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I can't cope

Forum for those who have lost their babies through miscarriage, neonatal or stillbirth.

I can't cope

Postby Kellie_L » Sat Apr 30, 2005 9:17 pm

Can I just ask people that have lost babies how they coped? I'm finding it really difficult, I lost my baby at around 6 weeks on the 14th April. I know 6 weeks isn't much but to me that was my baby. I'm putting on a brave face in front of my family and they think I'm doing really well but when I'm alone I just brake down. It was a suspected ectopic so I had to have a laparoscopy (camera through the belly button) It wasn't ectopic but caused me to lose my baby anyway. I feel so guilty for signing the papers and going ahead with the operation. Can anyone tell me if my heartache will ever fade? I got told if helps if I name my baby, is this true?
Thanks

Kellie x
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Postby DebraP » Sun May 01, 2005 3:30 pm

Hello Kellie. I'm sorry for your loss.

Many of us on here have suffered a miscarriage either before starting fertility tmt or from a pregnancy resulting from tmt. It DOES hurt and affects people in different ways. Have you considered talking to someone via your clinic/doctor's surgery about your loss? Speaking personally, I thought of my early miscarriage as a loss of a pregnancy, not a baby which helped me enormously but perhaps speaking to someone who knows how to help you express your feelings might help?

I wish you luck. Keep talking to your partner, not only will you gain support from someone who also lost someone precious but who maybe also wants to speak about their feelings too.

Debra
Me: 44, DH: 31
Game Over.
Dates: Aug 02 - May 06
Tries: 5 fresh + 4 frozen.
Results: 1 daughter, 2 m/c, 1 ectopic.
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Postby Sand » Sun May 01, 2005 5:30 pm

Hi Kellie ... I'm sorry to see you hurting so much. I've never been in your position, and can only imagine what you're going through.

Please follow Debra's good advice. You can't keep your feelings bottled up. You need to talk to release all the pain and anger you're holding.

Sandra x
Me 41 yrs old - dh 49 yrs old. ttc 110 yrs.
1st cycle (ICSI)....Mar 04 -ve.
2nd cycle (ICSI)....Aug 04 -ve.
3rd cycle FET........May 05 -ve.
4th cycle (ICSI) ... Feb 06 -ve
5th cycle FET ..... Feb/Mar 11
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Postby ogr1 » Sun May 01, 2005 11:17 pm

i am so so sorry for the death of your child..
and yes this is your child and it is so very very hard..
most wont understand...

but what has helped me threw the death of my children is giving them a name. our last son is barried here at our home on the island of our little pond... i look out there all the time and i go there..
now i can look and have a little smile..

my son of 22 years ago is barried 500 miles away from me.. and i want to bring him here and lay him to rest...
our twins where sent off to get studied to see what happenend.. we couldnt have them back.. i regret that we had this done.. i wish so much that we had them here..
i wont have my children in this life time but i will have them for all eturnity.

and to me it does not matter how far along you where ..
even once you do your et that is a living embie it is the start of a life.. as well as 2 wks or 4 ks any day to mc is very hard and it is a huge loss.

but as a very goof friend told me
that it is like a very deep wound.. the wound will heale but you will always forever have a scar...
the more that i tried to pretend that i was ok the harder it was..
so now i allow my self to cry and to have time to grieve and to be happy to..
i cherish every moment that i had while i was pregnant.. and i hold on to the fact that i was able to be pregnant.. that is so much more then what so many havent been able to have...

also please be ready for your milk to come..mine came a coule days later and it about tore me up..

please know that you are not alone and talk with us as much as you want..

i know i thought i was going grazy cause i kept wanting to go out and unbarry my son and just hold him..
i came close a few times..

but today as soon as i got home i looked out at my son and had a warmth that was wonderful..

becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby Kellie_L » Mon May 02, 2005 4:31 pm

Thank you all so much for your replies. I really appreciate that you took time to offer your comforting words. I now know I'm not alone in the way that I'm feeling and my heart goes out to everyone that has lost a child because it's the worse thing anyone can go through and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!
I am supposed to have had my stitches out by now and it sounds strange but I can't remove them because they are all I have left to show of my pregnancy. Weird I know!
I have tried talking to my family about my loss and my sister in law has been a god send as she lost twins at 10 weeks. I tried to talk to my sister as she lost a baby at 15 weeks (Max) and we both have polycystic ovaries, but she says I shouldn't be so upset as I was only 6 weeks, but like you Becky I see them all as a life, no matter how far along you are. I'm just going to stick to talking to my sister in law about my feelings.

Thankyou all again
Kellie x

P.s I've decided to call my baby Bubba as it's the pet name I used when I talked to it in my tummy.
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Postby bubblymichelle » Mon May 02, 2005 4:36 pm

Hi Kellie

You can't suffer in silence, we will help you out the best we can.

I can't say that I have been in your situation because I haven't it must be so hard and I can only begin to imagine what you have been through.

Keep your chin up and remember we are all here for you, if you need to talk, talk to us we will always listen.

