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U R not alone with DI

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U R not alone with DI

Postby Polly12 » Wed Jan 10, 2007 1:15 am

For all of you considering using DI you are not alone. I too have to use donor sperm as my husband was diagnosed with Azoospermia (no sperm in ejaculate) in July 06 - probably the hardest news ive ever heard. We also had the TAFE biopsy to find - nothing - very very sad and hard for us.

We are currently on the waiting list here in NZ for a donor and hope that this is within the next 3-6 months, we have currently been waiting for 3 months now.

I have found a brilliant book called "Building a family with artificial insemination" by Ken Daniels, i can give anyone who is interested his email dress. He lives in NZ but travels to the US and his book is widely used overseas. its is brilliant.

We are still young (mid twenties) and very much hoping that this works. We told only our parents - even though we are close to our siblings. The law in NZ is that you must tell your children and we want to make sure they hear it directly from us. We have told other friends we are using IVF for now, and our dearest friends we will tell the truth when we tell our children in years to come (when they are between 2-3 years old).

I have gone through so many emotions - mostly anger and grief. Anger that this would happen to us and yet there is so many young teenage mums here in NZ, grief that i won't carry my husband's baby and that all our privacy has been taken away. My husband has been incredible and told me, the is so grateful i am prepared to do DI so we can have a family. Im grateful he is so amazing that he is open to the suggestion. This journey has made our marriage so much stronger.

If anyone wants to chat, please post here. This is such a lonely journey, but together im sure we can get through it.
Its not our ideal way of having a family, but i know its going to be our ideal family.


16 May 07- First IUI BFP!!!!!
Azoospermia in DH
Trying since 2005
Polly12
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Postby Gargy » Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:14 pm

Hi Polly,

My DH is also azospermic, had a biopsy and found out that he is not producing sperm. However, it took us a lot longer to make these discoveries - DH is 41 and I am 37.

We had two attempts at IUI at the beginning of last year with an unknown donor. Unfortunately the procedures didn't take.

The night before we went back to the clinic for a third attempt a friend of ours offered to donate. It was a complete shock - someone that was willing to go through the process with us.

We then went to the clinic to consider our options. Our unknown donor had hit his family limit and the clinic has run out of donors willing to meet with children once they turned 18. It was a second shock as we didn't realise how widespread this problem of limited donors was.

We're in the process of getting our heads around the implications of the offer from our known donor. My family and friends know we are using DI, but only my parents know it is a known donor, and they don't know exactly who it is.

I understand exactly how angry you get when you see people with children that don't understand how lucky they are - on the day we found out the news about the unknown donors we saw a father on the train that told his wife that the two beautiful children with her 'weren't my f'ng kids'. I thought - good, give them to me. (Unfortunately there are laws against kidnap...)

At times I have felt very lonely as we potential mothers using DI are a group within the IVF group, so I was glad to see your post.

How do you wait without getting frustrated??
me 40 DH 44
Fertility issues since 2000
PCOS (using Metformin), Male factor
TTC with assistance since 2005
2 IUIs Feb & Jun 2006 with unknown donor BFN
IUI Feb 2008 & IVF Oct 2008 known donor.BFN
IVF Oct 2009 known donor BFP
Gargy
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Posts: 120
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:52 am
Location: Australia

Postby Polly12 » Wed Jan 10, 2007 8:28 pm

Hi Gargy, Thanks so much for your post! you are the first person i have made contact with that is in the same boat as me! Ive had no luck, its quite easy to find people who have found sperm in the biopsy but not easy to find someone the same as us. Im so pleased to hear from you.

I am someone who has always had my life mapped out so i guess that is why we started ttc early on (we have been married for just on 3 years) and i do feel blessed to find out this terrible news (if that makes sense) early on. Even if we get onto getting pregnant i will still be heading towards 30 which is later that what i had wanted but you can't control these things (as i have learnt!).

I am very very sad to hear your two attempts did not work. That must have been heart breaking for you. I have been on antidepressants to help "take the edge" off the dissapointment and grief i have been going through and i know they will help if we too have dissapointing results or Miscarraige. I really recommend them if anyone is not coping well, i put off going to the doctor but my kind mother gently persuded me to go. I was not feeling depressed more that i couldn't cope with life in general and my very full on job.

