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Thinking about Egg Sharing

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Thinking about Egg Sharing

Postby dydie » Fri Feb 11, 2005 12:05 pm

Hi
I am new to these boards
I have fallopian tube infertility and have had one unsuccsessful attempt at IVF, my husband and I have recently been to our clinic to start the process again and we have enquired about egg sharing, it seems that I am eligible to be a donor on an egg sharing programme subject to a few more screenings but I am struggling to understand how I feel about it, as an infertile person myself I know how these other women are feeling and I know that if I was unable to use my own eggs then I would want to try using donated eggs to make my family complete and my dreams come true.
But there is another part of me who is scared stiff about many aspects not least, I am worried how I would feel if my own IVF attempt failed, would I be left wondering if my other eggs had been successful etc etc, I am also worried about how I would feel if this "egg" came looking for me in 18 yrs time now that the annonimity has been scrapped, I also worry for the egg recipient, I would feel really guilty if their hopes were raised only for my cycle to be abandoned or if I did not produce enough eggs etc,
Obviously I will have to have additional counselling if I do decide to go down this route, but I feel that I need to try to decide how I feel about it otherwise counselling will be a waste of time.
Does anyone know if my feelings are natural, has anyone else been in the same situation, any real life advice would be very greatly recieved or if you are in need of a donor it would be nice for me to know how you feel
dydie
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Postby ogr1 » Fri Feb 11, 2005 12:56 pm

i am searching for words of gratitude for the women who have been able to give other women a gift for there family....
we have been waiting along time for a donated embie but noene has wanted to donate them as of yet.
and it has been so long that we have had to move on. to try and give up on having our own child is very hard. we have to put so much into ivf and when we get a neg it is devestating.. and know understands the fellings until you are there... each egg is a hope for our dreams...

i think that it is a shame about the annonimity it should be the givers choice to be known or not....
i know when we first started ivf they asked us what we wanted to do with any embies after the first year we chose to donate them .. we had put alot of thought into this cause what ifs.. but when we decided that after we had given birth to our baby we wanted to give something back and it made us feel great .
sadly to say we didnt have any extras...


good luck to you hope this has helped a little
becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby Kat » Fri Feb 11, 2005 7:42 pm

Hi Dydie, firstly thankyou for even thinking about egg sharing. I am on a waiting list for donor eggs (currently no. 34 on the list) after 6 unsuccessful IVF attempts. I know from my perspective I should be encouraging you to donate but knowing the unresolved questions I have from this side too I can imagine some of the hesitation you are feeling. In the end you will do what you decide is right for you. Counselling will help you sort out some things in your head but I am sure there will always be some 'what if's'. I don't think counselling before you have made up your mind would be a waste of time - it may help you make the decision. Your feelings are entirely natural, I too worry about the anonymity (as well as everything else) now it is an issue - how would I feel if the child I had brought up wanted to find out if it had another family? I believe the support would be there if the time came. I have only had one counselling session so far but I found the clinic is well aware of all the issues and there are organisations to help at every stage.
I hope you are successful, whether you decide to egg share or not,
Lots of love,
Kat x
Me & DH both 41
ICSI #1 - abandoned
#2 - cancelled - DH accident
#3 - 1 transferred, bfn
#4 - 2 transferred, bfn
#5 - abandoned
#6 - no eggs at EC
#7 - DE in Barcelona - bfp but lost Dec'05
#8 - DE UK - bfn
#9 - FET Sept/Oct '07....
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Postby leigh » Mon Feb 14, 2005 8:38 am

Hi
I am about to start iui in April, all being well. Not at the stage where I've been asked about egg sharing but me and dh have discussed it. At first I thought no way because I didn't want a part of me running around in the world without me being in his/her life. Then I started to think differently. I thought about what I'm going through and how I would like to help women going through the same thing. If I donated eggs I would see it like donating blood. I wouldn't be that child's mother because a mother (or father) is the person who brings you up and cares for you, the people who are there for you. These are just my first thoughts on the subject obviously there are lots more things to consider.

xxxxxxxxxx
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Postby ogr1 » Mon Feb 14, 2005 8:09 pm

what a great insight....
i neveer thought about it that way..

thank you
becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
ogr1
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Posts: 4301
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm

Postby leigh » Tue Feb 15, 2005 9:05 am

Thanks Becky
I am speaking a little from experience cos my mum had me to someone else. Luckily that man never wanted anything to do with me. My mum met my dad when I was 1 and he is the only dad I've needed or wanted. I knew fron when I was young enough to understand and it has never been an issue. If I was curious and asked questions my mum was always open and honest. Hope this helps
xxxxx :)
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Postby nicolamark » Tue Feb 15, 2005 7:52 pm

I totally agree with leigh, my dh and I are going to be using a donor sperm soon, and the way we see it is exactly the same as what leigh's just written. It is like donating blood, or something.... Like a kidney transplant, or whatever. If you were do donate a kidney, liver what ever it may be you wouldn't start thinking right because that person is carrying my kidney (or what ever) that intitles me to be part of their life.........same as donor eggs and donor sperms. Who ever they belong too doesn't give any rights to them.
WHEN our baby joins the world, although my dh wont be the father he'll be the daddy. And thats far more important. The daddy is the one who lives his childs life and is there for him/her through thick and thin. Same applies to the Mother/mummy!
Does that make sence?? Sometimes it's hard to put things in words.

GoodLuck Dear!! :)
TTC 9yrs...lots of IUIs all BFN
1st IVF cancelled OHSS
2nd IVF 4 eggs all failed to fertilise
3rd IVF down regging now, EC expected 1st wk of sept.
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Hi

Postby Leanne » Thu Feb 17, 2005 10:13 pm

Hi,
First I want to appologise if I offend anybody in what I have to say, these are my total heart felt feelings and I know that we all have different views.

I have just had my blood tests done to see if I can be an egg sharer. I am waiting on the results without any doubt in my mind I want to go through with this. I worry that some might think that is heartless to be so sure, but I can honestly say I / we have no feelings for my eggs what so ever.

I feel that it will be like giving something away I will never see, never feel and never have any connection with, at the moment.

We have been told we can find out if the recipient is sucessful but I said I don't want to know. I, like you, don't want to feel I have let anybody down if it fails. I also don't want to be heart broken if it works for them and not for us.

As far as letting the other couple down, they will no doubt have similar counselling and know all the risks they are taking also - they are all positive risks though.

If the child contacts us when they are old enough, then we have no worries about this. We feel that the eggs are being given away out of love. We are doing it to enable us to have more cycles as well as to help others, also the recipient will have gone through so much heart ache them selves, we know the baby will be loved. There are no secrets involved, we do not have to worry that some "ghost" from the past is going to knock on our door.

18 years is a long way off and we know that whatever happens to us will have happened by then.

If we never get that knock on the door then we will live knowing that either it wasn't sucessful or that the child is content with the life they have they don't feel the need to get in touch. If this is so, then you couldn't ask for anymore than a content child.

If we are lucky enough to have our own children I think we will let them know the possibility of this happening and let them know we have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of - in fact we should be proud.

If we are contacted, then I am sure it will be because the child wants to know us so we will have the bonus of getting to know them. However, we will be aware that although it is my egg , it is never going to be my child. The sperm will have an impact on the characteristics so too will their upbringing.

Maybe, like I said before, we are acting a bit flippant about my eggs ( like I said sorry if I offend) but I feel it is a magical thing we could do for somebody else and it gives us more opportunities to be sucessful ourselves.

We hven't had our counselling yet, sure many more issues will come from this, but we remain determined!!!

I wish you all the luck in the world. Never make a decision that isn't right for you!!!!
If you want to PM me I will be happy to listen to your worries more and maybe we could support each other :wink:
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Leanne
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Thanks for all your opinions

Postby dydie » Fri Feb 18, 2005 1:18 pm

Hi Everyone
I have obviously done alot of thinking and talking about this subject and all your views have really helped me, I have to say that the more thinking I have done the more I tend to agree with leanne, our eggs are flushed down the toilet every month without a second thought, we do not grieve for the egg every time we get our periods, instead we are grieving for the fact that once again we are reminded how much we would like a family of our own.
An egg may give another couple the hope that we all share and with luck it will bring them the reality of a child of there own, I am no longer thinking about that egg being a part of me, its not like adoption, that egg will be carried for 9 months in the womb of its own MOTHER!.
I too am now determined subject to being accepted that I will donate some of my eggs, heres to a whole heap of luck for all of us!!!!!!
Dydie
Me 32 DH 35
Ruptured Ectopic Preg
Remaining Tube Blocked
1st IVF Negative preg test
dydie
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Spoke too soon!

