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Facing Christmas without Katelyn.....

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Facing Christmas without Katelyn.....

Postby Dagny » Thu Dec 30, 2004 1:21 pm

Normally Christmas is a time to rejoice and spend time with loved ones.......

What happens when your loved one has been taken away???

I knew this 1st Christmas was going to be difficult but I wasn't prepared for the ache I would have in my heart all day. We woke up Christmas morning to a very quiet house. Just David and me. We spent the morning sitting silently in the lounge feeling a sense of loss and loneliness. I looked at the floor by the tree with all the presents and tried to imagine Katelyn sitting there gurgling and dribbling, chewing on wrapping paper - but all there was was an empty space. My tears quitely fell. David held me but couldn't find the words to comfort me.

"She should be here", I said.

"I know", he said.

There we sat, together, alone in our thoughts.

We got dressed and I put Katelyn's Christmas present in my bag. It's something I had to buy her. A knife, fork and spoon set. She would be weening about now. I had wrapped it and put ribbon on it with a sparkly bow, put a label on it and signed it from Mummy and Daddy. We took it to her grave and placed it under her little Christmas tree which was in a lovely red pot and baubles twinkling in the sunlight. And there we left it...........

I can't begin to describe my feelings at this point. For those of you who have suffered the same loss may understand but it's a feeling that will haunt me. My throat ached and my heart broke all over again.

My angel, my very own Christmas angel I hope was watching over me the week before Christmas. On the 18th of December I did my 5th ICSI pregnancy test and there it was - pregnant!!

I am so elated and yet so petrified - what if.........

I mustn't let what happened to Katelyn make me scared but I am. I am so scared that I can't get too excited. Her brother or sister is growing in my tummy and until I have that baby in my arms, I won't relax. I have my first scan on January 5th. For now, I have hope, hope in my tummy and hope for the future but I know Katelyn will always be my first born, my angel, my daughter........I love her so much.

Thankyou for listening. I wish you all a peaceful and happy New Year. Once I have had my scan I will be back. I hope you understand that I just needed some time away for a while.

Much love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
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Postby LORRAINE G » Fri Dec 31, 2004 12:07 pm

Dagny I can't really find the right words to reply to your post other than to say that though you have been away you have never been far from my thoughts. I am delighted at your news but totally understand your nerves at being pregnant again.
I am so sorry that you had to face Christmas without Katelyn, that is an experience no one should ever have to go through.
My love and very best wishes to you and your DH, I will hold you both in my thoughts and prayers...

Love Lorraine
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Joined: Sat May 03, 2003 12:24 pm

Postby sue.m » Fri Dec 31, 2004 4:10 pm


I'm so glad to see you back on the boards, and am thrilled to see that you're expecting again.

Your post brought tears to my eyes, but like Lorraine I can't really find the right words. I'll be hoping and praying though that everything works out for you and David, and that next year you'll be sitting around the Christmas tree with your longed for baby.

I found out on Christmas Eve that I'm expecting again too, so maybe you and I can go through the highs and lows of the next eight months together.

Wishing you all the very best,
ttc for almost 4 years, diagnosed as unexplained. Just about to begin treatment when we were lucky enough to concieve naturally. Our beautiful baby boy, Daniel, was born on 27 Sept 2003. Now expecting again, baby due 22 Aug 2005.
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Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2004 11:58 pm

Postby DebraP » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:01 pm

Dagny, I'm both happy and sad for you. Your positive news gives me great hope and it couldn't happen to a more deserving person. Your fears are only too understandable. I'm sorry that Christmas was so painful for you and David. You're in my thoughts. Will you tell us your scan news when you have it??

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Postby Jules R » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:47 pm

Dearest Dagny,

I'm so sorry that Christmas was so hard for you and David. It's a difficult time of year because you see so many people celebrating and yet there are people suffering through loss. I remember how hard the first Christmas after the loss of my Mum was and even now, all these years on, I still grieve for the fact that she's not around to meet my husband and children. And you're bound to feel the loss of a child even more at a time that is so special for children. You and David are such a fantastic partnership and the support that you offer each other is amazing - stay strong.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It's completely understandable how nervous you must be and you've seen Tracey going through similar emotions after losing Oliver and then becoming pregnant with Emily and Alice. We hope upon hope that you and David have the same happy outcome as Tracey and Ian; as you say, Katelyn will always be your first child and hopefully you'll be able to tell her little brother or sister how special she was.

With love to you and David.

