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December night out

Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.

December night out

Postby Alison » Sun Oct 17, 2004 4:21 pm

It was great to catch up with Amanda and Lou on Friday evening - and we decided we needed to arrange a bigger get together again in London in December (on the basis that if we start planning now there's at least an outside chance of us finding a date we can all manage!) Fridays and Saturdays seem to be best for the out of towners, so I think we're looking at 3 or 4 December or 10 or 11 December. We also thought we could bring our partners (although I must confess I think I'm going to be hard pushed to persuade Julian). So, if people post which dates they can do we'll go with the date that's best for the most.

Hope you're doing OK, love


PS This is very much an open invitation to anyone who comes over to the life after bit, so do please come and meet up if you're in a similar boat. I won't pretend we're normal (!) but I think its true to say we're a pretty friendly bunch.
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Postby Amanda A » Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:39 pm

Hi Everyone,

Lou, Alison, it was lovely to see you both again on Friday. Grace, Luce, Jen etc. sorry that you couldn't make it, maybe as Alison says we can get everyone together on one of the dates above if we start planning now!

Sat 11th is the best date for us, after that our preference is as follows:
Sat 4th, Fri 10th, Fri 3rd.

Have spoken to Darren about coming along and he is fine with it, although I think that he would run a mile if he thought that he would have to talk about ivf all night!! I have told him that it will just be a nice night out with some good food, wine and company of course!

Talk Soon, Love Amanda xxxx
Amanda A
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Postby Grace » Mon Oct 25, 2004 6:46 pm

Hi Girls

Glad you had a good time when you met up just really sorry I was n't there.

How is everyone? Special thoughts to Alison. hope everything is going as it should be. You are in my thoughts alot at the moment.

All okay here really. I think it is a lovely idea to meet up before Christmas. The only problem for me is I don't know what dates I will be around.
December is a mega busy time for Rod including all sorts of unsocial hours. We can never get away to Irealnd at Christmas because of this but we often try and make a trip during the run up. I don't know when that will be yet as everything is a bit disorganised.
Go ahead and make your plans for whenever you can and hopefully I will fall in with what ever you choose. Even if I have to go on my own so be it!

Amanda, I think you were going back for a review around now. How did it go for you?
How did the exam go for the paramedics Luce? so impressed with that and again I often think of you and hope everything is going pretty well.
Special thoughts to Lou and Jen also.
It is a great pity Becky lives so far away and can't make our "get togethers" but I am sure she knows we think of her and all the other women who have stories like ours. That is what is so great about this forum.
I am fine, well sort of fine. We have been very busy over the past few weeks with work and lots of social things too. I am looking forward to a few quiet weeks to be honest. I still have bad days, and have had a few recently. After all this time I still find it a bit shocking when I think of all we have been through. Over the past week or so I keep going over the negative cycles and just asking ...why? Maybe it is because I will soon try another cycle. Then I wonder am I mad when I am quite negative about all of it.
Rod is much more positive than me and still thinks we can do it but sometimes I feel so very, very negative. I even wonder how he can be so positve. When I asked him he just says there really is no reason not to be. He does n't mean it in a flippent sense but it seems just more black or white to him. I think it is a different experience for him though. He is brilliant and has been there for me 100% of the time and when we get a negative he is very sad but soon gets over it. He never pushes me one way or the other and I know he knows how deeply it affects me but on a certain level I also know he can't really fully understand. Does this make sense?
I think I am on a bit of a downer at the moment but keep my usual everything is okay face to the world. I am sure you know what I mean.
I had n't meant to come out with all this stuff but it just sort of flew out!!
That is what is brilliant about this...I know there are no answers and I know you all know that too but it is just nice to know you are there .
Will chat again soon
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Postby ogr1 » Tue Oct 26, 2004 4:50 am

it is a HUGE bummer that i cant come. who knows thou maybe some day i will just show up :!:

i am glad that you guys can get together..

grace i am sorry that you are having a hard time. but i am glad that you are getting ready to go again.. i do so wish that we had embies left.
or am i just saying that because we dont?

have you been able to talk with the doctors or nurses about maybe changeing meds or something to help make it a + this time?
i know that they had me doing alot of meds. i dont think that i will ever forget the shots!!!!

you just hang in there and keep your chin up. we all know how hard and what a heartache ivf is.. our feelings go on a roller caoster.

just make sure and give yourself a hug everyday and let yourself know that you are a great person and that we all love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby Alison » Wed Oct 27, 2004 9:48 am

Just a quickie to let you know that we won't be going ahead with FET this month after all - after more than three weeks on an increasingly large cocktail of drugs they decided they weren't going to be able to get my womb lining right so it would be better to wait another month. Having had the first signs of AF before my scan yesterday morning I'm certain that that's the right decision, but I don't really understand why it took so long for them to pick up that the lining wasn't thickening as it should have been, which meant that by the time they did find out it was too late to do anything about it.

