Having a down day & I’m afraid you are the only people I can talk to. Apologies in advance.
Am I depressed? How would I know? I always thought it was an excuse people used and they should just pull themselves together. I have been crying for the best part of an hour now and no sign of it stopping. Not loud sobbing, just tears rolling out and rolling out.
It is becoming clearer to me the more I read on the subject that I don’t think I could adopt, I don’t think I can face all the questioning, the strangers delving into every aspect of our lives, being told whether we would be good parents or not. And could I love a child that wasn’t mine? A child who brings all kinds of emotional baggage, unknown effects of drugs as a baby, or a disability? I don’t think I have the strength in me to deal with all that.
But that means I will never have a child. Ever.
All my life I have been planning to have children. That’s what you do, you get married and you have children. Same as it has always been. You carry on the family line, you have children, they have children, and so it goes on, for ever. That’s why we’re here. What’s the point in being here if we’re not going to have children?
Does anyone else have a list of things to do in some vain attempt to take your mind off all this? My list is all things to buy or places to go– is this just some way of me trying to occupy myself and try and convince myself I can have a life without children? It all seems so superficial when you look at it. I don’t need these things, what I want is a child, my child, am I just trying to fool myself into thinking having a conservatory/new kitchen/new bedroom furniture/new suite will make me somehow feel better?
I was out shopping yesterday and saw a girl I used to work with, pushing a pushchair. Now I know she was having tmt at the same clinic as me and so I know it was an ivf baby, so why did I still get so upset? Should I not have felt some kind of joy for her that she was successful after her struggle? No – I hated her. Why was she successful and not me? I turned away so she wouldn’t see me so I didn’t have to talk to her and so she didn’t have to ask me if I had been successful too and I didn’t have to say no.
Does that mean I really have lost the plot?
Sorry about all this, just needed to get it out. At least I stopped crying. Almost.
I have just re-read all of this and realise I don’t say ‘we’ at any point, it’s all ‘I’. What does that tell you? Finding it really difficult to talk to DH about all this. Half the time I think he’s avoiding me. He says he doesn’t like to see me unhappy but how do I get happy? If anyone has a magic formula, let me know.
Kat xx
feeling down
feeling down
Me & DH both 41
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
Dearest Kat - no magic formula or even any particular words of wisdom I'm afraid but had to reply to your message, mainly to let you know that you're not alone here.
From everything you've said you're clearly "depressed" in the sense of being unbearably sad - and why wouldn't you be given everything that you've been through and what you're trying to get your head around? Whether you're "depressed" in the medical sense I wouldn't know - a doctor might, although excuse me if my faith in the medical profession is somewhat dented by my experience of fertility tmt! I'm not sure though that it much matters - it sounds to me very much like you can't and don't want to carry on as you are right now, but in my non-medical opinion "pulling yourself together" is something easier done with some help.
I can't remember (apologies) whether you've had any sort of counselling and/or used alternative therapies since your m/c. I'd consider doing that, and also whether having a chat with your GP would help. Its not necessarily that any of these things would make a huge difference in themselves - but sometimes the act of deciding to do something and doing it gives you back the feeling of being in control.
I know what you mean about making lists and thinking its all futile and pointless and a diversion. I know its a huge cliche that time is a healer, and it doesn't take pain away, but I do think you're very close to your last tmt to be making big decisions about what next, particularly when the final decision was sort of taken away from you by your DH. If I were you I'd focus your lists on the immediate - what do you want to do this week/ month/ at the bank holiday weekend? What film would you like to see, restaurant or place would you like to visit, domestic task do you want to get done? Yes, its small and insignificant in some ways, but the little things do give a bit of a sense of direction, and hopefully will allow you and DH to spend some happier time together, not necessarily answering the meaning of life questions, just remembering why you love each other.
Your DH sounds like mine - not a big talker. Actually that's probably unfair - neither of us are big on showing lots of emotion, which is why these boards are such a life-saver for me. Which reminds me that on occasion I've used talking about what I've said and others have said on these boards as a way into tricky territory.
Thinking of you Kat and sending you lots of love.
Alison xx
From everything you've said you're clearly "depressed" in the sense of being unbearably sad - and why wouldn't you be given everything that you've been through and what you're trying to get your head around? Whether you're "depressed" in the medical sense I wouldn't know - a doctor might, although excuse me if my faith in the medical profession is somewhat dented by my experience of fertility tmt! I'm not sure though that it much matters - it sounds to me very much like you can't and don't want to carry on as you are right now, but in my non-medical opinion "pulling yourself together" is something easier done with some help.