TTC 5 years. Daniel & Charlotte born 22.03.02, 1st ICSI treatment. TTC for 4 further years. 2nd ICSI cycle abandoned, 3rd cycle BFN. Looking forward to being a happy family of 4.
Jules R
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Postby Kat » Sat Jan 01, 2005 12:22 pm

Hi Dagny, I don't think there's anything I can say that the others haven't said already, I have been been wondering how you were doing. I am so glad to see you are pregnant again with a brother or sister for Katelyn, maybe it was her Christmas present to you both.
Take care
Kat xx
Me & DH both 41
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
Posts: 665
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Location: Chessington, Surrey, UK

Postby ogr1 » Thu Jan 06, 2005 1:30 pm

it is all so very hard... for 22 years pn christmas day i have wondered why and have felt that i had been robbed.and have had to make myself do christmas.

i am glad that you both have been able to help eachother....
i know we bought a memory wreath and put it out on our sons grave.

i am so glad that you are pregnant again. that is wonderful news.
yes i do understand about worrying until your baby is in your arms.
i will say payers for you and david and Katelyn and your one to come.
love becky

we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby sophiejane » Thu Jan 06, 2005 2:56 pm

I have been wondering how you are. Katelyn was so lucky to have you as her Mum, as your love for her is just enormous.
I am so pleased to hear that you are pregnant again, what strength you have to keep on going with ICSI / IVF.
I hope your scan went OK, and that you have your first picture of the baby.
All my love and best wishes
Me 33 dp 30
me tubal damage
ist ivf Feb04 -ive
fet July04 -ive
ivf Nov04 +ive twins, but sadly one twin died at 10 weeks gestation. Freya born 21st July 2005. She's amazing!
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Location: Ringwood, Hants

Postby Sand » Thu Jan 06, 2005 7:11 pm

Dagny ... I was totally moved by your words ...

I'm sure Katelyn would want you and David to be over the moon about your new pregnancy, and I hope your scan went well yesterday.

Sandra x
Me 41 yrs old - dh 49 yrs old. ttc 110 yrs.
1st cycle (ICSI)....Mar 04 -ve.
2nd cycle (ICSI)....Aug 04 -ve.
3rd cycle FET........May 05 -ve.
4th cycle (ICSI) ... Feb 06 -ve
5th cycle FET ..... Feb/Mar 11
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Postby nicolamark » Sat Jan 08, 2005 7:49 pm

You message bought a tear to my eyes. I am so sorry, but you know that your little katelyn sent you your new baby, to be. Katelyn's an angel looking over you now and she'll see you happy. :)

My father passed away only last Sept. and I strongly believe he will send me my baby soon.

I wish you and your dh all the best.
TTC 9yrs...lots of IUIs all BFN
1st IVF cancelled OHSS
2nd IVF 4 eggs all failed to fertilise
3rd IVF down regging now, EC expected 1st wk of sept.
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Postby SBROWN » Mon Jan 10, 2005 12:11 pm


I am really pleased to see you posting again........
and congratulations on your news, you are truly blessed with your guardian angel Katelyn and I am sure she will watch over her brother/sister for you.....

Hope all is well and hope to see more postings from you, but understand if you dont post as much........

Take care and good luck..........Lets hope next xmas your precious Angel can smile down on you, David and her brother/sister opening all those pressies under the tree
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Postby Dagny » Sat Jan 15, 2005 8:21 pm

Thankyou so much for all your replies - it was so nice to hear from you again.

Unfortunately it's bad news again :(

Our baby has died and we are back to square one again. I have done a separate post. Perhaps this wasn't out time after all.

Katelyn will get to meet her little brother or sister earlier than planned.

We are gutted :cry:

Love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
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Postby nicolamark » Sun Jan 16, 2005 3:47 pm

You poor thing!! Thats terrable news!! I send u my love and hope!!
x x x x x x
TTC 9yrs...lots of IUIs all BFN
1st IVF cancelled OHSS
2nd IVF 4 eggs all failed to fertilise
3rd IVF down regging now, EC expected 1st wk of sept.
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Postby maryellen » Mon Jan 17, 2005 1:01 pm


You do not know me but I had to post to you and say how so very sorry I am to hear of your losses. I know only too well the heartache you are enduring and there is nothing I nor anyone can say to take that pain away. Please take care of yourself and each other. There is always someone here for you never forget that.

Hopefully our angel babies can meet each other and look after one another.

Take care

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