dagny

[ogr1]

i have not been on the board for a while.
for many different reason.

but it is normal to think you are pregnant again. i did. i took test one even gave me a plus. but it was just the hormones in my body.
and again a few months later thought again that i was pregnant and the test came back -. i was devastated. getting pregnant with out ivf wjust wont happen. i have no tubes and a few other things. but there are so many days that i didnt even want to be here. and also i cant count how many times i wanted to go out and bring my son inside. sometimes i thought i herd my son crying or i would wake up with such a yearning to go and be out there with him.
on july 7 th 2 days before my 39 th birthday , my precious son was born.
his birth how ever , was not accompained by the felictations of such occasion. my son was born after only 20 wks of living in my body.
i cannot possibly express all that i have felt in the past few days. horro, bewilderment, frustration, anger,emptiness - the list goes on. but i keep trying to remember the incredible happiness that my little boy brought me in his short life , and some how , i feel a sort of peace.
my little boy was tiny, but he brought so much joy to so many people. few people could ever have such a life that renders only everything that is beautiful. but for me , he was more then what could be ; a mere potentiality - he was my son from the moment we did the transfer.
my life changed radically with the knowledge of my pregnancy. typically a poor eater , i was aware of everything crumb that i ate, trying to fight the nausea with the convition that if i ate , the baby would be happy. and at night i gagged down those necessary vitamins despite the fact that my doctor informed me that i could start taking them later.
my baby was going to get those vitamins regardless of how i felt. and along those line i placed a photo from your scan on the back of the toilet so that i would remember why i was getting sick in those especially difficult moments.
i used to take walks, being content to know that my little secret companion was with me. and as i walked, i would think of how good it was for us to get some fresh air. during those walks i would would talk to god and tell him of the joy i felt and how happy i was to be his partner in this miracle.
other typically meaningless events became significant with the knowledge of my pregenancy. when i was in the car i would change the radio station if a hard rock song came on - after all, babies shouldnt hear those kinds of things , everyone always teased me because i would always have a hand on my tummy to pertect you. and finally , in the evening when i would rest. your dad and i would put our hands back on my barely swollen tummy , just so that we could reassure each other that the other was there. then we would listen to your heart beat. then we could fall a sleep knowing you where going to meet us soon. we had made it half way.
i"ll never forget seeing my son on the ultra sound for the very first time. the knowledge that he really was there and that he moved! by the way he used his legs, he would be a basketball player. the day my baby died , we saw him doing flips and what we interpreted as waving to us.
i was lucky , we got to see our son once a wk. those pictures by which i would have to remember my baby. those pictures , and the ones in my hands. amazing that , amidst the horror , i gazed at his beauty. after all , i knew - he was a part of me.
althought the loss of my son has been the most heartbreaking experience of my life , i have learned to cling to the miracle of his life on this earth .
my experience with pregancy and my brief role in motherhood has brought me closer to heaven that i ever knew was possible. and indeed , that's where i want to be.
my e- mail is ogr@direcway.com
please know that you are very muched loved and you dont have to be alone. we where able to go to the temple and get sealed to our son. that has made alot of difference for me. i still have sad moments but i know that i will be ok. love becky
first son born & lost 12-25-1982
twins born and lost 12- 26-02
moses craig barrus born and lost july seventh 2003

[Tracey S]

Becky

I was just in the process of emailing you with Traci's news and some bits and bobs and what do I see.
I did set up a thread saying I had been back in touch on the pg after tmt board.
Glad to see you have got back on
Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Dear Becky

I am so glad you have posted to me on this very special 'Babies loved and lost' forum. It was created for all the special babies who we have desired and prayed for for so long but who just didn't make it into the mortal world.

I have spent many a moment wondering how you were doing. I remember reading when your son Moses was born and died and can remember thinking 'How on earth has she got through that loss with such dignity'? I just couldn't imagine how anyone goes about dealing with something so devastating. Little did I know that I was going to have to deal with the very same grief only months later. I have never had to cope with such inner sadness and pain.

