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Only child (perhaps?) . . . had hoped for a sibling . . .

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Only child (perhaps?) . . . had hoped for a sibling . . .

Postby zoegirl » Wed Oct 29, 2008 1:20 pm

Hi -
I have a beautiful baby boy conceived via IVF and delivered on Oct 07 - just turned 1 year. I developed health issues during the pregnancy which have not gone away and now threaten to prevent me from having another pregnancy . . .

I am the oldest of three and love having sisters. I am sad that my son may be an "only." That said, my two best friends are only children and my high school/college boyfriend was also an ony child and I know there are benefits to being an only child . . . and that they all grew up to be wonderful people.

I have danced around the topic of surrogacy with my sisters but am hesitant to ask them if they would ever consider it. (though, I cherish them and we have a wonderful relationship). My husband is not interested in adoption and we can't afford to have a surrogate through a service (I am told it can cost upwards of $100,000-200,00!). He may have even said that he is not in favor of my sisters carrying a baby . . . we would not need my sisters to donate their eggs.

Is anyone else out there coming to grips with having only one child when they hoped for more?
Me 39, endo, high fsh, DH 41 ("super sperm")
One DS from IVF #1, born 10/23/07
EDD 9/1/11 but of course, we expect them to arrive early
Passed 1st tri screen w/flying colors! Level II went great! Fetal Echo on 5/9/11
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zoegirl
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Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2007 3:08 pm
Location: Delaware, USA

Postby Jackie S » Sat Nov 15, 2008 11:52 am

Hi Zoegirl

I know what you are going through, I am facing the same sadness too.

I got very ill aged 16. Dr's told my parents I wouldn't be able to have children. I didn't care -I was too busy fighting for my life.

I met my husband in 1992 and we were together 13.5 years when our beautiful son Joshua was born. All through the pregnancy I was ill -I was on upto 39 tablets a day throughout the whole of my pregnancy. they said I just needed to reach 27 weeks for a baby to survive ...I managed 38.

Joshua arrived July '05 and my heart is so full of love for him. I still look at him sleeping in disbelief that he is MY son!!! Joshua was born tongue tied, everything else was perfect. Tongue tied usually involves a small op to snip the end.

Joshua's development has been very slow. He is three years old and can't say any words at all. I would give anything to hear 'mummy'.

We went to speech theropy assessment and Joshua has been seen weekly at our home since April. WE saw a paediatrician in July who asked us what do we think is wrong with Joshua, we answered he is tongue tied. She said that is not the problem. She said Joshua needed specialist genetic bloodtests -one of the tablets I was on during pregnancy is very dangerous. It was actually changed because I was told it was safer than the original but it now turns out to be very wrong.

Joshua is autistic. We are waiting for it to be 'officially' his diagnosis but our GP has told me that is what is wrong. Joshua fits the autistic spectrum in everyway. We are just waiting for our appointment which is mid December. We have been waiting since July for answers.

Joshua has been receiving Special Needs help with nursery. It is hard hearing him referred to as disabled, he is so perfect. People have changed the way they treat him BUT Joshua is still Joshua.

Coming back to your post. I desperatly want another child. I have been advised that a) I wouldn't survive another pregnancy and b) the frozen embryos I have were made up when I was on the same meds as Joshua.

I feel so guilty because I want another baby. Joshua is going through such a lot which is putting us all under so much pressure. We always said we would wait two years and then try for another -we even moved to a bigger house. We have six embryos and I can't go through life not knowing is we would have been blessed with them. I feel guilty because I know how hard it was for us to get pregnant and trying that again seems so unfair when we are having to cope with so much. I would love Joshua to have a brother or sister.

All this but the pain doesn't ease. We want another baby but realistically I don't think it will be possible. I feel so much love for Joshua. I am still trying to cope with severe post natel depression - and my husband is so scared it will get even worse. I 'missed' the whole of the first year of Joshua's life with it. So much is against us. I know its selfish of me to feel the way I do. I feel guilty but I also feel like I have let us down as a family for feeling this way.

My husband says as soon as they can sort my health problems (he would rather have no new baby and have me alive than to lose me). He says we can get specialist advice and see what our options are. He wants another baby as much as me. But I am at risk and we have got a disabled little boy who really needs us and that has to come first. He can see how upset it is all making me and knows he can't do anything to help. He is going through all the emotions too.

