How do you decide

[KarenSmiff]

Hi Ladies

Its is comforting to know that I am not alone. Sounds strange, but you know what I mean. My boss at work is a 52 year old childless woman, & I prey I dont end up like her, sooo bitter and twisted - you know the sort.

Still pondering on adoption - but not sure at all. Half of me thinks sod it, live a totally selfish life, 3 hols a year, money in the bank, but then at the back of my mind knowing this isnt what i really want??? aaarrrrhh But then i cant do any more, either adopt, or leave dh for some one else, but I would never ever do that.

My SIL is about to give birth to my parents first gchild. Sooooo happy, but could cry my eyes out too. She was a highly strung career girl, and the maternity leave and coffee mornings have got to her already. She used to be my drinking pal too. oh how times change eh.

Sounds stupid, but we are gonna get a puppy. Got to get my mothering instincts out on something! Cannot face another go EVER on ivf. And i definately wont be watching that damn programme thats on Thurs with Trevor Eve....Couldnt even stomach that one about older mums and dads.
I did say that I would only have another go with donor IUI. DH said NO WAY!

We will be ok. Weve got our health ...working on the happiness

Karenxx

[Kat]

Hi

It could have been me writing parts of that message!
It sounds daft but I wish there were more of us, not that I would want to wish all this sh1t on anyone but just wishing more people understood. Maybe there’s even someone at work in the same boat but I will never know.

I keep trying to think of the positives of not having a child, like you we like our holidays & having the cash, and just doing what we want when we want but it doesn’t mean we’re happy. Then I start to think why do I want a child? Is it just because I know I will never have one? I don’t want to look back at my life and feel sad that I never had what I thought would make me happy. Have we got so wrapped up in all this stuff that we’ve lost ourselves along the way ?

I look at people we know and I am glad I am me and not them, we know one couple who have not slept together in years, not since before they were married, but they don’t know we know. Someone else has an abusive husband and says she cannot entertain the idea of bringing a child into that kind of home.

I’m in the kind of job where a lot of people go for careers over children so everyone assumes that’s what I have done especially as I am past 40 now. Maybe on the plus side it means they don’t constantly ask when I’m going to have children, like they always do of the newly-marrieds, my MD even jokes about putting something in the tea to stop too many pregnancies. She knows about me but still finds that one really hilarious. Perhaps it’s arrogant of me to expect her to think of my feelings.

You can bet that Trevor Eve programme will be rubbish. I won’t be watching it either, can’t watch anything on the subject at all, not even the factual ones on Discovery Health. I suppose because I don’t think anyone understands so I would either get angry or upset or both.

We have a cat and she is like our child (obviously I say this from the perspective of never having had a child before anyone tells me it’s not the same). Maybe I’m going to turn into a mad cat woman with hundreds of them running around. That is as well as being bitter & twisted of course and hating everyone who has what I haven’t got. Maybe I should go and volunteer at Cats Protection on the weekends.

Deep down I know I‘m lucky even though I don’t feel it right now. You’re right, I have my health, I can afford to do what I want to do, I enjoy my job, I have my husband and my family. I have things other people would be very happy with.

I think what I actually want is to have had a child a few years ago and for them to be 5 or 6 now. Does that make any sense? Caroline on the over 40s thread said the same, I know where you’re coming from if you’re reading this. Struck a chord with me. Maybe that means it really is time to move on, it really is too late for me.

Should I have counselling? Would it help? It scares me what kind of person this could turn me into. How do I know how long I will feel like this? For ever? When will I stop feeling sad? Will it just happen of it’s own accord or have I got to do something to make it happen? Answers on a postcard please.

Sorry for rambling again, once I get started I just can't seem to stop it all coming out....

Lots of love
Kat xx

[Traci]

KAT's quote
Should I have counselling?
Would it help?
It scares me what kind of person this could turn me into.
How do I know how long I will feel like this? For ever?
When will I stop feeling sad?
Will it just happen of it’s own accord or have I got to do something to make it happen?


HOW THESE THOUGHTS HAUNT US WHEN WE COME TO THIS ROUNDABOUT OF IVF

I recon we deserve a big fat pill or injection at the end of ivf to erase the want for a child and help us move on! is there a book for Life after ivf???? if not we should all write one !
Today I went to the docs to get the results of my FSH and it was 22.5 so that is one decition out the way no eggs from me , I am now going to ring the clinic and ask to see if there are any more developements to ivf/icsi and what are the odds of having my sisters eggs and the % in which it would work cause I have been told before that there is a lesser % rate of it being a +! Then he will probably say what I already know and go for councilling to finnish my road of IVF.

My DH has suggested to me that we should get another kitten as I lost my 18 year old long haired tabby a year and a half ago and he was my baby , I never thought that I would want to have another one but I feel ready now .