Your friend who has offered to donate to you is an angel. That is how i think of all donors our there - angels, giving such a precious gift.
We too had a known donor offer - my husbands Uncle, however that does not feel right for us and we have decided to persue an unknown donor at this stage. It is amazing how limited donors are. I think this is largely due to it being law now that offspring may contact their donor at age 18.

I very much struggle with seeing other children. i have had two dear friends pregnant during this period which has been hard. It has taken a lot of healing to deal with this and i have recently visited one friend to see her 4 week old baby, i cut myself off from her when she was 3 months pregnant, i couldn't face it. The other i am seeing on Friday - she is due in 2 weeks - too cut myself off from her, i just haven't been able to deal with it. Time has healed and my special pills have helped me think more clearly and to see past the anger and grief.

I too feel very lonely every day with this. I have started to feel special though. This journey has made my marriage so strong. I am so much more in love with myhusband for this hurdle we have faced and have gotten through so far. I know that this will all be worth it if i can help someone else with their fertility issues sometime in life, or if it makes me a stronger person for having gone through it. Its lonely as there are woman with secondary infertility (trying for #2) and i haven't even got #1 yet! Something my counsellor told me which has been helpful, is when you see someone with a baby or child - think - that is their child, i will have my own one, and not to wish for their child.

To help with the waiting, i have engrossed myself in other things i enjoy -i do triathlon events, so loads of training. I sew, and have a lovely garden which is so enjoyable. I do loads of crafts and surround myself with good friends and family. I look forward to small milestones rather than looking towards the end result which seems a lifetime away - eg, our next holiday or something special i am looking forward to. Plus i have been buying somethings we want that as a childless couple we can afford at the moment - new furniture, overseas holidays etc - and some couples with children say that when they talk about their kids, we can talk about our fab holiday.

Thanks for sharing with me. keep in touch.
Its not our ideal way of having a family, but i know its going to be our ideal family.


16 May 07- First IUI BFP!!!!!
Azoospermia in DH
Trying since 2005
Polly12
Regular
 
Posts: 105
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:58 am
Location: New Zealand

Postby Gargy » Thu Jan 11, 2007 11:37 am

Hi Polly,

How well can I relate to having my life mapped out :D. My plan was a good HSC, then degree (so I have something in my own name), then become a teacher, then get married at around 24 and have children by the time I was 30.

DH and I met when I was 18, I did get the degree done, I became a teacher and we did get married when I was 24. Then the magnificent plan fell completely apart. I often think of that line by John Lennon "life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans". And it did.
Among many other things, including me getting out of teaching, we were given DH's diagnosis.

We had actually expected that I would have issues as I had an ovarian cyst removed when I was 15 and my cycles were all over the place anyway. We had not expected DH's diagnosis.

First he went into denial. Then depression. He was prescribed similar pills to the ones you're on. Then there was a lot of wandering in the wilderness until we found a good clinical psychologist in 2000. Occasionally anxiety will rear its ugly head, but he is learning to deal with it. However he is very much committed to having children. The anxiey is (to quote Professor Lupin from Harry Potter) his "furry little problem" (sorry, re-reading it at the moment, and it's a very good comparison).

DH's brother did offer to donate in 2003, but this didn't work out as he and his wife tried to impose rules on us about how we would deal with the situation (particularly to keep the donor secret forever). Eventually he pulled out as he realised he couldn't separate himself from being the father of the potential child. We were glad, as we were about to say 'no' as we were the parents and we wanted the child to know about their biological heritage.

However logical this decision was it put us through a fair amount of heartache and I was rather wary at first of our friend's offer. However the situation is different. Our KDI(known donor - I may as well make up an acronym!!) is a gay man that had no intention of having children. He has been a friend of us both for years (weirdly, if I had stuck to my original path and stayed a teacher I would never have met him, and my life would be very boring!) And it happened so significantly that I think that this is a path that we need to follow, whatever the outcome.

My struggle with seeing other people pregnant comes and goes. On good days I remember the good advice from our counsellor that other people's families are their journey in life, and I have my own journey to follow. On bad days I look with hatred at other women who seem to have everything come easy and fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. End of term is particularly bad when people seem to feel obliged to come in and bring their babies with them.

I also had a bad time dealing with Christmas this year - particularly watching children lining up for Santa. And I went into hysterical crying when my brother asked us to his son's fete - I couldn't deal with the happy families.

Actually my worst times were when I was doing IUI and taking high doses of oestrogen via a needle. I have never cried so much in my life! Not a good look when trying to control teenagers in a classroom, particularly boys. However this became easier once I understood what was happening and explained to others in the staffroom what was going on...

