To tell or not to tell?

Discussion forum for those particularly interested in insemination using partners sperm, or donor insemination.
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To tell or not to tell?

Post by mkdig » Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:44 am

I was just wondering what some of your thoughts are about who you are telling/not telling if you are using donor sperm. I am in the process of researching the topic and am very undecided about whom I should tell (including future baby/babies).For now my husband and I are not telling anyone. Any thoughts?


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Post by Kery » Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:49 am


We have done two cycles of isci but as they failed we are using a sperm donor. Yea that's a hard question I guess everyone if different. I guess it depends on what works for your family. We decided to tell our parents but that is it. We are going to tell the child, when he/she are older enough to understand. I think it is only fair that the child knows. That is only our feelings on it but everyone is different.

All the best.

Male factor
April isci - Cancelled
June isci - Failed
Oct iui - BFN
Apri iui - BFP!
DS 1 year
12 yrs

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Post by Lis » Mon Sep 03, 2007 7:02 pm

Hi mkdig

We decided to tell family members ie parents and brothers/sisters and close friends. Sometimes I wish I didn't tell as many close friends as we did but at the time it was really difficult - we have many close friends who we see often and we were so devastated I knew I wouldn't be able to hide that something awful had happened to us- and you can only keep that up for so long. And as we all know this journey is a very long trip! I have had lots of support from good friends tho and if I hadn't told them I probably would have had to distance myself from them as I was so upset and messed up for ages.

However be aware that when you tell friends, they may not always keep your secret, a secret. One of my very good friends (who was preg at the time) told her friend, who I knew reasonably well, all about us. We were furious to say the least - it felt like a total betrayal of our trust. When I tiold her the implications of what she had done she was very sorry, but our friendship hasn't totally recovered.

As for telling your child, dh and I are going to because if it ever came out from say a relative, they wouild never forgive you. Also from a family history point of view, you just don't know when you may get asked about health related family problems by medical professionals etc so nest all round I thinkto be upfront. Altho I have to say, dh and I are nt looking forward to thse conversations!

Good luck!
Me 32 DH 34 - severe male factor
5 failed donor inseminations July- Nov '06
6th DI Jan '07 ...... finally ..... OMG BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Post by squeezan » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:23 pm

Hi mkdig
My issues are a bit different from the rest of you as I am single. The question is not whether to tell I'm using donor sperm but whether to tell I'm ttc! I've told my family and a few close friends and I couldn't do it without their support. I've been very careful about only telling friends who I think won't dissaprove as I'm not sure how I'd cope with negative comments. I plan to be open about it if/when I become pregnant and also intend to tell the child as and when they start to ask questions.
I think you've just got to do whatever feels right and I hope you are happy with whatever you decide.
38,single.ttc with iuid
3 cycles 100mg clomid-BFN
2 cycles menopur-BFN
Nov 07 menopur-BFP!!
Ist scan 13/12 - 1 perfect heartbeat

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Post by mkdig » Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:59 pm

I guess im doing the right thing for now, because im not sure how i feel about people knowing, i havent told anyone, i figure i can always tell them later but i cant untell anyone. make any sense? im reading a good book about it. its called "helping the stork:the choices and challenges of donor insemination" by carol vercollone. it does a good job of presenting lots of different situations. i was also thinking of getting the ken daniels book seems like a lot of people on here have found it helpful.
thanks for your replies.

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Post by TansRN » Tue Sep 04, 2007 8:08 pm

I am pregnant with twins that were conceived with IVF and donor sperm. We have decided not to tell anyone. It may change later in life for the children but for now we have decided to keep that to ourselves. My family is not real open to this type of thing and for now we just dont feel the need to tell anyone. We can always tell later but for now this is how we feel. Everyone has differnent thoughts and values but this is working out...we will see when they are born what they look like!!! LOL


IVF #1- 6/2006-DH had vasectomy
VERY SADLY ended in m/c of a beautiful baby girl at 12 weeks on Aug. 28, 2006.

FET 1/2007 -ive
#2 IVF/ICSI-4/2007 BFP!!! 1st beta 708!!!!
Sophie and Riley Arrived Dec. 10th 2008!!!

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