Went to work today and 2 staff are wearing it a bit thin,I couldnt cope so I downed tools and told them to sort my collum out (hairdresser) and have come home to have a day of destress!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

WHY ME

Trace x

[Kat]

tell me where I can get that pill. please

I am sitting here listening to 2 people in the office discussing whether their baby / niece is walking yet or not and someone else's baby isn't walking yet blah blah blah

just thought i'd share that with you as I happened to have just popped in here...

aaargghhh indeed

speak later
Kat xx

[Traci]

I am sitting at home absolutley seathing wandering how I am going to make these two members of staff redundant, just waiting for a legal guy to ring me . Today is a crap day just to add to all the other crap days , as a rule I am very patient and cool and it takes alot for me to go nuts but at the mo feel like the world is against me , today I am not depressed just god damn angry !!!!!

right feel better now !

go over to the two girls and pour thier coffees over thier heads!

Trace x

[Kat]

Hi

Lunchtime now, at least the sun is shining even if it is bloody freezing out there.

Hope your day gets better. Can’t help with the redundancies I’m afraid, it’s such a minefield getting rid of people, make sure you get sound advice.

I am feeling better today somehow, had a big, big cry last night, think it was building up throughout the day, not sure why yesterday particularly. Went to aerobics and cried all the way home, got home having managed to stop and look (what I thought) was reasonably OK and then burst into tears again.

Anyway, cried A LOT but always good to talk to DH about everything especially as I do tend to bottle things up. Maybe I was just having a day when I felt extra sad. Maybe one day I’ll get home and be able to say today I felt happy.
I am so lucky that all this still seems to bring us closer together not drive us apart, I don’t know what I’d do without him, it really feels like me and him against the world sometimes. He’s the only one that gets close to understanding what goes on in my head, especially as I’m not really sure sometimes.

We talked about things we might do like holidays and getting more cats and moving away somewhere warmer and working with animals or something. So many things when you start to think about it and a lot of things you wouldn’t do if you had a child. Does that mean we don’t really want one? Who knows….

We are still toying with the idea of adoption. As DH pointed out I was happy to go with donor eggs which wouldn’t have been my genetic child so he doesn’t see why I see such a difference between that and adoption. Maybe it’s a girl thing to do with carrying a child. He is OK with adoption but not with donor sperm, explain that one to me please! Something to do with seeing me carrying a child that isn’t his. Why isn’t life straightforward, that’s what I want to know.

Funny what you say about writing a book – I was thinking yesterday (in between crying!) that I should write something that might help other people going through all this. Probably never will though, even though I do find it helps so much to type everything out. Can’t imagine it would be a bestseller somehow.

Surely something good has to happen soon to average things out, doesn’t it?

Speak soon
Lots of love
Kat xx

[Alison]

Hi Kat, Traci, Karen and everyone, this may sound a funny thing to say, but I'm really glad to see this board a bit busier, not because I'm happy to see others in the same situation as me, but because this bit of the board has been such a godsend for me over the last couple of years working through deciding to stop tmt and what happens next. It is just so reasssuring to read others writing pretty much exactly what I've felt, and be reassured that I'm not going mad/turning into a bitter twisted woman (or that if I am then this is a sane and reasonable reaction for people in our position!)

I was particularly struck by Kat's comment about writing a book - I've thought similarly and even started something off entitled, "The best friend's guide to infertility", there being a similar guide for pregnancy. Didn't get very far though. I too avoided the BBC1 drama this week - by watching ER on E4, which frankly is no better at the moment with Dr Kovach and Abby in full pregnancy excitement - Grrr!

The other thing I was going to say was that some of us from "this side" have met up a few times, although its been difficult to do that lately, and if you fancied doing that it would be lovely to meet properly people I feel I know virtually. I must confess the first time I was really nervous about whether it would be odd, but it really wasn't.

Anyway, I hope that the proportion of good days to bad days continues to improve. Enjoy the little things in life, and don't feel you need to make big decisions about your lives quickly. One of the upsides of making the decision not to have more tmt, horribly hard as it is, is that the clock stops ticking quite so fast.

Lots of love

Alison x

[ogr1]

i have decided to take my name off of the donor list and enjoy what i have now. i have dreamed of having a baby since my first mc 23 years ago.
this has been a very long road. but i cant stay into different worlds.
i want to live for today and enjoy every minute of it.

i think having my granddaughter has helped alot.
i took her with my mom so she could go meet her great great grandfather. after having her for a wk i have sore muscles that i didn't even know i had. i enjoyed every minute. i had my worries about weather or not i could handle having her and not go down the road of having my own baby.. but i did enjoy her as being my granddaughter.. the thought of her being my daughter didn't even enter my head..

with my church having babies is a huge thing and it has been hard to get threw this.
i know that i am happy right now. i hope it will last.
i don't know if this makes much since but it is what is in my heart.
i will be going in and having my hysterectomy this summer. that has been put off way to long..

i am saying good bye to a huge part of my life that i had wanted so much and embracing the life that is here for me now...

my love to you and i hope that we can all find peace and happiness

love becky ogr

[pauline69]

Hi Kat, Traci, Karen, Alison & everyone else.

Alison, I agree with you, I'm glad to see that this board is a bit busier. We've just been through our 3rd & final icsi with a -ve result - just found out at the weekend. I'm feeling like you guys and so glad I'm not alone in my thoughts, feelings & questions.

