IVF-Infertility.com home

Ive lost my baby :(

Announcement of pregnancy and birth following assisted reproductive treatment.

Postby sonu911 » Fri Jan 02, 2009 1:08 am

Dear Becky

I am so sorry. No words will help you to ease your pain. I have also gone through it and I know how personal it is.

Pl. try to stay strong and supportive to each other. You have a wonderful DH and you share a special bonding with him. I hope it grows with each day.

Wish I could do something to ease your pain.

MASSIVE HUGS...
Me,DH-35
3 ICSIs-BFN
FET-BFP/mc@7wks
4#ICSI-BFP
Anay came on 17th FEB, 2009
Image
http://s251.photobucket.com/albums/gg299/archie109/?action=view&current=DSC05346.jpg
sonu911
Regular
 
Posts: 526
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2007 7:04 pm

Sponsor
 

Postby garfieldtracy » Fri Jan 02, 2009 1:36 am

Welshgirl,
I understand you pain. We lost ours at week 36. Like you I felt "tricked" - to be so happy and then to have that happiness destroyed. There are no words to make things better. The only ray of hope I have is that there have been people that stopped IVF and got PG naturally - check out Rhonda's story in the General Forum (over 40 crowd). I think those success stories are just as important as all the other BFP's.

Good luck,
Tracy
Me:44,DH:45
ttc>4 yrs
4 Clomids:all BFN
2 IUI's:both BFN
1 IUI:BFP-chemical
1 IVF:Mar08 BFP-sadly lost week 36
2 IVF:Mar09 BFN
3 IVF:May09 BFP-sadly m/c week 9
4 IVF:Nov09-cancelled, no fertilization
5 IVF:IUI: Jan10 BFN
6 IVF:Mar10 BFN
7 IVF:JUL10 BFN
garfieldtracy
Regular
 
Posts: 139
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:33 pm

Postby Dri-Jim » Fri Jan 02, 2009 4:35 am

God Bless you and your husband, Welshgirl. I am so sad to read your story. All I can tell you is that in my own experience, God allows us to have things in a time of His choosing. He knows what is best for us and He WILL provide you with a path to happiness.

I wish I could give you a big hug, and I will say a prayer for you guys.

Jim
Dri-Jim
Regular
 
Posts: 178
Joined: Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:13 am

Postby Welshgirl38 » Fri Jan 02, 2009 2:54 pm

Hey Dear Friends

Happy New Year to everyone, i hope 2009 is kind to you all xxxx

Its been shite for us so far ... had a reasonable evening in with just DH, had a chinese, watched a movie - went to be at 11.15 an watched Big Ben chime in at 12 - i broke my heart as everyone cheered and started singing ... cos it was meant to be our year .. we were meant to be celebrating, cooing over scan pics and looking fwd to having our baby.

Instead we switched off the tv and held each other an cried an cried ... neighbours were out setting off fireworks ... i was so jealous of them celebrating while DH an i lay there wondering about the 'what if's'

Following bit is not too nice ladies, dont read if u feel u cant .... i understand, but i have to vent it off my chest ...

Yesterday morning i woke to a mega AF ... bright red blood and more clots that u can imagine. Its all over now .... the baby has come away, An for those who tell u that u cant see nothing - i think they are trying to be nice - cos you can, and i could. The sac came out whole in amongst the clots, but i could see it plain ... so i took it out and wrapped it in a tissue - i couldnt bear to flush it down the toilet. I couldnt belive u could see so much ... a tiny tiny what looked like a curled up grain of rice was inside - my baby - my ever loved so much baby - but it was tiny - it hadnt formed or grown as it shoudl have - but i still couldnt flush it away. I put it on my bedside cabinet wapped up in tissue and fell to pieces in DH's arms downstairs .... ive never seen anything like that in my whole life, i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy ....

We have decided not to flush it down the toliet - and i know some of u may find this really sick - but we are going to plant it in the garden with a plant that will bloom every year around the time it would have been due (August) i just need to say goodbye in my own way, and this is the only way i know how .... a rose or summit... yeah, i'll plant a rose, that will be nice - a bright coloured one - yellow i think ...

So today is another day down .... i cant say im cured, but i havent cried - yet! I have been up since 3am and in so much pain, sevear back pain an lower abdomen - I rung the Dr and told her i was miscarrying (she didnt know until i rung) and she explained to me what to expect. I told her the sac is out but that im still in so much pain - she said the lining still has to come away. i have endo and fibroids, so i think that is making things worse ... she told me what i can take for the pain, but that it is still unbearable, to go to casualty for a D&C (altho she didnt say d&c - she said summit begining with an 'N' any ideas??)