I have to say that although the first couple of trips back to the clinic weren't too bad I've found it increasingly stressful going, partly because they seem to be busier than ever and whatever time I get there I've had to wait at least an hour. I'm really not at all excited at the prospect of starting all the drugs again when AF arrives properly, but am determined that having got this far I will see it through.

Anyway, enough from me. Becky, Grace, Amanda, it was good to hear from you. Luce, Lou, Jen, and anyone else who pops over here, hope you're doing OK. Love

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Postby Amanda A » Wed Oct 27, 2004 5:08 pm

Hi Grace, Alison, Becky & anyone else out there!

Hope this message finds you all having an 'up' day!

Grace, I am really sorry that you have been feeling low recently. I expect that it is the fact that you have another cycle approaching. I know what you mean about seeing things differently to Rod, I think that men in general think a lot more in black & white terms! Hang on in there, we are all here for you if you want to post again. You can feel free to vent away, you are usually so positive, I am sure that we all owe you!!

Alison, what a bummer about the cycle but better to stop and get it right. I am sorry that it is so stressful already it must be terribly hard to have to wait around when you need to get to work! Does this mean that you will be cycling over Christmas?

My news is that we had our consultation on Friday and Mr T said that he was wondering now if I have some 'environment issues', not killer cells but something else which may not be balanced within my body which can cause miscarriage. There is no test for this so he is just guessing that this could be the case.

Of course we still have the problem of producing very few normal embryos and he seemed to think that the 2 things could be linked in some way. I don't fully understand this but he seemed to be suggesting that if your environment wasn't right your ovaries could also be producing eggs that are not great quality as a result of this. He mentioned a new drug currently being tested in Italy which we may be able to try at some point.

He also suggested that my left ovary might not be working properly because it is stuck behind my womb. All this has unsettled me and I am still not sure where we will go from here except that we will take some sort of break but I don't know for how long. Today I got my period which has made me feel a bit down. You really would think that I would have got over that by now wouldn't you!!

On a more positive note, we are going to Edinburgh for a long weekend on Fri and I am really looking forward to spending some time with Darren as he will be in the states again a lot duing Nov.

About meeting up, Sat 4th now looks out for me. Hopefully some of the others will log on soon and we can set a date.

Love to you all, Amanda
Amanda A
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Postby luce » Fri Oct 29, 2004 4:24 pm

Afternoon girls

Glad you had a good time when you last met up, but annoyed to have missed out. It looks like I'm going to miss out again in December - we are in Cornwall seeing a friend on 3/4 and the following weekend we are paying a flying visit to Pete's parents on the Saturday as it's his Mum's 60th the day before. The Friday night is also my department Christmas party which I have already committed too - I can't believe I could be so unlucky. The whole of December is a bit of a nightmare though, so of course you should go ahead anyway. Just raise a glass for me.

Alison - sorry to hear your FET was cancelled at what appears to be a late stage. Hang in there though, you're right when you say you have got this far, so go for it. At least they are conscious of giving it the best shot, which has got to be a good sign. When are they suggesting you go again?

Amanda - not sure what to say about your followup with Mr T. I told Pete about it the other night, and he said that it all sounded a bit familiar, and that he thinks if we had carried on we'd have had exactly the same discussions with him at some point. I know what you mean about getting your period - even now it still serves as a painful reminder to me of what will never be. Have a fab time in Edinburgh, and enjoy the time with Darren!

Grace - I can relate to your bad days recently as I've been having them too. It sounds like Rod is a rock for you though, and his optimism is brilliant. It is very different for the guys though I think, although I know Pete for sure still feels the pain, especially in this 'new man' world when guys he meets when travelling with work always ask if he has a family and then launch into hours of talk about their children. Poor chap.

Jen - hope you're doing Ok, whatever you are up to.

As for me, well, I passed my tests, then passed my driving test and had an interview on Monday for the paramedic job. I was supposed to have heard by today, but there's no news, so I'm not very hopeful. The interview was the weirdest I've ever had, so I haven't exactly been optimistic all week. It probably doesn't help that on Wednesday it was exactly a year since we officially were told our last IVF had failed. The anniversary has hit me quite hard, and I feel very apathetic about everything. We talked the other night about how we both still feel we made the right decision, which is a good thing, but the sadness still overwhelms us both when we let it.

At the risk of sounding really girlie, just wanted to say how glad I am that you girls are out there to 'talk' to. This infertility lark can at times feel so isolating, and it's good to know you're there.

On a more positive note, we are going to Peru a week today for 2 weeks. We will be travelling around a bit, as well as walking the Inca Trail, which is something we have both wanted to do for a long time. Then when we get back it's only 5 weeks till Christmas, and I'm sure the time will fly.

Suppose I'd better do something domestic like the cleaning, but like I said earlier, apathy rules!!

