Hi
It could have been me writing parts of that message!
It sounds daft but I wish there were more of us, not that I would want to wish all this sh1t on anyone but just wishing more people understood. Maybe there’s even someone at work in the same boat but I will never know.
I keep trying to think of the positives of not having a child, like you we like our holidays & having the cash, and just doing what we want when we want but it doesn’t mean we’
re happy. Then I start to think why do I want a child? Is it just because I know I will never have one? I don’t want to look back at my life and feel sad that I never had what I thought would make me happy. Have we got so wrapped up in all this stuff that we’ve lost ourselves along the way ?
I look at people we know and I am glad I am me and not them, we know one couple who have not slept together in years, not since before they were married, but they don’t know we know. Someone else has an abusive husband and says she cannot entertain the idea of bringing a child into that kind of home.
I’m in the kind of job where a lot of people go for careers over children so everyone assumes that’s what I have done especially as I am past 40 now. Maybe on the plus side it means they don’t constantly ask when I’m going to have children, like they always do of the newly-marrieds, my MD even jokes about putting something in the tea to stop too many pregnancies. She knows about me but still finds that one really hilarious. Perhaps it’s arrogant of me to expect her to think of my feelings.
You can bet that Trevor Eve programme will be rubbish. I won’t be watching it either, can’t watch anything on the subject at all, not even the factual ones on Discovery Health. I suppose because I don’t think anyone understands so I would either get angry or upset or both.
We have a cat and she is like our child (obviously I say this from the perspective of never having had a child before anyone tells me it’s not the same). Maybe I’m going to turn into a mad cat woman with hundreds of them running around. That is as well as being bitter & twisted of course and hating everyone who has what I haven’t got. Maybe I should go and volunteer at Cats Protection on the weekends.
Deep down I know I‘m lucky even though I don’t feel it right now. You’
re right, I have my health, I can afford to do what I want to do, I enjoy my job, I have my husband and my family. I have things other people would be very happy with.
I think what I actually want is to have had a child a few years ago and for them to be 5 or 6 now. Does that make any sense? Caroline on the over 40s thread said the same, I know where you’
re coming from if you’
re reading this. Struck a chord with me. Maybe that means it really is time to move on, it really is too late for me.
Should I have counselling? Would it help? It scares me what kind of person this could turn me into. How do I know how long I will feel like this? For ever? When will I stop feeling sad? Will it just happen of it’s own accord or have I got to do something to make it happen? Answers on a postcard please.
Sorry for rambling again, once I get started I just can't seem to stop it all coming out....
Lots of love
Kat xx