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What Would You Do?

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What Would You Do?

Postby babyhope1 » Mon Jan 26, 2009 5:56 pm

Hello ladies, here is my situation...

My best friend lives 2,000 miles away...her fiance passed away months before the wedding Friday January 13, 2006. I took a red eye back to see her that night. We are there for one another, you know?

She has found someone else and got engaged quickly December of 07 with a long engagement. The date had flip flopped but settled down. I have been trying to get prego for two years at this point but stopped talking to her about it due to her situation and embarassment of infertility treatments. Her problems were bigger than mine.

I got prego and set to deliver March of 09. Then miscarried the twins. I never said anything to her about being prego because I was told to keep it a secret for the first trimester. I told everyone in California becuse I couldn't drink or exercise with them and I am a bad liar. Because I didn't see her I didn't say anything.

I was prego for 3 months, then it took me 3 months to recover including a surgery to remove polyps, then we tried IVF to get prego and deliver before the wedding. She doesn't know about this either and I am too embarassed about it. I just don't want anyone to know, my mother doesn't even know about IVF and it failed so its really nothing anyway.

My question to you is, what to do...the miscarriage took 1/2 year of my life, I am not getting any younger and if I were to circumvent flying in the third trimester it takes away the next 3 months of trying. This is 9 months of nothing and disregarding my dreams through a tough original due date.

I am thinking...

A.) TTC=try anyway, knowing I have 24 months of failures, what are three more with the RE, they will bring me three months closer to that BFP...

B.) Wait and respect her wedding date as I am the Maid of Honor. I need to be there for her knowing what she has been through and that this is important to her.

C.) Continue living my life as I am always living my life for others and making plans based on their plans, then their plans change (her date changed three times but not just this situation) deal with it if it happens. Offer to pay for a date/venue change or hire a videographer since I may not be able to be there. Nomatter what it could it cost, IVF was nearly 20 grand...

D.) Other ideas...

I really respect your opinions as you don't know me so you can give objective opinions.
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Postby AmandaM » Mon Jan 26, 2009 7:22 pm


i was in a very similar situation. My best friend got engaged after 4 months of dating someone. Since we are in different states(across the country) I had never met him. She knew we were going through IVF and after I got pregnant knew that I was pregnant and would have a newborn baby at the time of her wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor and I said yes. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. After I accepted, about a month or so later, she said that no one under 12 can come to the wedding. My parents and in laws don't live in the town she lives in. She said I should have someone come here to stay with the babies( I am having twins) and come to her wedding.

At first I said yes. But the more I thought about it the more it bothered me. I can understand her not wanting to have kids at her wedding. However, it took so long to get pregnant, and these will be my only babies, I don't want to leave them for a week soon after they are born.

I talked to her about it. And asked her what she would do. She said if I needed to back out I could with no hard feelings. So that is what I did.

If she is truly your friend, she would understand. It isn't a normal case where you can just get pregnant whenever you want.
IVF # 1 Chem preg Beta #1 49 Beta # 2 33
IVF # 2 Chem preg Beta #1 9 Beta #2 22 Beta #3 168
IVF # 3 BFP!! 1st beta - 565 2nd 995 3rd 9,269 It's TWINS!!!!

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Postby riogirl71 » Mon Jan 26, 2009 9:26 pm

I would go for A
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Postby jennywit » Mon Jan 26, 2009 10:40 pm

Babyhope-That is an absolute "no brainer". If you stop trying just bc it doesn't fit into someone elses plans, you may spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?". Continue on with your own journey, creating your own destiny, and if she is a true friend, she will be so excited for you when you have your child. Although, be prepared, people who haven't gone through this journey NEVER fully understand our pain. For example, I am due the end of March after a 2 1/2 yr struggle, when my best friend found out she said too bad you didn't do the IVF a couple of months later, then you would of had a summer baby!!!! Are you kidding me? I could have punched her out!
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Postby angelaezra » Tue Jan 27, 2009 12:18 am

Hello babyhope1,

I think that you need to worry about your own feelings right now and not put your life on hold. If she is truly your friend you should feel comfortable sharing this with her. That is the purpose of friends (sharing things together right as you stated)? If I were you I would tell her because it sounds like you need some emotional support right now.

