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Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.

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Postby Alison » Sat Nov 29, 2003 1:43 pm

As some of you know, I found out this week that our latest treatment had failed. After 6 failed treatments in two years (5 IVF/ICSIs and one FET) plus two operations in that period on my knackered tubes we're at the point of deciding enough's enough.<br><br>Although its been a tough week, with quite a few tears, I don't feel quite as awful as I thought I would. I think at some point in the last six months I lost my faith that this process would actually work for us, and so mentally I think I'd already started to see my future as a childless one.<br><br>I do feel enormous guilt at depriving my husband of children - he'd be such a wonderful Dad. In my blacker moments I think perhaps I should leave him and let him find someone else to have a family with - we're both 33 so not exactly over the hill - it doesn't seem right that he should have to choose between me and the chance for a family.<br><br>I'm also desperately looking for someone to blame. My buggered tubes are as a result of an undiagnosed infection years ago. I'll never know for sure, but am 99% certain that this happened in my first year at University, when after several weeks of really bad pain I eventually had my appendix removed, and although the pain stopped after that there wasn't really anything wrong with the appendix. The GP I saw at the time was really unsympathetic - I told him I'd just gone on the pill, so he said it must be a side effect of that, rather than thinking what seems so obvious now that if I was on the pill I could have got some sort of infection. I don't know, its something I've tried not to dwell on, but I have thought vaguely about suing the health authority for negligence, at least to cover the cost of my treatments. Or perhaps I should just try to move on! <br><br>OK, having said I'm doing OK, I've realised I've shared some pretty negative thoughts! More positively, DH has his interview for teacher training college this week, so that gives us a bit of focus for moving forward. And some close (childless) friends have asked us to spend Christmas day with them, which appeals more than either a family Christmas or a Christmas with just the two of us, either of which might have been a bit depressing. <br><br>I'll leave it there for now, speak soon, much love<br><br>Alison x
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Postby Dagny » Sat Nov 29, 2003 2:35 pm

Hello Alison<br><br>My heart really went out to you and your DH after reading your post. You have been through so much. I also had an infection in that area when I was younger but it was after having my appendix removed. When I had my 'lap' to see the extent of the blockage the doctor suggested that it may have been due to the appendix op and had I had an infection as there was so much scar tissue furring up my tubes. Well, the hospital sent me home 2 days after the appendix op while I had a raging temperature and was very sick. I spent 2 weeks in bed and couldn't walk or even stand up straight. By the time I saw a doctor I suspect the damage had been done so nothing was investigated. Only, years later did we realise that their negligence had practically ruined my life. One of the things that upsets me is that my appendix wasn't even infected and so the op was un-neccessary in the first place.<br><br>I had one IVF before tube removal which was a big fat neg and a 2 week stay in hospital with dreadful OHSS. I then have had 2 ICSI attempts and the last one was positive. I am 11 and half weeks but still can't relax. I feel though that that particular hospital has put me through a really awful time and there is nothing I can do about it.<br><br>My DH is 37 and I am 35 and we were getting to that point of what next if this one didn't work. You have been through so much, have the docs said why you have had neg's so many times? I think you should look into at least complaining about your doctors attitude if nothing else.<br><br>I hope your DH is successful at his interview this week and I wish you both the best of luck whatever you decide, you deserve it. Enjoy your christmas with your friends and look to the future.<br><br>With warmest love and best wishes from Dagny xx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
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Postby Grace » Sat Nov 29, 2003 4:49 pm

Hello Alison, I have been thinking about you alot and am glad to hear from you. It is weird because life somehow does go on and I think some days are just worse than others at least that is what I find.<br>We have been to a christening today. We did n't go to the party afterwards just the ceremony. I was dreading it in a way but at the same time want to get on with life and not shut myself away. It was okay really. We are going to go out for a nice meal and a few drinks ourselves later, I don't think I could have faced the party bit of the day.<br>Like you and Dagny I too have damaged tubes. I still have them but the left side is completely buggered. They say the other side is still okayish. Have no idea how this happened as it only came to light when I had a lap. I do not remember having any infections or anything like that but must have done. Sometimes I feel really angry about it, how could this have happened? I really know what you mean about wanting to blame someone, I really do. I suppose it is a waste of energy going over and over it though.<br><br>It is great that your DH has already gone for his interview for teaching training. I remember you spoke about that before. I still don't know what lies in our furture. We may try again, I was sure I would n't but don't know anymore. We are not making any real decisions at the moment. Just trying to have a "normal" life and enjoy each other. I would like to retrain too. I have never used my degree really and have only been working part-time with all of this. I have started to look at a few new ideas though. I know I want to move on and try to look at new ideas and new ways of life.<br>This is not something I would have contemplated even 12 months ago. I suppose I am letting go of our ultimate dream and starting albeit very slowly to dream of other things. <br>Keep in touch Alison. I am finding this an incredibly supportive forum.<br>Love<br>Gracexx
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Postby Traci » Sun Nov 30, 2003 10:12 am

