i once read an article that described infertility as a 'heartbreaking condition'. i do not suffer from infertility physically, i suffer from it because my husband is infertile. i could never put my finger on where this dianosis was hurting me so much until reading this, a broken heart is definately a major symtom.
i am new to furums and have been suffering in silence for almost 2 years until today. i would like to share our story in hope that it gives other people support and to hopefully find fellow bloggers who can relate.
at 20 i felt like i must be the youngest person doing IVF in australia. currently 21 i still feel this way. for me everything in life happened early. puberty started early, boyfriends started early, i started my relationship with my husband at 15. although early marriage was the last thing i would have predicted in my life, at 18 i thought i'd be hitting the clubs for the first time, by the time i got there i was over clubbing and the absolute love of my life whom i had not parted from since we met 3 years earlier proposed, so i was engaged. we spent the next 2 years working hard and building a house to cater for the growing family we planned to have, one after the other consequetively, about 3 or 4 kids we thought, and hey see how we go, maybe we'll even get to 6! we've got so much time to raise a family ahead of us we thought, starting now, lets begin making our very own crazy kid cult! so we started trying for number 1, about the time we got married when i had just turned 20 and my husband just 23. we have always been slim, fit, healthy, and got even healthier when trying to concieve, i drank nothing but green tea. to our suprise, despite health and youth, month after month it simply didnt work! in this time my husbands twin brother and his wife fell pregnant from sitting in the same room. being very similar twins, we couldnt work out why on earth it happened so easily for them when we were getting nothing. in my mind i jumped to the worse possible solution, we were infertile, or more likely, i was infertile. i jumped straight into testing despite our families attempts to tell me to be patient for once and to fricking calm down. Unfortunatly 'i told you so' wasnt so gratifying for me when i was told by a doctor while my husband was working, that the love of my life, my childhood sweetheart, my perfect man whose children i had imagined having and had already fallen in love with before their existence, was infertile. so at 20 i was in an IVF clinic with very confused doctors and nurses about the birth date on my file, i even got asked by a medical student in the clinic "what degree i was doing placement there for, was it nursing or medicine?" i was actually there to pick up my injections, an awkward situation to explain to a uni student the same age as me. i feel like i cant relate to really anyone. i have a group of friends who are married with babies, but like i said, they all fell pregnant from sitting in the same room, i have other friends who think im crazy to think about babies before the age of 40, but man i am glad i didnt listen to them. so its hard to fit in anywhere aside our baby friends who are sympathetic but cannot truly understand the loss, greif and saddness infertility brings.
it was a terrible way to start a marriage, but you cant help what life throws at you. we dived head first into IVF the day after we found out and have not stopped since, so far, that to just doesnt seem to work. we are currently beginning our 2nd hormone cycle after loosing 6 embryos from the first. we hope for better luck this time. after the depression i experinced last time i want to talk to people who actually understand what im going though now, rather than just inconsiderate family members who can often make things worse. i hope that if we roll the dice enough times, eventually we will get the right number, hence my name. i feel it is my calling to continue IVF for as long as it takes. i have been blessed with this knowledge of our infertility at a young age rather than finding out too late. i have been blessed to be born in this modern era with IVF available, i often imagine my life in the 1950's, it never would have happened and we would never have known why. my husband is the most wonderful man i have ever known and he would make the most wonderful father. i need to do everything i can to have our children while i have the chance or i will never forgive myself. i will dedicate years to having a child, and years more to hopefully having more through our only chance with ICSI. i've already lost 1 1/2 years of my life to depression and sickness from IVF drugs, i just want to be able to fall pregnant with my first child soon so i can start enjoying what i want more than anything, to be a mother.
if my story helped you, moved you, or you are experiencing anything similar, please respond, i would love to hear your story to.