I dont think i realised how bad this would be ... i thought i wud get a painful AF yes, but that i wud just be able to carry on as normal.
But this has really taken it out of me... I know i have to take one day at a time, and that im not gonna be feeling on top of the world physically or emotionally for a while yet - i havent put any make up on, i havent done my hair or even got dressed, since Tuesday - i basically look a mess - i know i have to buck myself up - even to feel better in myself .... I know its only been 3 days, but i feel i need to move on already .... need to get back to being 'me'

Did i tell u i had already started collecting baby's clothes and books etc ... well - they were in drawers in our bedroom, DH has just put the drawers as they are up the attic (roof space) and said we could go through them when we were feeling more up to it .... There must be about 100 pounds worth up there, if not more .... I was only 8weeks pregnant, but u know me, i love shopping and shopping for baby clothes etc became my new hobby!! But now I feel better going into the bedroom an not seeing them sat there .... maybe thats the start to us moving on .... are we doing this too early do u think??? I dont know what im meant to do ... or when im meant to do it ...

DH is my rock in all of this, he cradles me in his arms when im in pain, and when im crying, he rubs my back, he cares so much for me when he must be feeling this too .... it makes me so sad that things couldnt be different - he would have been a fantastic daddy ... He had to take DD to work this morning, an called into Homebase and B&Q to try an find summit pretty to plant in with our baby ... but he said that there is nothing appt there this time of the year, nothing that i would want anyway. I want something pretty, that will flower each year, something that i can look at and smile knowing that our angel is there with us ... So for now we will bury our angel, and mark the spot later on in the year, with a plant that will bloom just as she/he would have ...

We have talked about everything under the sun since this had happened .... even about going again, altho no decisions have been made, i think its the wrong time to make that decision yet .....but i know its on my mind, and i know its on Brians ... Money is obvisouly an issue - or lack of it, only 1 go is free here in the UK, the others we have to pay for (total arounf £4,000) having already paid that twice, our funds are low - but so is my morall, im not sure if i could do this again, i mean what if i lose it again, i just couldnt cope!

When we were comming home from the clinic on Tuesday, after having been told our baby had stopped growing - the radio was on and they were telling us the top 5 babies names for boys, and the top 5 for girls ... and DH looked at me and said - what u thinking love .... and i said - that i like number 5 for the girls names - it was Jessica, and the more i say it, the more i like it .... Jessica .....

Maybe one day .....

Ok, im babbling now .... i tend to do that a lot Thanks for listening ladies ... im sooooooooo glad i have a place to come to vent off. Thnak u i couldnt have got thru this without the support of everyone i have met on here ...

Becky Xxxxx

1 IVF=BFN 2 IVF=BFN 3 IVF=BFP :) m/c @ 8 wks :( 4 IVF=BFN
We must now let go of the life we had planned, to live the life waiting for us..

Image

Adoption course starts March 19th
Welshgirl38
Valued Contributor
 
Posts: 1653
Joined: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:46 pm

Postby Welshgirl38 » Fri Jan 02, 2009 2:56 pm

Sara30 wrote:Hi Welshgirl

I am so sorry for your loss, you put up a post congratulating me on my BFP and I was so excited when I read about your own BFP, and I cried when I read your post saying they could not find your little ones heartbeat, the same has happened to me also and no-one can imagine the pain.
I am so so sorry....

Lee xx


Oh hun <<<<hugzzzzz>>>>

I am so sorry an know the pain u are going thru .... everyone says it gets better - i guess we just need to take it one day at a time ... im so so sorry hun, i was so happy for you - i do hope an pray that 2009 is kinder to you ... sending much love

Becky Xxxx

1 IVF=BFN 2 IVF=BFN 3 IVF=BFP :) m/c @ 8 wks :( 4 IVF=BFN
We must now let go of the life we had planned, to live the life waiting for us..

Image

Adoption course starts March 19th
Welshgirl38
Valued Contributor
 
Posts: 1653
Joined: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:46 pm

Postby kholtan » Fri Jan 02, 2009 3:47 pm

Becky~ It sounds like you are going at just your own pace and that is jut perfect for you and dh. In such hard times it is so amazing taht you and dh are able to talk about it so freely and be so open in your communication. Most couples just have a hard time with that. That is going to hep you ten fold!

I know it's early, but don't rule anything out yet. You may find the strength and the hope you need to try again. As for the money, well, sometimes it too has a funny way of showing up. With all these prayers and hugs being sent your way anything is possible!

One thing is very clear to us all that have read your post. . .you and dh would make wonderful parents and you certainly deserve it. I am still keeping my hopes VERY high for your 2009!

