Is there life after IVF???!

by **Lorraine** » Mon Jul 14, 2003 1:33 pm

So, Is there life after IVF? I am hoping that's just a silly question! Not sure anyone uses this side of the message board so will keep it brief...... Just had a 3rd -ve IVF cycle, my DH and I had planned this would be our last attempt - but now the loss of hope is overwhelming me - so I am looking for some inspiration and advice. Can you help? Lorraine

by **alice** » Mon Jul 14, 2003 4:00 pm

Hi Lorraine, have not been here since the hackers came as the messages keptgetting lost andit was getting on my nerves, but wanted to reply to you. We have given up on IVF (9 IUIs 4 ICSI) and are now in the adoption process. Giving up IVF was hard for us, but by the time we gave up we were so sick of it it was a relief. The only thing i can say is that time does help. The desperate feelings of blame, anger, loss and grief for what can't be is overwhelming at the beginning, but do go. WHat I will say is that you need to get over this in your own way and at your own pace. I am just beginning to be able to see young children and be happy playing with them. Before I knew I couln't do that so Imade sure I never put myslef in the situation where I had to see them. I don't think I#ll ever be happy about PG women and new borns, but I accept that and can move on. I think after you have tried IVF for so long and chanelled all your energies into finding new ways to make it work, its hard to know what to do with all the left over emotions and time. I found alchol helped and I saw all my friends I hadn't seen for a long time and found the old me again. Of course it wasn't as simple as it sounds, but I promise it does get better. Try to find out what triggers you off feeliong unhappy and avoid that trigger. Keep talking and remember you are going through the grieving process,of whihc there are many stages but the end stage is acceptance. Lorraine, I promise it gets better. I am not promising it will ever be perfect coz I don't think it ever can, but life will seem worth living wehn you have given it time. Anyway, I found your thread on the general board and you sounded like you needed a bit of encouragment. I hope I've been a little help. There is life after IVF and you need to find out how as a couple this life will pan out. Adoption is the best thing that has ever happened to us because its so tangible. Its hard work, but you always get aresult. take care and keep talking xxxxx

by **Lorraine** » Wed Jul 16, 2003 12:53 pm

Oh Alice Thank you. Wasn't sure I would get a reply here - so it was good to hear from you. I am feeling slightly calmer at the moment - the initial anger seems to be subsiding and but I am just left feeling flat and sad. My DH and I have been TTC for 7 years - we have "only" had 3 IVF's - but like every one else went through the drug therapies first. Had a bit of a blip a couple of years ago had to take a break from IVF as hubby got very sick - but thankfully recovered - only mention that as in the year we HAD to leave it to one side I found the time away such a huge relief and live in hope that maybe stopping treatment this time will bring that same feeling of mental freedom - eventually. The sense of failure is overwhelming at the moment - for lots of reasons - failure to conceive, failure with the IVF, failure to cope and even a failure to continue - I must admit to being troubled by not continuing with the treatment. You hear so much of women having 4.5,6 even 9 or 10 treatments and I feel so hopeless at considering giving up at number 3. I am usually the tenacious type so just feel I am letting myself and everyone else down by stopping. And yet I am not sure I have the heart to coope with anymore negatives. It is not the treatment itself - although I hate it more and more it's the cold fear and then the agony of it failing that I have little ability to cope with. Like you I have become aware of "my triggers" for me it's pregnant women - as it seems that’s all I have been aiming for, for as long as I can remember. Children themselves haven't been such a problem but I have given up working with them (I’m a nurse), as I couldn't stand witnessing them ill - sometimes because of cruelty. And I am aware that I have distanced myself from some friends and family members - my "inner circle" seems to be getting smaller with each year that passes - and that is something I both regret and know I can work on. Right now I have given myself permission to stay off work for a while - I want the freedom to work out how I feel and what I really want to do - without the immense stresses and rigors of working 50-60 hours a week! So now I have to work on myself (and DH)!! Thank you for the advice and more importantly the hope you have shared with me. How far along are you with the adoption process? What is the process like? Did you always think it would be a consideration or is that something that has grown over time? I hope we talk again. Wishing you all the very best with everything. Lorraine

by **alice** » Wed Jul 16, 2003 5:07 pm

Hi Lorraine, I am glad that I helped you a bit. I think that acknowleding your feelings is the first step to recovery. I guess the way to look at it is that you are not a failure, but the medical profession is. You can't be a failure because you gave it your best shot. I think to say "only" 3 IVFs is wrong. IVF is bloody hard and consumes you in a way that no-one will ever know unless they have been there and thats what makes it hard. It is a disease for which the cure is slim and no-one understands. Like you say, the time you had off gave you mental rest. I could have easily done the drugs, the EC and ET again, and we have a free cycle on the NHS but we choose not to take it because the mental part is far far worse and I have never been so low. I think I was probably depressed but just carried on. As I said before, when you've had time to heal you will feel better. I think deciding to give up is one of the hardest decisions as you give up your way of lfe, but there are new ways of life that we have yet to explore. We have our last preparation class for adoption next week and then our home study starts. We should be going to panel by christmas. We had thought about adoption before our last IVf and now I feel that its what we were meant to do. This is not to say I have given up IVF forvere as there may be a new medical advance in years that I could try. On the other hand adoption may be so good that I do it again. Lorraine, what I think is that there is an end to everything and you are making good progress. Keep mailing in and I would love to help if i can. i know if it wasn't for my friends in the same positoin I would have never have made it through. alicexxx