I am very lucky in my marriage, and it has definitely become stronger. I also have been very lucky in the two very close best friends that I have had over this peroid - both of whom have been very wise and understanding. The times I feel lonely are when we go to things such as IVF support groups and we can't really explain why we are waiting around while everyone else is go, go, go. Or when colleagues try to be empathetic but don't really understand (Dumbledore was correct when he said that secrets spread quickly around schools).

As you probably have gathered, I read a lot, and listen to a lot of different styles of music. I have a furry family - a cat, a dog and a bird.
I also sew tapestries, knit and write in a journal. DH and I have a project to watch the Top 100 movies of all time (American Film Institute list). I also watch a lot of movies at the cinema. DH and I travel a lot too - mainly within Australia. We see a lot of my family, and some of his.

Unfortunately the whole fitness thing bypassed me but I do own a treadmill that may get some use in the next 6 months :roll: Meanwhile our garden is absolutely woeful - I love beautiful gardens, but not great at creating them...

To answer your questions on the other post, I am in western Sydney and I use Westmead IVF. The clinic is only 1/2 hour away.

Great to talk to you again.
Gargy
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Postby Polly12 » Thu Jan 11, 2007 11:57 pm

Hi there,
It sounds like we have been quite similar in life goals etc, dispite the age difference we are certainly going through a very similar experience and you have been through a hard time with failed attempts. Myheart goes out to you. I will be shattered if we have to face that heartache too.

I know exactly how shocking and shattering to receive the news about your DH must have been. I never in a million years ever thought i would face something like that. It absolutely blew me away for ages till now where i am more accepting of it.

You must be a special person to be a teacher, i can imagine you both have a lot of love to give to children, as it sounds like you have been together for a long time and have a great foundation to build a family on.

Im sorry to hear you have had problems with your cycle/body. So far all my tests, previous health records indicate that im doing ok but as ive never been pregnant that is nothing to say i can carry out a pregnancy. I really hope i can.

Im sad to hear your Hubby has had depression from this. ive been amazed that my Dh has been really good but im the one who hit rock bottom. Our counsellors at our clinic are so brilliant which is good. DH has good friends who have been very supportive too.

Very exciting about your KDI - sounds like a good option having a gay friend - how perfect, i really hope this avenue works for you. He must be an amazing person to offer - you are very blessed to have a friend who is so considerate and kind.

I like what you said about "people's families are their journey in life, and I have my own journey to follow". That is a great way to word it. So true. It doesn't make the hard days any easier aye.

I too had a hard time with Christmas - the more you want Children the more you realise Christmas is all about Children. Man i totally understand how you felt. I have avoided so many things at Christmas. Even lately seeing my MIL with her young newphews is soooooo hard i wish she was doting on her own grandchildren not her newphews. anything can set me off! Other days its ok. Im sure you understand.

Your support group sounds interesting, we don't have anything like that, i honestly would find it hard being around IVF couples too:0
Will write again soon.
Its not our ideal way of having a family, but i know its going to be our ideal family.


16 May 07- First IUI BFP!!!!!
Azoospermia in DH
Trying since 2005
Polly12
Regular
 
Posts: 105
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:58 am
Location: New Zealand

Postby Gargy » Fri Jan 12, 2007 7:56 am

Hey Polly,

The IVF group has just started through my clinic. It's a great idea but probably more relevant to those actually going through the IVF process. I'm also considering going to the Donor Conception Support Group (more relevant at the moment). Both gatherings are happening in February. I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh, thanks for reminding me too about the book by Ken Daniels - I've ordered it.

Just to let you know, DH and I will be taking off for a week to Terrigal from tonight (one of the bonuses of non children) I'll catch up with you when I get back. See ya!!
Gargy
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:52 am
Location: Australia

Postby Polly12 » Tue Jan 16, 2007 12:48 am

Hi there,
I hope your holiday is brilliant! you lucky thing. Im off tramping this weekend (for a long weekend - one of the bonuses of no children!) with a girlfriend:) Can't wait.

Thats great you have ordred Ken Daniels book - its so brilliant i can't rave over it enough it covers every topic, every emotion everything to do with DI you can think of! I have a copy by my bed and wouldn't be without it now.

