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one step forward, one step back...

Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.

one step forward, one step back...

Postby Kat » Fri May 12, 2006 7:14 am

Hi all

Met an old friend at the weekend that I haven't seen for 20 years and he asked why I didn’t have children and I just said ‘I can’t have them’. This is the first time I have said this to anyone. The conversation moved on quite quickly so I didn’t really have time to dwell on it but I felt mostly OK about saying it.

So that has to be a good thing doesn’t it ? A positive step forward.

Then at work yesterday we had a health & safety presentation and one of the things was about the environment and how we must preserve it for our children and our childrens children and I felt myself welling up and had to fight not to burst into tears infront of the whole group.

Silly isn’t it – one little thing can set you back like that, I can't get it out of my head now. I know I have to take one day at a time but sometimes I just can't see me ever really coming to terms with all this.

Hope everyone else is doing OK

Lots of love
Kat xx
Me & DH both 41
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
Posts: 665
Joined: Sun May 04, 2003 5:12 pm
Location: Chessington, Surrey, UK

Postby DebraP » Fri May 12, 2006 4:38 pm

Kat, you're being too hard on yourself. To expect to brush off ALL potentially sensitive subjects with no impact is too much, I think.

To be able to simply say 'I can't have them' is a HUGE step forward. Not feeling the need for explanations and details is a real sign of coming to terms with your new situation. I think you did really well.

The presentation is different completely. The topic and direction of what was being said was out of your control, whereas the old friend conversation you could steer.

I think your one step forward, one step back analogy is spot on.

Me: 44, DH: 31
Game Over.
Dates: Aug 02 - May 06
Tries: 5 fresh + 4 frozen.
Results: 1 daughter, 2 m/c, 1 ectopic.
Valued Contributor
Posts: 2784
Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2003 4:40 pm

Postby Alison » Sat May 13, 2006 1:14 pm

Dear Kat - I agree with Debra, you're being a little harsh - feeling able to answer that question in a straightforward way is a huge step forward. I too have had a new friend ask about my childnessness, and told her the truth, but still find its surprising what gets to me. My two most recent examples are particluarly trivial:
- the sunny weather has done its usual of revealing a whole load of previously hidden pregnancy bumps, but on the train the other day I felt obliged to give up my seat to a heavily PG woman, and then spent the journey that not only could I not get PG but I had to give up my seat to a woman who could!
- even more ridiculously, I got upset about a throw-away comment on the radio from a DJ doing a jokey piece about how he couldn't wait to be a dad so he could tease and embarrass his off-spring. I don't think the comment was made in the context of his partner being PG - just that assumption that 99% of the population has that when they want kids it'll happen. I almost emailed in!!

Oh, and also, a friend who is one of those chain email circulaters sent something to me at work which was essentially about not envying other women because we're all fab really and we don't know everything about other people's lives. Anyway, it included a line about, "don't envy that successful career woman because she might not be able to have children." I know my friend wouldn't have sent it (at least to me) if she'd read it properly, and having ummed and ahhed about it decided not to point it out to her, but realise now that I'm still quietly seething.

Gosh I feel better for off-loading all that!

Anyway Kat, take care of yourself and you're right to take things day by day. Much love too to Debra. I was really sorry to see your negative. I know you've said before that this is it for you, but sense from your posts (I'm afraid I'm a bit of a lurker on the 40+ string) that you really are ready to get off the rollercoaster, in which case I'm sending you bucket loads of strength to get through the next few weeks especially.

Much love to you both

Posts: 491
Joined: Sat Aug 10, 2002 12:48 pm
Location: London

Postby KarenSmiff » Wed May 17, 2006 7:12 pm

Hi Kat

Proud of ya gal for actually saying "that" line..I Can't...

I still havent ever ever said it, but am dreading the time some poor innocent soul asks me...preying I dont blub all over them.

We are still pondering on another go. I really dont want anymore crappy drugs inside me..but keep getting choked up to death each time I see my 4 wks old nephew...its sooo tough. & DH just looks at me with sad eyes when I'm cuddling the babs. May have one more go next summer? Have to save up first, & dont want any more goes in the winter as thats the most depressing time of the year. (all of my other goes (5) have been winter time)

DH said to me Sunday.."Just GO, I said "what?" he said "GO, I know how much you want a baby, and you cant have one by me, if you want it sooo bad, just leave" Well, I just balled my eyes out. WHY WHY WHY...

But then on the other hand I hear stories of people dying of cancer, accidents at age 25 and think to myself "you selfish cow" you have a healthy long life infront of you (hopefully)..just get on with living it"

Can someone please invent a tablet that I could take, that could tell my brain "IT DOESNT MATTER IF YOU DONT HAVE KIDS"! IT IS FINE!

Am I making sense

soz to waffle
Hugs from karen

Now age 33, 5 attempts, 3rd pos then m/c 9 wks. last go dec 05 negative.
Me 31 Poor responder, DH 37 failed vasect.reversal.
1st ICSI 3 eggs, 1 embie - neg
2nd ICSI 4 eggs, 3 embies - neg
3rd ICSI 5 eggs, only 1 egg mature, 1 x embie -POS, Miscarried early may 04 at 9 wks
Posts: 118
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2002 3:21 pm
Location: Central England

Postby ogr1 » Thu May 18, 2006 2:03 am

i dont know if it gets easier or we just acept not being able to get pregnant and to give birth.

i think i have come to peace with not being able to give birth to our babie or to ever have a baby adopted.

it iseems to always be one step forward and 10 steps back..
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm

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