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Can I just say........

Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.

Can I just say........

Postby Amanda A » Thu Jul 15, 2004 4:41 pm

Hi Girls,
Can I just say that I am feeling a bit down? Sorry to come on and moan but I hope that you won't mind!

One of my due dates is coming up in the next few days and it coincides with my sister's wedding day and I don't know how I am going to feel. A bit of me thinks that I will be at yet another Wedding of a couple who will then go on to have kids quickly and leave us behind but at the same time if that happens, I will be so very pleased for my sister that she doesn't have a problem and that I can have neices & nephews.

I am also starting to feel like I have no purpose in life. I gave up my part time job last Oct as it got so difficult to fit in with the travel to London & time off. I don't regret it because I don't really think I had a choice, I was letting people down all the time. I now feel that it would be impossible to find another job, who would employ a girl who needs so much time off and wants to get pregnant!

I have been thinking about taking a course and learning to do something new that I could do from home and that would fit in with treatments if needs be. What do you all think? I value your opinions, maybe someone else has been or is in the same boat?

I called the clinic this week and when my next period comes I can go for a blood test and kick the whole thing off again, so I guess I may soon be occupied and stop feeling so lost. I guess that my confidence & self-esteem are just taking a bit of a nose-dive at the moment but then that happens with ivf right?

Hope this finds you all in a better frame of mind, sorry again, Love Amanda xx
Amanda A
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Postby luce » Thu Jul 15, 2004 5:33 pm

Ah Amanda

Of course you can come on here when you're down - that's what we're all here for, and it's how we get through it.

I can sympathise with the feelings you are having about your sister's wedding. It seems that we're at that stage where all our friends who are married/in a long term relationship are either pregnant or are giving birth. Some days it is easier to deal with than others, but it never fails to bring us up short as a reminder of what we'll never have. We are of course, always thrilled for our friends, but it is a reminder.

I can also totally relate to the no purpose in life remark. I have been struggling with that recently too, and am trying to find various things to pursue that give me a purpose. I have enrolled in a home study course on gardening, and am trying to find new careers that will be more rewarding. It is a slow process and one that although I'm impatient to get going on, I accept that it may take some time to find the right thing that pushes the right buttons in me. My advice would be to find a something that gives you some satisfaction/pleasure and try a short course or home study course to start off with, something that you think you will achieve. Even if it's just for personal interest rather than as something you might want to do as a career. I wouldn't take too huge a step when you've got a treatment around the corner, but it may help to take your mind off it/give you some satisfaction etc. IVF really does knock your self confidence and self esteem - ask Pete, he's been having to deal with me going through all that in the very recent past poor chap!

Hang in there, and take comfort in the fact that you're not feeling anything unusual, and that you're not alone. Take small steps to making yourself feel good - I know you like to go to the gym, so maybe set yourself some small targets there!?! Remember that it is a rollercoaster and if you can survive the dips, then you will be due some high points soon!

Take care, and give Ruby (is that right?) a big cuddle

Love
Luce
xxxx
luce
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Postby Grace » Fri Jul 16, 2004 5:14 pm

Hi Amanda
I just wanted to say more or less exactly what Luce said. Firstly please come on here any time and don't apologise because we really do understand what it is like and also just wanted you to know you are not alone in all of it.
There really is something about weddings ....just like you it always makes me think oh God next thing there will be an anouncement of pregnancy and then you begin to feel guilty about it and it is all just so dreadful and horrible. Honestly, I have been there many times!!!
I found it very, very difficult when my younger sister announced her pregnancy and gave birth to her son. I had been preparing for it since her wedding. I know she really found it hard telling me and it was like everyone was tip toeing around me. Which is awful really but I can understand it too.
I have to say I really love my two little nephews now but the old "green eyed monster" does appear from time to time and they are a real reminder of what we are missing.
I think we all feel at sea at times. I often think that I am missing out on a family but in a sense I am missing out on a career as well because I have put so much into the former. I think my job has helped me alot though it is not rocket science by any means but it just takes me away from all of the infertility business. I think it would be a great idea to try and focus on something else if you could. As luce says even if it is just a new class or something completely different or even some voluntary work. It probably seems like a big step if you are n't feeling very confident at the moment but it might really help. As you say you will be busy with more treatmeant soon but even in the midst of it all it would be nice to have something to take you away from it even for a short while.
I myself had a bit of a wobbly morning today when one of the guys at work proceeded to tell me his wife was pregnant and showed me the scan pictures. Sometimes it is just so hard to oooh and ahhhhh over those bloody things. Espcially as he is a real idiot and you think how the hell can he have babies just like that and we can't...not fair!!
Anyway one of the girls who knows my story quickly e-mailed me to check if I was okay and said she really felt like ramming his bloody scan photos down his neck. That made me smile I must say, even though I know I am mean!!!
Amanda, I hope you have a lovely day at the wedding, I am sure you will.
Let us know how it all goes and how you are feeling and once again come and chat at any time. I think sometimes it just takes one of us to start and then we all join in, don't we?
Hope you are okay too Luce? The gardening sounds really interesting, you will have to fill me in when I see you. Speaking of which I think I had better go and cut the grass, my garden is looking a bit sorry for itself especailly after all this blooming rain.
Much love
Gracexx
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Postby Amanda A » Fri Jul 23, 2004 9:33 am

Luce, Grace,
Thanks for being there for me!

I am feeling a bit better, your messages have helped cheer me up, it is nice to know that we all have the same sort of feelings (as much as I don't wish this on anyone else!!). The Wedding is tomorrow so will let you know how it goes, I am sure that I will get carried away in the excitement of it all.

Luce, think you are right about finding something which I enjoy initially instead of focusing on making a career of something and also about taking small steps to start off with. The gardening sounds interesting, it's something which I am in sole charge of in our household!

Grace, know what you mean about the scan pics episode, my poor husband has really gone through it at work recently, the whole of his team are at that stage, it's so hard to take sometimes isn't it?!

Anyway, will post a longer message next week as I have been given the job of getting the Just Married sign and other bits & pieces for the car and need to get into town.

Thanks again for your support girls and have a good weekend both of you.

Love Amanda xx

P.S. Ruby has been shipped off to my in-laws in Kent for a long week-end and it is amazing how empty the house feels without her! She only went last night but I really miss her.
Amanda A
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Postby Amanda A » Thu Jul 29, 2004 2:32 pm

Hi Luce, Grace and anyone else logging in at the moment!

Just to say that I made it through the Wedding and actually I did forget at times and the few people who knew that it was also my due date were very very sweet to me.

I have been at the clinic again today as I am doing a cycle where they just monitor me and then next month rightly or wrongly we will start all over again! Well, we said we would do 2 this year and we have decided to stick by that.

On Sat I am booked for Mr T to do a hysteroscopy(which I have had before), apparently their stats seems to show that by flushing out the womb before a cycle they have a slighly better chance, well, we shall see!!

Hope this message finds you girls in a good place, take care, Amanda xxx
Amanda A
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