bah humbug - still hating this time of year!

Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.
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bah humbug - still hating this time of year!

Post by Alison » Sat Dec 11, 2004 6:02 pm

I don't want to sound like a complete scrooge, but I seem to be finding this time of year as hard as ever. Is it just me, or does the child-centred-ness of Christmas really get to other people too? My most vehement hatred is reserved for an ad on the radio for Mastercard, the punchline of which is something about the first christmas with a new grandchild being "priceless" - it makes me want to hit someone! I also find every christmas card that comes from friends with lengthening strings of children's names a small kick in the teeth.

I'm possibly feeling a little over-sensitive at the moment, as both attempts at FET in Sept/Oct/Nov were cancelled before they got to defrost, so I'm back in limbo again, and feeing the semlance of contral I'd gained over my life gradually slipping away. I'm determined not to let myself get back into that situation where absolutely everything is planned round cycles. Also having a bad day because a couple who have been fabulous child-free friends for the last few years are now (inevitably) expecting. She was round this morning, and I don't know whether it was the hormones or what but managed to say some incredibly tactless things, including her worry that she might be expecting twins - she must have forgotten (or maybe I never told her) that having twins would have been my absolute dream come true. Anyway, its left us feeling a little flat.

I know I have an awful lot to be grateful for and do try very hard to count my blessings. All of the treatments took a terrible toll on my relationship with Julian - its only in the last couple of months that we've both acknowledged that our trip away in the summer was in part to test whether or not we were going to be able to stay together - and we're now closer and happier than we've been in a long time. And Julian is loving the "realness" of teaching in a pretty tough boys' comprehensive, and feeling he is doing something worthwhile and doing it well. And I like my work and have some fabulous friends, at least some of whom are as likely as me not to have children. So its certainly not bleak by any means but... but... well, you know, this isn't quite what I'd envisaged for my life, and I still think its not fair that we're being denied all the things that parenthood brings that everyone else seems to be able to take for granted.

Anyway friends, that's my little whinge over. I'm sorry we didn't quite manage to get our acts together for a pre-Christmas get-together. Maybe January will be a better time? In the meantime do drop a post to let us know what you're up to and how you're getting on.

With very best wishes for suriviving the festive season and much love,

Alison xxx


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Post by Jjj » Sat Dec 11, 2004 6:47 pm

Hi Alison, :x I know exactly what you are feeling. It happens to me every year around about September when the Christmas cards turn up in the shops. Every catalogue for stores promotes the family get togethers and massive family hampers. :cry: for now there are just me and DH. For absolutely years I never bothered with a tree or decorations, but this is the third Christmas I have. It has made things more like home for us but :roll: there is still something missing under the tree and it is not the presents. I even hang the chocolate from the tree. If we had children we would busy ourselves at Christmas driving around looking at all the lit up Reindeer and blow up Santas..... As I do now but on my own :oops: They would all look a bit silly in our front garden as I am 36 and DH is 38.... What makes me :evil: are ungrateful mothers or friends that are mothers who like you say let slip something they feel. They cannot possibly understand us unless they have had similar experiences. One work friend of mine has slowly become more distant as she has two children and well we cannot talk about the same things. I do not want to talk about creches or sleepless nights or clothes, :x including shopping at stores for childrens baby items. People just do not understand, I was even told recently I could not understand how tiring it was to look after two children as I have not done it yet. :evil: I had to bite back and mention for six months I looked after six and loved every minute of it. I would like her still as a friend but it is so hard, possibly we are just different types anyway. But you get tired of making excuses for peoples comments. I do believe though do not put yourself in positions you are not happy in, for example friends with babies and their get togethers, it hurts too much. I cannot bear it if DH mother has children photos up in lounge of her friends grandchildren, :cry: that makes me so sad as it should be our own children. This year I have done groceries on line and will get to the stores before schools break up. It would be great to have a get together with the girls in the New Year, count me in for some sanity.

A special delivery to the site is being delivered....... bucket loads of baby dust to all........ Love Jjj x

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Post by Tina » Mon Dec 13, 2004 2:49 pm

Hi Alison and Jjj

Me too - bah humbug big time really! I LOVE Xmas, or used every year we are having another child-free xmas seems like a kick in the teeth :( . Unfortunately my first missed-miscarriage was picked up on a scan on the 27th Dec - so xmas has many bad memories for us now we are disappearing off to France for 2 weeks to ski and forget. :)

I know exactly where you are coming from with the mastercard parents are over in new zealand with my brother and his wife and their first child for Xmas. The mastercard advert makes me sad every time that's its not me who had the first grandchild (actually, I don't care about being the first - just would love to have a child!). Makes it even harder as I should have an 18 month old this xmas and be 30 weeks pregnant with my second.

