Losing my friends

Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:37 am
Location: Australia

Post by Dexter » Wed May 07, 2008 12:00 am

Woah, look at the response to this thread. Ellie, this is such a topical subject and something we all stand united on. My heart still aches for every time I went through one of these situations and even though I did finally get pregnant, I still cry tears for the pain and re-live it every moment throughout my pregnancy. I still feel it is all going to be taken away from me somehow.

In the 5 years ttc and particularly last year, while undergoing a year of back to back IVF treatment, I managed to conceive for the first time ever naturally. My DH and I had taken an o/seas holiday to clear our minds and bring back some joy into our lives after so many failures. Blow me down I found out when I went on the 'London Eye' that I was infact pregnant. 5 weeks. You can imagaine our shock and sheer joy. We told everyone (my family were also on vacation with us). Then the unthinkable. Lost the baby 5 days later, with no medical facilities at hand due to being a foreigner, I was left to battle through one of the worst experiences of my life, while supposedly 'enjoying' my vacation that was meant to take the place of all the years disappointment. Now my holiday got taken away from me too. It was torture. ON the day of my m/c, by some coincidence of nature, 3 friends called and texted to say they were pregnant.3!! On the day of my m/c, spiralling me into greater despair.

Then there were the baby shower invites, the emails with the ultrasound pictures and the friend who sent pictures of her growing baby belly on the day I got my 2nd BFN, and she was my best friend and knew my results were due that day. Funnily enough I had more trouble dealing with pregnant women than when the baby actually arrived until 'friends' would plonk the newborn in my DHs lap and send me into a fit of tears. I was so open about our IVF journey but people never got it. They were fascinated by the science of it all but could never understand the emotional impact. One thing that my experience did teach others was to get their own fertility checked out if they planned on putting off having a family. Of course everyone came back fine and even my best friend who is 38 and 2 years older managed to conceive on the 2nd "try". She's 8 weeks behind me and I'm so grateful to have her to share things with but I still felt such anger and loss for ourselves when she finally told me. I guess I was mourning that 'natural' discovery of finding out you are pregnant...of being able to surprise your husband...of never knowing the facts about the incidents of m/c. For me it was like riding a tightripe every moment of the way in my pregnancy and just when I thought I was safe, having reached the 12 week mark, I started to bleed and had more worries. It was just always meant to be hard for us and sometimes I still cry for that.

Anyways, just wanted to add my 2 cents. I'm not complaining, I got my BFP in the end but the journey was harrowing. I realise I'm still a lucky one. If you can take anything from that, give it a few more goes if you can. You just never know what's around the corner - at any time.

Sending love,

ME 36-Egg quality? FSH 10.4
DH 39 - Perfect!
Unexp IF - TTC 5years
IVF # 1 Jan/Feb 07-BFN
FET # 1April 07-BFN
May 07 -BFP Natural! m/c 6wks
IVF # 2 -BFN Chemical pg Beta 7
6 blasts on ice -
Try # 4 -FET Nov 07 BFP!! Beta 250 15dpo TWINS!!


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