I can't remember (apologies) whether you've had any sort of counselling and/or used alternative therapies since your m/c. I'd consider doing that, and also whether having a chat with your GP would help. Its not necessarily that any of these things would make a huge difference in themselves - but sometimes the act of deciding to do something and doing it gives you back the feeling of being in control.
I know what you mean about making lists and thinking its all futile and pointless and a diversion. I know its a huge cliche that time is a healer, and it doesn't take pain away, but I do think you're very close to your last tmt to be making big decisions about what next, particularly when the final decision was sort of taken away from you by your DH. If I were you I'd focus your lists on the immediate - what do you want to do this week/ month/ at the bank holiday weekend? What film would you like to see, restaurant or place would you like to visit, domestic task do you want to get done? Yes, its small and insignificant in some ways, but the little things do give a bit of a sense of direction, and hopefully will allow you and DH to spend some happier time together, not necessarily answering the meaning of life questions, just remembering why you love each other.
Your DH sounds like mine - not a big talker. Actually that's probably unfair - neither of us are big on showing lots of emotion, which is why these boards are such a life-saver for me. Which reminds me that on occasion I've used talking about what I've said and others have said on these boards as a way into tricky territory.
Thinking of you Kat and sending you lots of love.
Alison xx
Dear Kat
I hope you dont think its inappropriate for me to reply being one of the 'lucky ones'. I just wanted to give you a hug.
I can relate to how you feel as I felt I accepted my infertility when I split with my ex husband when I was 35. I actually went looking for a man who already had kids, I guess I felt that some one elses was better than none at all... believe me it wasnt. I threw myself into my job and bought a house that I renovated, I dont think it took the pain away, just gave me something else to focus on. When I met Rob he told me that he wanted kids a couple of months into the relationship. I toyed with the idea of just ending the relationship rather than coming clean about my problems, however I told him and gave him the choice.
We talked a lot during my many tmts about what we would do if it never worked for us, which to be honest I was thinking would be the case. The favorite was selling up and moving abroad! Maybe that was running away? I dont think anyone has the answers.
We have been lucky, but as you know it took a while to get there. Please dont ever think that I sit here feeling smug as all too well I remember how I used to feel.
I know that men dont like to talk about their feelings, although I am sure that they have them! Like Alison said, have you tried councelling. I had it when I split with my ex as I was on prozac and in a bad way. It did help, if only to get your feelings out to someone whos not involved.
I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it work for everyone, especially those who have battled so hard.
Take care Kat and I am thinking of you, once again I hope you dont mind me replying, but I cant just sit here and not send you my love.
Hugs
Sue xxxxx
I hope you dont think its inappropriate for me to reply being one of the 'lucky ones'. I just wanted to give you a hug.
I can relate to how you feel as I felt I accepted my infertility when I split with my ex husband when I was 35. I actually went looking for a man who already had kids, I guess I felt that some one elses was better than none at all... believe me it wasnt. I threw myself into my job and bought a house that I renovated, I dont think it took the pain away, just gave me something else to focus on. When I met Rob he told me that he wanted kids a couple of months into the relationship. I toyed with the idea of just ending the relationship rather than coming clean about my problems, however I told him and gave him the choice.
We talked a lot during my many tmts about what we would do if it never worked for us, which to be honest I was thinking would be the case. The favorite was selling up and moving abroad! Maybe that was running away? I dont think anyone has the answers.
We have been lucky, but as you know it took a while to get there. Please dont ever think that I sit here feeling smug as all too well I remember how I used to feel.
I know that men dont like to talk about their feelings, although I am sure that they have them! Like Alison said, have you tried councelling. I had it when I split with my ex as I was on prozac and in a bad way. It did help, if only to get your feelings out to someone whos not involved.
I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it work for everyone, especially those who have battled so hard.
Take care Kat and I am thinking of you, once again I hope you dont mind me replying, but I cant just sit here and not send you my love.
Hugs
Sue xxxxx
Me 41 DP 40 3 xIVF,2 x FET all neg, 4th IVF +ve !!!! Twins!!Evie Lara 6lb 5 and Alexander Jack 6lb 9 38wks + 2 days
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Dear Kat
Please don't apologise for sharing your feelings. I for one am glad that you did. Just really wanted to send you a hug and let you know that you are not alone in all of this.
It is so very hard and you should n't worry that you are feeling down, depressed or sad. It would be unatural not to feel this way after all you have been through.
I have n't been through a miscarraige like you have, but letting go of having a baby has felt very much like a bereavement to me. It is like a process - and you have to cry, and be angry and rage at the world at the unfairness of it all. It is bloody unfair and it hurts such alot.
I wish I had some answers, I don't. All I would say is take your time, and be kind to yourself. It is not the time for decsions now just as Alison said take it in little stages. Spend time with your husband and others whom you love. There is nothing that really takes away the pain it is really just putting one foot in front of the other. It is a cliche but it just takes time to begin to feel normal again. I don't know if you have a good and supportive GP but if you do it could be worth chatting to him/her about how you are feeling.