Take care,
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Postby ogr1 » Sat Oct 30, 2004 5:59 am

luce,alison,Amanda ,Jen,grace,Rachael,and everyone else.
( my spelling is awful. i sent a e-mail to everyone saying that dad doesnt have long cancer. i ment to put dad doesnt have lung cancer. you can imangen the e-mails i got!!)

i wish i had some words of wisdom.
but i am sending you all huge hugs(((((((((((((((( :) )))))))))))))))))))

my hubby and i went horse back ridding today. havent been on the horses for a long time. we where to worried about the risk of getting hurt while doing ivf.
it felt so great. i think in 3 years we have only been on them once or twice.
it was like taking back part of our life. it has been amazing to find out how much ivf takes over.

the horses did great. i on the other hand had to get on top of a barrle to get on my horse. and the inside of my thighs are very sore.
hopefuly i will beable to walk in the morning..
but it was great to be up there and be free.
my hope is that all of us at some point can have a little peace..
your friend becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby louli » Mon Nov 08, 2004 9:52 am

Dear Girls,
So sorry to take such an age to get back to you, especially to Alison and Amanda, after our meeting. Our computer has been out of commission for almost 3weeks. Weird how much I actually use it when I always thought that I did not really need it.
Alison, so sorry that your cycle was abandoned but agree with Luce that it is so much better that they wait to use the embies when they know all is well.
Grace, can understand your feelings. I know that this has affected Nick very differently to me. He showed very little emotion when he was wrapped up in a full - on job but this year he has had less to distract him from reality and so the full impact of our situation has hit him hard. Sometimes I feel a million miles away from him although we are in the same room and that has nothing to do with a lack of love. I adore him but being male his reactions are totally different. We do feel a certain reluctance to put ourselves through all this again and I lose a small amount of positivity (is that a word?) every time but it is not possible to give up until I know that all available options have been attempted. Would love to catch up with you in December.
Luce, Congrats on passing the exams. Have you heard about the job? I admire your tenacity and courage to try something new. I have found the job market very slow down here in Devon and frequently wonder whether I should try something else but have not got a clue as to what that should be. Good Luck!
Hope you are well. Great to meet up. I am sorry that your last appt. carried so many more unknowns. However, I know that you can hang onto some of the positives, especially knowing that you have been pregnant before.
Sometimes the whole thing seems like such a minefield to me. There are so many parts of this that need so much more research - not very helpful for us but maybe the next generation will have a few more answers thanks to our experiences.
Hello to Becky and Jen - I know you are out there somewhere. Is there snow in Montana yet?
Nick and I do not have too many plans for December but could arrange to be up in London maybe 4th December. However, we are in total chaos at home at present - builders, no heat, no hot water and no kitchen!! Have moved to a holiday house nearby for a month but coming back frequently. I am going to London to work for 10 days from 18th Nov. and we have friends coming to stay 10th December so time will be tight to get the house back to some kind of normality!
Enough of my ramblings, keep well and hope to see you soon
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Postby Alison » Sun Nov 14, 2004 2:49 pm

I'm just going to follow Luce in being a bit "girlie", and saying how lovely it is to have you to talk to, and just know that you can relate to how I'm feeling, and I can relate to how you're feeling, and that I'm not either (a) alone, or (b) either mad or pathetic for struggling sometimes to deal with the situation we're in.

I too have had a bumpy few weeks. Not sure whether its being back at the clinic, the sense of deja vue as it was this time last year that, like Grace and Luce, I did my last cycle, or generally not liking this time of year with it getting dark early and people making Christmas plans, which I'm no more enthusiastic about than I was last year.

We found out last weekend that very close friends of ours, who we holidayed with twice last year, spent Christmas with, etc. are expecting a baby next year. It was hardly a surprise - they're in the process of moving from a flat to a house, had said they wouldn't be skiing this year, and last time we were out Vicky wasn't drinking - but even so, I think we were both surprised at how hard it was to be celebratory about it.

Amanda, like Luce I don't really know what to make of your follow-up. I have real swings about what I think about the ARGC too. Despite the timing not working last month, they didn't seem to be doing anything different this month, so I insisted in going in on Friday even though they hadn't wanted to see me til Monday, and they did end up changing my dose. In some ways I almost wish someone would say, "sorry, no chance", and then at least we wouldn't have the, "but what if?" dilemma.

Luce, I hope you've had a good time in Peru - you're such an adventurous traveller! Did you hear about the paramedic job?

Lou, good to hear from you again. All this does put such a strain on our relationships, and I think you're right that men react differently. Unfortunately like Amanda I can't now do 4 December.

Becky - Hi over there. I have a vision of you riding across the prairies - it sounds wonderful.

Grace, it was lovely to have such a lovely long message from you. As always with you, I know exactly where you're coming from. Thinking about/ doing another cycle has definitely brought all those confused feelings back into focus. My big worry about doing this cycle now is that if/when it doesn't work I'll go back to feeling as depressed and directionless as I did this time last year, and all the energy we've put into moving forward will be wasted. Like you and Rod, Julian and I have often had spells when one of us has been much more optimistic than the other, which is good in one way, but sometimes mean you feel you're not on the same wavelength.

Anyway, I too am waffling, so I'll leave it there, other than to send you lots of love.

Alison xx
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