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Need to vent...need advice...

Announcement of pregnancy and birth following assisted reproductive treatment.

Need to vent...need advice...

Postby ajdec » Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:50 pm

Okay...I partly need to vent about a situation I am in, and I partly need advice.

Last night, I found out that a friend of mine has a "surprise" she is interested in planning for me. DH is involved and I discovered the surprise last night by checking his text message from her (yes, I'm horrible, I know). She apparently wants to plan a surprise baby shower.

So I'm sure you're thinking...what's wrong with that?

Well...I'm really torn. Part of me is touched that she'd want to do something like that for me. The other part of me recognizes how much I HATE surprise parties (DH and I actually have an agreement that we will never throw eachother any sort of surprise party) and that I am feeling like I wanted a little more "knowledge" about my shower. This is my first, and probably only, baby. Is it wrong to be a little...not excited about not being in the know about something like this?

I don't know...I'm feeling really emotional about the whole thing. I know this sounds stupid, but I HATE being the center of attention. Honestly, I was not happy at my first wedding because I felt over dressed in my white gown! Having a shower and knowing it's about you is...a little awkward for me as it is. To have it be a surprise, with no input or thoughts or time to mentally prepare for...is not something easy for me.

Am I'm being totally unreasonable? DH and I have had a LOT of slightly heated discussion this morning (although he doesn't know that I know what the surprise is). I know he thinks I'm nuts. Is it wrong to want to be a bit selfish about certain baby things...for example, there are certain baby things I want new and others I know I wouldn't mind getting hand-me-downs or from a resale shop. I view the shower as almost the same thing. I had some hopes about what it would be like. And on top of it, there has already been some discussion with other friends and my mom about a shower...so now it has to be a "surprise?" If you don't know you are having a shower, do you even register? I want to register...but it seems silly if now the shower is a suprise and I am not supposed to know about it.

Ugh...thanks for letting me vent. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this... Any thoughts or feedback is welcome too...maybe I just need people to tell me to shut up and enjoy it! Who knows! :-)
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Postby kholtan » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:46 pm

Shut up and enjoy it! :shock: . . . . No, I am seriously kidding! :D

This is a mixed bag here! You may not like surprises and I totally understand that one BUT perhaps since your friend knows the challenges of having this baby maybe she and your dh just wanted to do something extra special for you. That is quite flattering in itself.

If this were me I would honestly try to retrain my thoughts on this one. I would register regardless of knowing you are or aren't having a shower because most people do anyway since family and friends do like to actually get you what you want. Remember you can return most any item for what you really want and although this party is in your honor it's really for the baby. How sweet will it be one day when he/she learns that dh and your good friend did something this special for him/her???

Also, a lot of people have multiple showers for different reasons. Some have family ones, church ones, co-worker ones. . . ect. So perhaps you can have your "dream" shower afterwards with a few close family and friends. This way everyone is happy. I know you don't want to be the center of attention but your dh must think an awful lot of you to be doing something like this with your friend. I would let my dh do ANY special thing he actually planned in advance regardless of what it was! :D

Then again, if this is would be just be too hard for you to enjoy and you know you couldn't "suck it up" then honesty may be your best policy. Sometimes we do need a little push and then we find we had a lovely time. I know at my shower I had a TON of gifts and felt very uncomfortable about opening presents at the party but it seemed everyone wanted me to do it so I did and it was no where near as bad as I thought it would be. I had even told the girls hosting it that I did NOt want to do that. In the end we all ooohed and ahhhed over the gifts and we were all so exctied for them to get here afterwards.

