Sensitive issue with DH

[Michellyn8]

Hi there,

My DH has an extremely low count (around 500K) and now they are doing a Chromosome Analysis to see if there is a problem w/ the DNA. (We have 2 failed IVF's) If there is then the ER told me nothing can be done.
I had mentioned doing donor insemination...only because he is concerned about the cost. DH got very upset and then at the DR yesterday ( I went alone) the DR suggested we do donor as well since he feels I am a good candidate for IUI since my PCOS is mild and I do ovulate.

Did anyone have a DH that changed his mind about using a donor. I don't want to bring it up again and hurt his feelings. Mentally after going through all of this, the thought of then having to go through an equally gruelling process of adoption. It just seems overwhelming especially since we could have this possibility. Sorry maybe I sound selfish. I love my DH and I know he feels bad...and I don't want to make him feel worse. He told me not to bring it up again.

Can anyone share their experience? Thank you.

Michelle

[Gargy]

Hi Michelle,

A number of us on this site have husbands with azoospermia, and have done the tests to find out that there is no sperm in the testes either. This meant that the choice was either donor sperm or adoption.

When my DH found out his diagnosis at 35 years of age, he decided in his head that this was it, we would never have children either through donation or adoption.

I tried living with this decision to support him, but I was ignoring what I felt, which was at least to try having a child via donor sperm. So with the help of a brilliant psychologist, DH realised that it was very important to both of us to have children, and that genetics has nothing to do with being a father.

At times I will admit that it was like turning around the Titanic. But he did eventually feel comfortable with this decision, and is now very happy to have a child through a donor.

We have tried IUI twice with an unknown donor in 2006. We are currently waiting for our known donor to go through the final processes of having his sperm cleared.

It's a long and difficult path, but it does make your relationship much stronger.

Good luck, whatever your decision.

[Polly12]

Michelle,
My marriage too had the titanic issue. Hubby said " you can find someone else to have children with" when i mentioned a donor. I nearly died. It broke my heart. We have just had our first DIUI and hubby is so excited. He changed his mind with some gentle talking and support from a loving family (his parents and mine) - you need to give it time. I had to wait months for hubby to come round to the idea. My hubby has not one single sperm, so we had no choice, same as Gargy.

In your shoes everyone (myself included) gives you well meaning advice, eg, don't give up on the idea, give it time etc............... you do what is best for you and your marriage. Time is hard, waiting is hard, but it was time that my DH needed and im so glad my fertility clinic gave me the advice to wait. Thinking of you, ive been in your shoes. (only a matter of months ago).

[Michellyn8]

Thank you Gargy & Polly,

I am going to do a Laporoscopy just to additionally rule out anything else. We get one more IVF on my insurance and hopefully he will come around if that is unsuccessful. I did bring it up the other day and asked him what bothered him about DI. He said he thought I would always wonder who the donor was and that I might try to find him...which I wouldn't do. But I listened to what he had to say. So maybe time will change things.

Please keep me posted on your progress. I have my fingers crossed for both of you.

Take care,

Michelle

[zelda]

We're going through this now...after finding no sperm from TESE...I just posted about it... DH is being SO considerate and is totally willing to go forward with donor sperm - but he's an angel and I'm worried that he's doing it for me but that his heart isn't in it and that later he might not feel as close to the baby and that could negatively impact the child and our relationship. I'm very worried about this...

[lillylilly]

I had exactly the same experience .. after a biopsy revealed not one sperm our only choice was a donor ... Dh was very very against it but we have had a year to reflect and come to terms with the news and I am now due to go for my first IUI tomorrow with the blessing of my Dh
am so nervous and excited at the same time .. its comforting to know others are also going through this difficult process
lilly

[Kery]

Hi
I have pm you a message.

[Kuny]

Good luck tomorrow. have my Ivf next week.

Kuny

[Warren Dew]

I'm kind of wondering why they're only now figuring out there's an issue if you've already been through two IVFs.

I do think there's a big difference between a low count and no sperm at all. The thought in the back of us guys' minds when we see "low" counts like 500,000 is always, "it only takes one". With ICSI, it's even true that it only takes one, as long as the embryologist picks out the right one.

Picture the opposite situation. You're a "low responder" and have only had a couple or three eggs retrieved, and maybe only one or two embryos available for transfer. Your husband says, "look, let's just hire a surrogate and do IUI with her with my sperm instead of IVF. I've got the perfect girl for it." How would you feel, watching some other woman get pregnant with the baby that should have been yours, and then you get to start changing diapers for this other woman's baby? That's how your husband probably feels about donor sperm.

I'd say, first wait for the results of the analysis. If all of his sperm are completely abnormal, that may change things for him. Note, though, that it's normal for a large fraction of the sperm to have chromosomal defects, so if only three quarters are bad or something, that won't be convincing.

If there's any chance at all, wait for that last IVF cycle as well.

The other thing that might help is if your husband has a brother he's close to, or someone else that's like a brother, whom he might be willing to select as the donor.