad, as we were about to say 'no' as we were the parents and we wanted the child to know about their biological heritage.
However logical this decision was it put us through a fair amount of heartache and I was rather wary at first of our friend's offer. However the situation is different. Our KDI(known donor - I may as well make up an acronym!!) is a gay man that had no intention of having children. He has been a friend of us both for years (weirdly, if I had stuck to my original path and stayed a teacher I would never have met him, and my life would be very boring!) And it happened so significantly that I think that this is a path that we need to follow, whatever the outcome.
My struggle with seeing other people pregnant comes and goes. On good days I remember the good advice from our counsellor that other people's families are their journey in life, and I have my own journey to follow. On bad days I look with hatred at other women who seem to have everything come easy and fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. End of term is particularly bad when people seem to feel obliged to come in and bring their babies with them.
I also had a bad time dealing with Christmas this year - particularly watching children lining up for Santa. And I went into hysterical crying when my brother asked us to his son's fete - I couldn't deal with the happy families.
Actually my worst times were when I was doing IUI and taking high doses of oestrogen via a needle. I have never cried so much in my life! Not a good look when trying to control teenagers in a classroom, particularly boys. However this became easier once I understood what was happening and explained to others in the staffroom what was going on...
I am very lucky in my marriage, and it has definitely become stronger. I also have been very lucky in the two very close best friends that I have had over this peroid - both of whom have been very wise and understanding. The times I feel lonely are when we go to things such as IVF support groups and we can't really explain why we are waiting around while everyone else is go, go, go. Or when colleagues try to be empathetic but don't really understand (Dumbledore was correct when he said that secrets spread quickly around schools).
As you probably have gathered, I read a lot, and listen to a lot of different styles of music. I have a furry family - a cat, a dog and a bird.
I also sew tapestries, knit and write in a journal. DH and I have a project to watch the Top 100 movies of all time (American Film Institute list). I also watch a lot of movies at the cinema. DH and I travel a lot too - mainly within Australia. We see a lot of my family, and some of his.
Unfortunately the whole fitness thing bypassed me but I do own a treadmill that may get some use in the next 6 months
Meanwhile our garden is absolutely woeful - I love beautiful gardens, but not great at creating them...
To answer your questions on the other post, I am in western Sydney and I use Westmead IVF. The clinic is only 1/2 hour away.
Great to talk to you again.