Think about it and in the mean time don't be too hard on dh for just trying to be sweet. :wink: Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Me 35, DH 35
Ectopic Oct. 2005
IVF transfer 1-21-07. . .TWINS!!!!
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Postby Fluffypuppygal » Wed Jan 14, 2009 5:06 pm

I'm going to agree... Since you have already been "suprized," maybe you could nicely let your friend know that the cat got out of the bag by accident, that you are very flattered by her thinking of you, but since the suprize element is gone, can you help with the planning a little?
You didn't mention how far out the party is. If it is still a few weeks away, you do have time to mentally adjust and prepare. I also would register, if that is what you want to do, and tell your mother you did this, since she is in on the party planning as well and can pass the word.
No one likes to make made a spectacle of, but being the centerpiece of a party for a few hours is not going to be too bad. Just remember the phrases "I'm so touched and flattered you went to all this trouble," "This was so nice of you," or "My husband and I are just excited and thrilled you could be part of this."
If these are your friends, they will know and understand.
Me - 37, DH - 46
1 m/c at 26, 1 ectopic at 27
BFP with 1st IVF! 1st beta 60.85, 2nd beta 975!! Its a boy!
3rd trimester starts February 14th.
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Postby Marina_A » Wed Jan 14, 2009 10:52 pm

Yeah,really!You can register for baby stuff you want new anyway,you have relatives ,family -or you prefer to buy everything yourself?It's kinda get very expansive! Be happy you have a friend who wants to do this for you!
And since you know about that baby shower and your hubby knows you know,they can just made a slight change and tell you the date. And they invite people you know,not a complite strangers .Gosh,enjoy and look forward!
IVF#1-BFP,but lost our angel at 16 weeks
IVF#2-BFN
IVF#3-BFP,started w/tiplets,lost one at 7 weeks,lost a second at 15 weeks
Praying for a miracle baby to stay with us!
It's a girl!

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Postby stefanie » Thu Jan 15, 2009 12:38 am

I can understand. I had 13 people at my wedding and found our after party awkward and strange.

But perhaps you can find a way to be gracious and enjoy it anyway. Consider it a party for the baby. Imagine yourself talking about the baby, and receiving things you'll need for the baby.

(I am both looking forward and dreading mine at the moment)

Is there a way you can let them know you know about the surprise? That way you can get out info on your registry and make the most of people pitching in to get you guys stuff - I mean, this gear is expensive and this way you can get the stuff you really want.

Also sometimes less awkward is a co-ed shower. So it isn't just for YOU but it's for BOTH of you and your co-ed friends can come and it can be lie a regular cocktail party, rather than one of those girly events.

I would talk to your husband and let him know you now.
stefanie
Me and DH 40
TTC 2 yrs
4/07 BFP m/c 12 weeks
2 IUIs
IVF 1 Cancelled, IVF 2 BFN, IVF 3 BFP
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Postby babyhope1 » Thu Jan 15, 2009 1:13 am

I agree with Fluffypuppygal about the cat out of the bag the only thing is she will want to know who told, just say you have your sources. Anyway, see if she will let you plan your own shower, its our last right of passage as women.

I too want to buy used things, people only use them for a few months then sell them online, I am so poor from fert treatments, the monitor (expensive item) and other things I plan to buy used. Also, I hate surprises and when people buy me things. I hate things that are big (small house) or don't work with my things. I am so hard to please and picky. Anyway, see if you can't help her plan it...apparently people only have a shower for the first one, the second gets hand me downs at least my friends have done it like that.
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Postby stefanie » Thu Jan 15, 2009 2:49 am

Exactly Babyhope1.

I got lots of stuff second hand from my sister (tub, pac n play, sheets, bouncy seat, stroller) so my registry has other stuff I need, want. I would hate to have to return a bumch of stuff I don't need, you know?

xo
stef
Me and DH 40
TTC 2 yrs
4/07 BFP m/c 12 weeks
2 IUIs
IVF 1 Cancelled, IVF 2 BFN, IVF 3 BFP
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Postby woodcliff » Thu Jan 15, 2009 2:53 am

Wow, you have FRIENDS? You sound like an incredibly ungrateful control freak to me.

You should count your lucky stars people care enough for you to toss you a party.

Just register at a baby store and let your husband know where you are registered.