by **Lorraine** » Fri Jul 18, 2003 11:49 am

Thank you Alice - have been a funny mood past few days (what's new) just haven't felt like talking. It's very unlike me I can tell you! I just feel numb I suppose - but don't seem to have the energy or the inclination to speak, not to ANYONE, not DH, or even my mum. I am having counselling (started a couple of months ago - feels a bit weird but is useful) and so I hope that todays session will get me to open up again - I don't like this distant, detatched feeling. God I sound so screwed up - but thats how I feel. Have nothing to say really except "I am still here!" I was really interested in what you have to say about adoption. I am unsure it is something we would consider in the future - but I am aware that without knowing anything really, I have felt put off by the process - so feel free to enlighten and educate me! It must be a very stressful time for you both - and I suppose exciting too - you certainly sound very positive about it! It's good to hear from you - thank you again Lorraine xxxxxx

by **Jo Locker** » Fri Aug 01, 2003 3:08 pm

Lorraine I just popped onto this thread to let you know I'm thinking about you, that's all. I know I can't understand completely how you must be feeling. I just wanted to tell you that going through the IVF treatment means that I will NEVER forget to remember to think of you and the others for whom it hasnt worked. I'm sorry I know that doesnt help you and it's clumsily put, but it comes from the heart. Lots of Love, Jo L.XXXXXX

by **Lorraine** » Sat Aug 02, 2003 12:35 pm

Jo - have sent a reply to your email address - thank you. Lxx

by **caz1** » Mon Aug 04, 2003 11:50 am

Hi Lorraine sorry havent replied sooner - have been away and haad a mare logging on Have been thinking about my cycle buddies alot - and wondering how you have all been doing I dont think your question is a silly one AT ALL After only one ICSI I am already asking myself is there life after this? I was saying to my DH only yesterday (am about to get AF so feeling a bit EMOTIONAL at the moment!!) .... At the end of the day all we want is contentment. And I think we are all , understandably , locked into thinking the ONLY route to contentment is by having our own baby. But maybe there is another way, no NOT maybe, of COURSE there are other ways......ALICE in this respect you are an inspiration. But I guess for others it might not even involve having children at all. I's not saying it easy- but we are all SO strong - we've had to be. And I think you are amazingly strong. I think its particularly hard because we are probably all of that age group where suddenly all our friends are having children and I feel a bit like you're being left out of a really exclusive club - I do anyway. I guess you just have to accpet that it hurts like hell - and try and see at the same time try to remind ourselves of all the positives in our lives (this is my dh talking!!). He pointed out to me the other say - that we have so many good things in our lives, and ALL I can do is focus/ OBSESS about the ONE negative thing. I guess hes right and I understand that it not healthy - tough not to though isnt it? Anyway - babling on - not sure if anyone will read this anyway! I think the life after IVF threads are SO SO important - its a shame they dont get used more Love to chat anytime Lorraine and ALice. Alice would LOVE to hear more about your adoption story. can I ask....do you think that you will get a baby? Do you mind? Hope you dont mind me asking. Love Cazx

by **Bex** » Mon Aug 04, 2003 1:42 pm

Hi to everyone, I'm not sure if any of you will know me, i was posting a lot early part of this year when i had treatment. I've just been reading this post and so much of it is ringing true for me and i had to reply to you all. Briefly, I've had 6 clomid cycles and 1 IVF (ending in 12wk m/c) over 3 years ago when i was married - my marriage then broke down, partly due to my obsession with having a baby and convincing myself it would make our marriage work out (how wrong i was - he & his new partner now have a baby and aren't happy either !) I then met my soulmate and after 2 yrs together decided to fund ourselves for ICSI (not entitled to funding before 30yrs old) - i have PCOS and partner has v.low count. Unfortunately had a negative result but we do have 5 frozens. I became very self conscious after failure and have decided to concentrate on feeling better both outside & in before trying again - partly due to the fact that it gets me down so much being 'large' - especially without cause (i seem to think that if i was pregnant i wouldnt care how big i got - it would be worth it !) I know how you feel about socialising with pregnant people,babies, children. I think my biggest problem is pregnant women, i envy them so much and it upsets me so much to think that Paul & I may not experience the pleasure of our own child growing inside me. We now have funding available to us but are in the middle of moving house, so are hopefully going back next year. We also have the frozen's, and after reading all the positives from FET - i now want to do that, until i think about it ! I wish you all luck whatever you decide to do and if any one wants to chat or e-mail, feel free to drop me a line. On a plus note - i was adopted as a baby and had the most wonderful upbringing a child could ever want. my adopted mum is my MUM and i do truly believe that your parents are who bring you up. I do, as an adopted baby wish to have my own child so i can have a real blood relative - if that makes sense, To have a baby who would not only be loved and raised by us, but also look like us (poor thing !) love to you all, take care Becky xx