I don't know if I am making any sense. I just want you to know you are not alone. It is hard and there are no easy answers. It really hurts when people just say 'you should be happy with just one' or 'it isn't meant to be'. Like that is going to make me feel SO much better. My friend has just had her 7th child yet she is the one person who is giving comfort. She says it is ok to want more than one child, it is ok to be upset, it is ok to feel sad. I'm no different to any other mother just because of my situation. If I could get pregnant natually everyone would be pleased we are having another and not making me feel like a bad person who should be grateful to hear their opinion.

But you and I both have beautiful sons and we are proud of them. I know Joshua is the greatest thing I have known and nothing will ever change that. I know deep in my heart that I will come to terms with everything BUT that doesn't help me at the moment. I'm just not at that place yet. In some ways it is harder now than with our first -I KNOW I CAN HAVE A BABY now -I have Joshua.

I wish I could say something that would help you but I don't think I can. I will say though I am here to chat if you ever want to.

Take care

Jackie
Me 36 husband 38. Been together for over 16 years.
2000 -2003 Clomid
Sept - Oct 03 IVF abandoned due to poor response.
Dec -Feb 04 IVF early m/c
Sept -Nov 04 IVF ++++

10 July 2005 -Our precious son Joshua James was born.
Jackie S
Regular
 
Posts: 183
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2003 10:54 am
Location: Warwickshire, England

Postby zoegirl » Mon Nov 17, 2008 1:41 pm

Dear Jackie:
I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you are going thru, but I am glad that you love and enjoy your son so much. It is a hard journey and difficult to reach acceptance . . . I am so glad you replied to me.
I just cancelled my IVF attempt - after all the drugs had arrived and my fSH adn estradiol numbers were really good. I tried to stop my anxiety meds and it triggered a terrible episode of RLS that is so bad that I just couldn't go thru with it. I had to start the meds again and will begin a slow taper. Frustrating as I have stopped the meds before with no problem. I have depression and anxiety and refractory RLS, 24 hours a day. It started in my pregnancy adn by 6 months I was considering suicide. Finaly my psychiatrist gave me some small amt of meds and an antidepressant. The RLS drives me insane without medication. THey said I could take codeine during a pregnancy but the codeine was not working too well. The neurologist has also given hydrocodone and methadone (which is actually category B) to pregnant women with severe RLS but then I and the baby will be addicted and it could be difficult to get off these meds . . . I don't think I could put a baby thru it. I know addicts have methadone and have babies all the time that are healthy, but that is not anyone's first choice on how to have a baby. I am suffering with so much evil sensations and twitching all over my body right now I just don't think I can take it. I am sad for my baby not to have a sibling. My husband also said that he'd rather have me alive and have only one baby than risk my health. We don't have any frozen embryos. He does not want to adopt or ask my sisters to carry a baby for us. My brain keeps going around in circles trying to figure out how to have another baby. I guess some time I will give that up and reach acceptance. I just need to enjoy my son and make as good a life for him as I can, I guess.
I wish you so much luck with Joshua - it sounds like you are doing all the right things fro him. Have you read Jenny McCarthy[s book? There are diets and things that some people beilve can really help autistic children.
I am so glad you have a friend nearby that can help you.
Again, thanks for replying. Let's keep in touch. Post or PM me any time.
All the best,
Zoe
Me 39, endo, high fsh, DH 41 ("super sperm")
One DS from IVF #1, born 10/23/07
EDD 9/1/11 but of course, we expect them to arrive early
Passed 1st tri screen w/flying colors! Level II went great! Fetal Echo on 5/9/11
ImageImage
zoegirl
Regular
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2007 3:08 pm
Location: Delaware, USA

Postby Jackie S » Wed Nov 26, 2008 10:47 pm

Hi Zoe

Thank you for your reply -its so nice to talk to someone who understands.

I have tried to PM you but I am having problems. Please can you email me or PM me your email address so I can contact you directly?

Hope you are ok and hanging in there.

Jackie
Me 36 husband 38. Been together for over 16 years.
2000 -2003 Clomid
Sept - Oct 03 IVF abandoned due to poor response.
Dec -Feb 04 IVF early m/c
Sept -Nov 04 IVF ++++

10 July 2005 -Our precious son Joshua James was born.
Jackie S
Regular
 
Posts: 183
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2003 10:54 am
Location: Warwickshire, England


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