Sydney certainly is a big place but at least your clinic is close by. I find it a little frustrating at times, as we have no support groups here for anything let alone one specific for DI - you are very lucky to have that contact.
My time in Sydney as been spent mostly at Coogee Beach where our friends live, i absolutely adore the walk to Bondi and back. I love Sydney city as its just gorgeous with all the old buildings etc. Ive been tripping around a wee bit looking at craft shops in NSW and am totally in love with the blue mountains - just love getting up there for a day on my own. In Leura i feel like ive died and gone to heaven. Just love it there. You certainly live in a lovely place. Have you ever been to NZ?

We are currently planning a trip around September to head over to Perth where one of my younger sister's live. Should be nice for a change - even though we do love Syd.

I rang our clinic this morning and the lady in charge of the DI waiting list told me she has just got back after Christmas and to phone end of next week to find out where on the list we are. Im nervous and excited all in one. Just can't wait to get the ball rolling.

Where to from here with your KDI?

Hope you had a great break.
Its not our ideal way of having a family, but i know its going to be our ideal family.


16 May 07- First IUI BFP!!!!!
Azoospermia in DH
Trying since 2005
Polly12
Regular
 
Posts: 105
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:58 am
Location: New Zealand

Postby nicolamark » Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:57 pm

I know, I have used donor sperm had 5 iuis. these donors are great people, givng us chances. thats why i am now about to donate my eggs!!
To say thx.
TTC 9yrs...lots of IUIs all BFN
1st IVF cancelled OHSS
2nd IVF 4 eggs all failed to fertilise
3rd IVF down regging now, EC expected 1st wk of sept.
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Location: Cambridge, UK

Postby Gargy » Tue Jan 23, 2007 2:42 am

Hi Nicolamark,

Sorry to see that IUI didn't work for you. I think it is a great thing that you want to donate your eggs.

Where are you up to on your journey to have a family?

Hi Polly,

Back from holidays! Had some drama - as we were heading home on Sunday some charming person decided to light a fire in the National Park and the fire officials had to close the freeway south. We decided to stay overnight and see what happened early Monday morning. We left the car at my Nan's and caught the train home. Lucky we did as they closed the freeway and highway. Just after we got home they closed the railway as well - we saw the fire as we came through Berowra and it was very close to the railway!!

Yes we have been to lovely New Zealand. A friend of mine decided to join a convent in Bombay in 2000. DH and I decided to go there and watch the ceremony and combine this with a holiday at the same time. We started our driving holiday on the South Island. One of the beautiful images I always remember is the beautiful flowers on the side of the road in the foreground and Mt Cook in the background. The other is the awesome view of Lake Tekapo. I always think back to that beautiful colour combining aqua, green and blue. We also flew in a small plane over Milford Sound, which was spectacular.

Then we drove to the North Island. I really liked the Maori guide that took us around Rotorua - very matter of fact. Finally to Auckland and Mt Eden to see our friend. A truely beautiful place.

If you're going to Perth, make sure you visit Scarborough Beach, it is a wonderful place.

I'm waiting until I get back to work (next Monday) before starting the IVF journey again - I just wanted to have a mental break.

:cry: Talk soon!!
me 40 DH 44
Fertility issues since 2000
PCOS (using Metformin), Male factor
TTC with assistance since 2005
2 IUIs Feb & Jun 2006 with unknown donor BFN
IUI Feb 2008 & IVF Oct 2008 known donor.BFN
IVF Oct 2009 known donor BFP
Gargy
Regular
 
Posts: 120
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:52 am
Location: Australia

Postby nicolamark » Tue Jan 23, 2007 8:41 am

My journey is about to start on the IVF road, Ive turned a corner, and now i can see my baby at the end of this road!!!! :D
TTC 9yrs...lots of IUIs all BFN
1st IVF cancelled OHSS
2nd IVF 4 eggs all failed to fertilise
3rd IVF down regging now, EC expected 1st wk of sept.
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nicolamark
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Posts: 1879
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2004 4:05 pm
Location: Cambridge, UK

Postby Polly12 » Wed Jan 24, 2007 12:12 am

Nicolamark - thats awesome you are donating your eggs, i too feel that i will have to do that as something special to give to someone else, a bit like "paying it forward" i guess.

Will wait and see if i have any luck with my eggs first:)
Its not our ideal way of having a family, but i know its going to be our ideal family.