Alison<br>You are so brave having made this decision, I know I will have to one day and it scares the pants off me , reading your post gives me hope as you have said its not as bad as you thought , I think your body tells you when enoughs enough, I hope DH is lucky with his job interview and that you Christmas will be good with lots of loving friends and Alcohol , <br><br>All my Love <br>Trace x
1st cycle own eggs Neg
2nd cycle own eggs Neg
3rd cycle cousins eggs Neg
4th cycle unknown donor eggs Neg
Going to have sisters eggs Feb 06
NEVER GIVE UP!
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Postby Tracey S » Mon Dec 01, 2003 7:59 am

Alison<br><br>just wanted to pop in and say you are in my thoughts - I have watched you go thro the trials and tribs of the ivf. I too (like most of us on this thread)have knackered tubes. Mine they think was undiagnosed ulcerative colitis that had infected them so badly they are beyond belief. I had ivf and an ectopic on the first so they removed the right tube but the left was stuck to my bowel so they clipped it. 2nd ivf no go and then an natural fet also no go. 4th fet was positive and we lost our baby boy at 20 weeks!!! 11.5 weeks later for a Post Mortem and they have intimated it is not genetic. I can sort of appreciate where you are with it - I guess I am not quite there as 2 of my tmts worked (though I don't have a baby still)<br>You will have our support whenever you need it.<br>Love<br>Tracey<br>xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
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Postby Amanda A » Mon Dec 01, 2003 11:59 am

Alison,<br>Just wanted to send you all my love and let you know that I am thinking of you.<br><br>Was pleased to read that you will be spending Christmas Day with friends, it can be such a hard time, I am sure that an adult Christmas Day will be much better for you both this year.<br><br>Take Care, Love Rach XX
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Postby Lorraine » Mon Dec 01, 2003 2:47 pm

Alison<br>I am sorry that this happened to you.<br>Words fail me - but I wanted you to know I am here.<br>Thinking and praying for us all.<br>Lots of love from<br>Lorraine<br>xxxx<br>
Married to my darling husband for almost 8 years - ttc for same.
Me - severe PCOS & Hubby - low sperm/poor morphology/antibodies.
Usual investigations/drug Tx then 3 IVF cycles - all negative.
Have chosen not to have any further Tx.
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Postby luce » Mon Dec 01, 2003 3:23 pm

Hi Alison<br><br>I'm not sure that welcome is the right thing to say to someone coming to this board, so how about 'it's nice to hear from you'. <br><br>I am so so sorry about your latest tx....I had hoped, like you, that this would be the fairytale ending you wished for, and that you wouldn't be joining us here. <br><br>I can 100% relate to your thoughts about your dh...I feel terribly guilty too, and instead of just thinking about it, have even said to Pete that he should go and find someone who can give him children. However, luckily he says that he didn't marry me in the first place because he wanted my children, he married me because he loved me....and I'm sure your husband is the same.<br><br>Again, like you, I look for someone to blame. I had a ruptured ovarian cyst when I was 17 and bled profusely inside my abdomen. They fixed everything, and also took my appendix, but when they did the lap 2 years ago they discovered my tubes stuck to all sorts of places they shouldn't be, and they intimated that it could be due to the surgery when I was a teenager. However, I am trying to look to the future instead of the past and to moving on.<br><br>Great news about your fella's interview. I hope it works out. And about Christmas too - we mistakedly invited my whole family over this Christmas but are slowly wishing we hadn't. Do you have friends who are voluntarily or involuntarily childless?<br><br>Am not sure you're interested, but I have joined More to Life, a group for people just like us. They only have approx 100 members across the country, so it's hard to find others closeby in the same situation, but there is a south east group that meets in London regularly. Pete and I are hoping to get to the next meeting, as we both feel the need to make contact with others in a similar situation, largely because we're both feeling a bit isolated from normal people at the moment.<br><br>Have you decided whether you'll have a follow up appointment? How have ARGC been with you?<br><br>Hang in there girl, it does get a little easier. Take it day by day, and as my friend once said, keep breathing. We are now 5 weeks on from our negative, and we have good and bad days, but we try to fill our lives with something to look forward to or something constructive. <br><br>Keep in touch. If you fancy meeting ever, let me know<br><br>Love<br>Lucy<br>xxx
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Postby Alison » Tue Dec 02, 2003 7:18 pm

