I'm new here. I could use some body to talk to.

Discussion forum for those particularly interested in infertility.
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Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:27 am

I'm new here. I could use some body to talk to.

Post by scrobin » Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:49 am

Hi, my username is scrobin, I'm a twenty-six years old female, and I'm currently a college student majoring in political science. I'm hoping to go to law school and be a lawyer. I'm currently single.

Anyways, about seven years ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression at nineteen, and at the same time my life was falling apart at the seems. Because of being diagnosed with depression I have lost everything I ever cared about, and I have suffered not only from the illness but from the stigma of having a mental illness as well. However, now I'm back in college and getting A's, and doing political active work again and it feels great.

However, one of the things I lost because of my illness that I can never get back is my ability to have children. Both my primary care doctor and my psychiarist say the since my illness is a genetic condition that I have a very good chance of giving it to my baby. Providing the guy I marry doesn't have the same genes I do, about 50%. Plus the strain of the pregnancy would be too much for me, and with the meds I'm on they're not recommended to take when you're pregnant and if I go off of them that would be really bad for my health. On top of that the meds I take have caused me to gain weight and have killed my libedo too.

I feel like I've been robbed of my womanhood.

When I think about not being able to have a baby of my own it devastates me. I always wanted to have a baby. Now I can't. I feel like someone ripped inside my and stole my ovaries and uterus.

Some people think I'm ridiculous to not have a baby because of my genes and think it's no big deal to have a baby with my DNA. How can I not not have a baby? I would be giving any child I would have a debilating disease. I can't and I won't do it.

I try to put the energy that onced had for my dreams of having a baby into my education and career. Still it doesn't take away the void in my heart. I deserve to have a biological healthy baby, but I know I'll never have one.

I know I can adopt and get a donor egg and a surrogate, but I still feel like I've been robbed of my womanhood. When I see a woman whose pregnant and is able to have a healthy child, I envy them.

Plus, I fear no man will ever want me, because of it. Guys only want healthly, pretty, and fertile women.

Anyways, I could use somebody to talk to please.

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Joined: Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:46 am

Post by grace75 » Fri Jun 13, 2008 2:11 am

Hi Scrobin,
I can really empathize with your story. I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), social anxiety and depression, and four years ago also feared getting pregnant for the same reason (that I would pass these horrible illnesses on to my children). I have since learned not to be so frightened of this prospect. I'm managing, after all. And who's to say that it would be an issue with my children or an issue to the degree which I have it? After all, would my mom have chosen not to have me if she knew I would struggle with this? I don't think so. Children get all sorts of illnesses. My nephew has fatal allergies to peanuts, as well as other severe allergies and life-threatening asthma. How he developed it is a medical mystery. But I guarantee my sister would have him again if she had to do it over. There is no such thing as a struggle-free life. Having children is in itself a risk. You only have so much control. The rest is up to God. I understand the fear you have of passing such a painful illness on to someone you love, but my advice to you is not to let the fear prevent you from filling your true heart's desire.

What medication are you taking? I am on Zoloft and if I ever become pregnant will continue to take this medication through pregnancy. I've never had a doctor tell me that I should not become pregnant because I'm taking this med. Look at it this way - there are people who become pregnant every day who are on medication of one sort or another. Diabetes and epilepsy patients come to mind, and they do not stop taking their medication. Are you any different?

By the way, SSRI's are generally considered safe to use during pregnancy (Zoloft being the better of the bunch, as told to me by the director of pharmacology at a state university). If you are not taking an SSRI, could you move over to one when you plan on getting pregnant? Unless the medication you are taking is proven to cause birth defects, I would not hesitate to become pregnant.

I also struggled with the shame of having these disorders for several years. But now, I've learned to accept myself (most days) for who I am, and who God created me to be. Nobody is perfect, and we who suffer with anxiety and depression tend to forget that. We get stuck in all or nothing thinking. That is, everyone around me is normal and perfect, and I am defective and will never measure up. You can see the problem with that kind of thinking. You are forever in the one-down position, and everybody else is on a pedestal that you can never measure up to. My advice: realize those thoughts are traps. You also need a yardstick to measure the reality (or unreality) of these thoughts against. For me, that's the Bible - it keeps me grounded in truth that I know does not change.

I would really take stock of the qualities that you like in yourself and analyze your strengths. You come across as smart, ambitious, motivated, and very caring. That's four good qualities I've counted! But you've already rejected yourself in your post. I think you need to work on accepting yourself as you are. Do you have some close female friends you can share your feelings with?

I know it's hard to see the positives of such painful illnesses, but the saying that character is formed in the midst of trials and suffering is true . I'm sure you have greater compassion for people because of what you have struggled with. And some day, you may be able to help or encourage somebody going through similar circumstances.

Well, that's about all. A little about me: I'm 33 years old and my husband and I have been trying for the last 4 years to get pregnant. It is a very hard road, and is very discouraging from month to month. Please don't shut the door on your dreams. You obviously very strongly desire a child. If in the future there is any possible way for you to have children, then I would resolve to do so.

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