My brother and his wife couldn't conceive for 3 years and eventually had a miracle pregnancy (announced on the day I got my 3rd ICSI failure, child born right after my second miscarriage - unfortunately really bad timing)! The really odd thing is that his wife used to phone me and tell me how she couldn't cope with all her friends getting pregnant and giving she would be in tears the whole time. Then when they had the baby, I was innundated with photos and stories, etc. It was like they had never been through infertility - really insensitive (or maybe I am just over sensitive?).

And we saw friends yesterday who have an 8 month old and so are having their first xmas with their baby. They know all about our problems and losses - and still say 'wow, i wish we could go skiing this year, but 'she' (baby) has stopped all that - you're so lucky'. Jeeze, have i just chosed my friends badly!!!!

I am sorry to hear about your recent cycles being cancelled Alison. I know what it's like to have your life taken over and we are taking a long break to avoid that (and for other reasons).

I am also very worried about my relationship with DH - we can't now seem to talk about what to do next without shouting and it's having a great impact on us as a couple.

Well, anyway. My avoidance of xmas works quite well - we have gone away for the last few years. I can highly recommend it!

Take care and babydust to all - if I could make it better for us i would do anything :wink:

1st ICSI 2002 - BFP but m/c 9 weeks
2nd and 3rd ICSI 2003/04 - BFN
4th ICSI 2004 - BFP but m/c 9 weeks
5th ICSI 2005 - BFN
6th and 7th 2005 - IUI with donor sperm - BFN
8th and 9th 2006- IVF with donor sperm and donor eggs - BFN

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Post by Grace » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:11 pm

Dear Friends
Long time no chat, it is a hard time of year for all of us.
I have spent so many years thinking maybe this time next year, but to be honest I don't think like that any more.
I do still enjoy Christmas though, don't know why, I just think I am a bit childish still, and there is something about it although ofen tinged with sadness that still makes me glad.
Like you Alison, I think I just try and count my blessings. It seems sometimes like everyone is having such a lovely and merry time except us, but I think the reality is that Christmas is hard for alot of people not just the infertile.
We are having Chritmas completely alone this year except for Oscar the dog of course. We have never done this before, usually I end up cooking for lots of people or spending it in a bit of a "hot house" environment. I am actually looking forward to it. We are going to go on a long walk during the day and have a boozy meal in the evening.
I still have n't done anything about another treatmeant cycle. I have been saying all year I will but when it comes to it I just don't know if I can do another failure. I am looking at it in a negative way and that is not a good place to start.
We are actually thinking of packing our suburban lives in and moving to Ireland. Thinking of opening a small but really nice guest house. It is early days and I don't know how it will work out. It is scary, and in someways I hate the idea of leaving here especailly our lovely home which we have worked so hard on. We thought we would bring our family up here.....little did we think.
In many ways it is time for pastures new though. I think the next year or so will be telling. I probably will have one last go at treatmeant, but I am moving on in a way I never thought I would. The pain still cuts through my heart at times, only you girls will know what I mean. Letting go of the dream also hurts so very much.
I think it always will hurt but we have been trying for a baby for ten years now and that is a huge part of our lives. I really have to move on and get as much as I can out of life. I do not want to be bitter, or look back at my life and think of it as being a sad life. Sometimes I am bitter though!!!

It will be a year in January since some of us met up for the first time, perhaps we can do it again around then?
Sending all of you lots of love and very special thoughts at Christmastime. Wishing happiness and contentment for all of us.
Much love

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Post by ogr1 » Thu Dec 16, 2004 2:12 am

just wanted to share some good news..
no i am not pregnant and i never will be again. that is something that i have wanted sence my fist mc back on christmas day 1982.

i have had up and very down moments. and lots of battles with my hubby. and are parents and friends and many others who can say the most stupid things.

but i can let you know that threw all of the darkness i have found peace and happiness. i can look out on my sons grave and give him a smile, and think of my tiwns and the loss of my son years ago and know that this life time is just a small part comepared to eturnitiy that i will have with them.
i have a very ful life and i need to make something of it. our foster kids keeps us very busy. i dont think that i could love my own child any more then i love each one of them..

i hope that we can all find some peace and happiness
love becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!

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Message from Amanda

Post by Alison » Sat Dec 18, 2004 4:48 pm

Just wanted to post again mainly to let you know that I had a phone message from Amanda ("Rachel"), who apologises for not being in touch, she's got a problem with the computer which means she can't post. She wanted to say though that she was thinking of us. She and Darren are off to the States shortly for 2-3 weeks - I remember she told Lou and I about it when we met - they're going to New York, and I think Las Vegas and New Orleans - can't remember exactly other than it sounded fabulous.

Lovely to hear from Grace and Becky sounding positive and looking to the future and new things ahead. Thanks Jjj and Tina for posting too and sharing where you are - makes me feel perhaps I'm not going mad! I hope Tina that there's some snow in France for you - I've been looking at the snow reports as I'm hoping we may be able to go later in the season.

