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Lost both my twins

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Lost both my twins

Postby angelbaby » Tue Jan 23, 2007 10:24 pm

Just today have I mustered the courage to write my sad story. I was pregnant with twins and was soo happy. Couldn’t ask GOD for anything more when I found out both of them were girls. Everything was going fine, when on my 19th week, had a yogurt type discharge and some lower back pain. I called my Dr and he said to go into emergency- Labor and delivery. When the dr in labor & delivery checked me, she said she could barely see my cervix and my contractions were occurring very frequently. My twin A's membranes could be seen. So my dr came in the morning and they decided to do a rescue surclage. He wasn’t sure if he could push Twin A up and stitch up the cervex. He said the chances are very high that Twin A's water bag will rupture and we may need to deliver the twins. Some miracle happened and he could push the water bag up without rupturing it and managed to stitch the cervex a tiny bit. After that I was on complete bed rest in the hospital till my 23rd week. On the 23rd week, I started to bleed a lot and the water bag for twin A has ruptured. So we had to deliver Twin A and she passed away after 3 hours in my arms. I delivered her vaginally so they managed to keep Twin B inside and also keep the Placenta for Twin A inside, since it was joint with Twin B. The dr also did another surclage hoping that will keep Twin B inside longer. On the 24th week, I caught a major life threatening infection and also a big blod clot - sue to the placenta bleeding from Twin A. So we decided to deliver Twin B through a C-Section. She lasted 3 days in the NICU and passed away.

We have been through so much pain and I am always crying for my babies. I feel if only I could hold them once more, I would do anything for it. Life can be very cruel and I always seem to blame myself for everything that happened. I also seem to be angry with everyone around me. It will be 3 months for our 1st baby on Jan 31st. I hold their pictures, talk to them, dream about them and I don't seem like letting go of them. At times I feel I may go insane.
Me- PCOS
IUI - Aug 03 -ve
1st IVF - Oct 05 / 2ww - Nov 05 - Failed due to OHSS
Final IVF try - Jan/Feb 2006
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Postby pixiesmom » Wed Jan 24, 2007 5:34 am

Angelbaby,
I am so sorry! I can't imagine your pain. I have miscarried 3 times & as emotionally painful as they were I know it doesn't even come close to what you've had to endure. I am so sorry that you don't have your little girls to hold. Since I started ivf & since my miscarriage a year ago I find myself constantly questioning why things happen the way they do. I think I will forever. I know there aren't any words that can make this better for you but, just know that there are many people here that can relate or a least come close. God bless you

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Postby EYCI » Wed Jan 24, 2007 10:10 pm

Angelbaby -
My heart absolutely goes out to you. I can't possibly imagine the grief you are going through. I think all of your reactions are completely understandable. I hope you can get past blaming yourself. This wasn't your fault at all! I'm sure deep down you know that, but it is completely natural to feel that it is your fault. I miscarried one of my twins and that was all I could think of for weeks. I know that this doesn't compare to your situation, but just wanted to let you know that it is a normal reaction.

I truly hope that you have a good support group of family and friends that can help you get through this. No matter what anyone says, don't try to rush through the grieving process and move on. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel sad, mad, devastated and hopefully too you will start to have days that aren't so bad. When you do have a "good" day, don't feel guilty about it. Please know that you are in my prayers to find peace in your heart with all that you've been through.

--Julie
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Postby ogr1 » Thu Feb 01, 2007 3:38 am

hang in there
you have a long road ahead of you
but you need to keep going.
i know our doc put our son in my husbands arms and said you have a perfect son. then our son stoped breathing.
it broke our herasts.
sometimes it seems like i couldnt even take another breath.
we had to wait a few days before i could bare to have himn put into the ground. and once we did i waNTED TO GO out and un barry him and hold him.
the dreams , the heart aches ,

but i can now look out at our sons grave and know one day i will hold him and my other children in my arms and it will be in a perfect world.

if you ever neeed anything plkease e-mail me.
there is nothing worse then going threw mc alone.
i wouldnt have made it if it wernt for this sight.
please keep going. and know you have friends here who do understand..
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby angelbaby » Thu Feb 01, 2007 4:23 pm

thank you soo much for all your replies. i tell you life is very tough. everyone in my family tells me to move on and they feel the sooner i forget the better it will be. but i need to grieve, how can't i. life will never be the same for me. i go thorugh a lot of guilt where i blame myself for whatever happened.
Me- PCOS
IUI - Aug 03 -ve
1st IVF - Oct 05 / 2ww - Nov 05 - Failed due to OHSS
Final IVF try - Jan/Feb 2006
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Postby ogr1 » Fri Feb 02, 2007 9:23 pm

it is not your fault. there isnt anything that you did.

