Gosh, here I am at 11pm at night typing my heart out on this discussion board. I am hoping that someone can relate to how I am feeling and may be able to give me some advice about how to feel better.
I am 36 and my DH and I have been on the infertility journey now for 4 years and after clomide, surgical investigations, iui and 3 unsuccessful attempts at IVF have decided that enough is enough. I just feel that I can't take anymore treatment but now can't reconcile that I will never have children. My DH is so supportive and accepts the decision that we have made together but I can't help feeling that I have let him down, especially as we had always planned to have kids and both come from largish families. What if we have made the wrong decision, should I just keep going with the treatments and try to grin and bear the associated indignity, and heartbreak that comes with each failure? What if I get 5 years down the track and regret not trying harder? or what will become of me when I am an old woman and all alone. What if my husband suddenly decides that having children is really a priority for him and he leaves me for someone with whom he can have kids? Are my questions justified or am I just being stupid and too oversensitive? Should I just be more stoic and try not to take it too seriously when the consultant tells me reassuringly at the start of each new cycle, that in nine months I will be holding my baby in my arms? I know he means well, but he isn't there each time the pregnancy test confirms that that is just not going to happen.
Of course, it seems to me that so many of my friends are currently having babies as well as my sister and sister-in-law. Although my husband and I have never really hidden the fact that we have been through infertility treatment, no one in my family ever talks to us about it or asks us how we are or even acknowledges it. While recently pregnant, one sister-in-law e-mailed photos of her pregnancy and ultrasound scans each week, while my sister, who has a ten month old constantly complains about how tired she is and how having a baby has changed her life. She recently told me she is trying for a second. It is emotionally exhausting pretending that you don't care. I recently I got upset and it was interpreted as jelousy. But it is not jelousy or bitterness or envy. I don't want their babies and I don't want their lives- I want mine. The only way I can describe what I am feeling is grief and an overwhelming sense of loss and I just can't seem to get over it. I don't want my life to be defined by my infertility and I want to move on, but there isn't a day when I don't ask myself all these questions and more. Are these feelings normal? Does anyone else feel the same? Please help.