Love
Shell.
xx
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Postby ogr1 » Mon May 02, 2005 5:26 pm

i like you r nick name..
i know our doctor nick named our son smudge..

i know what you mean about the stiches..
i wanted to hang onto everything that i could..

just know that you are a great women and you will have good and not so good days..


when you are ready you should add bubba on the Angel Creche Rollcall

it has a list of some of our angels... dagny had gotten this started along with this forum..
i will always be greatful for her getting this done..
i go there alot and read some of the poems and i know that my children are there playing with the best of the best children....
:)
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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Postby Kellie_L » Sun May 08, 2005 7:41 pm

Well, I've finally done it, I've had my stitches removed. I realised I wouldn't be able to start moving on until I'd accepted the fact that it's over. I suppose I was keeping my stitches to remind me of my pregnancy but I realised I have been lucky really, like you said Becky, some people can't concieve and I had been given that gift. It may have been snatched away too early but I feel grateful that at some point I had been pregnant.
I will always remember my baby and will always wonder what it would have looked like, what it's first words would have been etc etc, but I can still light a candle for it and talk to it and one day I know we will be reunited.
Does anyone know how I can get baby Bubba's name on the angel creche rollcall it would be a lovely tribute.
I just want to thankyou all again for replying to me it has helped me so much and if I can help any of you in anyway possible I will do all I can.

Kellie xx
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Postby ogr1 » Sun May 08, 2005 8:17 pm

i am so glad that you are adding your child with ours..
alls you will need to do is copy and paste.. normaly dagny does this but i havent herd from her..
if you would like i can try and e-mail her and let her know that you would like to add bubba..just make a post with your name and your childs name and your date..

you hold on to the good things that you have said cause you will need to remember them on your hard days...

i had my first mc 22 years ago.. and i still wonder all the what ifs but i can smile and wonder now.. along with some tears..

just you remember that you are loved and that you have all kinds of friends here..
becky
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I'm in the same boat, Kelli

Postby DeniseM » Sun May 15, 2005 5:06 pm

Hi Kelli,

I'm in the same boat as you, but my miscarriage hasn't happened yet.

I'm nine weeks pregnant, but there's no baby in the egg sac, somewhere along the way my angel stopped growing.

Its torture waiting for the miscarriage to happen, I wish I could find a way to start it now, so it would be over.
IUI twins ~ July 2006
IUI singleton ~ due Jan 15 2009
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Postby Sand » Sun May 15, 2005 7:13 pm

Hi Denise .. I've just read your posts and just wish to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. This is such a cruel thing to happen, and you must both be devastated. I hope you can begin to grieve soon.

Take care

Sandra x
Me 41 yrs old - dh 49 yrs old. ttc 110 yrs.
1st cycle (ICSI)....Mar 04 -ve.
2nd cycle (ICSI)....Aug 04 -ve.
3rd cycle FET........May 05 -ve.
4th cycle (ICSI) ... Feb 06 -ve
5th cycle FET ..... Feb/Mar 11
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Postby DeniseM » Sun May 15, 2005 10:37 pm

Thanks Sand

I'm not sure what's harder, knowing the baby is dead, or waiting for it to be gone.

Thanks for your comforting words.
IUI twins ~ July 2006
IUI singleton ~ due Jan 15 2009
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Postby ogr1 » Mon May 16, 2005 3:42 am

they are both awful..
we found out the day before christmas that our twins hearts wernt beating.. had to come home and do christmas whit a new born baby here and then go to the hospital the next day i do a d&c..
i didnt want to go i kept thinking that they where wrong.. they did another altra sound and still no heart beat.. i thought that if i just had more faith that our twins would be ok..

it is hell with having to wait.. i am truly very sorry..
becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
ogr1
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Posts: 4301
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm

Postby sophiejane » Thu May 26, 2005 4:56 pm

Kelly,
I lost one of my babies at 10 weeks, and although I still carry his/her sister I am still devastated and so sad that this baby died. Whether the baby was a few weeks old or not it was your baby however old it was. I am so sorry that you have gone through this loss. :( , and I hope that the pain will soon start to ease.

Denise, I am so sorry for your loss too. Its so hard to suffer this much agony and life does seem so unfair. When one of my babies died, I did not miscarry it but it just slowly got absorbed by my body. At the 16 week scan it was still there a bit, but was shrinking every week, and we no longer saw it at the 20w scan. It felt really weird having a dead baby in my tummy and a big part of me wanted to bleed it out, but this would have left me scared for the remaining twin. Have you spoken to the doctors about a d&c, or is this not your choice.
My heart goes out to you, and I understand that you need the visual proof that its over, so that you can move on.

Everytime I see a butterfy I think this is my little lost baby coming to say hello.

Thinking of you both.
Love from Sophie-jane
Me 33 dp 30
me tubal damage
ist ivf Feb04 -ive
fet July04 -ive
ivf Nov04 +ive twins, but sadly one twin died at 10 weeks gestation. Freya born 21st July 2005. She's amazing!
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Thanks Sohpie

Postby DeniseM » Thu May 26, 2005 6:52 pm

Sophie, I wonder if because you're still pregnant anyone has given you the space to grieve the death of the other? This is as much as loss as if you had only been carrying the one. I'm truley sorry that this has happened to you. Did you have a name picked for the angel you lost?

I began to miscarry naturally finally on Friday last week, and it seemed to help some with emotional closure.

How do explain to someone how it feels knowing you're carrying a dead baby?
IUI twins ~ July 2006
IUI singleton ~ due Jan 15 2009
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