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Happy Easter

Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.

Happy Easter

Postby Grace » Wed Apr 07, 2004 2:33 pm

Hello girls

Just thought I would pop in to wish you all a very happy Easter.
How is everyone doing? I do think of you all often and hope all is going well for everyone.
We are planning a fairely quiet Easter, some nice walks and plenty of chocolate munching for me.
Hope all is going well for you Amanda? Hope Ruby is n't wearing you out too much with all those walks.
Take care all of you and will chat again soon.
Love
Gracexx
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Postby Alison » Tue Apr 13, 2004 5:59 pm

Hi Grace - good to hear from you. Hope you've had a good break. We visited relatives over the actual bank holiday weekend - my brother and Julian's family - but are off work this week and enjoying having a doing nothing sort of time.

I think my period of being "in denial" about never having children is coming to an end, and suddenly all the emotions that I seem to have been reasonably successfully managing to bury for the last 3-4 months have come bubbling up to the surface - not like me at all! The main thing I'm feeling is this incredible anger ("why me?") - like PMT but 10 times worse, and seemingly the whole month through! DH has borne the brunt of it, poor sod, and it has at least kicked us off talking about how we're feeling again (even though most of these conversations start off as rows!). I think I might have said when we were out that I was sort of waiting for some sort of reaction, and its probably a good sign that its here. We're also thinking again that in the Autumn we might give it "one last go", although I'm really not sure about that. I do feel I've moved on from the despair I felt at times before Christmas, and the idea of going back there is not a happy one. I really will phone the clinic some time soon though for my follow up appointment!

So, Amanda, Jen, Lou - how's things going with your tmts (and your lives!)? Grace, what about you? And Lucy, I'm hoping that if you're around less now its because you feel you're moving on with life (and not because on the second meeting you decided you couldn't stand us!)

Other than that, there's not much new to report. Plans for the summer are going fine (although still in that vague, unbooked sense!), and the lighter evenings and improving weather always cheer me up - contrary to what the rest of this email may suggest! Anyway, hope you're OK, and do keep in touch.

Much love

Alison xx
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Postby Grace » Tue Apr 13, 2004 8:29 pm

Hi Alison
Good to hear from you. I can really understand your feelings of anger, in a way it is probably a good thing that it is coming out Alison. The way I look at it is that we can not possibly bury such deep and devasting feelings that really reach the very core of us. I like you feel I am denial alot of the time ... most of the time I manage to put it at the back of my head somwhere, at the same time as always being with me if you know what I mean. Sometimes I think yes I can do this we can have a happy and fulfilled life without children ( I do truly believe this) Yet another part of me cannot let go of our ultimate dream. I then get to thinking am I completely mad, can I possibly go through all of this again???? Have I turned into and IVF junkie??
It is all so very difficult. Sometimes I look back at my first couple of attempts and think just how naive I was, how we were so full of hope so sure it would work. It's just not fair is it? I think why me too? Why any of us?

I know what you mean about the lighter days, they are cheering me me up too. I do get moments of tremendous anger though. I think there will be a part of me which is always angry but I am hoping it will lessen.
We are talking about another cycle too. I am very sceptical though and not looking at it in a positive way. We are going to go away for two weeks at the end of May. Maybe after a restful break away from everything I will feel different about all of it.

I think it is a good thing you did n't rush into your follow up appointment you will know when you feel up to it. I know how hard it is to face yet another appointment at the clinic and there comes a time when you feel I have heard it all before.

I am envious of your long break though Alison. I think it will be fantastic for you both just having time together and relaxing it will be so wonderful, and I think it will be really healing too.

Hoping all the other girls are okay too. I think Luce said she was going away around Easter. She is probably busy motoring around it that new posh car of hers!!!!! Wondering about everyone's treatmeants too??

I am off to Irealnd for a few days early next week. Can't wait to see my Mum and everyone it has been ages. In the meantime will be thinking of you Alison I really do know what it is like!! let's chat again very soon.
Love
Gracexxxx
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Postby luce » Fri May 07, 2004 4:50 pm

Hi Grace and Alison (and the other girlies)

I have been popping in to read posts and have meant to post many times since we last met but have struggled to be positive and supportive and haven't wanted to just come on and moan....however, now here I am.

I'm afraid to say that my wheels have fallen off a little recently too. As Alison says, all those feelings I have been burying since the last failure and our subsequent decision have finally raised their head (must be the time of year) To be honest girls, as I'm sure you could tell, we both threw ourselves into many things that brought short term happiness, and as predicted when all the short term goals were achieved and the presents to ourselves were given, it all became a lot harder.

I can't really put my finger on when it all happened - although it did coincide with going back to work 3 days a week instead of 2, which I have found really hard. For a couple of weeks I found myself stressed to the eyeballs, tearful and irrational - really not like me (apart from for one day a month with PMT!!) I can remember one night just bawling my eyes out in bed with Pete who, bless him, didn't quite know what was happening.

Like you both say, most of the time I manage to parcel up the emotion, stick it in a pigeonhole in my head and get on with things, and then something comes along that opens that pigeonhole, and I look inside and think "Oh shit, yep, that's still there and it still hurts" so I carefully try to close it again. It's crap isn't it? I'm going through one of those phases where everywhere there are little children, and everywhere there are reminders....surely this is just a blip and that I'll get back to being the pragmatic person I was before???