by **caz1** » Tue Aug 05, 2003 9:44 am

Hi Bex - thanks for replying. PLEASE do keep us in touch with how everything goes. Sounds like we are all a bit the same when it com,es to pg women! Good luck Cazx

by **Bex** » Tue Aug 05, 2003 10:58 am

Hi, I think this site & fertility friends are SOOOO important and while DH doesn't actually use the site, he's always listening to what's going on and asking questions which i think is really good too. I've got my brother and his girlfriend and 3 kids visiting this weekend and he's always moaning because we've bought a new car and we're moving into a brand new house - never mind the fact that he chooses not to work and he has the most precious things (2 boys/1 girl) that i would gladly swap some of our possessions for. How the hell can he be jealous of possessions when he has something that money can't buy !! Never mind, i'll enjoy fussing the children for a few days anyway. Do you use the fertility friends website too ? i couldn't make the meeting this time but i went last time and we both had a fantastic time sharing stories, and generally just having fun and i'm not normally the type of person to meet strangers. Take care and speak soon love Becky x

by **Lorraine** » Tue Aug 05, 2003 5:23 pm

OOOOOO visitors!!! So good to hear from you guys! After the lovely messages from Alice - I didn't think I was going to hear from anyone else! Caz - nice to hear from you - I think of you often and wonder how you are recovering. I so love reading your thoughts - your wise, grounded advice appeals to the common sense head I used to own! I so know what you mean about being an outsider - there are times that I don’t even know where I fit in with my OWN life never mind the exclusive club. I am just so negative right now, the things I used to enjoy hold no joy at the moment, and nothing seems to fit or feel right so I opt out. I am so frustrated by myself - I am so very aware of the blessings I have in my life, and I KNOW I would not sacrifice them - not even for a child - and yet I can't seem to get back in touch with them. Oh dear I am making no sense whatsoever - basically I feel as though I am in some sort of a maze - I know if I can find the way out I can be happy - yes - even without a baby - but I cant seem to find a bloody way out!!! It's exhausting - just trying to explain it! Bex - nice to meet you - phew - what a lot you have been through! It would seem I am your cyber doppelganger - same history - (PCOS and poor sperm count/motility/antibodies) - same issues...I am on yet another sort my life out diet! And I am seriously concerned that I may be becoming phobic about pregnant women!!!! I guess its not surprising and comes from the fact that it is all we concentrate on trying to achieve. But whilst I find newborn babies "difficult" I find pregnant women provoke a much more emotional response in me. I even hate shopping some days as I feel surrounded by them! Yep - I really am that much of a mess - sad eh. I really wish you all the very best with your planned treatment - and the house move! Alice - no word from you - I hope the adoption process is going ok - thinking of you. With love from Lorraine xxx

by **Bex** » Wed Aug 06, 2003 7:20 am

Lorraine, I had to reply after reading your posting . . The maze !! you've described it perfectly !! Paul has the patience of a saint sometimes because i just get so down and I can honestly say that it isn't just because of the baby thing. We both made the decision to go along with the house move and leave the baby thing till next year, a choice as much by me as him. But then, I went shopping in Tesco on my own for once and i swear every proud pregnant mother-to-be decided to go that day too !!! I also have the addition that a Manager at work is due early Nov and i can't help but dwell occasionally that we too would have been that far had our Feb treatment been successful. On a good day, when i'm feeling slim (ish), i'm so content with my life that a baby would just be a bonus rather than a necessity. Well, we're off to visit Paul's family & friends in Kent on Aug Bank Holiday so that's something to look forward to. I feel i have to keep making plans to fill our lives, do you know what i mean ? It's so good to chat to you all. Becky x

by **caz1** » Wed Aug 06, 2003 7:43 am

Maze - yep thats it. Totally. And it is EXHAUSTING isnt it? Lorraine you have your finger on the botton totally I too find pg women much worse than babies - I', actually ok with babies. But pg women - OUCH. Thats why I'm dreading next week and seeing my (lovely ) workmate - who'll be a blossoming 4 months. Was weird - haad dinner with 2 really good girlfriends last night - they know I did IVF. But the seem quite reluctant to talk about it and a bit akward. I guess its just totally outside of their scope - I mean why should they be interested. Neither of them are particularly maternal - so I guess they wonder what the bother is about. Or maybe they just thought I should change the record!! Funnily enough tho - one of them - who has been single for a bit and is mid thirties did say that she had considered using a donor sperm - which was quite intersting for me , given our situation!! Didnt really "go there" as we are not telling anyone that DH has problems, but it was intersting that SOMEONE else I know has thought about DI. Anyway , waffling. Is it just me or does this hot weather make you feel worse NOT better?! Cazxx ps- love this thread by the way!

by **ogr** » Mon Aug 11, 2003 9:29 pm

i think that there is life after ivf. but it is a hole knew life. becky