16 May 07- First IUI BFP!!!!!
Azoospermia in DH
Trying since 2005
Polly12
Regular
 
Posts: 105
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:58 am
Location: New Zealand

Postby Polly12 » Wed Jan 24, 2007 11:47 pm

Hi Gargy, welcome back from your holiday! I can't believe your dramas! sounds like something out of a movie. Sounds like you were lucky to get home, its unreal how so frustrating people can be and to have such a roll on effect that mucks up peoples everyday plans.....

Thats great you have been out to NZ - im pretty proud of our gorgeous country! Sounds like you have been to some real beaut spots too!

I can understand you wanting to have a wee break from IVF. Ive had a wee drama this week, my clinic promised to tell me where we are the donor waiting list at the end of Jan so for 3 months ive been so looking forward to that phone call. I phoned them last week to be told they need me to phone back this week, so i did that to be told the lady who knows is away all week! and the receptionist had a quick look and said "sorry, no timeframes, nothing we can tell you" I hung up and felt so upset and crushed, i just wanted that little bit of info to look forward too. A few tears slipped out but i thought no bugger it, im going to phone back and speak to my counsellor as she is the one who promised the info. Well what a turn around. She spoke to the scientest who said we are 6th on the list and some couples above us might not go through with the treatment - so that is a chance to speed things up and also they have 2 new donors coming out of quarantine so that is very positive! So she said worst case scenerio is Oct (which means we would have waited 12 months) but more likely around May so fingers and toes crossed, because of course that only means starting treatment, not that is when i will actually be pregnant. Who knows from there what sort of a journey we will face.

I hope your plans when you go back to work go smoothly. Keep me posted. We have two lovely long weekends coming up in NZ which is nice, we have some camping planned and i have a rather large bike race 80km so might not be able to sit down this time next week.

Take care
Polly.
Its not our ideal way of having a family, but i know its going to be our ideal family.


16 May 07- First IUI BFP!!!!!
Azoospermia in DH
Trying since 2005
Polly12
Regular
 
Posts: 105
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:58 am
Location: New Zealand

Postby Gargy » Thu Jan 25, 2007 6:11 am

Hi Polly,

Good on you for not taking the first answer! I've got everything crossed for you that the donors come on line sooner rather than later! Good luck!
me 40 DH 44
Fertility issues since 2000
PCOS (using Metformin), Male factor
TTC with assistance since 2005
2 IUIs Feb & Jun 2006 with unknown donor BFN
IUI Feb 2008 & IVF Oct 2008 known donor.BFN
IVF Oct 2009 known donor BFP
Gargy
Regular
 
Posts: 120
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:52 am
Location: Australia

Glad to connect with others....

Postby DonnaUS-NY » Fri Jan 26, 2007 7:26 pm

I have been looking to connect with others who have gone (or are going) the donor route. I have skimmed the messages posted and have said "Wow, I feel (or have felt like that)". Although it's a difficult situation, at least it's nice to not be alone.

My husband and I have a donor baby that we would not trade for the world. He too was diagnosed azoospermia with no trace in the biopsy; it too was one of the hardest things to have heard. We made the decision to do IVF using a donor backup if his biopsy yielded none and that's what happened. The first cycle failed and the next cycle with frozen embryo worked. She is now 2 1/2 and we are starting a new ivf cycle for a sibling (which we purchased and stored sperm for).

I am heartbroken to hear how difficult it is to find sperm donors because of the new laws. As far as I know no such law exists here in the US, in terms of disclosure it's optional for the donor(unless it's changed since 2004). This made it very easy to select and buy the sperm needed. Is it possible to go outside of the country if that was ever a desire?

I will hope and pray for you all that you get the donor you wish for and acheive the pregnancy you have been dreaming of. If anyone is going through an ivf cycle or would like to talk more feel free. In the meantime, I am going to look up the books recomended as we still have some work ahead of us in terms how/when to disclose.
DonnaUS-NY
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Posts: 42
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Postby Gargy » Sat Jan 27, 2007 2:32 pm

Hi Donna,

It's good to hear from someone that has had a successful result using DI. In answer to your question, certain clinics in Sydney (at least, possibly around the country) will use donors from overseas, but only if the donor is happy to be contacted by the child when they turn 18. Having read some of the stories from children who are this age now and cannot contact their donor fathers, I can see why the emphasis has gone to the rights of the child. Just makes it difficult for those of us who need donors now!

Fingers crossed for you for your second child!
Gargy
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Posts: 120
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:52 am
Location: Australia

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