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where's the sun gone?!

Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.

where's the sun gone?!

Postby Alison » Mon Aug 23, 2004 10:33 am

Morning ladies - yes I'm back home, wondering what's happened to the blue skies and sunshine that I've been enjoying for the last 7 weeks. I want to go back to Greece! We had an absolutely amazing time, although I must admit that at the moment it feels slightly unreal - I must go and get the photoes developed. The places we went to were very special, but the most important thing was actually spending time together - I think Julian and I tried to deal with the whole IVF failure thing in very different ways over the last six months - I threw myself into work and socialising, wheras Julian withdrew a bit, which meant we spent very little time together. Relying on one another for 7 weeks for everything from navigating foreign motorways to entertainment reminded us both I think that we make a great team.

I did check in on you once while we were away. Jen, I am so sorry about your last cycle. I hope you have/had a great time in South Carolina and that you're doing OK. Amanda, I'm glad that the wedding went off well, but empathise entirely with your worries about how you'll feel if and when your sister gets pregnant. As Grace and Luce have said, nieces and nephews are a joy but also a constant reminder. Mine are 4 and 2 now, and I'm finding it gets easier as they get older. It was though something of a shock when I spoke to my brother yesterday to find that they're now expecting a third. And I know that my brother would have worried about telling me, and how I'd react, and that reminded me too that I'm different to all the other people they'll tell that Jo's pregnant who can just be pleased and excited with no mixed emotions.

We had pretty much decided even before going away that we'd use our frozen embyros, so I will probably call the clinic when next AF is due to see what to do - like you Amanda, they were talking about monitoring me for a month first. I must admit that just writing that about going back makes me feel slightly sick, although a frozen cycle is nothing like as bad as a full one.

Well, that's me - waffled on for quite long enough! Look forward to hearing from you. Much love

Alison xx
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Postby ogr1 » Mon Aug 23, 2004 10:36 pm

glad you made it back and that you had such a good time.
ivf is hard on everyone :!:

wish you the best for you fet :!: :!:
becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby Grace » Wed Aug 25, 2004 8:55 pm

Hi Alison
Welcome back, I am sure it must be really weird being home after seven weeks, bad enough after two. Delighted you had such a happy time together, it is so easy to go into our own little worlds during and after ivf. I can imagine a trip like that makes you really realise the importance of just being together and enjoying one another's company it is so easy to get caught up in every day life.
I think it is always a bit of a shock hearing about another pregnancy as far as I see no matter how happy you are for the person it is always bitter sweet and often just plain difficult. I think it is only now that I am really enjoying my nephews looking back although I put on a brave face when they were born it was really only an act and I was really torn up inside.
I have just been to Irealnd and really had a good time with my two nephews and the rest of the family too. I am feeling pretty good about things at the moment. Did have a wobbly day in Ireland when my cousin brought her two day old daughter to a family party. Later that night, did have a bit of a crying session and why could n't have been me sort of feelings but luckily I felt okay about it since then. I think people are becoming more accepting of my situation now and are less "careful" around me. I don't know how to explain it but I really don't want to be treated with kid gloves or want people feeling eternally sorry for us. Maybe it is not other people but rather that slowly am beginning to feel I am accepting and even enjoying life as it is.

I have kept putting off another cycle all year. Like you Alison I feel almost sick at the very thought of ringing the clinic. I hate the thought of sitting in that place again and feeling that sort of desperate feeling in my tummy. I feel okay now and know how long it took me to pick myself up after the last time am not sure if I can do it again just yet but on the other hand the clock is ticking very loudly and really it has to now(ish) or never!! ...so difficult. Glad that you are going ahead with your frozen embryos Alison. I know you said you would anyway, but I am sure you feel alot stronger about it after the break. I really do empathise with you about starting up again though...it just does n't get any easier does it?
Well as usual have gone on a bit!! hoping we can all meet up soon.
I am a bit busy for the first couple of weeks in September but after that pretty okay. What about the 23rd or 30th September both are Thursdays?just an idea to get us thinking.