And yes, it is awful to check your husband's text messages or emails. I hope you were not like this pre-pregnancy, so you can actually blame it on hormones. If not, get some help. Seriously. You may find that you don't have a husband after you have your child, and even fewer friends than you have now.
8/17: BETA 475
8/20: BETA 1,680

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Born April 3, 2008
37 weeks...
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Postby babyhope1 » Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:44 pm

Wow, I am certain Woodcliff didn't mean as she sounded. However, there does seem to be quite a bit of hormones on this site regardless. Its our life and we can be as we like to be, to each their own.
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Postby stefanie » Fri Jan 16, 2009 12:00 am

Yeah, this is the third thread where someone got really nasty. I think I'm done with the IVF boards.
I don't get the impulse to be nasty, even if you disagree w/ someone.

On some level, I would just take the shower, but I'm not you so I tried to be helpful, but I just can't take these threads anymore


good luck to everyone.
s
Me and DH 40
TTC 2 yrs
4/07 BFP m/c 12 weeks
2 IUIs
IVF 1 Cancelled, IVF 2 BFN, IVF 3 BFP
Beta 1 883 Beta 2 2059 -TWINS!
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Postby AmandaM » Fri Jan 16, 2009 12:17 am

Stefanie

Yes, you do still register for the baby stuff you want. So you will still get to pick out what you want. Think about it, if you didn't snoop you wouldn't know and would still register :P I can understand not wanting to be the center of attention, but if you have friends and family who want to enjoy the baby with you I say just enjoy it. You can drop hints at what you would like in a shower if you want. Most people have a baby shower so it isn't like they would know you know.

I won't be having a shower since none of my family or my DH family lives in the same town as us. Most of my friends live elsewhere too. So it would be silly for me to have a shower with only a few people.

Be happy you are having one :)
IVF # 1 Chem preg Beta #1 49 Beta # 2 33
IVF # 2 Chem preg Beta #1 9 Beta #2 22 Beta #3 168
IVF # 3 BFP!! 1st beta - 565 2nd 995 3rd 9,269 It's TWINS!!!!

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Postby AmandaM » Fri Jan 16, 2009 12:22 am

Opps i mean ajdec
IVF # 1 Chem preg Beta #1 49 Beta # 2 33
IVF # 2 Chem preg Beta #1 9 Beta #2 22 Beta #3 168
IVF # 3 BFP!! 1st beta - 565 2nd 995 3rd 9,269 It's TWINS!!!!

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Postby karenvancouverisland » Sun Jan 18, 2009 7:00 am

hi ajdec, nice to be chatting with you again. i'm very shocked by one of your recent replies, and hope you ignore it.

i relate to your feelings and concerns about the baby shower. i think you need to take care of yourself by finding some way to say 'the gig is up and i know'- or drop major hints to your friend that you MUST be involved in any shower.

all this IVF sh%&t is very overwhelming, and i find myself easily overwhelmed with people gooing and gushing over me being pregnant (which they do at baby showers). i think you need some self-preservation as otherwise you're going to HATE this 'surprise' and harbor bad feelings towards those involved.

take care, karen
38 yrs. DOR, TTC since '04, recommended DE but didn't listen
3 IVF's & 1 FET: 1 cancellation, 1 m/c @ 12 wks, 1 chemical, 1 miracle boy & miracle 'natural' PG right now while waiting to cycle (WTF?)
feb 21 hb 154
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Postby JamieP » Sun Jan 18, 2009 12:16 pm

My guess is that they are making it a surprise because if they didn't you would kick up too much of a stink about it and they wouldn't be able to have a shower for you. I know it is your journey and your baby but obviously your friends want to delight in it too so my advice is to just take a step back and see it for what it is, a bunch of people who really care about you and want to celebrate in this exciting chapter of your life, and do your best to enjoy it. I know it will probably be hard for you to relax and go with it but you never know you might just enjoy it.

Good Luck.

Jamie
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