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Postby DonnaUS-NY » Wed Oct 10, 2007 2:17 pm

Kery,
How did everything go?Today was the day right? I also forgot about the time difference and was not expecting to see your posts. This is the tough part too, waiting. For me everything I feel I am back and forth. I don't know what I am feeling!! According to maineknitter it seems like you have a lot of support in your cycle!! maineknitter, good luck to you too.

Miracle08, Welcome and I am so glad you decided to pursue this. I have a baby born of donor sperm and she is amazing. It such a non-issue right now as far as the donor, but, we did have alot of rough patches and talking to do before hand as far a being united in how to handle this whole thing. But it was the best thing we ever did once we got over the devastation of the azoospermia diagnosis.

Oh boy...waiting waiting waiting....


DH 38 – Azoospermia
Me 36 – Uknown issues (egg quality?)

9/03 DS IVF – Failed
1/04 DS FET – Daughter born 9/04!
3/06 DS IVF – Miscarriage
7/06 DS IVF – Failed
3/07 DS IVF – Failed
5/07 DS IVF – Failed
10/07 FET Donated Embryo 2ww!!
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Postby Miracle08 » Wed Oct 10, 2007 3:52 pm

Hello!!!
Hope everyone is having a great day! :D

Donna-Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel better that my husband wasnt the only one against it at first. Sometimes I worry that when (not if, I am trying to be positive :) ) we have our baby that he might grow to resent me or our baby. Did that ever cross your mind? Does your husband ever bring it up?
My husband doesn't say anything to make me feel that way, I just worry, ya know? I see you are in your waiting period, I am praying for you. I hope you get your BFP and have a healthy pregnancy!!! BABY DUST TO YOU!!!!

Gargy- Thank you so much for your input! Thank you for your support!
When will you be starting your treatment?

Kery- I know I don't have to say this, but you are in no way being selfish for wanting another baby. IF everything goes well for us, I would like to try for another baby down the road. I have some issues. I havent been diagnosed with Polysistic Ovarian Syndrome but before we found out about DH problem they put me on metformin. They said I have Polysistic ovaries???!!! I guess there is a difference. I dont know if you know anything about PCOS but most women do not ovulate when they have
this. Some women dont ever get a AF. But I ovulate, and I get my AF every month. So that is in my favor!! Before I was married, i got PG, although I M/C at least I know I can get PG!!! :D Yeah, we will probaly just do one insemination a couple times. I have read that it is really hard to get DS there? A lot of rules?? I see you are in your waiting period too!!!! I will pray for you as well!!!! LOTS OF STICKY BABY DUST TO YOU!!!! I hope this is your miracle!!! :D :D :D

Take care!!!
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Postby Kery » Thu Oct 11, 2007 8:10 am

Thanks ladies for all your support.
Donna - i had it done yesterday, when are you testing?
Miracle - Thats good it sounds like you won't have to much problem getting that bfp!!

Kery xx
Male factor
April isci - Cancelled
June isci - Failed
Oct iui - BFN
Apri iui - BFP!
DS 1 year
12 yrs
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Postby Miracle08 » Thu Oct 11, 2007 11:30 am

Good Morning/Afternoon everyone!!!

Donna-if you do not mind telling me, are you and your husband going to tell your children? (about DS) Does anyone else know? Family or friends? Right now, only my DH, me and my sister knows what we are planning to do. I think as of right now, we are not telling anyone else. I am so scared that it will get around and you know how people gossip. Is that wrong for me not to tell? Any of your thoughts would be great!!!

Thanks Keri!!! I hope so. I hope you are not going to crazy with your waiting!!! :)
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Postby DonnaUS-NY » Fri Oct 12, 2007 1:56 pm

Hi Miracle08,

Sure, I certainly don't mind telling you. So far our families know and we definitely plan to tell my daughter. I have already dropped it with her and have a book, geared towards young children, that I have read. She is only three and has no concept of course, but the biggest fear I had was the element of surprise for her. I never want her to be able to define a day as "The day she found out" I am hoping if she grows up with the words, we can always bring home the concept as she grows up.

My husband and I, although are now on common ground, actually came from two places and had difficult talks and some big arguements too. Here's the gist: He thought his parents "had a right to know" while he was not sure he wanted to share it with our daughter. I was total opposite, I felt our daughter, and only her, has the actual "right" to know and others we owed nothing (unless we or she wanted to).

Unfortunately, he spilled the beans to his parents (we were in the middle of huge, unrelated, turmoil with my MIL which is how it came about.) So that's how our family found out. So he got his way but I won the battle of ensuring Jessica (our daughter) grows up knowing. He has since admited his apprehension about telling Jessica was fear on his part (of being rejected down the line - namely as a teenager!).

Honestly, It has never been an issue except in the begining. I think he was afraid my family was going to be more "entitled" to Jessica then his. But at this time we were having such big issues with my MIL creating problems, which had nothing to do with the donor.

As far as others, nobody else knows except one friend at work that I trust and she is fairly removed from the whole thing (someone I have gone through treatments with.) Other than that we do not talk about it as a family (only my Mom and I). I have mentioned it to my daughter in front of him and felt my husband's tension, something he admits he has to get over. Honestly, I would love to talk about it openly to ensure it never comes across like there is something wrong with it but he grew up ignoring things, as if they didn't exist, so we are from two different "coping"worlds. Hopefully to find a middle ground.

So as you can see we still have a lot of work to do. But we are getting there. I really wish I could find a professional that can help us with this , but don't know where to find them.

But what it comes down to is we love our daughter no more that she shares my genetics and no less that she doesn't share his. He and our family also feel the same way!! So we are actually really blessed.

Sorry to give you my life story! The only thing I can recommend is that you can always tell someone but you cannot take it back once you do. So take your time on your decision and its completley up to you both who know and who doesn't!
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Postby Miracle08 » Fri Oct 12, 2007 6:07 pm

Hi Donna,

Thank you so much for sharing your story & experience. My husband does not want to tell our future child. I really do not know how I feel about it. Sometimes I think he is right and other times I question it. I think my DH has the same fear as yours, rejection! Also, we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and I do not want our child teased, they are not very "open minded" about this sort of thing. I do not want to be stared at, condemed or gossiped about. I know this sound selfish of me, but is isnt just about me. But on the other hand I feel like the child should know, and we shouldnt try to hid it because then it looks like me and DH are ashamed. And we are NOT. His family is very different then mine as well. I do not think they would accept it. My family would. Both families know we have infertility problems. My family are very supportive and aware of our feelings. His family doesnt ask how we are, they act like everything is fine. They bring up at holidays about when his brother and his wife will have children. This hurts me & DH to no end. :cry: It totally ruins our holiday. With my personality I would like to express my feelings towards them!! LOL My DH on the other hand does not want to cause problems. I KNOW if we told his parents, they would so favor his brothers children. Why are the DH family always such pain in the butts??? :) I have also mentioned to my DH going to counseling. But like you, I do not know how to find them.

I totally agree with you, no one but your daughter has "the right to know!!"

Did you and DH pick out the donor? Did you look at the pictures?

Sorry about all the questions. This is so knew to us. It is nice to talk to someone who has been through what we are about to go through. :)
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Postby squeezan » Fri Oct 12, 2007 6:09 pm

Hello! I haven't posted on this thread before but have been keeping an eye on you all. I just have to say, Donna, that I have tears in my eyes from reading your last post. I totally agree with your view on telling your daughter. I'm using donor sperm as I'm single and, therefore, they insisted I saw the councellor before I could start treatment. One of the main issues we discussed was whether/when/how to tell the child and I said I wanted it to be something they grow up always knowing so it never comes as a surprise. I guess that may be easier for me as the child would naturally ask about their Dad as they grow up which a child who has a Daddy wouldn't.

I just had my 5th iui yesterday so may be on here a lot in the next 2 weeks trying to keep busy.

Good luck to everyone
Su x
38,single.ttc with iuid
3 cycles 100mg clomid-BFN
2 cycles menopur-BFN
Nov 07 menopur-BFP!!
Ist scan 13/12 - 1 perfect heartbeat
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Postby DonnaUS-NY » Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:21 pm

Hi Su,

So glad to hear from you, I see you entered the 2ww too? I may be on here alot with you as I am trying to keep myself busy as well! May I ask how did you feel about counseling? Did it clarify anything for you? Did they lean one way or another in terms of disclosing or not and or when and how? I feel like the child's readiness needs to be taken into account, from a physchological standpoint, but unfortunately I really do not know when that is. I should do some more research. I see you've done multiple IUIs I hope this is the last one for you :wink:

Miracle08,
It's an interesting process to go through isn't it? I have not told any of our friends, honestly, because I did not want it to get spread and come back to my daughter later through other kids nor did I want it to be food for gossip either. So I am with you on that. We are thinking we will leave it up to her as with whom to share it with when she gets older.

Honestly, I would have preferred to have left it between my DH, My daughter and I, but we made two mistakes while sharing info with our family: we shared what the issue was re: infertility (azoospermia) and what our only option was (DI) so they had suspicions anyway and the other my husband opening his mouth. But now that it's out to them its not a bad thing either, thankfully. I do not think you are selfish at all wanting to keep it between you, it's smart. You may always change your mind later, but you can't take it back.

Personally, the reason why I leaned so heavily on disclosing it to our daughter is the "trust" factor. If it ever came out later and we never told her how she was conceived I think the loss of trust would be more devastating then the risk of rejection at some point. In all my reading the biggest issue of the donor child was, not that they were a donor baby, but, they were not told the truth. The difference between my husband and I was I did more reading on this then he did, so he was giving his opinion based on his own fears not realizing there could be more at stake. Its a very delicate situation and only you know what's right for you!!

Yes we did pick out the donor together. We used a Cryobank out of California where we saw baby pictures of the donor, had a personality profile, voice recorded interview and a background profile. It's a weird but exciting thing to do! That's the only way I can explain it.

Kery,
How are you doing???? To answer your question my test is next Thursday. When's your's? I am stressing a bit because my estrogen counts are lower than expected so I don't know if that is an indication of anything. I do not feel any symptoms. I do have lower back pain but I read that can be due to progesterone which I am doing shots of currently.
I am all over the place.

Gargy,
How are you???
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Postby squeezan » Fri Oct 12, 2007 9:11 pm

Hi Donna
I must admit I was pretty nervous about the councelling. It's a requirement before treatment if you're single so they can ensure its in the best interests of the child so I kind of felt like I was sitting a test. However, it was good to discuus these issues with someone I didn't know and where I could be 100% sure it was confidential. Everything he asked about I had already thought about and was able to answer truthfully. As for telling the child - he didn't really offer a point of view but I think he agreed it was better for them to know sooner rather than later. For me, not telling the truth when they ask would just start a web of lies and as you said, the loss of trust if they found out in later life would be far worse. As for when and how to tell, I think you just have to go with your instincts. You know your child and are the best judge of what they can understand and deal with.

miracle08 - I would agree with Donna that you can't go back once you've told someone. I think you need to be clear about whether or not you'll tell the child before you tell anyone else as you wouldn't want them to find out by accident
Have you asked about councelling at the clinic? Mine has one who visits once a month and anyone can request an appointment with him if they want.

I find it so weird the differences in selecting the donor. We don't get much choice at all here - no photos or anything. I was just given a choice of 2 with similar characteristics to me. I only got told eye colour, hair colour, height and occupation. Maybe that's easier - it took me no time at all to decide.
38,single.ttc with iuid
3 cycles 100mg clomid-BFN
2 cycles menopur-BFN
Nov 07 menopur-BFP!!
Ist scan 13/12 - 1 perfect heartbeat
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Postby DonnaUS-NY » Mon Oct 15, 2007 12:53 pm

Hi all...Just had to post I am down in the dumps today. I am 10 days post fet and I took a HPT; unfortunately it was negative. I know it's always advised against to do a HPT because the only definitive results is the blood work (which my Dr does at 14 days post transfer). However, I took a HPT at 9 days Post when I was pregnant with my daughter and then pregnant with the miscarraige and it was right on. Same with all the negatives in between. I know the final say is the blood work I will get on Thursday but its not looking good. I am very sad and think we may have to call it quits. Not much else we can do at this point, particularily with no insurance. Just had to get it out.....I don't want to give up, but guess we will have to. :cry:


DH 38 – Azoospermia
Me 36 – Uknown issue now

9/03 DS IVF – Failed
1/04 DS FET – Daughter born 9/04!
3/06 DS IVF – Miscarriage
7/06 DS IVF – Failed
3/07 DS IVF – Failed
5/07 DS IVF – Failed
10/07 FET Donated Embryo 2ww!!
DonnaUS-NY
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Postby squeezan » Mon Oct 15, 2007 2:48 pm

Donna, don't give up hope, it's early yet. It's hard I know.
Feeling down the dumps myself today too. Been really crampy since iui and feeling quite nauseous again today. Came home from work early as I just didn't feel right and couldn't be bothered. Determined to put myself first this time and take it easy. If that doesn't work then not sure what the answer is.
38,single.ttc with iuid
3 cycles 100mg clomid-BFN
2 cycles menopur-BFN
Nov 07 menopur-BFP!!
Ist scan 13/12 - 1 perfect heartbeat
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Postby Kery » Mon Oct 15, 2007 11:43 pm

Oh Donna
I am so sorry for you but do wait for your bloods. I do know what you mean about the money, I'm not sure how many times we can keep doing this either. We are both one of the lucky ones that do have a child but I do know how much the longing for another child is.
Sending big hugs to you!!!

Kery xx
Male factor
April isci - Cancelled
June isci - Failed
Oct iui - BFN
Apri iui - BFP!
DS 1 year
12 yrs
Kery
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Postby TansRN » Tue Oct 16, 2007 12:07 am

Hey guys....

I have updated my blog with the latest doc appt. www.thejourneyforbaby.blogspot.com if you want to read about it. Looks like my c-section will be after christmas....I am excited to have it narrowed down to at least a small time frame! I have yet another photo of Sophie sucking her thumb. She really digs it! Just about all of my u/s have her sucking it....so cute. You guys have been busy!!!

Gargy
Your trip to your MIL sounds enlightening. That is good. I am glad that things went well for you on that journey. That can be hard sometimes.

Donna
Wow you are already in the wait eh? Congrats! Yeah! Arent you just so excited? This is so wonderful for you. I am thrilled for you and I send you a ton of baby dust!!!! I am so sorry that you got a BFN on your HPT. That is so devastating. I hate seeing nothing on that stupid stick!!! I hope that your blood work comes back different!!!!

Miracle
My DH and I had to do a lot of talking before using donor sperm as well. Now I could really care less about it but I still ask him will you love our babies like they are your own? Will you ever just be like those are YOUR kids? And today we were talking about our daughter being a daddys girl and he was all about it. He was like yeah she is going to be all over me! He was being silly but I knew he was excited about that relationship deep down. He said it will be different when they get here and he can hold them and kiss them and stuff. It is a hard decision. I think that it is harder for the guys because they feel "less of a man" when we want donor. Also on the topic of telling people. DH and I have decided not to tell anyone. We can always change our minds later. Only him and myself knows and people are starting to say "I wonder if the babies will have dark hair like his or blonde like yours" We just give each other a little look and grin. We talked about it and he knows he will have to put up with people saying oh he has your... oh she has your... I let him pick "himself" out of the donor catalog. Very important to us was the same blood type then he matched hair color personality etc. A lot of people have differing opinions on to tell or not to tell and we have just decided that for now we are not going to say anything and take it day by day. Just as a funny sidenote when the embryo transfer was done and the doc left the room and it was just the two of us my DH said Well was it good for you? He is sooo funny. We both had a great laugh!!!

Su
How are you enjoying the 2WW? I hated every minute of it! In todays day and age of science we still have to wait! UGGHH! I hope that it has started off fast for you! Sending you a ton of baby dust!

Kery
How have you been lady? Hoping that you are doing well.


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Tanya

IVF #1- 6/2006-DH had vasectomy
VERY SADLY ended in m/c of a beautiful baby girl at 12 weeks on Aug. 28, 2006.

