Hi to Traci and everyone else, so many names I recognise from way back, some I have spoken to recently, others not. I understand, I am at the same place, do we or don’t we go on?
I have always been a poor responder, 1st cycle abandoned, 2nd cancelled due to DH accident, 3rd & 4th to ET but both neg, 5th cancelled, 6th to EC but no eggs, 7th pregnant with donor eggs in Barcelona but blighted ovum & missed miscarriage Dec ’05. If I read that catalogue of disaster from anyone else I’d think why are you keeping on going?
Just as we were about to go to Spain last week for a testicular biopsy recommended by the clinic to see if any genetic problems with DH, he decided we were not going. And when I say not going I mean not going ever. He says he hasn’t made make the decision not to try again but I agree he does have valid arguments for not trying again, not just that it has taken over our lives but the fact that the chance of it actually working is so slim. We’re not getting any younger, we should move on.
Makes me wonder if I just keep blindly going on for the sake of it, why am I doing it? Am I wanting to carry on because I always thought I would have children or because I really want one? Am I just being selfish?
Been feeling very down and keep crying, scared of turning into a bitter & twisted old woman who hates anything remotely connected to children, scared that when I turn into this bitter & twisted old woman that DH will leave me.
Can't quite get my head round not having the one thing I have always thought I would have and hating other people who have it. Had a dream this morning just before I woke up about a girl at work who will have her baby when I should have been having mine, woke up and cried. When I see her I hate her.
Feel very lonely. Understand what DH thinks but can't quite be sure I am ready to give up.
Perhaps I shouldn't see it as giving up, perhaps I should see it as getting my life back. Need to pull myself together, stiff upper lip & all that. I too wonder if I should have counselling to help me come to terms with all of this. Does it exist? How can someone understand who hasn’t been through it whether they are a counsellor or not? Can they help me to feel less of a failure and help me not to hate people who have what I don’t ?
I don’t know if it is easier or more difficult to decide having been pregnant. Maybe it has shown me that even if I do get pg, there are no guarantees. What are the odds of having a healthy child at the end of all this? Both over 40, ttc 7 years, history of poor response, variable to low motility & count, possible genetic issues with sperm, one pregnancy in 7 attempts which never developed past a few weeks. No one would put money on a successful outcome knowing all of that would they? Why am I considering spending another £6.5k?
Maybe if someone could tell me why me, why us? Why can’t I have what I have always wanted when others seem to get it so easily?
How do you decide whether to adopt or not? I don’t know if I’ve got the energy to start on something new. I am supposed to be ‘looking into it’ so we can make a decision one way or the other. I think maybe in my heart of hearts I know it’s not right for us. I want DH’s baby, I want to carry a child. DH is also not sure. I got over the donor eggs issue by convincing myself I would be carrying the child and to be honest in the short time I was pg I forgot it wasn’t ‘mine’.
I know I need to work through this and no one can give me any answers, thanks for reading & sorry I went on so long!
Me & DH both 41
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....