Hope all the other girls are well and enjoying the summer or the rainy season really. Can't believe it is almost September!!! where is the year going?? Let me know what everyone thinks about a meet up and we can sort something out.
Love to all
Gracex
Gracexxx
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Postby Amanda A » Sat Sep 18, 2004 10:52 am

Hi Alison & Grace & anyone else looking in!

Alison, it's lovely to have you back on the site and I am so glad that you and Julian had a good time. It's great to hear that you got on so well together because all the stress of ivf can really effect our relationships can't it and they are so important at the moment especially.

I can understand your very mixed feelings about going back for another cycle. I guess having frozen ones kind of makes you feel that you have unfinished business there.

Grace, glad that you had a good time in Ireland, apart from the 2 day old baby episode which I would have found very very difficult too. Something about them when they are so so young.

It sounds very positive to me that you say that at times you feel a kind of acceptance about all this, even enjoyment of your life as it is. At the moment I keep thinking that I feel very resigned about it all, maybe acceptance will be the next step?!

I understand completely about the risks of having another cycle and possibly having to pick up all those pieces up again. It's such a difficult decision to make when you feel that you have made progress with getting life back on track a bit.

We started another cycle in July, quite a drawn out one because I had a month of monitoring beforehand. We did ICSI & PGD again and I test on Wednesday. Again I only had one to put back and I think it was slightly on the slow side of what would be ideal, so I am not holding out much hope, I know I should try and send positive vibes to it and all but I feel past all that!!!

If we get to Wednesday and find that it is a negative we will for the first time be at a point were we had said that that would be our last go and that is preying heavily on my mind.

I am sitting in our study at the moment looking out of the window at the walnut tree in our front garden, which has a couple of squirrels hoping about on it pinching walnuts that they go and bury in our garden for the Winter! Each year the walnuts fall off the tree and Darren goes and picks them all up in a bucket and I watch him everytime and think that he should have a little person helping him do that. Do you ever look at your other halfs and imagine things like that? I think that these are the little dreams/ thoughts that I find most hurtful and difficult to deal with.

Well, had better sign off as I think I have rambled a bit!

Love to you all, Amanda x
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Postby Alison » Sat Sep 18, 2004 12:23 pm

Amanda, Grace, and anyone else who's around - hi! Sorry I've been around so little since I've been back. While I was away over the summer they seem to have had a crackdown at work about internet use and it seems that my access to the site has been blocked, and as people at work don't know about my situation I really don't want to start having a converation with the IT department about why I want to log on to a site called IVF-infertility!

I hadn't realised Amanda that you'd got so far along with your cycle - how horrible to be on the 2ww again! I'm really hoping that its good news for you on Wednesday, but realise that even a positive result will be only the start of the worrying for you. Its a lovely image of Darren having a little helper with the walnuts - I hope that comes true for you. Try not to worry too much about what happens next if this cycle doesn't work out - just take one day at a time whatever the news on Wednesday.

Grace, your post does sound very positive - I'm so pleased for you. It would be lovely to meet up again. Thursdays aren't ideal for me as I usually play squash that day (my one bit of exercise!). Any other days of the week good for you? If not I'll miss a squash night.

As for me, am back at the ARGC for a monitored cycle. Its been OK going back there and I've booked to do acupuncture again. But I found out last week that my boss is leaving and I'm likely to be asked to take on some of his work, which could be a huge opportunity for me career wise, so we've decided to delay the cycle til after Christmas. And I don't feel remotely disappointed - just a sense of relief, which makes me wonder whether I really want to do this again at all!

