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My story

Postby sophie_rashid » Fri Mar 26, 2004 11:23 am

Hi , i've always viewed the boards but never registered but after seeing this new forum i just had to . After many years of infertility , traipsing back and forth to consultants i was lucky to get pregnant on my first icsi attempt in Apr 02 , all was ok , i was diagnosed with gestational diabetes but that was under control and i had regular scans . They still decided to induce me earlier and gave me a date of 16th Jan 03 to come in . The weekend before i felt no mvts and went to hospital where a scan showed no heartbeat , i was given tablets and came back to hospital 2 days later on the day that i would have been induced to give birth , i still cry when i think of that time ,the baby was delivered on 16th jan 03 and looked perfect , the tests that we allowed showed no problems - they said diabeted cld be a factor but thats a guess ,at the time could not face full post mortem on the baby.Not knowing why is the hardest thing , most of the time i have dealt with it by shutting off my emotions although if i read any of these posts i am in tears .I then had another ICSI attempt in Jan 04 and was lucky to get pregnant with twins i am now 9 weeks , however i am absolutly terrified and dont think i will ever enjoy this time as i am so scared ................regards

sophie
36 yrs old, PCOS no ovulation
1st ICSI Apr 02 but baby girl stillborn Jan 03 at 38 wks
2nd ICSI +ve 22nd Feb 04 - twins ( so scared )
sophie_rashid
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Postby Tracey S » Fri Mar 26, 2004 11:41 am

Sophie

Thank you for sharing your story and how touching and sad - they are all sad in different ways don't you think?

Dagny will be thrilled that you have posted especially on this board after not feeling able to elsewhere - we were hoping this forum might just help in exactly that way!

Congratulations on being pg - I know myself what a worry it is - you will never relax I am afraid but do try and take some time to enjoy it - it is such a shame to fight to get there and then not.......... We bit the bullet and had a postmortem which gave us some answers - ie not genetic - it was congential and he had several things wrong with him but not sure which one it was that led to his death - probably a mixture. Oliver died at around 18 weeks - they are not sure as he was dead by our 20 wk scan but we had heard a heartbeat at 17wks plus.

I am 20 weeks pg today with twins and still feel that something vile is going to happen - I am not growing etc etc and the movement I am getting is the uterus contracting. This and they tell me it is unlucky to happen again especially to both but even so.......... I know what worry you must be going through and with no answers from last time....
Sophie thankyou for your story and good luck with your pg - stay in touch if you feel you can
Love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
Tracey S
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Postby sophie_rashid » Fri Mar 26, 2004 11:52 am

thanks tracey , often i find i cant really talk to my friends as they dont understand , or they dont mention it at all but i dont want them to ignore what happened. To add to everything i'd left getting anything for the baby until the end so when i got home the cot and nursery furniture was delivered on that day ..awful....luckily our friends took care of returning everything , this time i am thinking i will not buy 1 thing until my babies are safe and sound at home , my sister lives in the states and she is always going to baby showers , the thought of any planning ahead or preparation totally freaks me out but then i think i shouldnt be too negative either ...sophie X
36 yrs old, PCOS no ovulation
1st ICSI Apr 02 but baby girl stillborn Jan 03 at 38 wks
2nd ICSI +ve 22nd Feb 04 - twins ( so scared )
sophie_rashid
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Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2004 11:11 am

Postby Dagny » Fri Mar 26, 2004 12:24 pm

Hi Sophie

Welcome to the site and thankyou for sharing your sad story. It is so much more distressing when after going through fertility treatment and all the trials and tribulations that go with it that we have to go through losing the baby too. I really can't understand how some of us have drawn such a short straw.

Many congratulations as well on your pregnancy and I can fully understand that you must be feeling scared. Have the doctors said that it is unlikely to happen again? That is my worst fear that IF I ever got PG again that it all goes the same way. My baby, Katelyn had a serious heart defect which would have needed immediate surgery at birth but we never got to that stage as she came prematurely at 23+5 weeks because of an infection in my uterus. I have been told it is very unlikely to happen again but I will always be worried. It is onle natural I suppose.

Did you name your baby? How were the hospital staff, were they compassionate and did they take photos and give you keepsakes? It can all help with the grieving process. My midwives were fantastic and I can't fault them at all.

Do keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on.

Be strong.

Love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
Dagny
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Postby Tracey S » Fri Mar 26, 2004 12:26 pm

Sophie

We had bought bits and pieces and then bought Oliver's cot and stuff the day before the scan and then bam the news....... We decided to keep the cot and all the other stuff - I put it away in a wardrobe and it is now out again. I was determined that if I was ever lucky enough to be pg again then I would not go out and buy - the thing is I have now decided fate does not work like that and we have bought - there is quite a collection I can tell you! We have held off on the cot etc until after this scan next week. The nursery is done though - we had started it and had to finish it as it looked daft being pink with some yellow paint in it!
I understand totally how you feel - you must do what is right for you. I just reckoned for me buying stuff was and is all part and parcel of being pg so did not want to miss out if this makes sense. I have days - loads infact where I worry that I have all this stuff and it could all go wrong but still..........
HAve a nice weekend and take each day as it comes.
Love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
Tracey S
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Postby sophie_rashid » Fri Mar 26, 2004 1:28 pm

dagny,tracey , as no reason was found for the stillbirth , there are really no extra tests that would be done this time except i will be monitored even more and delivered early as possible latest at 36 weeks (everything being well) and i have said that i cant go thru natural birth for 2 reasons;1) fear of something going wrong and 2) had slipped disc in my back after the delivery which was very long and am still suffering with it . I have already been booked in early at the antenatal clinic at the hospital and will not be seeing my gp at all in the pregnancy only the consultants , they are keeping an eye on my sugar levels as i am not diabetic now but it just appeared at ~20 weeks in the last pregnancy , they have also prescribed baby aspirin and i think there will be an extra foetal heart scan at 20 weeks . The hospital ( st marys paddington ) were really good , the midwives were wonderful so caring ,i had added complications where i had to go into theatre to have placenta manually removed !. Some midwives rang me afterwards when i was at home to see how i was ,I was given a seperate room after delivery away from the main postnatal ward . but to be honest sometimes i felt i was just watching all this from afar and it was not really happening . later i made appt to see a counseller but to be honest didnt really feel that helped so only saw her once , going to see her at the hospital was worst as it was first time i had been back after the delivery . Going back last week was like 'groundhog day' going through the same things again , i clouldnt try again until i had lost weight and regulated my sugar levels etc which is why i didnt try again until Jan 04 , but i clouldnt imagine not trying again

sophie xxx
36 yrs old, PCOS no ovulation
1st ICSI Apr 02 but baby girl stillborn Jan 03 at 38 wks
2nd ICSI +ve 22nd Feb 04 - twins ( so scared )
sophie_rashid
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Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2004 11:11 am

Postby Dagny » Fri Mar 26, 2004 1:46 pm

Hi Sophie

I am so glad you are going to be monitored a lot during the pregnancy. My consultant said when I get PG again that I will be monitored every step of the way which made me feel better about trying again.

I think I would opt for c-section as I would be worried about complications in natural birth. I've been told I have the option.

Were you worried going through the treatment again? You have to be relaxed and focused during treatment but I know I will be a nervous wreck. I just want to get on and do it but a big part of me is petrified too. I am really scared that I will never fall PG again but if I do get PG again I will be really scared too.

It is hard going back to the hospital isn't it? I had to go back to get some clothes for Katelyn to be buried in and the room where I delivered her was just round the corner. It was awful. Then we had to go back and see our consultant for a follow up and it was in the same place as the antenatal clinic with lots of glowing PG women looking happy and oblivious to my pain. Typical!

Love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
Dagny
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Location: Redhill, Surrey

Postby Tracey S » Fri Mar 26, 2004 3:08 pm

Dagny

We must have been posting to sophie at the same time - how spooky! That is why my message does not mention you the 2nd time - sorry!

Sophie and DAgny - you will both be scared for different and similar reasons - I am! Dagny you have both Sophie and I on here who are both pg again and I can cite you loads of others that it has happened to too! The thing is you feel you will never get pg again in a way or daren't hope more like it - even though deep down you know you have a good chance becuase you have already been pg! You just darne't think you might be lucky again if that makes sense and then you do get lucky and there is just so much to lose especially as you already know what it is like to be pg and lose it all. Hope I am making sense. For me I had to go on - not to replace Oliver as he is my special boy and my first child and always will be but so as not for it all to have been in vain. I still spend time now and am getting woried that this jiggly feeling is not them moving but the uterus contracting like before. I am monitored every 2 weeks and to be honest in the ideal world liked the idea of a natural birth - have done that now and am glad that with twins you get more chance of saying it needs to be a C section! With all of us they have said we were unluck - dam right we were and the chances of it happening again....... blah blah blah but it does not make it any easier. Life is full of these decisions I reckon and my way through them is take a deep breath and try - that why I can't regret the things I have not done.
Love to you both
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
Tracey S
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Postby sophie_rashid » Fri Mar 26, 2004 3:37 pm

dagny,tracey - It was really hard at the time as my sister who lived down the road was expecting in Mar 03 , luckily for me they moved to the states in jan 03 because i dont think i could have coped with that situation , she has 3 girls . I started treatment again a whole year later which does make a difference in the way you feel , the emotions are not so raw , i still ache inside but i was able to shut myself off and just focus on the treatment i just took it a day at a time without allowing myself to think ahead , work have been really good about time off during treatment and have said i can work at home as long as i need to .I am not able to pick up a baby since last year , and having a large family of in laws there have been many births and i have not been to see anyone who has had a baby until a few months later .i dont know if i something happened now whether i could go through this again as the time after implantation has been the most stressful and it feels as if i have been pregnant for 6 months not 9 weeks ..sophie
36 yrs old, PCOS no ovulation
1st ICSI Apr 02 but baby girl stillborn Jan 03 at 38 wks
2nd ICSI +ve 22nd Feb 04 - twins ( so scared )
sophie_rashid
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Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2004 11:11 am

Postby Tracey S » Fri Mar 26, 2004 4:11 pm

Sophie

it all sounds very normal - I started quickly - 3 months. Everone is different. I found myself glaring at pg women and even fat men who happened to look pg - how mad is that?

And as for babies - there were 5 of use in the village who were all pg - I could not face the babies at all though of the 5 3 of us had tragedies - one died at 32 wks with the cord round the neck and one lived but died 2 days later - they think it was lack of blood sugars! and then Oliver - always makes me panic.
The pg - well goes so slowly doesn't it as you want to fast forward it all to get past the bad bits - I do!
Try and enjoy it if not now then in a few weeks when things might be a bit more settled
Love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
Tracey S
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Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2003 7:48 am
Location: Lincs

Postby Dagny » Sun Mar 28, 2004 7:18 pm

Hi Tracey and Sophie

I have just got back from a lovely quiet weekend away with David in Chichester. It ia nice to be somewhere where no one knows us and we can be normal. We spent a lot of the time just relaxing and having a quiet cry thinking of what might have been. So many plans and hopes gone out the window. I just wish we had been given a chance to help her. We will never know if her heart op would have been successful - maybe she was saved from going through such an ordeal. I would have liked to have been given a chance to know though.

I feel I need to start again as soon as I can as my need for a baby is so strong. I need Katelyn but I can't have her which is killing me. I can never feel that she will be replaced she was my beautiful daughter and always will be. I havegot a number of friends who are PG. One was 6 weeks ahead of me and we see eachother all the time our babies would have been best buddies growing up together but now it's a distant dream. My other friend I met at the hospital when we were really sick just after ET. She was a week behind me and expecting twins (one of each), we referred to our babies as 'Bookers Babies'. Our consultant is Mr Booker and we owed it all to him. Davids cousins wife is expecting her baby 2 days before Katelyn's due date and another friend of ours girlfriend was 3 weeks ahead of me, so we have a nightmare ahead of us with those births when they happen.

