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Men/couples -- feelings about using donor sperm?

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Men/couples -- feelings about using donor sperm?

Postby zelda » Wed Dec 19, 2007 9:25 pm

Did you have any trouble feeling that the child was both of yours?

I'm worried that it will secretly bother my DH on a deep level if we use donor sperm -- that he won't bond as well with the child -- or that there will be an imbalance in the family?

We're both sad after having our IVF canceled (after ALL the shots etc.) due to a very invasive TESE procedure that didn't retrive usable sperm -- and I know that my husband is privately being very, very, hard on himself. He wants to go through with the donor sperm but I'm scared that he's doing it just for me.

Did any other couples face this worry, did it go away once the adorale baby was born? Are there men out there facing this issue that are willing to share thoughts?
zelda
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Postby mkdig » Wed Dec 19, 2007 11:38 pm

My dh and I have talked about this soooo many times it isnt even funny! We are about to do our fourth iui with donor sperm and I have had a lot of the same worries you are having. How my dh will feel about the child and the bonding between the two and soo many other things.
One thing that really made me feel better was when my husband asked how I would feel if we were using donor eggs. I thought about it a lot and I know I wouldnt care if the eggs weren't mine. He asked because he knew that would be my response but he wanted me to understand how little the issue of the sperm coming from a donor matters to him. We want to be parents and I know there will be special circumstances when the donor issue comes up but I know as soon as we get our baby it wont matter anymore. So he has FINALLY convinced me that he is totally cool with the donor thing. I say make your dh talk to you about it sooo much you cant doubt how he will feel. It will help.
Also, i read a great book "Helping the Stork;The Choices and Challenges of Donor Insemination" by Carol Vercollone. I found it on amazon and it made me think of a lot of donor issues I wouldnt have on my own. I hope this helps!
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Postby Miracle08 » Thu Dec 20, 2007 5:50 pm

HI!
My husband and I went through the same thing one year ago this month. Let me tell you, it was a very hard decision for us. At first my husband was like NO WAY, then he came around, and then I felt like I would be betraying my DH if we used a donor. After many conversations and doing research we are finally ready. We are going to start trying after the first of the year. I still have some concerns, but I think that is normal. I really believe that once the baby comes (hopefully) all of our concerns will fade. We really want a baby and that is what it really comes down too. The book that Mkdig recommended is very good. I also recommend the book:
"Building a family with Donor Insemination." These books let you know you are far from the only one going through this. It helps answer a lot of questions and helps your fears! I hope this helps you. Take care.

Miracle08
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Thank you!

Postby zelda » Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:28 pm

Thank you for posting your thoughts and also for the book suggestions. It helps to know that others are going through the same things. I'm going to order the books now.

best of luck!!
zelda
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