Personally I don't think any of us will ever"get over" what has happend to us but I promise you, you do get used to it and I honestly now believe you can live a happy and fulfilled life without children. It is not the life any of us would have choosen by a long shot but it can still be a good life. I never thought I would ever be able to say that...honestly.
Anyway, Kat like the other girls I just wanted to send you my love. I have felt like I was loosing the plot many, many times throughout this awful experience. You are not alone, there are lots of us and we are all thinking of you.
Please let us know how you are getting on.
Love
Gracexx
Please don't apologise for sharing your feelings. I for one am glad that you did. Just really wanted to send you a hug and let you know that you are not alone in all of this.
It is so very hard and you should n't worry that you are feeling down, depressed or sad. It would be unatural not to feel this way after all you have been through.
I have n't been through a miscarraige like you have, but letting go of having a baby has felt very much like a bereavement to me. It is like a process - and you have to cry, and be angry and rage at the world at the unfairness of it all. It is bloody unfair and it hurts such alot.
I wish I had some answers, I don't. All I would say is take your time, and be kind to yourself. It is not the time for decsions now just as Alison said take it in little stages. Spend time with your husband and others whom you love. There is nothing that really takes away the pain it is really just putting one foot in front of the other. It is a cliche but it just takes time to begin to feel normal again. I don't know if you have a good and supportive GP but if you do it could be worth chatting to him/her about how you are feeling.
Personally I don't think any of us will ever"get over" what has happend to us but I promise you, you do get used to it and I honestly now believe you can live a happy and fulfilled life without children. It is not the life any of us would have choosen by a long shot but it can still be a good life. I never thought I would ever be able to say that...honestly.
Anyway, Kat like the other girls I just wanted to send you my love. I have felt like I was loosing the plot many, many times throughout this awful experience. You are not alone, there are lots of us and we are all thinking of you.
Please let us know how you are getting on.
Love
Gracexx
I feel like I have met up with a load of old friends! It is so lovely to hear from all of you and thank you so much for taking the time to reply and Sue, please don't think I don't want to talk to you even if I am of course very jealous. Actually that's not the right word, sad that it's not me but not jealous as such.
When I do try to talk to DH I always end up crying and I know that upsets him so maybe I have stopped trying to talk and now I cry when I'm on my own instead. I am probably a counsellor's worst nightmare. I will find out about counselling though, it has to help, I definitely can't keep going the way I am.
Thanks again for replying and thanks for all your advice
Lots of love
Kat xx
When I do try to talk to DH I always end up crying and I know that upsets him so maybe I have stopped trying to talk and now I cry when I'm on my own instead. I am probably a counsellor's worst nightmare. I will find out about counselling though, it has to help, I definitely can't keep going the way I am.
Thanks again for replying and thanks for all your advice
Lots of love
Kat xx
Me & DH both 41
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
Dear Kat,
I haven't had a miscarriage so don't know the joy of being pregnant & the unthinkable/unbearable pain of losing a baby.
I just wanted to say that you aren't alone in your feelings or thoughts. I too have thought of counselling, but I wouldn't know where to begin in talking to a 'complete stranger'. If you went to QMH at Roehampton, I believe they offer it there.
Last week I had a call from my cousin, wondering why I wasn't going home (to Ireland) for my Mum's surprise 60th birthday party next weekend, I fobbed her off (not successfully though as she sent me a text a couple of days later wondering what is wrong) as I didn't tell her about my last cycle and towards the end of the conversation she informed me that a mutual friend of ours (in the US) who was also having treatment is now pregnant & with twins. I nearly died, I had to pretend that it was wonderful news, (which of course it is) & that I am happy for her (which I am) but it didn't stop me crying when I got off the phone wondering why me. My DH isn't a great talker either, it must be something in the male genetics.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Like you I feel sad, very angry, jealous and wondering where life will lead now. I'm just taking it one day at a time as I don't know what else to do.
Pauline x
I haven't had a miscarriage so don't know the joy of being pregnant & the unthinkable/unbearable pain of losing a baby.
I just wanted to say that you aren't alone in your feelings or thoughts. I too have thought of counselling, but I wouldn't know where to begin in talking to a 'complete stranger'. If you went to QMH at Roehampton, I believe they offer it there.