Tracey - you were not mad when you see fat men as when I see them too I think 'I want to look like that!' I get really angry when I see any PG women smoking. I feel like punching their lights out! It makes me so bloody angry. I will be thinking of you all day on the 1st when you have your scan. I will be crossing eveything physically possible for you.

Sophie - when is your next scan? Keep us informed.

I am so nervous about starting tmt again and I don't think I will be at all relaxed but I will be trying everything in my power to stay positive.

Hope you both had a good weekend.

Love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
Dagny
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Posts: 1661
Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2003 3:43 pm
Location: Redhill, Surrey

Postby sophie_rashid » Tue Mar 30, 2004 9:43 am

dagny , nice to hear you had a good weekend , we went on holiday about two months after the birth , we went to the far east , although i had such a bad back my mobility was restricted , but it had been booked and it was nice to get away from it all . I was off work until August as i was entitled to the leave and i needed my back to recover . I kept thinking i should do something different with my time off but really i couldnt work up the enthusiasm to do anything else .I noticed in one of your emails that when you went back to see the consultants you had to see them in the antenatal clinic , at st marys the consultants arranged an appointmnet time so that i would not have to see them in the antenatal clinic but in a different building. I had a scan last week , the last one at the ivf clinic and all okay so far , I do not need to go back there now . I have an antenatal appt this week..take care sophie
36 yrs old, PCOS no ovulation
1st ICSI Apr 02 but baby girl stillborn Jan 03 at 38 wks
2nd ICSI +ve 22nd Feb 04 - twins ( so scared )
sophie_rashid
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Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2004 11:11 am

Postby Tracey S » Tue Mar 30, 2004 9:53 am

Hi you two
How annoying not getting on yesterday - it's not even as if I caught up with work either - oops!

Dagny - glad the weekend was alright and I know you are surrounded by pg women then babies - it must be dreadful - it's like everyone is pg but you! Try and not get too involved if you can - hopefully you will be pg again soon and Katelyn will look after you. I know what you mean about her heart op but you can't do anything about it now and I know and she knows you would have tried everything just for her to be ok but you never had the chance - think of it as nature being cruel to be kind - how dreadful would you feel if you had seen her suffer? Awful I know you would! You will get pg again and as I said in my email we are all here to support you - especially me.
Sophie - glad the last scan was fine - fingers crossed for the next
Love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
Tracey S
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Posts: 2175
Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2003 7:48 am
Location: Lincs

Postby Dagny » Tue Mar 30, 2004 12:40 pm

Hi Sophie

When I went to my follow up it was in the same place as the antenatal and the antenatal clinic should have finished hours before but it had run over which is why there were PG women there. I agree though that the Gynae clinic should be in a different place altogether.

I want to do something constructive some days and other days I find it hard to do anything. I have no enthusiasm either and feel tired all the time. I go to Katelyn's grave everyday which gets me out even if it is just for a short time. I had to walk there yesterday as my car is in for repair as I broke it on Friday :oops: - at least it was a nice sunny day. The rabbits had done their worst again!!!!! :twisted:

So glad your scan went well the other day. The worry never stops does it?

Hello Tracey - I have posted on the other thread. How do you feel about Traci being in the 1000's???? You gotta catch up girlie 8)

Take care both of you.

Love Dagny xkx :wink:
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
Dagny
Valued Contributor
 
Posts: 1661
Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2003 3:43 pm
Location: Redhill, Surrey

Postby Tracey S » Tue Mar 30, 2004 2:55 pm

Dagny

Sorry to hear your car is at the car hospital still - what is wrong - did they say? and those pesky rabbits

CAtch up with Traci - I have overtaken her girl - no flies on me - must do some work though!

Love
Tracey
xxx
PS Sophie you are quiet today - working?
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
Tracey S
Valued Contributor
 
Posts: 2175
Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2003 7:48 am
Location: Lincs


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