Anyway, enough from me, much love

Alison xx
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Postby Grace » Tue Sep 21, 2004 3:21 pm

Amanda
Just want you to know that I am thinking of you during these days and very special thoughts with you for tomorrow.
I know exactly what you mean about your dh and how unfair it all is, sometimes that seems almost the worst part of it ... thinking what a wonderful father they would make.
Anyway, really, really hoping for the best for both of you tomorrow.
Hope Ruby is well too!! we had a bit of a fright with Oscar earlier in the summer. He is almost 12 and was diagnosed with cancer two years ago. He has been really well though except for about six weeks ago when he was really ill and we thought we would lose him. Thankfully has bounced back again.
Alison, I am impressed with the squash. I am still managing to keep my yoga up but nothing more energetic. I can come up to town most eveings, perhaps we could meet after you finish work. I know you are busy though with work and everything but keep it in mind and perhaps we can do it soon. You sound very well, waiting another month or two for treatmeant won't make any difference in the long run and it is better to go ahead when you feel really ready.
I don't know where our other girls have gone but perhaps it was time to move on. Sometimes there just is n't alot to say.
love to all
Gracexx
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Postby Amanda A » Sat Sep 25, 2004 7:26 am

Hi Grace, Alison, thanks for your support, it's nice to know that you are both out there!

On Wed I had a very weak pos (39) so had to go home for complete rest and was tested again yesterday, it was 32, so that pretty much is that except that they have said that I need to test again tomorow just in case it is a blip but that it is very unlikely. As you can imagine, I just want to get back to normal, have a drink and race around doing things after 2 weeks of taking it easy but they say no, that I still need to know that I gave it every chance, ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Grace, glad that Oscar is o.k., it must be very worrying though because they become so loved and important to us don't they?! When I was at home with my parents we had our very old dog Sebby put down and both me and my sister came home from work for it and the whole family sat there saying goodbye to him and crying like mad. I think vets see it all the time, dogs are such special friends.

Alison, glad that going back to the ARGC wasn't too bad. I expect that you saw quite a few new faces. It makes sense to delay the cycle until your work calms down a bit. We did this last cycle with Darren's Dad having a heart op and Darren working crazy hours and it really piled the stress on.

I did acupuncture just before my 2nd cycle and I even made Darren go for a while as well. I am wondering if I should go back for a few sessions just to try to pick myself up again. I found that I felt calmer directly afterwards but I didn't really like the needles. Where do you go? Do they try and work on the areas specific to infertility?

Anyway, will sign off now but sending lots of love & hope that you both enjoy the weekend. Love Amanda xx
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Postby Amanda A » Sat Sep 25, 2004 7:27 am

Hi Grace, Alison, thanks for your support, it's nice to know that you are both out there!

On Wed I had a very weak pos (39) so had to go home for complete rest and was tested again yesterday, it was 32, so that pretty much is that except that they have said that I need to test again tomorow just in case it is a blip but that it is very unlikely. As you can imagine, I just want to get back to normal, have a drink and race around doing things after 2 weeks of taking it easy but they say no, that I still need to know that I gave it every chance, ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Grace, glad that Oscar is o.k., it must be very worrying though because they become so loved and important to us don't they?! When I was at home with my parents we had our very old dog Sebby put down and both me and my sister came home from work for it and the whole family sat there saying goodbye to him and crying like mad. I think vets see it all the time, dogs are such special friends.

Alison, glad that going back to the ARGC wasn't too bad. I expect that you saw quite a few new faces. It makes sense to delay the cycle until your work calms down a bit. We did this last cycle with Darren's Dad having a heart op and Darren working crazy hours and it really piled the stress on.

I did acupuncture just before my 2nd cycle and I even made Darren go for a while as well. I am wondering if I should go back for a few sessions just to try to pick myself up again. I found that I felt calmer directly afterwards but I didn't really like the needles. Where do you go? Do they try and work on the areas specific to infertility?

