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easeier said then done

Forum for those who have lost their babies through miscarriage, neonatal or stillbirth.

easeier said then done

Postby ogr1 » Sat Jan 29, 2005 12:37 am


Upon finding out you are expecting a child, whether it be your first or your sixth, there is an expectation that comes with knowing that within a year you will be holding that little life you created in your arms. It is a time of great hope for the future, and the things that come with it. Choosing babies names, decorating a nursery, buying new baby things, fantasies about what the baby will be when he/she has grown.

More often then we expect, that dream is shattered. Something goes wrong and the family is faced with the cruel and traumatic stages of miscarriage or stillbirth. Some people think that miscarriage is less distressing then the death of an older child. After all, no one got to know the child. However SOME PEOPLE are wrong. We do feel it, that was our precious baby, we did bond with that baby. How can the first tiny kicks and the changes in our bodies not count for anything. How can knowing that a dear little life was growing inside of us. How can it be assumed that it is less distressing when we wont even get to hold or see our children smile or laugh, we wont get to hold their little hands and touch their soft skin, we wont have a life time of memories. Losing this baby, makes us as women feel like our bodies have let us down, failed us even. Sometimes the men in our lives or our family and friends have not experienced the baby the way we have.. as a seperate person.

When losing a life, whether it be to miscarriage, stillbirth, or even an adolescent son or your great grandmother, there is an essential grieving process and so is knowing that you may only go through one or two of them, or you may go through all of them. The ultimate goal is to reach acceptance and recovery.

The six stages are as follows:

Denial - It's not possible, this did not happen to me, all i need to do is find a way to get back what i have lost and everything will be fine.
Anger - Why did this happen to me, what did i do to deserve this, I loved my baby, what about all the people in the world that don't have any regard for their children or their safety.
Guilt - It must be my fault, my body failed me, maybe it was that time i knocked myself against that railing, maybe i didn't eat the right foods, maybe i should have been taking vitamins.
Depression - Its not fair i didn't deserve this (AND YOU DIDN'T!), I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, i just want to curl up and die.
Forgiveness - This entails forgiving yourself and people who you may have thought didn't give you the support the need. Sometimes its such a hard situation people don't know what to say. It wasn't your fault and this is the stage of forgiveness.
Recovery - Recovery is simply doing the things you did before you lost the baby, whether it be going back to work or seeing friends you avoided. Getting back into a routine and looking towards the future. This does not mean you are forgetting your baby, you never will .. It simply means you are taking the huge step of courage and learning to live again.

Its quite common to go back and forth from one stage to another and it is not predictable what order the stages of grief will fall in. What is important is closure and undestanding.. The most important thing for us to remember is we do have the tools we need to survive. There are so many people out there who have been through and are going through the same heartache, we are not alone. Not only will we survive this we will come out wiser and stronger for going through it. We will appreciate the importance of our children.
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby faroutgirl » Sat Aug 13, 2005 6:46 am

Well said, it could have been me explaing the emotion you go through - 4 times later and I am still sad. I have a friend who was pregnant the same time we found out on the same day, but alas I lost mine and her little girl is now 6 yrs of age. I was recently asked to me God Mother to her, I was delighted but it hurt so much and hurts so much everytime she cuddles me or sit on my lap, a constant reminder.

I am so glad that other people know how I feel about this coz it a tricky subject to approach with others.

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Location: London

Postby ogr1 » Mon Aug 15, 2005 12:53 am

you are right it is very hard. it is so many mixed emotions....

i am so sorry for the heartache that you have had to go threw.

i have to nephews one is the age our twins would have been and one is the age of our son..
please keep hanging on..
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
Board Veteran
Posts: 4301
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm

Postby forbmannn1 » Fri Jul 07, 2006 1:56 pm

nice topic:)!!
Cheap pills here
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Postby ogr1 » Fri Jul 07, 2006 4:37 pm

what good does it do you to make pill post here.
have you ever held your son our daughter in your arms while they died.
well i have 3 years ago to this day.
this topic isnt a nice topic. it is a topic to help us with our children that we will not beable to watch them grow. see them smile we have gone threw so much to try and get pregnant then you finaly get the + only to barry your child along with your dreams.
so please please i beg you stop with this posting.
i hope you know that i am crying right now. i never wanted to think that people could sink so low as to do this.
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Postby Zed2003 » Fri Jul 07, 2006 5:12 pm

Oh Becky,

I've posted on your other thread. Never beg scum like that - they are not even worth replying to and you and your memories are worth a world more than them.

You are a strong person my friend, and have always been here to help others through the years despite your own pain. Know that we are all always here for you.

Look after yourself.
Love Zoe x
1st IVF - Easter 2002 - neg
2nd IVF - Summer 2002 - pos, but M/C 8 wks
3rd IVF Summer 2003 - pos with beautiful baby boy
April 2006 - miracles happen - positive naturally day after receiving IVF letter to start again! Another beautiful boy
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Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2003 1:28 pm
Location: scotland

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