lowly old reserves

Discussion forum for patients diagnosed with reduced ovarian reserve or those who responded poorly to ovarian stimulation.
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lowly old reserves

Post by ttcx5y » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:25 pm


New here. We've been trying to conceive for many years now. We did IVF in 2005... with scant eggs retrieved. They were only able to salvage 6, 4 of which were deemed acceptable for implantation via ICSI. Costly venture that produced nothing. They did not even recommend trying to retrieve eggs from me again. All of this news at the beginning of December. To this day, I can't even bring myself to celebrate Christmas because it is a bleak reminder every year.

My previous marriage, my ex promised me children, then as the years went on, he had every excuse under the sun as to why he didn't want children and had changed his mind. When excuses began to run thin, he then began verbally, emotionally and mentally abusing me... telling me on a daily basis that I would be a horrible mother... as a result I began to beat myself up and agree with him. I finally after 9 years of marriage gathered some courage around me and ended it with him.... but not without the scars of the emotional and verbal abuse still haunting me to this day.

My now hubby is the sweetest loving man, and he and I began the journey immediately after we got married. That was 7 long years ago. He first had to have a vasectomy reversal (he has 2 adult children). He was terrified, but did it for me. A year later, we immersed ourselves into the IVF expensive torture... and failing that, years of acupuncture, herbs, egg timers, etc, I now look bleakly at the future. The IVF Clinic said our only options were to get an egg donor and go through the expensive ordeal again... with a 60-70% change of it ever working. I don't know if I could live through failure of implantation again...I would probably just want to die.

THEN to make matters worse, I discovered that my ex and his young wife (20 years younger), are PREGNANT!!!! He tried to explain to me that he just didn't want to go through another divorce, so gave in.... then asked if I can forgive him.....how do you think I feel after all years of emotional abuse and begging for a baby !?!??!? I want to tell him when hell freezes over. :twisted:

Feeling very depressed as the days draw closer to when their baby is due (December) and Christmas around the bend.

Anyhow, just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

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Re: lowly old reserves

Post by margi26 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:58 am


I am so sorry to hear your story. What a difficult time you have had. You clearly are such a strong woman! First, to leave that abusive marriage. And then, to survive such a long infertility/IVF ordeal. Hold your head up high! You are clearly amazing.

I am sorry that you haven't yet been blessed with a child. I know how painful that is--I don't know your specific pain, but I know how it is once you finally find your soul mate, to have challenges in completing that union with a child. I don't know the specifics of your issues--but there are lots of paths to parenthood....I hope that one is realized for you.

60-70% is pretty good odds, I'd say! Would this be your first try with donor eggs? As you can see from my signature, my journey hasn't been as long as yours, but I have had quite a time. The first cycle nearly killed me--literally. I was in and out of the hospital for 7 weeks with severe OHSS, then C-Diff on top of it--only to find out that my pregnancy was ectopic. Twins that were in my tube and in my ovary. How on earth could that happen with IVF? I'll never fully understand. And then-despite being treated with methotrexate, my tube ruptured. I could have bled to death--I was so weak and had just been discharged from the hospital. Then after 10 months to recover, we tried again--at a very insensitive clinic I had a negative result, and then a miscarriage at 9 weeks. It has been a hard journey and one that few of my friends and family can understand. They say the most insensitive things--but mean well.

Whatever path you choose to take--IVF with donor eggs, IVF with your own eggs, adoption, surrogate, there are lots of paths to parenthood....I truly hope that you are soon blessed. Continue to be strong. And hold onto that sweet loving man whatever you do. Don't let this pain affect your marriage.

And forget about that brut of a 1st husband....oooow I wish I could tell him a thing or two! :twisted: Bullying you and then turning around and pretending that he "had" to give in? Give me a break! The man is a total idiot! Don't let him and his wife get you down...actually, she is likely quite miserable with him would be my guess. You are so much better for putting him to the curb and moving on with your life.

I know that the holidays bring such a mixture of emotions. But try to focus on the positive spirit and joy in all the wonderful gifts that you have. Your loving husband for one.

You will find this board to be filled with the strongest, most supportive women. I don't think I would have the strength or courage to try IUI (going "backwards" or as my last clinic said, "0% chance") without them. They convinced me after my "last" try with IVF to find another clinic and have a consultation before I gave up. I am so glad I did. In 10 days I will know if this cycle is the cycle for me.

And I am full of hope!! Please join us!!

Sending you positive energy. I hope I didn't say anything to offend. I am sending all of this with love.
Me: 44, endo. & 1 tube due to rupture
DH 36 fine
IVF#1 double ectopic/severe OHSS 12/08
IVF#3 BFP-->m/c
IUI#1, #2, and #3, 2010 BFN
IVF#4-2/11 HPT=BFP 11dpo; 13dpo=240! 15dpo=653, 20dpo=5522,3/29=u/s-1sac1yolk 4/4=2 HBs!

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Re: lowly old reserves

Post by ttcx5y » Tue Oct 26, 2010 3:20 pm

Thanks Margi26

We even tried adopting, and they sent us this young flippant thing who smugly told us she was just off of maternity and that she had a beautiful baby boy!!!!!! What kind of adoption agency would send a couple who has gone through torture an ignorant flippant thing who has never even experienced life and its tribulations? Needless to say, she did not recommend us because she said we had too much emotional baggage!!!! If she had gone through what we have gone through in our lives and previous marriages, she would commend us for having survived our lives. My husband had a horrible childhood with an alcoholic father... did she take that into account????

Anyhow, I've been crying for days :cry: , so thank you for your kind words of support. We went to a support group, but they were only at the initial stages of infertility and none of them having even gone through IVF yet. We did not feel much better after going to that group.

I have tentatively suggested to my husband that we try AI, as they cannot explain my infertility (normal periods). My husband's sperm developed antibodies so they don't swim properly; a common outcome after a vasectomy. I am letting him mull this over. If we could get pregnant with sperm donation... even at my age, this nightmare of a journey would have a beautiful fulfilling outcome.

I know I sound bitter... and I am trying every day to keep my head up and look at the positives. As the years go by, it becomes more and more difficult, and this year especially has been made more nightmarish with my ex's pending delivery. I sometimes wonder why life is so cruel and why God has been so quiet and distant. I pray but to no avail it seems.

Thanks again Margi.

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Re: lowly old reserves

Post by chrisbaby » Sat Oct 30, 2010 9:55 am

hang in there.....you sound like such a stong person that has been through so much...at times the world does not seem fair..l look around and it seems that everyone is pregnant...it is so easy for them (ie my twin sister who doesnt want kids announced she was preg two weeks ago - that was a very low blow!!) why is it so hard for us?

i feel for you as you dont seem to know what the actual problem is...at least with me i know it was my lifestyle for the last 15 years (over exercise, too skinny, not enough minerals and vitamins and fattty acids - body has stopped working apparantly - we are hoping this is reversable but a year in, and i am not reacting to the IVF as expected...what does that mean??? i am on 450 the highest FSH allowable (so i am told) and l pull 4 eggs..what is that..a friend of mine pulled 19 and is now preg!!) all i can say is that you are not alone...

think about the positive things in your life - like a loving DH - some people dont have that so you are lucky in that sence....
(probably doesnt help...but l am trying!!)

i keep thinking that at least l found my sole mate, and have 2 beautiful labradors that love me unconditionally....thats more than some people...

good luck - my thoughts are with you

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