FET 1/2007 -ive
#2 IVF/ICSI-4/2007 BFP!!! 1st beta 708!!!!
Sophie and Riley Arrived Dec. 10th 2008!!!
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Postby Kery » Tue Oct 16, 2007 9:23 am

Hey Tanya
Gee after xmas what a great xmas present!!!! The end of the year will be here before you know it.

As for me just hanging here waiting for the big test!! I'm one week down.
I have a blood test tomorrow but I'm not sure what it's for I guess hormone levels.

Kery xx
Male factor
April isci - Cancelled
June isci - Failed
Oct iui - BFN
Apri iui - BFP!
DS 1 year
12 yrs
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Postby Gargy » Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:26 am

Hey everyone,

I'm still here but surrounded by boxes. I'll jump in when I can but I think that it's going to be a long haul between now and when we move out (we need to find a house first).

Miracle08

To answer your question, I was going to start cycling again late Nov, early Dec. However due to the move, I'm thinking now it may be January. This move has really skittled all my plans.

Donna,

Glad I'm not the only one with in-law problems. Then again the MIL one seems to have eased a little bit. I was going to tackle the BIL/SIL one in November, but again, not sure if that will happen (we were to go to my nephew's fete).

Norty, norty on doing the HPT! Don't give up - it may be a false result. I still have everything crossed for you.

Squeezan/Su,

Lots of babydust to you. I think that you are very brave doing this on your own - but believe me I understand why you are doing it. Sometimes it just feels right to have a child, regardless of the timing to other areas of your life.

I can relate to your story about counselling. My clinic really pushed for all three of us (my DH, me, and my SD) to go through counselling. Actually I found this just as stressful as having the IUI procedures done. I understand why they want to do it, and they've given us some interesting points to consider, but overall it hasn't been terribly helpful. Some of the things that were said to my SD were extremely unhelpful. AND we have to go through it again in November (after the sperm comes out of quarantine).

I can also relate to the theory of web of lies. I got really proactive after hearing about this and told all of our family and a lot of friends. I don't know whether I would do this now, but I've found that there are only particular friends that are interested anyway. The rest just get on with their own lives.

The biggest thing I have learned through this is that generally you (and DH obviously) are on your own. Very few people understand what you (either indiviudally or as a couple) are going through. Most can relate to IUI/IVF, but once a donor is added in, most get confused, or back away. I've noticed this when we have specifically switched to a known donor.

I suppose most people have their own 'stuff', and the process for me has been longer than most.

Kery,

Firstly - good luck with the test!

Secondly, I also worry a lot about the money - particularly as our rent is about to jump as we move into a new place. I got really annoyed with a person at work who made the assumption that we have a mortgage just because DH and I have been together for a (long) while.

I am so frustrated because I would love to have a home of my own, I would love to pursue my career, but if I push back having a child any further it will never happen. And that thought breaks my heart. So we spend money on a huge gamble, hoping it will work.

I suppose if we had of been 'sensible' we would have tried long before now, but the timing was never right until now. And I'll drive myself nuts if I keep going back in the past and second guessing myself.


Tanya,

I really hope my DH feels the same as yours does about our child. Actually I'm fairly confident now that he will - he is more comfortable with this than I am!

Actually, I'm having this dark thought in the corner of my mind that maybe the universe is saying 'no, you're not supposed to have children'. But I hate that thought and push it away. Then positive me thinks 'maybe I am not supposed to have children in this house - new house, new baby!' And these thoughts swing back and forth as I look at all my stuff in boxes and realise we have been here for 9 1/2 years.

Wow, that was a huge post for someone that was just going to duck in and out!

I'll come back in when I can - sorry if the post is a little dark emotionally, I'm a little affected by seeing how much more I have to do.

Good luck to everyone...
me 40 DH 44
Fertility issues since 2000
PCOS (using Metformin), Male factor
TTC with assistance since 2005
2 IUIs Feb & Jun 2006 with unknown donor BFN
IUI Feb 2008 & IVF Oct 2008 known donor.BFN
IVF Oct 2009 known donor BFP
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