HUGS~
Kimberly
Me 35, DH 35
Ectopic Oct. 2005
IVF transfer 1-21-07. . .TWINS!!!!
ww.batesbabies.blogspot.com

http://lilypie.com]Image

http://lilypie.com]Image
kholtan
Valued Contributor
 
Posts: 1114
Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 6:52 pm
Location: Boise, Idaho

mutilple losses

Postby bdantonio » Fri Jan 02, 2009 3:50 pm

I know how each of you feel.. I have had 5 miscarrages over the years with 2 success stories.. I have had miscarriages from 6weeks to 18weeks it is never easy. if i can help in anyway let me know. If you eant to scream do it.
bdantonio
Regular
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2008 9:55 pm

Postby children » Fri Jan 02, 2009 5:52 pm

Hi Welshgirl and Sara,

I have followed your stories at different threads and no words can describe my sorrow for your losses! I feel that I am not qualified to commend on situations that I personally have not experienced myself. But I can imagine a pg loss is much worse than BFN among our ivfers, unfortunately, early mc is quite common even among normal and fertile people. I wish I had the power to show your future and I wish I could say that your dreams will come true in the very near future!

As a medical scientist, I have to say that it is also quite common that fertility rate increases following a mc - whether you will try more ivf cycle or natural cycles. I know that you are still overwhelmed by the sadness of your losses but I am hopeful that you both will be surprised by another pg in the very near future!

Good luck in 2009!
Me, 50 DH, 40
IVF, 11/05, 19 embryos(e), no ET, OHSS
FET, 02/06, cancelled, dominant egg
FET, 04/06, 4e, BFN
FET, 06/06, 6e, DD born 02/07
FET, 05/08, 5e, DS born 01/09
http://yasminachina.blogspot.com/
children
Regular
 
Posts: 491
Joined: Tue Apr 04, 2006 6:59 pm
Location: USA

Postby Welshgirl38 » Mon Jan 05, 2009 1:00 pm

Hi Ladies,

Well i got a scan today, and yes - everything is out ... feels like my heart is gonna break all over again today! When we got there the Dr asked me how i was, i said ok considering ... she didnt know i had already miscarried until i told her that everything was out - and she scanned me - said that yes the sac had come out at some point!!!!

I didnt tell her that i held in my the palm of my hand, and that i saw everything - i saw what a woman who is desperate for a child should never see! I didnt tell her i had buried it and planted a special plant which will bloom every year ... i didnt want her to know that .... thats between DH and i (and u ladies of course) i wasnt sure if she would understand this or not so i choose to let her keep saying, when the sac came away at some point in the last week!

Little did she know that i could tell her the date and the time and the minute it happened ... not much point, its gone and there is nothing i can do about it.

I felt ok when i came out of the clinic ... felt it was like closure, and now we must move fwd - but driving home, looking up into a beautiful clear blue sky, the sun was beaming and as we were passing the countryside i cried and cried again, why, why did this have to happen .... we loved this baby so much. Why does the world carry on when ours has come to an abrupt stop

You know, we found out on 1st Dec that we were pg, and found out on 30th of the same mth we had lost it ... just 30 days - i wish i could get those 30days back - i wud give anything for those days again ...

She told me at clinic that the worst is over - just a little blood left to come out - my lining is 7mm, so all out and gone ... i just cant belive its over ladies ... im having a bad half hour and im sorry but i have to vent it somewhere ....

Why???????? Why???????? WHY??????????????

1 IVF=BFN 2 IVF=BFN 3 IVF=BFP :) m/c @ 8 wks :( 4 IVF=BFN
We must now let go of the life we had planned, to live the life waiting for us..

Image

Adoption course starts March 19th
Welshgirl38
Valued Contributor
 
Posts: 1653
Joined: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:46 pm

Postby Welshgirl38 » Mon Jan 05, 2009 1:01 pm

Sara,

I have got ur pm hun, thank u - i will reply to u i promise, just need to go lay down for moment .... thank u so much for ur kind words at a time when u are going thru the same thing .... that really has helped me, talk soon hun

Xxxxxxx

1 IVF=BFN 2 IVF=BFN 3 IVF=BFP :) m/c @ 8 wks :( 4 IVF=BFN
We must now let go of the life we had planned, to live the life waiting for us..

