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Heart’s Desire – Finding Strength and Direction from God

Discussion group for all topics related to infertility including preparation for pregnancy, causes, investigation and treatment of infertility.

Postby nicaliw » Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:19 am

Oh Heather, don't give up hope just yet. The first time my hpt was negative until the day before the offical beta. Maybe you are pregnant. Af didn't arrive right?
FET April 18th
1st heartbeat 6w3d 115bpm, 9w2d hb 171bpm
MATTHEW ARRIVED DEC 19TH....8 lbs 9.7 OZ
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Postby kbat » Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:04 am

hrobinson---
I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I too was in the same position that you are in. That's why I decided to try to continue w/ tcm. Up until about a month ago, I was constantly praying/begging that things would turn out differently. However, as time goes by the hurt and disappointment has lessened, and the reality has sunk in that it's not meant to be for me--so while I continue to pray for others that it'll work out, I have decided to move on w/ my life the best I can. I am looking to re-join the work force and will probably do some volunteer work.

I know how it is to be "mad" or disappointed w/ God that I didn't get what I wanted, but ultimely I have determined that He knows best and I can't dwell on something that I can't change. Even when I started tcm, I was optimistic, but I am at the point finally where I am ready to get on w/ my life. Everyone is different when it comes to this. I hope and pray that you find peace.

Good luck to you!!
ME--42 DH 41
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Postby IndieBlue » Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:15 pm

Heather I just wanted to say I know how you feel...but try to keep a PMA until you have your BETA done!!! So many women don't get a BFP on HPT's until after BETA.

I'm too going through that 'mad' disappointment stage right now. And I really really want to know that God wants me to have another baby so I can try to figure out how to cycle again....but right now I'm not getting any signs that his hand would be in this venture so I'm taking a break. I'm concentrating on other things and praying hard that he will see to bring me another study and let me bring another baby in to this world and in to our family.

I pray that he lets us all do that soon :) Praying hard for your BETA tomorrow. I go in for my final visit and I'll be glad when it's over....I keep thinking, maybe I'll go in and she'll see 'something' and redo my BETA and it'll be a miracle....but I know better and it's just better if this whole process comes to an end so I can move on for now.
Me: 34 DH: 37
Tubal Factor IF
1st IVF cycle May/June 2008
Beta #1 6/18 BFN
2nd IVF cycle July 2009
Chemical Pregnancy at 7weeks
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Postby IndieBlue » Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:39 pm

I wanted to add one more thing :)

When we went through our adoption, there were clear signs that God was leading us down that path. No question, that is where he wanted us. We'd get discouraged when we weren't matched with a child we really felt we could raise, and when we'd hit a road block (paperwork lost, paperwork not approved, caseworkers not returning calls until it was too late, doctors letters/physicals needing redone to meet certain requirements..etc), we'd always think...hmmm, maybe God doesn't want it to happen this way.

We had no doubts that God wanted us to do it though....and that made the journey that much more of a miracle for us. When we were matched, it was truly God that did that.....again, absolutely no question!!! These children were placed a month before, with another family and it didn't last 24 hours. During that time, we were redoing some paperwork....so we couldn't be matched at that time. That family brought up some very very important information that ultimately led to the oldest sister being taken out of the sibling group, which put the others in our 'matching criteria'.....as we could not have taken on the oldest sister due to medical reasons, and our homestudy reflected that. So again....everything happened for a very precise reason!

I guess that is why I'm so discouraged right now, because I have felt the hand of God moving me and my family in ways that can only be described as a miracle. When you've felt that, you don't want anything less LOL I haven't felt that with this to the extent I felt it with the adoption....even though I have seen him working through some road blocks during this cycle, through people I've met going through the same thing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God wants you to KNOW without a doubt that he did this! Not man, not the RE alone and not you. He wants you to give him the glory, and no one else. He wants you to remember this 'miracle' when times get hard. When our adopted children started having some issues with attachment, we got through it because we KNEW that God had brought them in to our family....without that we might have doubted everything we'd done to get them home.

So again, just know that God wants his children to be happy. He will do what is best for us and if that includes having a baby....then it'll happen when he's prepared us for that. He's working on all of us, to make us better Christians for his glory! That includes walking through some valley's and some disappointment....but in essence it's shaping and forming us in to who he wants us to be so we can accept those wonderful blessings he has in store for us.

Praying for you all, and praying that we all get our miracles soon :)
Faith
Me: 34 DH: 37
Tubal Factor IF
1st IVF cycle May/June 2008
Beta #1 6/18 BFN
2nd IVF cycle July 2009
Chemical Pregnancy at 7weeks
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Postby nicaliw » Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:13 pm

Faith, thanks for that, it was beautful to read and a good reminder for me of how blessed we are with our children.
FET April 18th
1st heartbeat 6w3d 115bpm, 9w2d hb 171bpm
MATTHEW ARRIVED DEC 19TH....8 lbs 9.7 OZ
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Postby sonu911 » Sun Jun 22, 2008 10:47 pm

Heather - the story is yet not over, I am wishing for you the best for tomorrow. Hang in ...baby!!!

Indie blue - What a beautiful thought, dear. I really appreciate that.
I guess that's the reason why I am also hanging in and trying yet again. Although its difficult to muster strength to stand up for another battle. But the belief that God has best plans for me provides strength.
Whether we like it or not we all are playing in His hands and we are just supposed to do our bit and leave the rest to Him.

I go in for transfer today and I will get to know about the status of my embabies then.

Hugs and love to all
Me,DH-35
3 ICSIs-BFN
FET-BFP/mc@7wks
4#ICSI-BFP
Anay came on 17th FEB, 2009
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Postby kbat » Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:52 pm

I know that God has a plan for all of us. It's just up to us to figure out what that may be. It's difficult to know, but as others have said, things happen for a reason....
It's all in God's time. He's always answered my prayers in some shape or form....
ME--42 DH 41
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Postby Hope644 » Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:51 am

Heather, Indie & Kbat - Praying for each one of you as you face the different stages you are in...

Heather, praying that the beta comes back positive tomorrow - I understand your feelings - my sisters and I have discussed that a lot - I have one sister who is 48 and has no children. She is a pre-school teacher and would love to have just one of her own. Another sister has had 4 miscarriages. When we go through the types of trials that we do, it's easy to get angry. Just remember, God isn't upset with you for feeling angry - but he does want to comfort you and help you through it, so just don't block him out. He does have a perfect plan for you and his timing is impecable. I'm praying for you, sweetie. Take all the time you need (if the news is not good tomorrow) and just know that we're here for you and will continue to pray for you...

Indie - lovely sentiments... thanks so much for sharing. I know when I write like that on the threads, it can be so healing for me... I hope it was for you as well... praying for you sweetie.

Kbat - thank you for your words as well. I'm still praying that the TCM will work for you - but thank you for being such an encouragement, in good times and in bad...

Sonu - many prayers for your transfer tomorrow. I didn't catch the fert report.. did I miss it?? I'll be checking in as soon as I can to see how everything goes. Love & hugs...

hugs to all my other dear sisters out there too... you are all a blessing to me and I am praying for each of you.
IVF 1st-BFN, 2nd-BFP mc 8wk,
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Postby sonu911 » Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:27 pm

I am back home. We transferred 3 grade1 4 celled embabies and we got to freeze 3. Though I was expecting a better fertility report. Anyway, one strong embaby is enough to get me through the other end of the journey.

We got 18 eggs, out of which 9 fertilized and only 6 fertilized well.

Heather - Hope everything is alright at your end. Sending you prayers.

God ...pl help me through this journey successfully this time. My babies in my womb are in Your hands, pl take care of them.
I am placing my complete trust in YOU.

Hugs and prayers for all.
Me,DH-35
3 ICSIs-BFN
FET-BFP/mc@7wks
4#ICSI-BFP
Anay came on 17th FEB, 2009
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Postby IndieBlue » Thu Jun 26, 2008 12:31 pm

Everyone has been so quiet lately :) I'm thinking and praying for you all and just wanted to share our bedtime story from last night :)

We were reading about the blind man that was healed when Jesus placed mud on his eyes. We've read it many times, but last night something jumped out at me.

When asked if the blind man sinned, or if his parent sinned the answer was No....he is blind because he will be used to show the glory of God.

So I asked myself....why did this first cycle not work. I 'only' have tubal factor. Everything went well (except our embryo's were a little slow)...why do I feel that God left me out there alone on this? I can only say that God is working on me and I pray he's able to use me to glorify him through all of this.....maybe another cycle, a miracle...etc.

I just wanted to share, for those of us that feel God is 'punishing' us through IF....we should feel just the opposite. He's preparing us for something greater, that's going to really glorify him. While it's hard to feel blessed by a BFN....I truly think that somehow it's used to help someone else. Whether it helps someone with a BFP feel more blessed by what they've received, or helping someone else with a BFN feel less alone, it can't be for nothing at all.....as everything has a purpose in his plan. He has planned every step of our lives before we were even a speck :)

So anyhow, just thought I'd share and say I was thinking of you all and pray you are doing well :)
Me: 34 DH: 37
Tubal Factor IF
1st IVF cycle May/June 2008
Beta #1 6/18 BFN
2nd IVF cycle July 2009
Chemical Pregnancy at 7weeks
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Postby kbat » Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:28 pm

IndieBlue--
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. It's such a nice story and the thoughts are wonderful.
ME--42 DH 41
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Postby Hope644 » Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:50 am

Indie -

It brings joy to my heart to read your words. I didn't expect to hear from you for a while. I know for each of us, after a BFN, we respond differently and for many, it's just too tough to come back to this site for a while or even much longer. I know it was hard for me to come back after my m/c.