I'm feeling devestated & really angry at the moment but hope that one day it will start to get easier and I can look to the future without wanting to break down & cry.

Thanks for being there.

Love Pauline x

[ogr1]

i think it will always hurt.
but i know now i can look at a baby and be happy for there parents instead of wondering why them and not me
and i dont want to just take there baby..

it is all very hard. i havent done a ivf for almost 3 years...

[Traci]

Pauline and DH
I am so sorry that you had another - it is gut renching isnt it! after the anger is the RETAIL THERAPY dont forget I have to say that this site is my saveure and I would have gone mad without it , knowing that you are not alone and people do come out the other side . would just be nice if we could take a pill and all the want would dissapear and be able to accept and get on with our lives but NO its not that simple ! I am ok now just! I feel like it is happening naturally slow but it is getting there. I do have my health and a good life and now lots of nice holidays oh and I will be getting my kitten in 11 weeks cant wait I am so excieted at least I will be a sort of Mummy again

anyway my heart goes out to you both

Trace x

[KarenSmiff]

Hello Girls

Just thought I'd take a nosey and see how everyone is. It is sooo refreshing to know I am not alone. We are not abnormal!!!! Feels like it somedays in my every day life. Ive been lucky so far and I havent actually have ANYONE say "when are you having a baby", cus I dont think I am strong enough yet to be able to say "I can't" blub!... I think most people are just guessing that now of me (at the age of 33).

Having second thoughts on the puppy. As we both work full time, it wouldnt be fair?????? I will have to get a gold fish...heeee

Hols in 2 wks..USA...hooray so looking forward to that.

I wish we all lived near each other..we could have our own coffee mornings and put the world to rights :O)


Bye for now
Karenx

[Traci]

Karen
I am not sure if this is an insensitive question or not but I hope that you know I am only asking from the heart.

here goes..............

you and I have a very simular history and the one thing that frightens me is that if I had one last go and it was a + then misscarried I would be in a worse situation mentally then now with not ever getting a possitive . now the question is............. would you have rather not had the + and just 3 neg or was it nice to know you could in fact actuall get PG?

and with the dog isue why not get one that is so small you could take it to work and put it in your bag!!!! only joking

PS if you think I am being nosey with this question slap me ! its just something I think about all the time and noone is as close with whats happend to them like you .

people dont ask me now about children cause I am nearly 40 (48 weeks to go ) but I think they just know I am trying to move on , you know they are dying to ask me how I am but frightened to what I will say so they dont say anything!!!!

Have a fab holiday

Trace x

[Kat]

Hi

I know you asked Karen but thought I'd throw in my bit too - I think getting the positive and then losing it made me realise that the chances of ever getting a baby were so slim - I got pg but even then I couldn't carry it. I think if I had still never got pg then I would be inclined to carry on and carry on thinking one day it would happen when now I am close to finally accepting that it never will.
Not sure if that makes any sense or helps....

People don't ask me anymore as they assume I have decided not to have children especially as I work in the kind of business where a lot of people choose careers over family. And I am 41 this year. Infact someone once included me in a conversation about people who were career girls and I wanted to scream at them NO I WANT TO HAVE A BABY!!!!

Love
Kat xx

[KarenSmiff]

Hiya Kat/Traci

Sorry for taking soo long to reply, Ive only just checked the forum.

Ummm That is a difficult one! Even though I had one m/c it doesnt give me the hope nor strength to keep going & going (had 2 cylces since, 1 cancelled and the other neg using donor eggs). I suppose I class it as a neg??? though saying that I wish they hadnt scanned at 6 wks, cus you could see the little bake bean bleeping away. I would have recovered much easier if I hadnt had know that had been going on inside. Ive still got the scan pic and cant face throwing it away. I never ever mention it to anyone during conversation, like when I had my misc...blaa. Its as though its blocked from my memory.My dh the other week, during an argument, in the heat of the moment said "thats half your trouble "worrying"", thats probably why you m/c" aaarhh. Cus I am the worrier from hell. But isnt 99.99999% of everyone having IVF too! I forgave him (he puts up with a lot of cr@p from me too!)

We are spending £10K on a kitchen this year, and I know that if I asked DH he would let me spend it on another 2 goes. But I am not going to even think about it. I am never having anymore IVF. I still desperately yearn for a baby, yes. But unless we have a miracle natural conception, it aint happening. My brother's wife had a baby last week. He is gorgeous, and I have spent absoloutely loads of dosh on him. I said to DH yesterday, holding back the pmt tears "his the nearest I'll have to having my own".

I did email the IVF clinic 2 wks ago, asking, just out of interest, what DH's last sperm count was in his sample. They replied with the answer, 15mil 50% motilty, (Antibodies present though, so my bod kills his sperm GREAT ! NOT!)and then added to the bottom "plenty for another ICSI attempt". Cant helping thinking, its just a money market!!!!! Weve spent £20K with that clinic. If they'd have a club card, I would be quids in..haaaaa

Take care everybody.
KXXXX