Image

Adoption course starts March 19th
Welshgirl38
Valued Contributor
 
Posts: 1653
Joined: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:46 pm

im here

Postby bdantonio » Tue Jan 06, 2009 2:39 pm

Weslhgirl
I am the last to lie... you never forget you just learn how to move on. I remember each of my angels due dates when i found out i was pg, and when i lost them. None of them were easy. After my last child i had a permante tatto put on my thigh hat is a heart with wings and a halo that has the number 6 in it for the 6 children i lost. Around the hear it says gone forever but never forgotten. Its hard cause people say oh you lost 5 pregnacies no i lost 6 children. They were my children and i loved everyone one of them. I know how hard it is.
bdantonio
Regular
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2008 9:55 pm

Postby reneece » Thu Jan 08, 2009 3:13 am

I am so sorry for your loss. I have lurked on the boards but never felt like I fit in anywhere. Unfortunately, I think this is a place to start for me to get and give some support. We have been trying to conceive #2 since 9/07 and I have been relentless in treatment, to the point my dh thinks I am totally off my rocker. Switched RE once, supposedly with best in area now (actually believe it), multiple treatments, arguements with dh as he doesnt get my need to have a second child so badly. Well finally after clomid, surgery for ovarian cyst, multiple iui's we got bfp. I had taken the month of January off ( I do peridem nursing) to do our first ivf but ended up with bfp in December. Betas were going up adequately and then this Monday the drop. Back today and more drop so just the wait now to miscarry. I realted to you welshgirl. When I went monday i had such a bad feeling, I told dh if bad news I was done with treatment, I couldnt do anymore. Re office 50 minutes from our house so I am pooped,emotionally and physically. Well, it was bad news, and what came out of my mouth to doc, "when can we start again?" Totally shocked me. So we will spend money we really dont have along with contributions from family to do our first ivf in March ( I will take time from work again for u/s and such). I dont know if I am ok, I know I am stronger than I ever thought though and I must try. Any support and friendship I look forward to. Welshgirl, I look forward to your April try. Something wonderful must be around the corner, we just have to believe that.

Renee
me=36, luf medicated somewhat successfully
dh=36, male factor (recently improved)
DS-conceived naturally 3/07
ttc # 2 since 9/07
3 months clomid=bfn
lap for ovarian cyst
4 IUI=BFN
5th IUI=BFP ended in m/c
1st IVF=3/09
reneece
Newbie
 
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2009 3:02 am
Location: PA-USA

Postby Sara30 » Thu Jan 08, 2009 4:02 pm

Dear Renee,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, I also got my bfp before xmas and lost my baby on the 17th dec, I had to go into hospital as she just didnt want to leave me. Like you when they first discovered there was no heartbeat I said to my DH thats it I cant go through this again, I am done, when I came out of hospital I got on to the clinic and am doing it again, The women on here will give you lots of support and friendship,
Take Care
Thinking of you
Lee xx
Finally I am a mummy, we are about to adopt our beautiful little girl xxxxx
Sara30
Regular
 
Posts: 326
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:59 pm
Location: UK

Postby reneece » Thu Jan 08, 2009 6:27 pm

Lee...how kind of you to think of me when you yourself are going through so much. I am so sorry for your loss also. I always said when I heard these stories..."I cant imagine"....whoever thought one day I would. It was the same with infertility i thought and then that was me. The circle of life is so odd, but as the minutes go by the clarity improves......The mourning continues and I guess you find strength you never knew you could have. I started bleeding today and it is sad. I am ok though. The one thing I said I would be done with (treatment) is the one thing I look forward to.....not the driving almost 2 hours round trip for the appts, or the shots, etc....but I guess the hope.....and the peace of mind somehow it will bring. I have this calmness that it is going to work out. Is that odd? I dont know but suddenly I have a faith I didnt have prior, how odd considering what is happening at this very moment. Hmm.....my ds is napping and I am connecting with all of you....losing my pregnancy....and somehow feeling grateful......How would have ever thought that. The power of the human spirit exists I guess and maybe in me.
me=36, luf medicated somewhat successfully
dh=36, male factor (recently improved)
DS-conceived naturally 3/07
ttc # 2 since 9/07
3 months clomid=bfn
lap for ovarian cyst
4 IUI=BFN
5th IUI=BFP ended in m/c
1st IVF=3/09
reneece
Newbie
 
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2009 3:02 am
Location: PA-USA

here

Postby bdantonio » Thu Jan 08, 2009 8:19 pm

I listen to you all and it takes me back. I was 20yrs old when i found out i was going to have to do ivf to get pregnate. I am 26 now. I have 2 beautiful children 1 who turned 4 on the 3rd of this mth and one who turned 11mths today. However i still think of the 6 children i lost.. I wonder what they would of looked liked. I never forget their duedates, their date of death/loss and i mourne each one. I will say it does get easier even though t the time their is no light at the end of the tunnel just stay strong
bdantonio
Regular
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2008 9:55 pm

Previous

Return to Pregnant after treatment

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests