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Oh my....pretty freaked

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Oh my....pretty freaked

Postby ARae » Thu Sep 24, 2009 4:44 am

Intro.... mom (43) of one.... two year old girl. Ok...I am having a pitty party for myself...I hope its the hormones. I cannot tell if coming or going..feel so wishy washy. Just went thru necessary estrogen tablets to heal after septate surgery than the progesterone. Stopped all this to get period so they can do a check on my uterus to ensure septate surgery was successful. Now want me to go back on birthcontrol for 5 days starting Sun. So this means septate review will not happen until done with this so all is being pushed back w/ starting ivf full blown consultation than shots. I hate the waiting game. I am a mom of one....and soooooo blessed to have her. She is my life...hate to say it but true. I feel so connected to her....we lost 4 very early in pregnancy before her. ...we have named each soul. We than lost one after her as well. I am as mentioned lost at times......feel life is all about trying to prepare to expand family and what journeys we have been on. All natural w/ daughter...but the ups and downs w/ each losses take a toll no matter how far along one is and it is losing oneself. I additonally lost my mom who was there for me w/ every loss and with my pregnancy even though in Iowa and I am in Illinois. She died 11 days after my daughter was born from cancer. Again...another part of me is missing. Not sure how many parts have left... my daughter is repairing many pieces but just do not feel like myself anymore. We recently got a dog...great dog but he gets on my nerves. He tried to nip at my daughter and this put him in the "doghouse" with me. He did bite my husband for taking food away from him...me I was top dog so he did not think about biting me. He respects me and likes me...but I feel I have limited patience w/ him and that is not fair to him...so we are giving him back to original owner. And... I feel horrible. Who is not a dog person...what is wrong with me? I know I am rambling...but does help to put feelings down in writing. I also feel since all our losses that I have not kept up w/ friends....lost several in the journey. Life has and continues to revolve around wanting more children. I pray that God's will ... will be mine and I continue to want another little one so bad. So I can't help but feel this is his will. I also called my priest to see if this is the right thing to do....he never called back. So I feel this is the direction we are to take. I am sorry for the pitty party....just needed to release.
Anita
ARae
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