The way you described how you held your little bump to protect the secret inside you and the way you spoke to it sounds so like what I did. I was aware of everything I said and did and ate knowing that it would have an effect on my little miracle inside me. I listened to music that she responded to (she liked ABBA!) I went to Mamma Mia the West End Abba show the week before she died and she went mad kicking and dancing! I cry now if I hear 'Lay all your love on me' it seemed to be her favourite.

You also said that Moses' death has brought you closer to heaven. I have always been scared of dying but since Katelyn died I am quite calm about it now and one day I will be with her again in heaven. For now though she will have to be my guardian angel.

Thank you for your post. I am going to put an 'Angel Creche rollcall' on the forum so our little babies can be remembered whilst they play safely in the biggest baby angel playground in the sky.

What are you doing these days. How are your foster children?

With love from Dagny xkx

[ogr1]

wow. i dont think that i did anything with dignity.
my gosh look what you have done. you have gotten a place on here for all of our children. i e-mailed marcus and told him that i couldnt get on line. he sent me a new link and it worked. the board sure has changed,
and i have alot of reading to catch up on. that is if i can figure it all out.


our loss has been huge but please dont lose who you are. it is very easy to do.
for me i keep a photo of Moses in my bible and when i get real down or just at different times i get my photo out and i wright him a little note. sometimes i just wright i miss you or i love you or what is buggy me. right now i have been wrighting different things down because this time last year i was pregnant with him. this seems to help me. and i can think of the day when he was sealed to us in the temple. i know he was there with us.

we have been very busy around here. the snow is now gone except for the little bit on top of the moutains. the kids are growing. rich is now having contact with his birth mom, so he has been really acting out. we just got a 10 year old boy yesterday. his name is todd. mark had to leave and is in a mental place now. i dont know what will happen to him.

so what have you been doing ?

[Dagny]

Hello Becky

Do you like the new forum? I feel it is easier to talk about our little angels on here rather than on the other forums where it may upset the others. This way they can chose to read this side and not be forced to.

I have Katelyn's photo in every room of the house. It may seem obsessive but she was such a huge part of me and my life for a short while that I need to see her and I talk to her like I did when I was pregnant. I have a box with all her special things in that I don't open very much. I have her teddy, scan pictures, my hospital notes, her birth and death certificates, her funeral candle and her baby grow in it plus a few other things. The one thing I just can't do is listen to the piece of music my brother composed and played at her funeral. Hearing it just tears me up inside. Music has such a powerful influence on my emotions it's quite amazing. I wrote a letter to her which went into her casket along with a St Christopher round her neck to keep her safe on her journey up to heaven.

It must be lovely where you live. I am trying to picture it with the snow on the mountains. It is very hot and sunny here right now. I usually love this kind of weather but it's just not doing it for me at the moment. I am just too depressed to notice it really.

How many foster kids have you got now? Is Todd settling in well? Do you get to see Mark now? Is Rich happy about seeing his Mum?

My best friend has just gone into hospital this morning to be induced with her 2nd child so I have mixed emotions today.

Take care love Dagny xkx

[ogr1]

i think that you did a very wonderful thing by getting this going. you seem to be alot stronger then you think. that is something that none of us did.
give yourself a huge pat on the back.


and for any one that you know that cant get back on this is what marcus sent to me and it worked.
Dear Becky,

Many thanks for your message. The site has recently been updated and the message board has moved to a new location!

http://www.ivf-infertility.com/phpBB2/

as for Moses stuff i have it in moms ceder chest. at different times i go back threw it and i have a good cry and doing some praying.
every day is a knew day and we all need to find something each day that can bring us a little happyness.
i am very lucky because Moses is barried in are back field on the island of our little pond. i just bought this red bush to plant out there. dh and i finaly found a foutain that we liked . ad we are going to put it out there.
i try not to think of yesterdays to much and try to focus more on tomarrow and what i can do to make it better.

we have 10 . 2 of them we have adopted , and in the process of adopting aaron. he is 14.
rich is having a very hard time with his birth mom. she is a drunk among a few other things.

if you e- mail me at
ogr@direcway.com
i will e- mail you some photos.

i wish that there was a spell check here.
try and smile today
love becky