Hi again my wise and wonderful friends, thank you so much for your welcome, and to Rachael and Dagny for popping over to post. Thanks too for sharing your stories about buggered tubes - that too makes me feel so much less alone.<br><br>I'm pleased to have survived this first weekend - I don't like having too much time on my hands, and while going through the tmts have always found weekdays easier than weekends as I find work an enjoyable distraction. I did a bit of shopping (for me rather than for Christmas presents, but what the hell!) and DH and I went out on Sunday afternoon for some fresh air. Having got that first weekend out of the way I feel better prepared to cope.<br><br>I'm glad too to have decided what we're doing over Christmas and have told people. I don't know if other people are the same, but its the little things that I seem to stress unduly about. Maybe its that the whole never having children thing is just too big to comprehend, so all the upset about that needs dispersing into what's going to be the best way to spend Christmas that doesn't leave us spending the entire day thinking about the fact that we'd hoped to have a child or at least be PG by now. The friends we're seeing are younger than us, so voluntarily childless at the moment. I'm lucky though to have several childless friends - 2 of my closest friends are divorced after disasterously short and child-free marriages, so I'm not without supportive friends. Its harder for Julian - his three closest friends from university all became fathers this year, and, apart from the people we're seeing at Christmas, all the couples that we're close to (and in the past have had weekends away or even holidays with) now have kids.<br><br>I'm not sure about joining a support group, or doing anything that formal sounding, but Lucy, it would be good to meet up with you (and anyone else on this board who's London based, Grace?). I can't remember, are you working in London at the moment? Perhaps we could meet for a drink or a pizza or something one evening? <br><br>Well, that's enough for me. Keep in touch and let me know how you're doing, Love<br><br>Alison xx
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Postby Grace » Wed Dec 03, 2003 4:30 pm

Hello girls<br><br>Lucy, good to hear from you after your holiday. Are you still getting on with the decorating? I remember you had rather a large job to tackle. It is good to have a project to get stuck into. Although of course it does n't take away any pain it at least gives you some focus.<br>Christmas is a difficult one. I think whatever way you play it is is just a hard time. Personally I know I will throw myself into it, in a way just to get away from the reality of facing up to things.<br>I think that is what I like about the whole season in a way. It is suspended reality. All my family live in Ireland and we are not going there this year but are having Christmas here. We have a few friends coming and some of DH's family. I will be very busy getting ready for that but enjoy that sort of thing so it is okay. <br><br>I think I will find January and the cold hard fact of a new year to face up to alot more tricky.<br>I keep saying things like well I will think about that in the new year etc etc. I am okay at the moment. Some days are difficult and then I feel okay again. I know I am in a state of denial about everything in a way. I am not looking into the future very much or we are not making any real decisions. I think that is okay for now though.<br>Originally I did n't think we would go back for our review at the Lister but we have now decided that we will. Have you decided not to?<br>Alison, I think your idea of meeting up is great. I live and work in Kingston but can easily come up to town one evening. I am sure there are others in the London area who would like to join in too.<br>Perhaps we can sort something out for after Christmas.<br><br>As always thanks for listening girls.<br>Hope everyone is okay.<br>Love<br>Gracexx
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Postby louli » Fri Dec 05, 2003 3:55 pm

Dear Alison,<br>Just wanted to add a few words. I am not quite at the stage of accepting that my fate is to be childless but I often find it easier to post in this side of the board, where I often find help and support especially from Grace and Tracey, Becky and Lucy. I felt so sad for you and do know how it feels. Nick and I are just recovering from the excitement of finally making it to egg collection only to be told that there were no eggs retrieved. Now we may try again or even wait for egg donation but each attempt seems to take a little more of my soul. We have pretty much decided to move to the West country in the Spring so at least we can focus on the things that make us happy, ie fresh air and the seaside, although financially it will be tough!! Meeting up would be a great idea but I don't want to but in! We are in Portsmouth at the mo.<br>Glad that you don't have to stress out with family stuff over Christmas. They say it is important not to have to cope with too many emotionally difficult things. I hope that you do have a happy time and enjoy just loving each other.<br>Take care of yourself and do not expect too much too soon,<br>Sorry if I droned on a bit and Hi! to everyone else,<br>Lou
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