Your words are so true, though... and such a blessing. It is true for IF disappointments as well as every other valley that we go through in life. I know He uses ALL things for his glory - no matter how devistating to us... He will use it. I can tell you that just ONE way that he has used your experience is to write what you wrote to us today. You have reminded us that He will see us through, He *is* there for us. And I want to thank you for that reminder.

It has come to me on a particularly hard day. My sister is going through a rough time and I have received some disturbing news about her today. She isn't in a good situation and I constantly wonder WHY? But I know I must continue to pray for her and that in God's hands, she is in the best place she can be right now. He will use her situation for his glory... and while this has been on-going for some time now, and I'M ready for it to be concluded - His timing is not my timing - He will use her trials and tribulations to bring glory and honor to himself. Though I can't see how right now, I know I must trust His Word that He is faithful and will keep His promises.

Interestingly, she has remained in a Bible study and has kept my IF issues lifted in prayer with her study friends and I know that has helped me tremendously. Will you all please pray for her? She is very sensitive, and is a believer, but she has very low self-esteem and is in a destructive relationship.

Thank you, dear cyber-sister, for your inspiring reminder of God's promise.

Speaking of promises... I saw the most AMAZING rainbow I have EVER seen the other day. I could see the entire thing, from end to end and it was the most brilliant color imaginable. It was like God used neon, high-voltage lights to power it. I could barely keep my mouth closed, staring at it. Oh, I wish I'd had a camera with me! He DOES keep his promises - Praise GOD!

This is the closest image I could find... it's not the full rainbow, from end to it, but the color was this amazing and the double rainbow was there too!

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Postby kbat » Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:35 am

Well, I got the beginnings of AF tonight. I wasn't surprised given my aversion to chocolate lately and the fact that I was feeling a little crampy today.

W/ that being said, I am pretty much giving up--or should I say moving on. I have been resigned to this for a little while. I think I just needed some time before moving on, so I figured I would try tcm, but it's just not working, so I have come to the conclusion that it was not meant to be. I will continue w/ acupuncture until my ovulation date, which is in about 2 weeks--generally around day 14. It is a little disappointing, but not really surprising. It was afterall more of an experiment than anything.

I will continue to check in every so often.

Thanks for everyone's prayers. I will continue to pray for all of you that you get what you are seeking.

God Bless.
Kara
ME--42 DH 41
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Postby IndieBlue » Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:14 pm

Kara, I'm so sorry.....I will be praying for you which really is all I know how to do right now.

I pray that God has something HUGE in store for you and all those negatives just prepared you for what is to come. I pray that you get your BFP soon and that everything fits together after that and you see a reason for all these trials.

I think we've decided to do 1 more cycle, and then move on, but I'm not doing anything until I know that God is leading me. I just can't take another human failure/negative cycle. I dwell on it too much, constantly wondering what went wrong and if it would be different the next time. It's just too much to subject myself to again without knowing that God wants me to go down that road, so again....we'll see what the new year brings :)

I'm sorry again Kara....I wish I could say more :(
Me: 34 DH: 37
Tubal Factor IF
1st IVF cycle May/June 2008
Beta #1 6/18 BFN
2nd IVF cycle July 2009
Chemical Pregnancy at 7weeks
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Postby sonu911 » Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:30 pm

Hey All

Our very active board is very quiet these days. I myself have gathered strength to write here after a long time. Heather, Indieblue and Kara, my heart goes out for you. I wish I could do something to ease your pain. I am sure God has some brilliant plans for you guys, which is waiting to turn into reality. Negatives disappoint and force us to think what went wrong. There seem to be no direction and strength from anywhere. But then we need to keep our belief strong that whatever happens , happens for good. Though till date I haven't understood, why God took away my little miracle away from me last time, what good has it done to me!!?? But still I don't doubt his intentions and pray he has some nice surprise stored for me this time.

After 3 negatives and one miscarriage, I am praying for the cards to turn into my favour this time. I am having some favourable symptoms, but there is no implantation bleeding like last time. I am testing on 8th, so still there's 4 days left for me.

Hope - I am missing you. I hope you are doing absolutely fine with the little one, isn't it time to find out about the sex of the baby. Aren't you going to share it with us?

Mia - Hope you are also doing fine, I guess you had not gone for such a long break to Moldova. Or have you deserted us? :(

Patience is running out in me...though I have decided again to not to POAS. If its destined to happen on 8th, let it be. :)
Me,DH-35
3 ICSIs-BFN
FET-BFP/mc@7wks
4#ICSI-BFP
Anay came on 17th FEB, 2009
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