I've had a good week with pre-Christmas (alcoholic and child-free!) celebtations, so am in more of a festive state of mind. I also went round to see my PG friend earlier, and I think perhaps she realised she might have offended me last week because she wanted to know (in a nice way) what was happening with our tmt, and although we obviously talked about her too she was more sensitive about it, and recognised that there was a limit to how much I'd want to hear about her pregnancy.

So... I'll leave it there for now. If I don't "see" you again before Christmas, I hope you manage to find some peace and happiness whether its away somewhere, just with your partner, or with other friends and family. Thank you for the special friendship you've given over the last year or so - it does mean an enormous amount.

With much love

Alison xx

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Post by Grace » Mon Dec 20, 2004 4:07 pm

I just wanted to come on here and wish all my friends a very Happy Christmas. Alison, am glad you are feeling okay, it is just so hard at this time of the year some days are okay and then you get the other days......
Are you waiting until the new year to try again? it has been hard on you these past few months with one thing and another. I know you try not to get caught up with it all but I think that is almost impossible. Really pleased that Julian is enjoying his teaching, and that the two of you are back of track so to speak. Rod and I have had our hairy moments going through all of this.
Good to hear that Amanda is off on her hols, have a fantastic time. Look forward to hearing from you when you get back.

Hope you are okay Luce?? how was the South American trip. I remember you went to a nativity last Christmas and that was so brave as it was only a short time after your last attempt. How are you feeling this year?

Special thoughts to Lou too, hope you are well. Jen too, my fellow Irish girl wishing you all the best this Christmas.

Hello to Tina and Jjj too. It is so good that more of us have been able to share our feelings recently.

Very special thoughts to Becky in the states, as always you have been there for so many of us this year with your kindess despite having had such a difficult time yourself. You sound very positve at the moment.

I hope all of us will have some fun this Christmas...we deserve it!!! I am certainly going to have a few drinks...that always helps!
and as for 2005 I am hoping for happiness or at least contentment for all of us

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Post by LORRAINE G » Fri Dec 24, 2004 5:03 pm

Just wanted you all to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. May you all find some peace and happiness like Becky
With love and seasonal greetings

Lorraine X

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Post by louli » Thu Jan 20, 2005 11:00 am

Dear All,
Happy New Year!! Already 20th Jan and I have not been on the site for ages - is it just that we have a slow computer or does it take ages to get around the site? Christmas does always come complete with far more challenges for us than for many because it focusses so much on family. This year we went to my brother and there were no small children as both his are grown -up and they were away. I found all the preparations quite a distraction from my real emotion.
Nick has been offered a promotion at work and can still do this whilst working from Devon for the next year and so he is delighted! We have done some major work on the house - removed chimney breast and made new kitchen / diner from separate rooms so that kept us occupied from end Oct. until Christmas. I did a couple of weeks work away and have got going with my acupuncture business.
We are lined up to try again in Spain with a donated egg - still can't believe that it won't happen for us but each failure makes it harder to go on. The counsellor says that we have to draw a line under it and move on but I can't do that yet.
Alison, so sorry to hear that you had another frozen cycle cancelled. My heart goes out to you and Julian. However, being close to each other is a bonus . Nick and I had a rough patch in Nov. and he admitted that he had considered leaving me. I think for him it was one thing to know before he married me that I could not have kids but quite another to face the reality of failure when we have tried so hard. Up until we moved to Devon ,I think he could put his head in the sand because he was so pre-occupied with work that he didn't think about the children issue. Hopefully things between us will go on to improve.
Grace, your planned move to a guest house in Ireland sounds fab. A new challenge may be just what you need to move on.
Amanda, hope you are having a fab time in America, well you are probably back now.
Becky, hope you are well, thanks for your kind words and news.
Jen, hope you are well and that no news is good news
Luce, are you driving ambulances now?
Hello to Tina and Jjj, hope I will meet you sometime.
Happy New Year to all of my buddies on this part of the site - it is great to know that you are there. We should plan another get together. I am hoping to be in London at the beginning of March but difficult to be exact at the moment as we may get called to go to Spain around that time too. Previously I have never planned anything for around these times but just to try and tempt fate we have booked to go skiing for 5 days in mid March! You never know it might just do the trick,
All the very best to you all for 2005 ,

Amanda A
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Post by Amanda A » Mon Jan 31, 2005 11:18 am

Hi Everyone,
Just a very quick post to let you know that I am still alive! Had loads of PC problems recently and as you can see have now changed my user name to 'Amanda A', which meant that I couldn't log on for a while as it didn't work with my old password!

Will be in touch again soon, off to an aromatherapy class this pm, part of my new start for 2005!

Love to you all & take care, Amanda x

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Post by ogr1 » Tue Feb 01, 2005 4:16 am

hi and welcome back !!!!
i know all about re signing up.. i had to do it 3 or 4 times and lost all of my post :twisted:

what is aroma therapy?
i just started curves.

i am doing pretty good.. most of the time\
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!

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