it takes time.
a wonderful women from here who had many mc and now has her daughter told me that
the death of your child is like a wound it will heal but there will always be a scar.
i have had many bad days and ok days .
at times couldnt even get out of bed.
i found giving myself permision to cry helped me out alot.

when we mc or even get a neg result from are test it is huge.
we have saved and dreamed of holding our child in our arms.
most of us have spent our last savings for this dream that so many people take avantage of.
but i try and look at it that i am thankfukl that they dont have to know are pain and the many times of the all night secret tears that we have all shared.

at hard times i go threw and read the thread of peoms

give your self some time nad give yourself a hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby pixiesmom » Sat Feb 03, 2007 6:29 pm

Angelbaby,
I know it has to be a very difficult time for you right now with no hope at all but, believe me when I say there is a light at the end of that tunnel. You have to go through all of the pain first & then you will find your way out but, like Becky said that scar will always be there & you will always wonder why this happened especially when you see many others that you feel are unworthy to be parents & don't appear to care if they have children or not. There are many people who don't know what to say & there are some that are just insensitive. They don't understand & I think the worst phrase is "Everything happens for a reason" & I heard that alot after my misscarriage. Try to avoid those people for now if you can, or cut your conversations short. Talking to people that don't undersatnd was the worst thing for me & just made me feel worse. There isn't anyone anywhere that is going to make you feel better right now & you need to greive for your precious angels & question everything right now. I still have to remind myself going into this cycle that it does get better if this were to happen again. I haven't ever lost a child like you though & I can't even imagine the pain you're going through. I am so sorry, no one should ever have to lose a child. God bless you,

Pixiesmom
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Postby kholtan » Sun Feb 04, 2007 11:34 pm

You are in my thoughts and prayers. May God heal your heart in Godspeed. I am so sorry.
Me 35, DH 35
Ectopic Oct. 2005
IVF transfer 1-21-07. . .TWINS!!!!
ww.batesbabies.blogspot.com

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Postby HLD » Tue May 01, 2007 11:51 pm

Thank you for having the courage to write, angelbaby. My heart just breaks for you. I appreciate you taking the time to tell what happened to you. We just found out our little baby died in utero yesterday. I had a D&C today and I came on this site looking for someone who has gone through this to mourn with. So, I grieve with you and I'm sad for the unbearable loss you are having to go through. I'm so sorry. I hope that the pain eases with time. I'm sure you will always miss your babies.
Much love,
HLD
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Postby ahart » Tue May 08, 2007 3:36 am

Hi Angelbaby,

I too have lost 2 babies and although I never got a chance to hold them because the pregnancy was so early, it hurts really bad and I think about them mostly all of the time. GOD has a plan and we have to keep striving onward and not forget our lost loved ones, but remember them and know that they are in the safest place to be.
BFP 3/17, 3/29 (3 beanies (4/7/06)Babies b & c heartbeats seen..baby a didn't make it
10/1 weigh 4lbs , born 10/24/06 @5lbs 1oz each
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Re: Lost both my twins

Postby Ronnie » Fri Feb 15, 2008 2:19 pm

Angelbaby:

I went though something similar. After an IVF and 2 years of treatments I found out that I was finally pregnant. As you said, with my housband and I, we couldnt be happier when we found out they were twins: a boy and a girl. God had finally diceded to help us, and we were going to have a big family, we started planning to build our house...but after 16 weeks I woke up one day with fever and 2 days later my Dr hospitilized me..they couldnt find anything that caused the fever..after 2 days at the hospital I woke up one morning and discovered the water bag of one of the babies had broke....so I started with contractions and after 12 hours I delivered both vaginally (they were alive until the last moment). Later I discovered I had an infection caused by an fungus.You were so brave, I couldn´t dare to hold them!!!! It was so terrible.

Life can be so unfair, sometimes I think I will never get over it, plus all the memories and the phtos and all our hopes.....it is terrible and I can understand how you feel. But you will have to live with this all your life as so will I. Lets keep in touch to help each other thought this terrible and unfair situation.

Don´t you get angry at God sometimes? Does it happen that when you see friends who were pregnant along when you were, when you see them you just can´t take it? It is so terrible.

Best wishes baby, and let´s give each other strenght!!!
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