Remembering my Angels

Sara30 · Post by **Sara30** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 10:37 am

I am finally pregnant after 6 years of trying again only to be told on Tuesday that they can't find my little ones heartbeat. I have to wait another week to see if my little one was just too small to detect the heartbeat or if he/she died a week ago. Feeling emotional and upset got me to thinking again about the others I have lost and because they were never born there is no memorial or nowhere they can be mourned so I would like to add them to this board.

Michael was lost to me on 29th December 1994 at 9 weeks, it was a natural pregnancy and he was there with me briefly. His due date came and went and on 18th August 1995 I had a vivid dream of me having a baby boy. We were holding a christening party and everyone was there. We christened him Michael and then I gave him to my grandfather who had passed to look after him in heaven. This gave me some peace as I knew he was with my grandfather. A couple of years later my nephew James had an 'imaginary friend' he played with. His imaginary friend was called Michael, I like to think that was my Michael looking out for his cousin.

Clarissa was lost to me on 9th September 1997 at 7 weeks again a natural pregnancy, she was with me briefly. Around her due date the following may we went to visit my nan. We were sat around the table talking and she said she kept having a dream over and over and that one of the grandchildren was going to be pregnant and it would be a girl. None of the grandchildren were pregnant but my baby would have arrived in that week had she lived. Several years later I went to a group to learn meditation and I had a 'visit' during my meditation of a little girl who called herself Clarissa, I like to think she was my little girl coming to say hello.

Little Beanie never made it through the 2ww but I would like to remember little beanie too.

I know they were only with me a very short time but they were important to me and I loved them as soon as I knew they were there.

I will now wait to see next week if I will get the chance to hold my baby in my arms.

xxxxx

Sara30 · Post by **Sara30** » Wed Dec 17, 2008 3:47 pm

I found out yesterday that our little one stopped growing at 6 weeks, so today I have been into hospital for them to take her away as it could have taken up to 4 or 5 weeks for it to happen naturally and I could not bear to wait for that to happen.

I felt from the start she would be a girl so I am going to think that is so, I also had a name for her right from the start so I am going to call her Grace.

So my angel babies in heaven you have another sister to join you now, look after her for us and one day Grace you might come and visit me in my dreams.

Night night xxxx

children · Post by **children** » Thu Dec 18, 2008 6:30 am

Sara,

So sorry for your recurrent early losses. Have your clinics checked both you n your DH's chromsomes to avoid further mc?

Sara30 · Post by **Sara30** » Thu Dec 18, 2008 4:54 pm

Hi children

Thanks for the advice, my previous losses were during my first marriage 11 and 14 yrs ago using my eggs, we split up and I remarried. This time it was donated eggs from my sister as I have none left due to prem ovarian failure and DH so the only common thing is me carrying them so maybe I have a problem holding on to the pregnancy. We have 4 embryos left and will try again, we will have a chat with our consultant in January and see what he thinks.

children · Post by **children** » Thu Dec 18, 2008 9:29 pm

Hi Sara,

Sorry that I missed your little history attached at your signature file. I just thought it would not hurt before your next cycle to find out that could be the causes of your recurrent losses to avoid further loss. If your REs could rule out the 1) chromosomal problems (I am sure that you know most of them are not inherited); 2) blood clotting issues (could be as hi as 50% among white women)? 3) immune issues; 4) thyroid problem etc... that would make your next cycle more promising! I truly believe that your 4 frozen embryos are very precious, I would not just go ahead transfer them without any kind of assurance of their surviving to term.

We all know that getting pg is not a goal here, getting a live birth is. I feel worse to lose a pg than to have a BFN after each cycle, If you know what I mean.

Wish your next cycle will be a success!

beachbaby · Post by **beachbaby** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 2:19 pm

Hi Sarah, so sorry for your losses, re what children said i feel it's a very good idea to have further tests as my DH and myself ended up having IVF due to male factor and all tests on myself were normal. After suffering 2 early miscarraiges i was referred to the miscarraige clinic for further tests and had clotting/immune/chromosone tests done, none of these are carried out as standard fertility tests in the UK as they are not fertility issues but all cause early loss once pregnant. I was found to have factor V Leiden (clotting) and one baby aspirin a day was added to my protocol, i had another FET and both embryo's took and i have 2 beautiful baby boys, i took aspirin to 34 weeks.
I now know over the years i have been pregnant many times, been late often but all pregnancy tests came back negative. i was very angry that a simple blood test could have saved me years of pain and thousands of pounds. I put my trust in my clinic and had i known there were further tests i could have had, i would have paid for them first off before starting any treatment.
I hope you have success soon, good luck to you.