Postby dydie » Fri Feb 18, 2005 3:33 pm

HI Everyone
I posted earlier today with my decision that I would donate some of my eggs on an egg shring scheme but it appears I spoke too soon
I have just heard from my clinic who say that they will not accept me on there scheme because I had bad response to IVF 12 years ago!!!!!
I had IVF very quickly after an ectopic when I was 21 and only got 5 follies.
I am amazed that they are refusing me based on treatment 12 years ago, even the treatment itself has changed since the last time I went for IVF.
I have asked if they know the reason I had poor response last time but no one seems to have any answers, I am really dissapointed and feeling very low
Dydie xxxx
Me 32 DH 35
Ruptured Ectopic Preg
Remaining Tube Blocked
1st IVF Negative preg test
dydie
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hi

Postby Leanne » Fri Feb 18, 2005 6:43 pm

Hi me again,
I am sorry that your clinic are not being very helpful. I would strongly advise you, if you can, to change clinics.

I have been in touch with so many clinics about egg sharing and many have different requirements. It is obviously upto you but it might be worth a few phone calls. You can go onto a fertility site that tells you where all the clinics are that do Fertility treatment, if you want the web address ask me and I will look it up for you, I found through google searching I think. I think it is Electronic Infertility Network. Good luck x

Keep your chin up, it is a roller coaster ride like many say, so with every down let's hope there is an up soon x
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Leanne
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Postby Kat » Sun Feb 20, 2005 4:53 pm

Hi all, Dydie I am sorry the clinic won't accept you, like you say it's a long time since you had treatment. I too reckon try another clinic, especially now you have decided you are prepared to egg share. We need you!

I have been re reading some of these messages from and about donors, I think I am moving more towards the way of thinking that the child would be mine whatever the origins of the egg though I still can't help thinking of the fact it wouldn't have my genes. I don't know why I seem to still cling to this feeling that this is so important. I know that the chance of having my 'own' child is so slim that I have to go with donor eggs. Maybe I'm just scared of the unknown feelings. Having said that I have made it through 6 ICSI attempts and come out the other side in (just about) one piece, I must be able to make it through this as well surely.
I went to a US website where they advertise donors and there was a girl there who looked just like me and I really wanted her to be my donor, I got quite upset I couldn't have her. It seems to be easier over there, is this because donors get paid and they don't in the UK?
Enough rambling, speak soon...
Kat xx
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Postby dydie » Mon Feb 21, 2005 3:37 pm

Hi Kat
Youre not rambling your feelings are normal, when I first thought about donating eggs on the egg sharing scheme I was worried that I might get an "egg" knocking on my door in 18 years time, and that it would be very strange to meet my own child whom I knew nothing about and had not even carried in my womb for 9 months.
then I realised that the chances of this happening are sooooooo small its not even worth thinking about.
In 18 years time it will be so "normal" for children to have been born from a donor of some sort that they will probably not even think about it,
...when we were younger for example children born to mixed race couples were a massive minority and it was often frowned upon, these days you don't even look twice at a white women with mixed race children, this message is NOT about race, it is an example of how common some things become, and how people accept it!
I hope you understand what I am trying to say here.
Using an egg donor in my opinion will NOT make that child any less yours!, it's characteristics will come from you, you will incubate that baby in your body for 9 months, feeling all the same emotions as any other Mum, you will give birth to that child.
In my humble opinion donating an egg is no different to donating any other body part, god forbid if someone you love ever needed an organ transplant of some sort would that then make them part of somebody else? No of course it wouldn't, even if your walking around with someone elses heart in your body!
From what I understand there may be quite a lengthy waiting list for you to get a donor egg, so maybe even if you are unsure you should get yourself on that waiting list, you will have plenty of time to decide what you want to do and you will of course be offered counselling.
Go for it Kat, what have you got to lose?
Good Luck
Dydie
Me 32 DH 35
Ruptured Ectopic Preg
Remaining Tube Blocked
1st IVF Negative preg test
dydie
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