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sorry - this is a long one...

Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.

sorry - this is a long one...

Postby Kat » Sat Sep 11, 2004 6:02 pm

I have tried to post on this side for a few days but each time I get too upset.
I had my follow up at the hospital after my last EC with no eggs. They advise me not to try again. I have had 6 attempts and always responded poorly to the tmt. They told me my only option now is donor eggs which would be a 25-30% chance of having a baby. How do I decide what to do? I refuse to believe I will never have a baby. Every month I think maybe it happened naturally this time but if I don't respond to tmt do I have any eggs of my own at all? They don't know, the hormone levels say that I ovulate but the doctors can't tell me if there are actually any eggs there. They say I might have an egg some months or I might not. I feel angry at myself for not being normal. Is that why I have never got pregnant before the IVF, because I have no eggs? DH sperm is OK, sometimes good, sometimes not so good, and they have always called our infertility unexplained. Maybe no eggs is the explanation.
I have lost over a stone in weight and I have started eating much better, fresh fruit & veg and organic food, I have started acuncture too, I really thought it all might make a difference, I have read a lot of stories of it helping.
Work has been OK as I have been busy and it takes my mind off the whole IVF thing but as soon as I am on my own and start thinking, I start to cry. DH is away till Monday night, how do I tell him all our dreams have gone? He will be in such a good mood after his week away and I will spoil it all. How do I now this won't change our relationship? That frightens me. While I was having tmt there was still hope to cling to. Part of me thinks I couldn't go with donor eggs, I feel too tired of the whole thing to even contemplate it. Am I just taking the easier option - if I don't try I won't fail?
I'm sorry I have gone on a bit, I'm not expecting any answers really, I feel a bit better having told 'someone' I suppose.
On a positive note I have had a major tidy up around the house to take my mind off things, and went to the travel agent to get a load of holiday brochures. Although of course in the back of my mind is that little devil saying 'if you book a holiday maybe you'll get pregnant, stranger things have happened'.
Kat xx
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Postby ogr1 » Sun Sep 12, 2004 6:14 am

first off you are far from going crazy.
and you are defently not the only person that thinks this way.

i have hoped for 22 years that i would just wake up one mornig and be pregnant. i pray for it all of the time. and i dont have any tubes and my eggs are old and hubbys sperm has gotten old to!!!
so there isnt any chance of it happening but i still hope. still a bit sad when my period comes.

my husband has been great threw everything. he has been amazing.
i know what has helped us is trying to talk with each other and trying our best to be honest with one another.
we have talked about adopting a baby but we had already adopted to of our teenage boys and had promised to adopt another onebut had to wait a year after our mc. so this droped us on the list. we also felt that we couldnt adopt a baby with having 8 boys in our home with out adopting them first. so that has closed that door. but every time i hear of a teenage girl pregnant or someone not wanting there baby i think maybe that was ment for us.

and who nows maybe we are all CRAZY.
becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby Traci » Sun Sep 12, 2004 3:23 pm

Kat
I can really sympathise with you on this score as I have the same thing wrong , I too have been told I ovulate but when I had ICSI with my own eggs I got 5 the first time 4 good enough to use then two made it grade a's they were put back Negetive result , the next cycle was tough as there were at first only 1 follicle and after ranting and raving at them telling them that they were not going to abandon the cycle I was allowd to go another 4 days and hey got 4 eggs , 3 fertilised and 2 grade a's put back again a negative result , after that my clinic said that I wasnt allowd to go again for my own eggs , how gutting was that , the only way was donor so my cousin donated for me but after all she only got me 7 eggs 4 fertilised and put 3 grade 3's back in my opinion worse grades then my own!!! anyway negative yet again , I tried acupuncture and this was fantastic for getting me calm and my FSH went to 3.8 instead of 23 which was my last count but when the consultant examind me I had 2 cysts this is probably why I had the low reading!!! anyway out of the blue I was called to say that a donor egg sharer needed me to help her share so I went for it , this was loads more stressfull then just getting a batch given and have now decided not to go through that again as I ended up with 5 eggs 2 good enough to use and both fertilised and 1 grade 2 and 1 grade 3 put back again another negative . I have now decided to get fit and get healthy and try again next year for the last and final go then thats it!!!
Have you conciderd donor embryo at least you know that it came from a batch that was successfull and it will be defrost and bung in less complicated , I think of it like a cake mix in a box but you bake it yourself!!!! anyway {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}] I am sure DH wont think that you are inadiquat at all you are in this together and as long as you do lots of talking and cuddleing and spend lots of time together as a couple you will be ok , good on you for getting a holiday , I go on mine on friday to Mexico and cant wait .

Becky you are barmy what do you mean !!!!
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Postby ogr1 » Sun Sep 12, 2004 8:42 pm

what can i say i hadnt had any sleep and i was posting all over the place :!:

and what the heck is barmy
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm

Postby Jjj » Sun Sep 12, 2004 10:30 pm

Hi Kat, seems like there are a few of us in the same boat. I too, am a poor responder to the drugs with ivf treatments. On my first cycle i produced just one egg :shock: i could not believe it, i never ever expected that, cycle was abandoned. Second cycle, they trebled the drugs i produced five follies but three grade A collected :roll: but they did not fertilise. Third cycle i used a different clinic where it was completely natural and they just collected the one egg during the cycle :cry: and that did not fertilise. During all that time i found this site and yes like you i tried to post but i cried too, i felt inadequate, we all have these natural negative feelings at time, it is hard to let go of that too. Believe me kat, i still battle with it. The main reason is because :x i cannot take no for an answer. It is something in me that doesnt want to leave, so i started posting on this site and keeping up with the threads as best i can. The support is always here if you need it at anytime. I have had a two year break, God knows where the time went but over the next few months i am going to cycle again, but am going to try something different. I am going to try this Zita West book, i always believe in diet etc, our own hormones always work better if we are a healthy weight. I too had lost weight through worry, but have gained it better and taken up swimming for the past year........ :lol: i am rambling on now...... what i am trying to say is give it time, look at your options coz we do have them. I am going to go on the donor list as there is sometimes a two year weight but in the meantime i will still try other things. Me 36 Dh 38
Hope that makes sense, Jjj x
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Postby Grace » Mon Sep 13, 2004 2:29 pm