Last week I had a call from my cousin, wondering why I wasn't going home (to Ireland) for my Mum's surprise 60th birthday party next weekend, I fobbed her off (not successfully though as she sent me a text a couple of days later wondering what is wrong) as I didn't tell her about my last cycle and towards the end of the conversation she informed me that a mutual friend of ours (in the US) who was also having treatment is now pregnant & with twins. I nearly died, I had to pretend that it was wonderful news, (which of course it is) & that I am happy for her (which I am) but it didn't stop me crying when I got off the phone wondering why me. My DH isn't a great talker either, it must be something in the male genetics.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Like you I feel sad, very angry, jealous and wondering where life will lead now. I'm just taking it one day at a time as I don't know what else to do.
Pauline x
Hello Kat,
I sure could relate to the pain in your post. I found out last week the -ive result after a failed ICSI/IVF. Interestingly enough...the first thing that I wanted to do was go shopping thinking this would somehow "anesthitize" the pain of the failure and the loss of the dream for DH and me.
I too felt "What am I going to buy"? I cannot BUY my own baby and that is really the only thing that I desire. I went out to the store anyway just to get out and get some fresh air only to leave the store weeping after seeing all the mom's with babies and toddlers in tow.
It is so hard to struggle with the WHY MEs!! I have been going through a faze of just wanting to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. I also find myself blaming myself and wondering what I could have done differently. It is just so hard.
I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and though we are miles and miles away, you have a kindred spirit that is in the same boat, so to speak.
Hope you are doing better and that the pain is lessening day by day.
God Bless you Kat!
Jennifer from TX
______________
Me:39 DH:36
1st IVF/ICSI -ive
April 2006
I sure could relate to the pain in your post. I found out last week the -ive result after a failed ICSI/IVF. Interestingly enough...the first thing that I wanted to do was go shopping thinking this would somehow "anesthitize" the pain of the failure and the loss of the dream for DH and me.
I too felt "What am I going to buy"? I cannot BUY my own baby and that is really the only thing that I desire. I went out to the store anyway just to get out and get some fresh air only to leave the store weeping after seeing all the mom's with babies and toddlers in tow.
It is so hard to struggle with the WHY MEs!! I have been going through a faze of just wanting to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. I also find myself blaming myself and wondering what I could have done differently. It is just so hard.
I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and though we are miles and miles away, you have a kindred spirit that is in the same boat, so to speak.
Hope you are doing better and that the pain is lessening day by day.
God Bless you Kat!
Jennifer from TX
______________
Me:39 DH:36
1st IVF/ICSI -ive
April 2006
i dont know about where you are at
but my husband and i run a foster home.
my foster parents started this ranch.
i am very thankful that they took me in as a horrid frightened teenager.
and gave me alot of love.
i think every women on this forum would be a wonderful mom and could and would love any child.
threw our foster home we have adopted our children.. yes there has been alot of heart ache and disapointments
but i have had people arugue with me that the children we have that i hadnt given birth to.
we had one that came to us as a beaten up teenager and with in 1 year everyone swore he was ours his mannerisums became just like my husbands.
threw our children we have become grandparents and i think that has been the greatest gift of all..
being infertile i think is the hardest thing to deal with and to get threw it is even harder. and so many people just dont know and how could they.
i never knew until i couldnt have our baby.
i do hope that you can find some peace and please know that the worst thing we could think of iis that it is our fault cause it is not our fault!!!!!
hang in there
but my husband and i run a foster home.
my foster parents started this ranch.
i am very thankful that they took me in as a horrid frightened teenager.
and gave me alot of love.
i think every women on this forum would be a wonderful mom and could and would love any child.
threw our foster home we have adopted our children.. yes there has been alot of heart ache and disapointments
but i have had people arugue with me that the children we have that i hadnt given birth to.
we had one that came to us as a beaten up teenager and with in 1 year everyone swore he was ours his mannerisums became just like my husbands.
threw our children we have become grandparents and i think that has been the greatest gift of all..
being infertile i think is the hardest thing to deal with and to get threw it is even harder. and so many people just dont know and how could they.
i never knew until i couldnt have our baby.
i do hope that you can find some peace and please know that the worst thing we could think of iis that it is our fault cause it is not our fault!!!!!
hang in there
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
Hi
Thanks to everyone for your kind replies - it's so good to know I'm not alone although obviously I wouldn't wish the pain of infertility on anyone.
I am having more 'better' days instead of really bad days as time goes on, I am not crying so much and I can now go a few days without crying - maybe I am beginning to finally accept that I will never have my own child.
I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I just have to find it!
Love to all
Kat xx
Thanks to everyone for your kind replies - it's so good to know I'm not alone although obviously I wouldn't wish the pain of infertility on anyone.
I am having more 'better' days instead of really bad days as time goes on, I am not crying so much and I can now go a few days without crying - maybe I am beginning to finally accept that I will never have my own child.
I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I just have to find it!
Love to all
Kat xx
Me & DH both 41
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....