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I Can't Find My Old Cheerful Self

Forum for those who have lost their babies through miscarriage, neonatal or stillbirth.

I Can't Find My Old Cheerful Self

Postby Katie12563 » Sun Jul 10, 2005 12:09 am

I lost my little one 5 weeks ago(6W5D). Now I'm sad and I avoid any real intimate contact with friends and family. I actually feel sad, angry and distrustful. I feel most comfortable alone. Because of my age I will begin IUI again next month. I'm SCARED :(
that I will loose my baby again due to my poor egg quality.
I have been rude (ie: silent and avoiding conversation, walking away without saying goodbye) to a friend but I feel all used up. Nothing to give. My old cheerful self has left and even if I become pregnant again I will live in fear. Help!!!!!! I'm scared and I hate what I've turned into. A sad gloomy person. My therapist says i'm in mouning and this is normal.
Me: 44...NEWLYWED
After 5 attempts (Iui & IVF)
My Little One Is Here...SOOOOoooo Happy

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Postby DeniseM » Sun Jul 10, 2005 1:54 am

I think your friends will understand, and when you're ready to head back into the real world, it will still be there waiting for you.

Have the dr's told you that your egg quality is poor? If not, its the rotten aweful pits, especially when you work so hard for it, but something like 1 in 6 women have miscarriages. I did, about the same time you did, actually.

Let your body tell you when you are ready, and start small, with outings to places where people don't really know you.

I'm sorry about your loss. If you need someone to talk to we are here.
IUI twins ~ July 2006
IUI singleton ~ due Jan 15 2009
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Postby princess » Sun Jul 10, 2005 2:30 am

Oh sweetie
it is totally normal. I haven't wanted to talk to people much in the past few weeks and I aviod alot of people. I don't really want to talk about it with my friends cause they don't understand. So I have been pushing them away, I get mad at the things they say when they are trying to help. It just seems like the things they say are stupid and if they tried this hard to get pregnant and lost it they would truely know why I am so sad and I look empty. I don't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.
It's ok to be sad and angry we all are. I know I feel so cheated. Like someone handed me the world and then snatched it away and said just kidding. It sucks alot, I know. I am ok and then I start to bawl my eyes out still. That will always be with us, those are our babies.

we are here for you honey,
Love
joy
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Postby ogr1 » Sun Jul 10, 2005 2:01 pm

how could you not feel the way your are feeling..
you do need to try and be careful not to getin a deep dark hole and stay there.. it is very easy to do this and it may seem less painful but it isnt less painful.. in hurts alot worse.

for me i need to give me time to morun and then i have to get myself going.
it is not a betrayle to find your laugh.
i know the first time i laughed i cried cause i felt so guilty. how could i dare life after the death of my child and the losss of our hopes and dreams..

i have found myself a many of times to only find comfort on my knees..
asking heavenly father to please help me get threw the death of my child.

i also all thought very hard make myself see something everyday that is good..going onto the future doesnt mean that we are turning are backs .

our children wouldnt want that for us. i hold onto the fact that my children will never feel the pain that so many children have felt and that they are so perfect that they got to go right up to heaven..


i found a great book
gone to soon..
it has helped me alot.
dh and i also talk alot. it has taken us 15 years to get to this point.
and then when i cant find words or peace and need to be with loved ones and i am afraid of going over the deep end i come here..

i have made so many friends here .. it just amazes me that you can get so close to someone you have never even met..

please be kind to yurself and look with yourself you do have the strenght to keep going ..

and you have all of us to help..
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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JOY & DENISE

Postby Katie12563 » Sun Jul 10, 2005 2:03 pm

Thank goodness you two understand.
Denise: Great advice about getting out amoung strangers.
I also called
(because of you),the friend I've been rude to , to let her know what's
going on and how I'll probadly be the same for awhile. I'm
ashamed of my actions but I just can't change back into that old
person right now
[/color] *****PS They said that at my age (42) the egg quality maybe
dimishished. Then based on the miscarriage and testing on the
remaining tissue we all knew it was probadly the egg quality
that caused the chromosome problem (I used a 24 year old sperm
donor). The doctor said a triple chromosome 16 is common in
older mother's who have miscarried.


Joy: I can't thank you enough for making me feel a bit more normal.
Just hearing that you have simular feelings helps me so much.
I don't want to be like this but I am. :roll: I have been on
another board (women dealing with loss) but they seem only to
a bad day or two. I felt like the odd very negative man out.
That's why I started seeing a therapist. I thought maybe a was
going into a very deep angry depression.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!!

I relate to everything you said!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by Katie12563 on Sun Jul 10, 2005 2:13 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Me: 44...NEWLYWED
After 5 attempts (Iui & IVF)
My Little One Is Here...SOOOOoooo Happy

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Katie12563
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Postby ogr1 » Sun Jul 10, 2005 2:08 pm

i think we crossed over..

but i am glad that you are not alone..
i think sometimes women dont understand what we have gone threw
even to get to the point that we can even try to get pregnant..
hang in there..
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
ogr1
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Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm

OGR1

Postby Katie12563 » Mon Jul 11, 2005 2:13 am

Thank you ogr1.

It means so much that you guys have taken the time to read my post and answer it.

This message board has kept me happily busy most of the day. I did manage some errands and household chores too (smile). :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:
Me: 44...NEWLYWED
After 5 attempts (Iui & IVF)
My Little One Is Here...SOOOOoooo Happy

Image
Katie12563
Regular
 
Posts: 226
Joined: Sat Jul 09, 2005 11:29 pm
Location: USA

Postby ogr1 » Mon Jul 11, 2005 4:22 pm

i am glad for that..
this forum is a lifesaver :) :) :) :)

so what are you going to do today?
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
ogr1
Board Veteran
 
Posts: 4301
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm

Postby Katie12563 » Mon Jul 11, 2005 6:32 pm

Ogr1,
I decided to work summer school since I'm stuck here continuing to cycle.
I had hoped to be on vacation with my family(in NC USA) by now...fat and pregnant. Completed my day at work and now I'm home glued to my computer (smile). Hope you're having a good day.
Me: 44...NEWLYWED
After 5 attempts (Iui & IVF)
My Little One Is Here...SOOOOoooo Happy

Image
Katie12563
Regular
 
Posts: 226
Joined: Sat Jul 09, 2005 11:29 pm
Location: USA

Postby princess » Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:06 pm

:P
That's what I do most of the day. LOL glued here .
I hope you are feeling a bit better. Why didn't you go see your family anyway? Is it just that not wanting to be around anyone thing? I can understand that if it is.
Love
Joy
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Postby ogr1 » Mon Jul 11, 2005 9:37 pm

hi to you both...
glad to see that you both are staying busy on here..

someone needs to catch up with little p on post..


i am doing better. again.. the morning will be hard.. that is when we
put our son to rest...
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
ogr1
Board Veteran
 
Posts: 4301
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:11 pm


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