Anyway, will sign off now but sending lots of love & hope that you both enjoy the weekend. Love Amanda xx
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Postby ogr1 » Sat Sep 25, 2004 6:01 pm

hello ladies.

i just wanted to ay hi
i am glad that you all where able to get together and and say good bye to your family dog. we just did that back in may.
my mom had brought our family dog here and my vet came out and we put him to sleep.
he is up on the hill wacthing over my son.

hope everyone is behaving
becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby Grace » Tue Sep 28, 2004 1:47 pm

Amanda
Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts. How did the test go on Sunday? It must be awful just waiting and waiting.
I just hope that things are looking a bit better although I know you were n't hopeful.
You have been through so much this year, I am wishing you and Darren the very best. I have a look on here a couple of times during the week. Please know that I am here if you want a "chat"
Sending you lots of love and a cuddle to Ruby. I am sure she is a great comfort. Oscar has seen me through many of my worst days and continues to be such a loyal friend on good and bad days.
Talk soon
Grace
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Postby Amanda A » Tue Sep 28, 2004 4:05 pm

Hi Grace,
Thanks so much for your message, you are really kind.

On Sunday my level had dropped to 8 so they said that I could stop all the injections and start to ween myself off the steriods. At least this time I won't have to go into hospital to have anything taken away because it was so very early.

I must say that I do feel completely wiped out this time. Darren is in the states for work this week, which is hard because we really just want to be together, you know how it is! I am dividing my time between our home and my parents while he is away. On the one hand I think to myself for goodness sake, you are 32 years old, you shouldn't go running back home but on the other I think don't be so hard on yourself ,what we go through is traumatic and you don't need to be alone at these times. Anyway my family are being very supportive, I stayed over last night and my Dad kept making me G&T's because I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep. I was out like a light!! I haven't had a drink for so long!

I hope things are o.k. with you right now, I apologise if I am putting you off having another go, I know that you are in the process of thinking that you might.

Lots of Love Amanda x.
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Postby Grace » Tue Sep 28, 2004 9:19 pm

Dear Amanda
I am so very sorry things did n't work out for you.
I can imagine you must feel entirely wiped out. I do think it is lovely that you have a supportive family around you. If Darren is away it is exactly what you need. You certainly deserve a few g&ts after all you have been through. Even though my family live far away, they, like yours have been so supportive especially after all our negatives. Sometimes when I am feeling low I make lists in my head of all the good things in my life and having a loving and supportive family comes very near the top. I am glad you have that in your life too.
I wish I had some sage advice or even something positive to say but I know how empty you will be feeling right now, nothing really takes away that feeling only a bit of time . Hopefully when Darren comes back you will have time together and that will help.
Don't forget I am here if you need a chat. I really am so sorry.
Love and a warm hug
Grace
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Postby Alison » Tue Sep 28, 2004 9:46 pm

Dear Amanda

I'm really sorry that it hasn't worked out for you this time. I saw your earlier post at the weekend and was at a loss to know what to write so waited - but rest assured you've been very much in my thoughts.

I agree absolutely with Grace (as so often!) that there is nothing at all wrong with going and spending some time with your parents, particularly as Darren is away. It is great that you've got supportive parents close at hand who can look after you a bit when you need it.

You asked about acupuncture - I go to a place just in the High St where I live. I went into a couple of places and chose this one because I liked the guy, and he does appointments in the evenings (dead scientific!). The treatment is supposed to be specifically fertility linked, but actually having been back a week or so I realised I'd missed it and will carry on going til whenever (if ever!) we're ready to finally use those frosties. I just find it incredibly relaxing, and I suppose quite indulgent to have an hour in the week just focused on me.

Anyway Amanda, I'm blabbering on about acupuncture and me because I don't know what to write to you that will feel in any way meaningful. The cliches are all true - life's unfair, take one day at a time, treat yourself gently, don't rush into any decisions about what to do next.... None of it really helps, does it?!

But you've got good friends here, and if part of treating yourself involves a trip up to town then do let us know! With much love

Alison xx
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Postby Amanda A » Tue Oct 05, 2004 10:48 am

Hi Grace & Alison,

How are things with you both?