I do still believe we made the right decision, which is a good thing I know. I also know, as Grace says, that it is possible to have a fulfilling life without children. However, there are times when it all seems impossibly hard and I feel so isolated from 'normal' society, and so alone. I still don't talk about my feelings with anyone other than you ladies and of course Pete as I feel like none of our friends/family truly understand or can sympathise. And I guess that's why it's lonely, because I feel like I can't share.

Oh enough of this wallowing, it's not attractive and I don't like to do it. On a positive note, we finally got the car on the day before Good Friday, and promptly flew to Stockholm the next day where we spent the weekend with uni friends, all of whom are voluntarily childless. The car is a hoot, although seems to have inconvenienced my family as I can no longer ferry them around. Shame.

Grace - how was Ireland? And where are you off to later this month?
Alison - any more ideas for your trip?

And where are Louli and Rachael up to? I haven't ventured onto the other board in a long long time as I certainly don't belong there now!

Sorry for coming on and being a miserable cow, but it does help to let it out to people who I trust and who I know know how it feels. Am sure that this is just a low period and that it will be followed shortly by a happier time. Thanks for listening and for being there.

Love
Luce
xxxx
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Postby Grace » Fri May 07, 2004 5:51 pm

Hello Luce

I am so glad you have written. I have been thinking of you and did n't want to put a specific post here for you because I thought you might need a break away from all of this. Luce, don't worry about having a moan, goodness we all need it and as you say it so hard sometimes to know where we can turn too. I feel like that too. I don't like to go on and on about it to Rod as after all these years I feel like he has heard it all millions of times. He is so good, and I just feel guilty dumping everything on him and that goes for family and friends too.
You have displayed such strength Luce over the last few months but I think no matter how hard we try the sadness we feel comes out. like I said before it is only natural that we should get times like this. I honestly think that yes the pain might lessen, as we go on but it will always be there like a bit of a hidden scar for as long as we live.
It is crap just as you say!! I know what you mean about kids being everywhere. It seems to go in waves sometimes I don't seem to mind and then sometimes it really gets to me.
Anyway, I think you should have a moan anytime you like!
I have n't been posting much but do check in most days. I have been wondering about the other girls too and their various treatmeants.

I had a lovely time in Irealnd. I really enjoyed spending time with my nephews this time. They are two and four now. The day my sister told me she was pregnant with the first one was probably one of my very low points. I really enjoy them now although it does bring home how much we are missing. However, when they get a bit naughty or tiresome I must admit seeing the other side of it too!!!!

We are off to Greece on 23rd the Pelion Pennisula on the mainland. Sounds pretty remote but we quite like that. I am really looking forward to just not doing much. Want to read a few books, swim a bit and of course eat and drink and not alot more.

Maybe we could meet when I get back. Not sure when Alison is off on her travels? pretty soon I think.
I know sometimes it is just too hard to write but just keep in your mind that you are n't alone and we really do understand. My e-mail address is
ghedont@blueyonder.co.uk, feel free to mail me if you ever fancy a chat.

Oh by the way the car sounds great! I think you are very mean not to have thought of your family though(tut,tut)

You and Pete have a nice weekend together.

With love

Gracexxxx
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Postby Alison » Fri May 07, 2004 10:39 pm

Grace, Luce - how lovely to hear from you again. I'm sorry to hear that things have been rough for you too - although selfishly I have to say that reading your posts and knowing we're going through similar things is one of the few times when I feel as if the emotions that I am going through might be vaguely normal, given the situation that we're all in!!

Like Grace I really envy and admire your strength Luce in making a decision and sticking to it. I feel genuinely torn about whether to go for it again or not. I may have said this before, in which case apologies (I do feel like I'm going round in circles on this!) but most of the time I feel so much more positive about life generally than I did 5 months ago that I can't imagine going back into cycles of tmt. And then I get caught up in the fantasies of "but what if it worked....?" I'd love to know how Jen, Lou and Amanda are getting on - ARE YOU STILL THERE?! Also, I'd forgotten that the one thing I hate about this time of year is when the sun comes out and people wear less and suddenly its just so obvious just how many pregnant women there are all over the place! I did though finally bite the bullet and phone the ARGC for a follow up appoitnment. Spoke to Julie who was as lovely as ever, but must admit that when I was put on hold and heard that music I felt very sick! Appointment is at the end of the month - I wanted it to be well before we go away for our travels.

Talking of which.... we've booked as much as we're going to book before we go. We leave on 2 July, and the plan is to have 2 weeks in France, 2 weeks in Italy, 2 weeks in Greece, and then spend a week or so travelling back (we're taking our car - sadly not as flash a car as Luce's!) By the way Grace, you'll love the Pelion peninsular - we had sailing holiday in that area and it was lovely, really relaxed and unspoilt.

I'd be really keen on meeting up again when Grace gets back from Greece, although I'm afraid it will really need to be an evening for me again next time (or a weekend day) as all my leave is going to be used on my trip!

I also know what you both mean about not knowing what to write. I feel a bit that nothing's new to say, and also that if I'm really trying to move on I should stop loitering round an IVF board - but your support has meant so much over the last few months especially that I'm very loathe to lose touch - so please don't disappear completely however sporadically you post!

Much love

Alison xx
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