The second reason I felt I needed to reply to you is that you should never ever be embarrased about how your baby is conceived! Your baby is still a part of you and your DH and you should be proud of them no matter what. I have been dealing with infertility for 8 1/2 years and this is a very, very common problem for many couples. The advantage that we have is that we have the opportunity that most women don't have (the opportunity to conceive when we could not conceive naturally). This is truly an honor (IVF) and I think we should not forget that. Think about it this way, what if IVF or IUI didn't exist and we were told forget it you will never be a mother or if you are already, you will never be able to conceive again no matter how badly you and your DH want this.

Good luck in making the right decision for you,

Last edited by angelaezra on Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
1 miscarriage 2002 (nat)
1 ectopic pregnancy 2006 (nat)
1st IVF 10/08-BFP twins/misc-6 1/2 wks & stillbirth 21 wks
2nd FET 6/09-BFN
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Postby esperanza » Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:19 pm

I agree with the other ladies: think about YOU! Definitely a combination of "A" and "C"...you just never know, and your friend should be able to understand.

My story is a little bit different but connected. One of my closest friends got married exactly when I had a miscarriage. We were planning on going, but for obvious reasons we had to cancel at the last minute. It was sad for both of us, BUT at the end, she still had a lovely wedding and lots of good memories for her, her dh, and little girl (who had already been born by the time they had their wedding) and me? it was one of the saddest/most difficult moments of my life, but they didn't stop their celebration because of me (and of course, I don't blame them for it). Life goes on, so think about you! I also thought of stuff like that during my first two cycles, and they failed anyway...so for my 3rd one I decided that I would not think about "a perfect due date," it was all about getting the child...whenever!!!!

Lots of luv and best wishes for you in your new cycle :wink:
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Postby CT_Michele » Wed Jan 28, 2009 4:48 pm

Babyhope- Don't put your life, your hopes and dreams on hold for anyone! I know it is hard when you care so much about others and live your life for them, like i do, but you are talking about your possible family. If your friend is a true friend, she will completely understand.

And you are talking about a lot of what if's. Even if you keep trying, isn;t there a chance you can still make the wedding?

When I did my first ivf, I realized that if it worked, then I would be 8 and a half months pregnant at my brothers wedding, which I was the maid of honor for. I asked them what they thought, and they were honored that I might be in that way and still want to participate in their wedding. I am now gearing up for ivf #2, and my other brother is getting married in July. If it works, I will be a few months pregnant and I am in that wedding party too. I could have waited until after the wedding, but why? I am building my family, which is the most important part of my life, so why should i make those decisions based on other peoples plans?

And not to be a downer...because I am sure your friend has a great relationship with her fiance, but I have seen friends call off weddings just weeks and even days before the big event, I have seen festivities cancelled or delayed due to family emergencies, anything can happen. So if you hold off, and then something like that happens, you will have regretted not continuing sooner.

You have such a kind heart...but at some point, you have to put yourself first.
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Postby babyhope1 » Sat Jan 31, 2009 12:38 am

Thanks ladies I wanted open and honest opinions, my California friends who don't know her all agreed, put your plans first. My mom wanted me to put myself first...so, I have to come clean with you all now...I am prego!!! I am due 3 weeks after her wedding date and prego with twins which push the date up 3 weeks. There is nothing I can do about it now.

I still don't beleive I will make the wedding and I will not fit into the dress, the thing is I have to tell her. I have miscarried three beans so I am so scared I will tell her then miscarry...but others on the board agree, the sooner the better. URG! Thanks for sharing your situations. I am in a couple of weddings a year these days (everyone suddenly got married) must be the big 30 that changes things.

Anyway, I knew you ladies would understand because you all have been on the infertility journey with me. It isn't something in our control. I am a licensed Realtor and I have clients that purchase a home saying they plan to get prego, then the minute they move, they are prego. I wish I could control things like that. My good friend said she was trying in September (one month only, yes that specific month she was to get knocked up) so she could travel to a July wedding!

Thanks to all...Babyhope
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Failed IVF
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Re: What Would You Do?

Postby ShaneBro » Tue Feb 28, 2012 1:12 pm

Currently, I am enjoying my holiday at my friends Farm House. We are three freinds and we are at here for last 3 days. There is great fun and enjoyment to each other with every moment.
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Re: What Would You Do?

Postby zheng » Thu Apr 26, 2012 2:38 am

I'm very glad to reply to this post and Hope you happy!!


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