I am glad to say that I am feeling a little better after the initial blow of last week. Thank you both for your messages, they did help a lot, even if (as you say Alison) it's difficult to know what to say!

Darren got back from the states on Sat and we had a nice weekend and went out for a meal on Sun as it was his birthday. We are talking a bit about what we will do next and what life would be like if we gave up ivf. I have booked an appointment with our counsellor tonight who we haven't seen for months but I hope that it will be useful in helping us start to address the issues. I have also booked our consultation with the ARGC for 20th Oct.

Well,last week I decided to get my hair coloured, so it is a kind of red/blonde now and I have had some tips put onto my nails, so I have a lovely french manicure too! Little things I know but they all help to make me feel a bit better.

I would love to meet up again. I know that we never seem to get around to it but I would really like that. My only problem is that I would need to be away at a decent time in the evening as I have further to travel. I often wonder how the others are getting on, Lucy especially comes into my mind a lot. I hope that they are o.k.

Well better get on, take care both of you.
Love Amanda xxxxxx

P.S. it's nice to hear Becky's news!
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Postby luce » Wed Oct 06, 2004 9:28 am

Hi girls

I know I haven't posted in yonks, but I have popped in occasionally to read what's going on, and I do think about you all often, even if I'm a bit rubbish at following up on those thoughts. I cannot believe it's October already! Bear with me as I'll need to do a bit of a catch up with you all (belatedly in most cases I'm afraid!)

Alison - Welcome home. It sounds like you had a great time, and that you and Julian really chilled out together. At the end of the day we all still do have our fellas, through all this, and that's an important relationship to nurture. Well done for going back to the dreaded ARGC - how did the monitored cycle go? And when will you start the FET cycle? How was it pressing that buzzer again for the first time in ages, then toddling off around the corner for bloods? And how is it there - still manically busy?

Grace - Glad to hear you're still around too- sounds like you had a great time in Ireland, even allowing for the wobble. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be treated as a normal person, and not 'carefully'. Somtimes now I tell people to stop pussyfooting around us and just let us decide what we can and can't cope with - they don't seem to understand that it's important for us to get on with a normal life. Hope Oscar is back to his normal self!

Amanda - Was gutted to hear the news about your latest cycle, I'm so sorry that it didn't work out. I so badly want one of us to have some success. Am glad Darren is back from the US now - it must've been hard to go through that week without him, so it's no wonder you fled to be pampered by your parents, although the visit to the hairdressers and the manicurist probably helped for a short while!! I hope the counsellor helps a little with the issues. It is always hard after a failed cycle to decide what to do next, so as usual, take your time and do what's right, when it feels right. I wonder what ARGC will say to you this time?

Jen and Lou - where are you?

So that leaves me. Am ashamed to say I have little news. It is coming up for a year since our last cycle failed and in some ways I'm proud - we've made it through the year with ups and downs, but on the whole OK. On the other hand it frightens me - a year has passed and we haven't really changed our lives much. However, I do try to calm myself by telling myself that it takes time and that nothing has to change overnight.

I still have good and bad days, and the good far outweigh the bad. We're both still quite bitter though, which we discovered when reading all that stuff about Mr T and how much profit he made for himself in 2002. Pete was hilarious and went off in a rant about it all, but it just made me sad to think that someone makes so much money out of other people's misfortune. That's life though - and it certainly isn't fair.

Would love to meet up again - am flexible as to days usually, and can switch my working days so I can be in London whenever. I am going on hols in Nov (what, again?) so sometime in October would be good.

Best get on - am going to do some tests today as the first stage in changing my career....now don't laugh. I have applied to be a paramedic!! So today they want me to do Maths, English and Road Sign tests. Will let you know how they go (I'll be so ashamed if I fail!)

Lots of love, strength and hugs
Lucy
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