Dear Kat
Sorry you are having a hard time of it. It is all just so very difficult and as you say yourself there are no answers as such.
I agree with Jjj in that it is always a good idea to just take some time out and try and pull yourself away from all of it for a while. I know this is hard as treatmeants etc begin to take over our lives and I know I have found at times that I did n't really recognise myself any longer.

On a practical level I wondered would it be worth getting a second opinion and talking to another clinic. They all have their own ideas and some clinics seem to take a special interest in "non-straightforward" cases.
Maybe different drugs or a completly different protocol might help. It must be difficult when you have n't got any real answeres as such.

I think we all feel angry with ourselves at times Kat, in my opinion it is all part of the process. As far as your relationship goes with DH, yes, I think infertility does change it and there are many ups and dowsns along the way. On a positive note though most of us seem to be blessed with veryspecial realationships. I think all of this grief can often make a deeper bond between us. As the other girls said just try and talk it out together and I have always felt great comfort, in the love and fantastic support I have with my DH.

The main thing Kat is that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Don't feel isolated or alone or different because many of us are in or have been in similar place. Even, as Becky says we are all a bit mad!!!!

As you know I have been through alot of treatmeant myself. I have been encouraged to try again but am finding the whole idea of another cycle difficult to say the least so am taking time out with a view to maybe another cycle when I feel I can. Some days I feel I can't do it anymore and I should try to appreciate what I have but it is difficult to close the door finally.

I have gone on a bit but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your husband. Please let us know how you are.
Love
Gracexx
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Postby ogr1 » Mon Sep 13, 2004 7:17 pm

excellent words girls :!: :!: :!:
good to hear from you grace!!!!!!!!
becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
ogr1
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Posts: 4301
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm

Postby Kat » Tue Sep 14, 2004 4:52 pm

Hi, thanks to all of you for your replies. I had a quick look at websites for clinics about donor eggs, the Bridge (where I had ET before) said it would be about £7,500 (Becky that's about $10,000) for a donor egg cycle so that sent me off crying again. Seems outrageous especially as of course no guarantee of success - Traci is it cheaper up your way? also saw the law says that one of my sisters is too old to donate (37) and the other may be the right age (31) but has no children of her own so that would be a problem. Which leaves unknown donor, or embryos. Grace were you at the Lister? I think they do non-straightforward cases don't they?
I think I really do need some time out to think (not too much as I feel time is ticking away as I am 40 next year) and spend time with DH - I can't get my head round it quite yet. I'll keep you posted with what happens.
lots of love
Kat xx
PS Becky - barmy means crazy - like all of us maybe!
Me & DH both 41
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
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Postby ogr1 » Tue Sep 14, 2004 9:09 pm

thank you for letting me know what barmy was
and yes i dont think that there is any doubt that we are all

crazy


from what i was told at my clinic that donated embies is the cheapest way to go. you are not paying for the donors meds or on her schedulae.
(that is spelled wrong sorry)

does anyone know what the side effects are after doing ivf with the meds and stuff.
i am now going threw menapause AGAIN.. which really sucks.
i hate the hot flashes.
:D
becky
i have not been able to drop any weight. granted i havent been working on it that hard but i have been putting in a little effort..

jjj just got the book that some have been talking about , she said that some of the info she knew but some was a bit different, maybe that might help some..


good luck to you all
and glad that i am not the only crazy one :D
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
ogr1
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Posts: 4301
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm

Postby Alison » Sat Sep 18, 2004 12:38 pm

Hi Kat, I'm not sure I've much to add to all the wise words that have already been written, but I know how you feel about being faced with the possibility that this is never going to work for you, and it is the hardest thing to deal with. I think one thing you have to try hard to believe is that this is not your fault. Acupuncture, healthy eating and all that can I think be really positive things when you're going through a cycle because it helps you feel that you are doing something, when the medical side of it all can feel pretty disempowering. But I think its really a psychological difference - I'm not sure at the end of the day it really affects the outcome, and you certainly shouldn't feel that the fact that it hasn't worked for you so far is your fault. This is easy to say I know - and from someone who's spent much time beating herself up about "if I'd taken more time out during the 2ww, if I hadn't had that glass of wine (or 2)...."

I can understand that deciding to take some time out must be difficult when you can hear the clock ticking, but would thoroughly recommend it. I squeezed in 6 cycles and 2 ops on my tubes within less than 2 years - having gone through that its not surprising I was a little barmy! I haven't had any tmt since my last cycle failed before Christmas last year, and am starting to feel a bit more normal (although obviously not completely so). You may not want to hang about that long, but I'd really suggest giving yourself at least a month off and not make any decisions about what to do next.

I have a horrible feeling that this is sounding like a lecture - sorry if it is. You look after yourself and keep in touch, love

Alison xx
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Postby ogr1 » Sat Sep 25, 2004 5:52 pm

i think that we all need to give ourselves a great big hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

we are all great women
:!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!:
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
ogr1
Board Veteran
 
Posts: 4301
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm


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