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Why?

Forum for those who have lost their babies through miscarriage, neonatal or stillbirth.

Why?

Postby ydgg » Tue Jul 06, 2004 12:19 pm

My Dh and I were in yesterday for an ammnio, when the MD discovered an inactive and underdeveloped fetus at 15 weeks! The little one never made it past 13 weeks - just when it was almost a sure thing!

Isn't nature cruel? After 6-8-10 weeks, it would have been easier to take, but after seeing the last healthy ultrasound with a live, kicking baby, this was the biggest disappointment of my life.

I'm turning 40 this fall and have PCOS, so getting and maintaining pg is a challenge, and we were so close!

How, praytell does one deal with such a blow?

help! :(
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Postby Tracey S » Tue Jul 06, 2004 1:59 pm

Firstly I wanted to say how sorry I am and also to say I know that sorry just does not cut it! You will see from my signature at the bottom that we too have been through it when our son Oliver was pronounced dead at the 20 wk scan last year. We had gone thro all the scans with no problems - felt him move etc and the midwife had got a heartbeat 10 days before going in. Our whole life came crashing in - I have been ttc for 12 years and am 38 in a week or so. Dh has two young children from his first marriage so for me the whole world just stopped turning and I felt more cheated as it was IVF and had already had an ectopic and had blocked tubes - with only one tube remaining that was clipped.

The only way to get through it I am afraid to say is little steps. You will grieve desperately for weeks - some longer and each thing is a monumental task. I found taking a shower some days was all I could manage and used to congratulate myself on that. STick together and don't apportion blame - it is nobody's fault and life is shit quite honestly. Talk as much as you can about it and draw strength and support from where you can. Time removes you from the pain in its intensity but time will never heal - you always have the scar. In time I hope you find the strength to move on and try again as I refused to be kicked when I was down and went on to have tmt and am currently 34.4 wks pg with twins. I feel so blessed yet not a day goes by when I don't feel cheated that my precious Oliver was taken away from us.
Thinking of you both....
Love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
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Postby ogr1 » Tue Jul 06, 2004 9:08 pm

my heart and soul goes out to you and your dh.
the next year will be hard. but remeber that ivf was hard so you are not a quiter you are a fighter so when life getsdark and you dont think that you can stand a nother second remember that you did have a miracle and that you are not alone.we are all here for you . tracey is a very wise woman. take her advise.
poems prayers family and friends and god is what has helped me.
at times i thought i could not breath any more and that how could anyone ever understand. but go threw and read back from the children have been taken up to haven. there is alot of help there. i wish someone would have thouoght of babies loved and lost before.
i my first mc was 22 years ago. i have never for gotten my first and the first year was the hardest. i dont have anything to remember him by, ecept for what is in my heart. with my twins and our son moses we have lots of photos thanks to ivf and the once a wk scans..
i am so thank ful for that.
here are some poems that have been sent to me that have helped me
A HEART OF GOLD

A heart of gold stopped beating,
Two wonderful eyes are at rest,
God broke our hearts
To prove to us
He takes only the best.

God knew you had to leave us,
But you did not go alone;
For part of us went with you
The day He took you home.

To some you are forgotten,
To some a part of the past,
But to those who loved and lost you,
Your memory will always last

I'm going to tell you something
I hope you'll never have to know
I'll tell you how a heart can break
And tears can constant flow.
I lost my baby boy you see,
An angel in my eyes
God chose to take his hand one day
And led him to the skies.
But please do not forget my child
He was a person too
And forever he will live
Inside of me and you.
So, please don't ever tell me
That time will heal my pain
Because not even time
Can bring him back again.
Just tell me he is happy
In that land way up above
He's snuggled in an angel's wings
All wrapped in mommy's love.

I closed my eyes and prayed to God today,
I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say,
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God can you be a Mother when your baby’s not with you?,
“Yes you can!”, he replied with confidence in his voice,
“I give many women babies, when they leave its not their choice,
Some I send for a lifetime and others just for a day,
And some I send to fill your womb but there’s no need to stay.”
I don’t understand this God, I want my baby here,
He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say,
“We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
my mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quick. My mommy set me free,
I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday,
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home and this is where they’ll stay,
They’ll wait for you with me until your lesson is through,
And on that day that you come Home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you have so much of, right from the very start.

These arms of mine are still empty,
It's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden,
The heartache and the tears.

I am waiting for you, sweet angel
To bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife,
Now I want so much a mother's role.

My life doesn't seem complete.
You are not there to hold.
I big piece of my life is missing,
Your destiny is yet untold.

I see you in my dreams, baby.
Ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Mommy's blue eyes,
And your daddy's ears and nose.

When my eyes are closed I think,
Will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass
Before all my dreams come true?

Will I ever know the joy
Of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories
And tucking you in tight?

Will I ever be able to comfort you
When you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better
At the tender age of three?

Can I watch you graduate
And drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing
And teach you to play ball.

Will you make me a grandma
When I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life,
I would be blessed in every way.

So why have I been left behind
When I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world
If you could only come to live.

Will my turn ever come?
I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers
Is all I seem to find.

I go home every night
And fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening
In my big empty nest.

I guess God has a plan for me
And I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life
He hasn't made quite clear.

I pray for you llittle one.
Everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready
To hold you forever dear.

You would never go without.
We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven
Sent from up above.



Posted by Woppa

my e-mail is ogr@direcway.com
i am usaly always here.
i am just headed out the dorr to get flowers for my sons grave.
please know how much you are loved and that you are never alone and when you start to feel that you are alone get ahold of some one.
woppa (elilane) tracy me dagny traci there are just so many that are here just please let us know
all my love becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby Dagny » Wed Jul 07, 2004 12:44 pm

Hi there

I am so, so sorry to read your very sad post. There are no words that will make you feel any better right now as you are trying to come to terms with your loss and make sense of the cruel twist of fate. As if you haven't been through enough already you then have to face this.

If only someone could give us that guarantee that everything will be OK when you get pregnant. But it will never happen and we are at the hands of fate.

Losing your baby at any stage is just devastating and I know only too well the anger and pain that you must be feeling right now. There are no rules to help you through this but time is a great healer. It is still very raw for you now and there will be many questions you will want answered by your doctors as to why this has happened. Be prepared however to accept that there may be no explanation and it will be hard to take. I really hope you find out why and hopefully you will get the chance again to be a Mummy.

You baby was a miracle and very special and loved so try to hang on to that. My life has taken a huge bashing but I hope I have become a stronger person through losing Katelyn and can face the rest of my life without regret. I feel lucky to have got pregnant and at least I know I can do it. So can you and one day your hopes and dreams will come true.

Hang on in there and feel free to chat to us at any time. We have all been there and can sympathise, empathise and fully understand how you feel.

My thoughts are with you and your DH.

Love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
Dagny
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Postby elaine uk » Thu Jul 15, 2004 5:19 pm

Hi there

so sorry to read your sad news

We too lost our baby this year. I was 16 weeks and the membranes ruputured.

No-one can truley understand how hard it is. The scale of emotions runs from being unable to concieve to being so high when you are pregnant to reaching rock bottom with the devasting news you have to deal with it all.

the advise available on this site is a great help. You may not need it now but in the coming weeks it may just help you through, Small steps and time are what Tracey S advices and thats what helped me through.

Take care and be strong

Elaine
x
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thanxs for the support

Postby ydgg » Wed Jul 21, 2004 6:26 am

Ladies,

Your kind and wise words have made all the difference in difficult times - thanks again!

Yvonne
ydgg
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