Sara30 · Post by **Sara30** » Thu Jan 01, 2009 10:07 pm

Hi beachbaby and children for your advice I will certainly ask at the clinic when we go next time I would not even have known to ask these questions and would have just gone ahead with what they advised. You are right children it is staying pregnant that is the goal, once we had acheived it again I did not think for one minute I would lose our baby again as it was all so long ago when I lost my other two children. It has felt worse this time to lose my baby than to have had a bfn it is amazing how many plans you make and how much love you can feel in 3 short weeks.
Thanks again
Lee xx

Sara30 · Post by **Sara30** » Thu Jan 01, 2009 10:21 pm

For my angels

I see you in the twinkling stars
I see you in the rainbow bright
I see you in the desert sands
I see you everywhere my child

I see you in the trickling brook
I see you in the moon at night
I see you in the dew and mist
I see you everywhere my child

I see you in the storms and thunder
I see you in the sunset light
I see you in jack frosts ice
I see you everywhere my child

I see you in the beauty and the wonder
For that is what you would have been
I see you in my minds eye only
For that is where you are for me

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Why me why me you have forsaken
Why me why me oh god above
Why me why me another baby taken
Why me why me you have my love

You had my angels up in heaven
I had my angel here with me
You had my angels one and two
Now you have my angels three

The pain I feel cannot be spoken
The tears I shed of silent sorrow
My spirit however will not be broken
There is always hope on the morrow

Look after my babies for they are precious to me
Watch them grow, be happy, be free
Its your job now not ours to be
Their mother, their father please love them dearly

Take the time my darlings once in a while
To look down on me and see me smile
For when I do please know from the start
I am thinking of you with love in my heart.

Lots of love
Mummy xxxx

Sara30 · Post by **Sara30** » Mon Jan 05, 2009 4:34 pm

There has been a rose bloomed on my rose bush yesterday that I planted in the summer in rememberance of my lost babies. The bloom is very tiny and not quite in full bloom just like my baby Grace. It is freezing here with snow and ice so I would say the rose bloom is a little miracle.

Hello baby, you have come to visit us in our garden, thankyou xxxxxxxx

bdantonio · Post by **bdantonio** » Tue Jan 06, 2009 2:14 pm

sara keep positive I know that is hard. I did fertility treatments for 6 yrs. I have been pregnate 7 times and lost 5 pregnacies i did have two sucess stories. I have lost a total of 6 children 1 of my pregnacies were a set of twins. I lost 1 preganacy early in the 1st trimeser the rest were all second trimester.. I know how hard it can be. If you need to talk i am here

Sara30 · Post by **Sara30** » Mon Jul 27, 2009 10:42 am

For my angel baby,

Today is the day you would have been due, but my arms are empty and my heart aches with sorrow instead of laughter and joy.

These 9 months have gone very fast and this day has been speeding towards us, its the last milestone of our journey and I want it to be celebrated because we would have been celebrating had you arrived safely in our arms.

The rose bush we bought in memory of our angels has had beautiful blooms on it for the last couple of months now and when we look at it we think of you.

Grace Freya would have been our beautiful baby girl, you touched our lives briefly but you meant so much, and will never be forgotton, go play with your brother and sister now and know we love you very much even though we never met you.

Happy Birthday darling
All our love
Mummy and daddy xxxxxxxxx

Sara30 · Post by **Sara30** » Sun Aug 08, 2010 8:58 pm

We have some joyful news and it seems so right as it has come right around when my baby Grace would have had her first birthday, we have finally after months of uncertainty been given the wonderful news that we can adopt the little girl who has been living with us for the last year. it is all so exciting in our family and it feels so special to finally be called mummy.

I wanted to add this post to this part of my story because my babies will never be forgotton and I will always love them, we also have had a happy ending amongst all the heartache we have experienced.

My life is now complete xxxx

Sara30 · Post by **Sara30** » Sat Dec 24, 2011 12:34 am

It has been 3 years since I lost my baby girl and quite a while since I have visited this site, but my heart still aches. I order flowers every year at this time from the same flower shop to have a memorial to my lost children and I went in this year to get my flowers and they knew straight away what I wanted without me even asking, I felt so looked after. My sister has just announced she is expecting her second baby and though I feel sad I also feel excited and happy for her, my life will never be what I expected it to be but it is good, and I have my daughter whose adoption will finally go through at the beginning of next year, there is a whole in my heart which will never be filled and no-one can understand that except you on this site who have desperately wanted children but were never able to have them, another year passes but my babies are always in my heart xx

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